Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

[Jenala]

I've got to say my first thought is you are making the hardest, but the correct, choice. So many women don't put their kids before their partners so I honestly applaud your bravery. No one should be spoken to the way your partner spoke to your son. It wouldn't be on for him to speak that way to you, or for your son to speak that way to him - your son shouldn't have less rights than someone else because he's just a teenager, so I don't know why some people are saying the response was not that big of a deal.

Is there any way he can move back to the local area, but not into your home and you can perhaps all work on things? You and him talk about why you reacted the way you did, and you can assess if he gets It, minimises it or agrees to get you back but doesn't mean it.

The fact he is messaging your son (it sounds like multiple messages?) seems a bit of a red flag to me though. What is he saying? It's really nothing to do with your son now, it's between you and your partner. Maybe one apology message would be ok ok but if he is continuing to message what is he trying to achieve? Railroad your son into telling you to take him back? Guilt him? Minimise what happened? What and why he's messaging your son might give you some insight too.

I think there could be a way back if you take it slowly. I think the key is not to bring him back to live with your son anytime soon.

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

Sorry but I definitely think you are over reacting. He shouldn't have shouted like that but it's not worth kicking someone out over.

I can only think your youngest two will come to resent you as they will see you prioritising their brother over them.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I think you did the right thing too in throwing out this man (who is probably and in the cold light of day not too dissimilar overall to your abusive ex partner and your family of origin either). Abusers show their true selves eventually because the nice act is one they cannot maintain.

I would also suggest Anonaninanan that you enrol yourself on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and if possible do that in person. Your boundaries in relationships are likely to be off kilter in any case so their help could well be beneficial to you going forward.
Consider also what you learnt about relationships when growing up and seek counselling for your own self to unlearn all the rubbish you learnt along the way.

[Qvar]

16 is not the big grown up a lot of people seem to think. They still come under the child protection act for good reason. Yes they are old enough to have sex and get job. Ten year olds are old enough to be criminally prosecuted, that doesn’t make them grown men and women either.

Your dp didn’t just stumble on this behaviour suddenly, this has always been inside him and it’s not going to go anywhere. His family think it’s ok because it’s the way they raised him - that’s why he does it, after all.

Tell your son that exp hasn’t been thrown out because of him ( your son), he’s been thrown out because YOU found that behaviour disturbing and you don’t want it around ANY of your children.

And tell your exp that he can try moving back in when ds chooses to move out. And he’s being watched for aggression, so he’s better seek counselling, and in the meantime, he needs to move closer and find a job so he can properly support his two biological children, is he’s now doing exactly what he was getting at a child for doing and mooching off his mother.

[RJnomore1]

So much of this thread is so much bullshit.

There are constantly women posting about how they lost their temper and shouted at their children and being told it's okay it's a sign of their stress.

I'm going to be accused of being a male apologist now; I'm not butvif every parent or step parent who lost their rag as some off with a teenager had to move out there would be a heck of a lot of teenagers living alone.

Why is your 16 year old out of school?

You have a whole family to consider here and as far as I can see you are letting him play the situation like a fiddle.

[TheNaze73]

I must sound like a broken record but, you really don’t start to see a persons true colours until 3-4 years into a relationship & your bf has shown his.

Children top any bf/gf relationship without exception. What your bf did was the real him & totally unacceptable

[HappyintheHills]

No way did you over react.
As PP have said, your P's behaviour undermined your authority whilst you were parenting your DS.
Your partner needs to learn to behave better, once he has stopped minimising his poor behaviour in this instance. For himself and his future relationships.
Whether you should ever allow him back
In to your home must surely depend on whether he can change which will depend on whether he sees the need.

[RandomDreams]

You did the right thing.

If he had spoken to your son calmly and politely without the threats of violence then he wouldn't have done anything wrong but he didn't, he got in his face and screamed at him.

[whiteroseredrose]

You definitely did the right thing.

He might have been able to be on his best behaviour for just evenings and weekends for the past three years but his real self is beginning to show.

What is he like with your DS when you're not there? Do they get along or is there a tension? People have said your DS is lazy but he's had them before and he's got one now. It was only a few days. So a massive overreaction on your DP's part.

You'll cope. You say you still love him but hasn't his behaviour made you change how you feel? You managed without him before and you will again. Be strong.

[whiteroseredrose]

Had jobs, not them

[crumpetsandcoffee]

Do any of you actually have teenage boys?

Yes your partner totally over reacted, but surly you could have sat down and spoke, maybe some family mediation or something! You threw him out! Dear lord, teenagers are so frustrating some times, and a lot of the time they appear to have no respect! He was trying to help you! Yes he went around it in the wrong way but I’m not convinced this is the whole story

[Qvar]

I have a teenager with asd and adhd, and a step son who is nt. both can be rude, lazy and annoying

Oddly, I’ve never felt the urge to verbally abuse either of them until they cried, and if I had I wouldn’t have acted on it because, you know, I AM A FUCKIN ADULT

[ShoesHaveSouls]

Do any of you actually have teenage boys?

