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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

594 replies

Anonaninanan · 23/10/2017 22:31

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

OP posts:
grannysmiff · 25/10/2017 20:00

@FlowerPot1234
Spot on. So many weird liars on this thread

Evewasinnocent · 25/10/2017 20:00

Oh shit! Sorry about your situation - but your DS sounds lovely (and very well behaved for a teenager Imo!). I am glad your DP is moving nearer to you - which is good for your younger DCs who should still have contact with their DF. I think you were right to support your DS. What your DP did was wrong - and it may well be he is a good person who did a bad thing - you need to put your DS first though.

Some very odd statements on here - particularly re your DS - if someone in work spoke to me like your DP did to your DS, then I would take appropriate action (it sounds like such an incident would have put me in fear of assault and I would take it much further!).

Atenco · 25/10/2017 20:11

FlowerPot1234

So you would be happy with someone who has no investment in your child/young adult interfering when you are telling them off and treating them like that?

Nobody imagines that her son is a saint, I don't know any sixteen-year-olds that are, but a mother is always looking for the best outcome for her child, which attitudes like shouting in his face and threats will not necessarily achieve. And yes, until our children are grown, they should be our number one priority.

Only you can say, OP, whether there is a future with this man, but I still think your initial reaction was the right one.

Haffiana · 25/10/2017 20:14

See, I reckon that all these teenagers who are totally polite and don't er, 'disrespect' anyone because they have been straitjacketed from birth to ALWAYS BE POLITE NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE THAT IS THE MOST, MOST IMPORTANT THING by their mothers, I reckon they are the ones that blow up and scream at people at the slightest provocation.

Whereas the ones that have been allowed to huff and grumble and express how they are feeling as they grew up, I reckon they are the ones who can express and discuss their feelings when they are in a relationship and don't have to burst out screaming instead.

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 25/10/2017 20:19

Maybe your son is reluctant for your bf to return because your son now realises that he cannot continue to be lazy and disrespectful and getting away with it.
I personally think yes you over reacted in kicking him out with trying to resolve it first.
I also think yes bf over reacted too and should have worded things very differently.
Although I can appreciate your experience with an abusive ex could push you to zero tolerance under any circumstances.
What is your gut instinct telling you?

Willow2017 · 25/10/2017 20:20

Flower

You seem to think that you are the only person on mn who is right on every thread.

You also seem to think if you shout loud enough and deride other posters long enough they will roll over for you.

I will agree to disagree with you as adults should but do not presume to know what i am glad about or know whats in my head. Even you dont have special powers.

CorpsemoranShriek · 25/10/2017 20:35

What age is your DP? Something tells me he is very young.

FlowerPot1234 · 25/10/2017 20:38

Willow2017 Oh, how laughable it is that you who continually writes about what you think the OP's partner was thinking, what you think is behind any other poster's thinking, what you think other people's motives are, has the audacity to talk about "special powers" and tell others not to presume they know what you are glad about when your posts are full of it. You've even done it to me in that last thread! Hilarious. We disagree. Now stop projecting.

FlowerPot1234 · 25/10/2017 20:41

Atenco Do you believe SAHMs who look after their husband/partner's children have no investment in those children? They play no role, have no importance, is that what you mean?

greenberet · 25/10/2017 21:22

Op you say in your opening thread your Ds was being a bit lazy typical teen stuff really - I'm assuming from this that your Ds has been a bit lazy on more than this once for you to say it is typical teen stuff -

You have also said that your Ds has lost all respect for your DP after this episode

What was their relationship like before this - was your DP allowed to ask your Ds to do things - my teens are forever leaving things lying around the house - would your DP be able to tell your Ds to tidy up or did this have to come from you.

Is there any resentment from your Ds re his two half siblings or has he fully accepted them.

Something doesn't add up here. I can't see why your Ds would lose respect for your DP if this is a one off - what have you told him about his fathers behaviour - have you made "allowances" so as not to be seen to be discouraging any relationship or have you told him the truth.

This seems to have got completely out of proportion for a one off incident by a DP who has no previous loss of temper etc and a Ds that is a really well behaved teen

GreatStar · 25/10/2017 21:26

Op I wouldn't answer or justify anything more on this thread. Ask the mods to close it if needs be as this bashing will go on and on and on.

I think you're fab. And i think your son sounds like a great lad.
And i hope all works out positively whatever happens with your partner x

StaplesCorner · 25/10/2017 21:38

Flower
You seem to think that you are the only person on mn who is right on every thread.
You also seem to think if you shout loud enough and deride other posters long enough they will roll over for you.

You're not the only one to have noticed this Willow and it seems to happen on threads about children and young people. However, to be fair, Flower is not the only poster who seems to hold young people in such contempt. She's just the one who shouts loudest. Like the OP's partner.

StaplesCorner · 25/10/2017 21:38

And what GreatStar said x 100.

greenberet · 25/10/2017 21:55

It is very sad that someone who holds a slightly different opinion and then has to defend herself time and time again to justify where she is coming from gets treated in such an appalling way.

We are not all the same some people are truly more perceptive than others and can get things that others have no comprehension off - just because it is the minority view it does not mean it is wrong.

If MN carries on like this it will loose its reputation and people will go elsewhere for support - I recall a thread not so long ago where people were allowed to open up and no one was allowed to pass comment - they could read and post but only about there own situation - it was so sad that they had to name change because otherwise people would know them and they didn't want a bashing -this is grown up communication - this is support -not what is going on here - this is bordering on abusive behaviour in its own right - people cannot respect somebody else's opinion because it is different to theirs -there must be something wrong with them - what are we turning into

Italiangreyhound · 25/10/2017 22:35

Happyemoji "He's 16 years old he is 2 years away from going to a big man prison. He needs to step up or he could end up another statistic."

