Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

[ZippyCameBack]

Even if there is a way forward for you both together, this isn't the time for finding it. You did the right thing and he doesn't need to be in your house right now.

[dadshere]

Your bf tried to help you, (take your side) you kicked him out. Don't take him back, he needs someone who is there for him, you are not.

[AcrossthePond55]

Never pick a man over your child. You can work with your ex to see that the children you share with him have a good relationship with their dad. But you cannot have him move back in if he spoke to your DS as you say he did.

There's a world of difference between a father (or stepfather) speaking up (even in a loud voice) to their (step) son and telling them off for disrespecting their mother. Quite another to scream in their face and use profanity and threats.

[luckyDuvet]

If this really is the full story, then yes I think the OP overreacted.

[Rubies12345]

then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you

I wonder what he meant by that, it does sound like a threat of violence.

[Aquamarine1029]

I think you should go to family counseling and try to work through this. I do not condone the way your partner screamed at your son, but the fact that you have 2 children with this man, you say he is a good man and a good father, and the fact this has never happened before, I believe it's reasonable to play the devil's advocate.

First of all, the fact you had an abusive relationship prior to this isn't germane when talking about your partner. He isn't your ex. Secondly, is it possible that your son's behaviour has been creating far more tension in the home that you're really acknowledging? Do you think it's possible that your partner flew off the handle because he has heard all he could take at the moment in regards to how your son spoke to you? Has your partner been under a lot of stress? There are so many facets to this incident that need to be examined and considered.

Clearly, the way he screamed at your son is not acceptable, but is it REALLY irredeemable? Is there NO WAY that working on this, with counselling or not, that you all as a family can't try to repair the damage? You have 2 young children with him. What about them? If what happened is a chronic pattern of behaviour, I would be the first to tell you to throw him out. You say this is the only time this has ever happened. Is breaking up your family the first course of action you really want to take?

[user1471449805]

'take your side' or undermined in an abusive way - guess it's just perspective.

[Cambionome]

You have very low expectations when it comes to acceptable behaviour then, lucky.

[Fishface77]

Good for you op.
This might be the first incident you can recall with clarity but you can't seriously say there were no warning signs!
I would also put my child first as would most parents.

[Mumof56]

Your 16 year old son is lazy, typical teen (according to you) with no job (so sitting around the house all day, expecting to be funded), rude & disrespectful. Why isn't he in work or in school?

Then cries when someone calls him out on it ( not in the best manner I agree) and now is refusing to engage and playing the drama.

[Anonaninanan]

I didn't need help. My son was having a typical teen grumble. I was dealing with it.

I can't see us finding a way through. I'm just struggling with it all.

I always told my son he would come first, and he 100% does. I feel so sad even though I'm sure I did the right thing by my son.

Sorry this is so garbled. My thoughts are everywhere.

[LapdanceShoeshine]

Difficult one

Your DS was being a typical lad his age (annoying, but OK), & you were actually managing it pretty well (fine), but your DP thought he should stick up for you too (good), but then went completely OTT (bad).

How to move on from this is hard. You've shown your DS that you'll always stick up for him, & you've shown your DP that it's not his place to muscle in & scream at your DS, but your little kids' dad has had to go & of course his family are feeling bad.

Is there a way you can negotiate past this? Is your DP likely to be willing to be told that it's not his place to interfere when you're dealing with your DS?

[Laceup]

You've been with him 3 yrs..yet you have 2 children together.you must of got pregnant before you had been together a year....wow..you never knew him at all.what was the rush? Perhaps he's showing you his true colours ..

[dysongirl]

Your kid's always come first
Well done.
Your son is showing typical teenage behaviour which is hard all the time.
Good luck you done the right thing.

[missymayhemsmum]

Your partner crossed a line, and you have to prioritise your son. Not easy, especially if this was an isolated loss of temper and not typical of their relationship.

[MrsHass]

Have you posted this before?
I could've sworn that I've read a virtually identical post a few weeks back.

[Anonaninanan]

My son now has a job and was only out of work/education for a few days before this happened.

He is refusing to engage. He isn't playing on any drama though. He feels sad about the whole thing too. We all do.

[Anonaninanan]

I haven't posted this before, it happened very recently.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I would have done the same thing.

You have supported your son and shown your other children’s father that you will not tolerate that behaviour towards children

[HMC2000]

You did the right thing. The way he treated your DS is bad enough, but his response when you asked for an apology, and saying that you were in his face afterwards tips it for me. He knows that your DS will have witnessed/ heard abusive behaviour from your ex, he treats him in a way that sounds abusive, but then afterwards when he had the chance to say sorry ("while I'm furious with your treatment of your mother, my way of speaking to you wasn't acceptable"), he brushes it off and says he's done nothing wrong. Modelling behaviour like this is never going to get your teen to behave, and you have to put your kids first.

[Laceup]

How recently did this happen...and how is the dp proposing to fix things? As he did the shouting and lost control,he needs to sort out the situation..so what has been said / done / or happened since

[Anonaninanan]

He has moved a significant distance away. This has happened within the last couple if weeks.

He wants to move back here and work on things with my son.
I can't let him move in until such a time my son is happy with it, I don't think he ever will be though. If I take my bf back then I lose my son or my son doesn't feel important and that's not an option for me.

I got pregnant quickly, yes, we had known each other on and off before we got together as a couple though.

[Waddlingwanda]

I think it sounds like you've overreacted personally. Probably going to get flamed like the other two PPs but still. From what you've said it sounds like your son is lazy and disrespectful and your partner has probably sat there saying nothing time and again until it's built up.
No he shouldn't have sworn but to kick him out without having them talk it through just seems OTT.

[Laceup]

I'm thinking ,he needs to be making swift moves to grovel to your son,beg his forgiveness for his shocking outburst...how your dp is reacting to it will give you clues...dp should be mortified by his own angry outbursts,and be hugely apologetic to your son...is he???

[Dozer]

Setting aside the incident of serious aggression towards your DS, it doesn’t reflect at all well on your ex that he has moved far away. What about his job and, even more importantly, his parenting responsibilities?