Yes. Two actually, and that's why I think the OP has done the right thing.

[NotTheFordType]

How far away has he moved, OP? I would expect him to make the effort to travel to attend family counselling if he's actually genuinely remorseful and wants to fix things.

"Red mist" indeed. If that's how he reacts to one sarcastic reply, what will happen when your son comes home drunk and throws up on the sofa? Is his step-dad going to punch him out and then blame it on the red mist again?

[ShoesHaveSouls]

In fact, forget the 'should I chose my son over my boyfriend question' - How about, should I be with this man who can lose control like like this? Who the red mist descends over a teenager's sarcastic "all right."

Why does anyone feels it's excusable to yell in a young adult's face like this? With threatening overtones too. No way is it ok. It wouldn't be ok for a teacher, a parent or a step parent to do this in my house. What if this is his true self surfacing after a few years on best behaviour?

[Cambionome]

Completely agree with Shoes.
I have had 2 teenage boys and for about adult to completely lose control over a mildly sarcastic reply is totally unacceptable and actually quite worrying.

[Huskylover1]

He's not just a casual boyfriend though, is he? He is the father of the youngest two children. He has been (up till now) a good step father to your two older children.

Yes, he lost his shit. But I am betting there's a huge back story here, of your son being rude to you, and he's finally lost it. It's not ideal, but you cannot expect someone to be a step parent for all the good bits, and not allow them to also lay down the law, when a kid is being a dick.

You would expect grandparents, aunties, uncles etc, to scold a child if they were naughty, but step parents have to suck it up? They have to live with a child 24/7, and never, ever reprimand bad behaviour? That's just not realistic.

In my opinion, your Partner totally lost his shit, went completely over the top, yes, and it's unacceptable. Would I kick him out over it? No. Much talking is needed. And a 16 year old who is lounging about, not in school and not working, plus being rude to you, you the person who is providing a roof over is head and food in his tummy, would do my head in too.

[debbs77]

You did absolutely the right thing! How can he shout at your son, telling him to be respectful while completely lacking any respect for anyone himself!

The one time my ex shouted at one of my children in an aggressive manner and I felt fearful, was the last time he was in my house. That was 2 years ago

[FlowerPot1234]

Your 16 year old son is rude to you, shows you no respect, walks away from you when you are speaking to him, your partner defends you and demands he shows you respect, and you kick the person out who defends you???

This, of course, will not have been the first time your son showed you or your partner lack of respect. There is nothing "typical teen age stuff" about it. He was rude to you. Other 16 year olds would not behave like this, would not be allowed to, and would not have a parent who plays it down in the way you have done. It sounds likely that your partner was fed up of a pattern of lack of respect in your son and lost his temper. Losing his temper wasn't great, but how utterly peculiar you punish the person who came to your defence and you have done nothing at all in terms of punishment for your 16 year old who was rude to you.

[Stillpissingdown]

I agree with flowerpott

There is way more to this.

[AlternativeTentacle]

You are in the right. You now know your partner gets a red mist. Anyone in their right mind, walks away from someone who gets the red mist and abuses other people.

The experience of someone getting into your face and screaming at you like that does not leave you. Whoever does it. by letting him back in you are confirming that if he does it again, you will forgive him eventually.

This is a red flag, you have reacted with the right course of action. not just for your son, but your other children as well.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

His actions were all about him wanting to be the Big Man of the Household. This was not about him wanting to defend the OP at all; his actions are and were all about him wanting to assert his own self by using the OP as a buffer and the child to take his own anger out on. He did not just lose his temper either; he squared up to the boy and verbally abused him. No-one regardless of age should be spoken to like this boy was. Why should there not be consequences for such actions?

This man chose to go back to his family who are many miles away, he did that of his own freewill.

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

You did the right thing. He showed you his true colours and now you know the real him.

If you had let him stay your son would have felt second best and started to believe it was fine to treat people like that.

So many women stay with men and put their children last, it's refreshing to see somebody stand up and say my children are more important than having a man.

[FlowerPot1234]

AttilaTheMeerkat
This was not about him wanting to defend the OP at all; his actions are and were all about him wanting to assert his own self by using the OP as a buffer and the child to take his own anger out on

So you think the OP's partner, for no reason whatsoever, suddenly started shouting at the 16 year old to appear big? You don't see any link at all between the boy disrespecting his mother, and the partner telling him off for disrespecting his mother?

[ShoesHaveSouls]

As a mother, I wouldn't feel the need for someone to 'defend' me against my own son. Support - yes, but not scream in his face with threats.

Defend against what? The sarky "all right" - I don't think so.

It's domestic abuse - screaming in someone's face and making veiled threats. No place for it in any family.