Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

[Branleuse]

If thats really the first time it happened then yes, i think kicking him out is an overreaction. Hes not bullying your son, he hasnt hit him, he just lost his temper and ranted at him. You dont need to make this as a gesture to your son that he is more important than anything else

[IslandNiles]

I think you're fab OP. You were there and you know in your gut that he crossed the line.

[Carouselfish]

You were right OP. Your 16 year old should feel safe in his own home.

[Anonaninanan]

You dont need to make this as a gesture to your son that he is more important than anything else

This is what I am doing.

I don't know if I'm wrong or right to do this though.

[JemimaLovesHamble]

No-one would call a woman a "good Mum" or agree in the comments that she was if we were told she'd screamed in her stepson's face. Just saying. The bar is set so low for men. No wonder they get away with so much.

Just please be careful OP. This guy may now think he has reason to be resentful of your DS, and that could come pouring out the next time he has a "rare" rage.

[StaplesCorner]

You are doing the right thing Anon. You've drawn that line, you have shown your DS what he means to you.

Its good to have some space between you and DP, but I wonder if the practicalities might be daunting, how will you manage for childcare etc? Don't let it be these things which are the decider on whether or not you continue this relationship, either as a couple in the same house, or as parents in different ones. I agree with people saying consider counselling and get advice in the meantime. Ignore his family.

[SuperBeagle]

I am no sure how I would feel if I thought my mum had thrown my dad out over me.

It's not his dad.

[Anonaninanan]

The thing is I couldn't win whatever I did.

Its a hell of a position to be in.

I say nothing, my son hates me. I kick him out and dp hates me, I kick him out for a few days then take him back and they both hate me.

There is no way I could make everyone happy.

[Aquamarine1029]

He wants to make things up to my son now. He suggested counselling actually. He suggested a lot of ways to move forward as a family.

My son doesn't want this just now though.

People have been praising you for putting your son first, above all else, but the "above all else" also includes your other children. How is that fair under these specific circumstances? Yes, your son got screamed at and got his feelings hurt, but he was not beaten or molested. Your partner knows he overreacted to a ridiculous, immature degree, but he has admitted this and wants to do everything possible to repair the damage. But your son says no, so the entire family has to be ripped apart to appease him? In this specific instance, how can you reasonably put your son's bruised ego above the needs of ALL of your other children?

We have all made stupid mistakes and behaved in ways we regret. So no one deserves the opportunity to make amends? And what will you say to the children you share? "I made your father leave forever because he screamed at your brother one time?"

[Anonaninanan]

I wonder if the practicalities might be daunting

Very much so. I have childcare covered until next summer but just the day to day working and dealing with home and kids and everything else is terrifying.

[notgivingin789]

I'm not sure OP... some posters on Mumsnet want to see an unrealistic "perfect relationship". If your relationship doesn't fit into their "perfect view" they will tell you to leave etc etc.

I do think you overreacted a bit. Though can understand why due to your past relationship. Your partner just seemed very frustrated, though did not go about this the right way. I assume it's very difficult bringing up hormonal teenagers

[Anonaninanan]

If he was nearby then making amends would be easier.

I have no idea what to say to the kids in future.

It isn't fair in the other kids. It isn't fair on my son and it isn't fair on me.

Nobody is a winner here.

[AcrossthePond55]

Then tell your DP to start counseling on his own but make no promises and don't agree to him moving back in. Do not agree to any type of 'timeline' or deadline. If he's sincere about working his way back then he'll be happy to agree. Besides, it's apparent that he has an anger problem. If you never reconcile at least, perhaps, it will save some other woman (or child) from the same anger he visited on your son.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

You do the right thing. Absolutely.

Your children come first.

Your DP didn’t give a shit about your son’s feelings - his fear and shock - all he cared about was how it affected him.

He said he got the ‘red mist’ and that apparently abdicates him of responsibility for his actions. By this he is telling you that he will not hold back when he next feels that level of anger. The ‘red mist’ entitled him to any behaviour he feels the need to use.

Don’t doubt your intuition. You did the right thing. Stick to it.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

*that should begin, you did the right thing.

[Stillpissingdown]

op why are you not even considering family councilling?

If your about to detonate a massive bomb in your family you better make sure you've go down every avenue

[NewDaddie]

I think you did the right thing. I think you’re still doing the right thing. I don’t think your son could ever hate you (except ofc for the usual teenager isms). You’re a great mum and you do right by your children.

Your boyfriend did this. He’s the one who needs to work to be part of your lives. And you don’t sound like you’ve closed the door on him. If he can step up and be a proper father not a bully and a danger AND repair his relationship with your son he might have a chance.

You’re already doing your best and then some by parenting your 3 children through this. Chin up.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Fucking hell - the partner detonated the bomb, not OP!

[Anonaninanan]

opwhy are you not even considering family councilling?

I would. It's impossible due to distance.

[MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo]

Has your 'typical teen' wound up your partner until he snapped? so its ok to threaten a teenager and scream in his face because DP can't keep his temper. In horrified the number of posters who think DP is hard done to.

OP you did the right thong getting him to leave and he's pulled the childish card by moving so far away he can't help parent his own children. Its his way of teyong to push you into letting him come back.

Just because you were right to tell him to go doesn't mean he has to stay gone. Talk to DS, point out DP is his siblings Dad so they need to work through this. Proper apology. Possibly counselling. DP needs to be around but not living with you imo. He needs to parent his kids and start to rebuild relationships. Only then can you make a decision about whether to take him back

[splendidisolation]

This is pretty shocking.

Your partner shouted at your cheeky son and in response you remove him from the house and his children.

I agree with pp it sounds like you just want reassurance from us not food for thought


I also agree MN can be a very dangerous place for advice sometimes.

And you did in fact "gloss" over what your son did as a pp put it: we only got the details of that from you when you were prompted.

Another one here who thinks your partner is well rid.

Sounds like you treat son like a snowflake. And I also agree with pp there's a very strong chance he will end up resenting you further down the line for having used him as a catalyst for such a monumental decision.

[Stillpissingdown]

people mess up and deserve a second chance:

Families are about sticking together through thick and thin and working problems out, it's not as black and white as people on MN prentend it is. Real life isn't that simple

op if I was you I'd go seek family councilling asap to make sure this isn't fixable because when your ds moves out and your two years in to your breakup and fighting over custody for you little one whilr they are traipsing round the county visiting their dad - you may think that a one off shouting in your sons face when he was being disrespectful wasn't actually as bad as you thought

[Hollypiesky]

He has anger issues don't get back with him it eoll be worse next time. Your poor son you definitely done the right thing. 3 years isn't that long he should not get in your boys face like that. Stay strong. Just tell your son how wrong the guy was to do that and he's not the man you thought he was.

Thank God you took your sons side or it would of ruined your relationship with your son forever.