What an utterly bizarre thing to say. The OP's son is 2 years away from being an adult. He has done nothing at all, that we are aware of, that would warrant prison! So why mention prison?Just utterly bizarre.

StaplesCorner · 25/10/2017 22:46

It is very sad that someone who holds a slightly different opinion and then has to defend herself time and time again to justify where she is coming from gets treated in such an appalling way

You are talking about how the OP has been treated, aren't you? greenberet?

Offred · 25/10/2017 22:58

It’s not a slightly different view. It is a view that promotes authoritarian parenting approaches... approaches that have a looooong history in research into child development, that are widely seen as abusive because they frequently result in harm to children...

And i’m not really sure why it should even be noteworthy that ppl on a parenting website have concerns about that.

ShoesHaveSouls · 25/10/2017 22:58

greenberet, happyemoji and flower's posts on this thread are utterly baffling, and have no relevance at all to the OP's actual posts.

It's as if they want to - absolutely have to - make the 16yr old boy the bad guy at all costs - no matter what his own mother posts on this thread. It's v strange, and I wouldn't really want to delve into the reasons behind it.

Italiangreyhound · 25/10/2017 23:01

Happyemoji "He could end up shutting down and giving up." What like the OP's partner has done?

"I feel sorry for her partner I don't think he knew what he was taking on."

Then he was an idiot. Anyone who meets and sets up home with a person who lives with their children should know what they are taking on. But I am not sure your comment is true. Maybe he did know what he was taking on. Maybe what he did not know is how he would act (outburst) and then how he would cope (running away). But nether of these things are the 16 year old's fault.

I do actually feel sorry for everyone in this complicated scenario but the OPs partner is the one whose actions have changed everything.

Anon "Dp has decided he is moving closer to our dc." Good news, I am pleased to hear it.

greenberet I am not sure why you are trying to convince me the OP's dh is not an abuser. I don;t think I said he was! I said that his moving far away was one of the things that really worried me. His willingness to put his own emotional support above his partner and small children was worrying. I now hear he is moving closer which is great.

I have freely admitted I sometimes shout, and that would be devastated if dh threw me out for unreasonable behavior. I have a pre-teen (acts like a teen, she is almost 13) and it is only really luck, and having a supportive dh (and maybe some part of me knowing what a shit decision it would be) that I have not 'let rip' at dd more than I have!

But were I in the OP's dh's situation I would not move far away.

Greenberet, "I don't get what you mean about MN norms" I meant you see patterns as being Mumnset norms (not having a new relationship etc) but I do not see these as 'norns', just the views of a few Mumsnetters.

"it's funny how he in now being seen as weak for having a supportive family" No, I don't think it is funny, I think it is strange that he moved away to be with family. My sister lives about 3 hours drive away, do-able i a day, I would not move to be with her if me and dh split up. I would not want to take myself away from my kids, or vice versa unless there were safety issues.

Flowerpot "He doesn't see the point of relationship counselling if they are not in a relationship." Whatever happens between the OP and her dp in the future the relationship they have is they are co-parents to two very young children. That is a massive reason to work on the relationship even if in the long run they will not be living together (which they may be anyway at some point) and this is, I think, all quite recent so counselling would be a priority for me to re-establish family life if I were in the OP's dp's situation.

Dragonbait · 25/10/2017 23:32

I’m considering the fact that I’m an abusive mother and according to MN I shouldn’t be with my kids. I’ve screamed at my children in the past - usually in an attempt to get them to get ready for school. Sadly I’m not perfect and sometimes I lose my temper. My children know that it’s ok to not be perfect too. I do always apologise and explain afterwards why I got so mad. People living with each other day in day out can’t be perfect. To those who are saying they never scream or shout - my mum never did - she sulked for days on end which was a passive aggressive nightmare and worse than any shouting she could have done. Maybe some people genuinely have perfect children who never wind them up.... I do agree that DP’s behaviour wasn’t great but I think throwing him out over one incident was harsh.

ShoesHaveSouls · 25/10/2017 23:43

I do always apologise and explain afterwards why I got so mad.

You know it's wrong then. Don't scream at your kids.

I wonder if you actually did what the DP did in this case though, ie. scream and swear, including veiled threats, an inch from your child's face? There really is a difference between this and normal parenting that gets a bit fraught and shouty getting out to school.

Cambionome · 26/10/2017 07:46

Exactly what Shoes said.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 26/10/2017 08:21

I agree with flower mostly but I do agree, constantly using be word brat does feel uncomfortable. We don’t know this boy and all we know is what we are told and beat just doesn’t feel right. I do think though that instead of kicking him out you could have spoke about it with your son and partner together then with your partner on his own, or the other way around whichever would have felt easier for you. Either way, kicking him out was a bit far in my opinion.

trappedinsuburbia · 26/10/2017 08:39

I've just come across this thread and very quickly skipped through it, OP you have done exactly the right thing, your instincts are spot on, well done for putting your son first and not making him feel like a piece of shit (thats your bf).
Your teaching your ds an important lesson as well that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable from adults and that will no doubt shape his own parenting in the future of what NOT to do.
I know it must be hard but I would honestly not be able to be with someone who treated one of my children like this.

Headofthehive55 · 26/10/2017 09:19

anon
Yes my teen - at a similar age to your does not ever eye roll or huff. Nor would I expect her to, nor would my DH. I don't generally even need to ask for help she just does. I might put some washing on and she gets to it first to hang it up.
My older DD is the same.
Younger one us still learning. But she is much younger.