Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

These threads really worry me, because everyone piles in with their own projections and history, but we don't really know what happened.

Option 1
DP has a vicious and abusive streak and is not safe around OP's children. She rightly stepped in to stop further harm occuring.

Option 2
DP is a good man who is probably exhausted looking after 2 tiny children all day and finally snapped when he saw OP's teenage son being sulky and sarcastic and rude to his Mum and is now being punished out of all proportion for one mistake.

OP - only you know what is closer to the truth. If it is anywhere near Option 2, I would consider your younger children and also the good it could do for your DS and DP to work this out and build a stronger family together. Step families are tricky and teenagers are tricky too - even for their natural parents - negotiating your way through this will never be easy. Family Counselling can help with this.

If you think it's Option 1, you don't need to ask.

Offred - Well TBH it actually is. Authoritarian parenting, which is what some on here seem to advocate, is known to damage children.

And softy softy parenting is why society is full of self-entitled kids. It seems we can't win?

Which is broadly what I think about xh as it happens... he is generally a very good and loving father, he was under a lot of pressure re dd’s (at that time undiagnosed and we were being told by school she definitely isn’t) ASD and he lacks some coping/communication skills (why I left him). DD’s behaviour at the time was extremely challenging and traumatising for our whole family so whilst I do understand how the incident of EA came to happen, there is no excuse, it was deeply upsetting to watch, I believe it was right for SC to stop contact to assess etc DD still remembers it from 2 years ago and their relationship has not been the same since...

It's not one or the other, Oddmanout. There is a happy medium.

Odd that’s a classic deflection tactic used to excuse abusive authoritarian parenting...

There is not only permissive (neglectful) and authoritarian (abusive) parenting...

There is also responsive, nurturing parenting which fosters good self esteem, independence, emotional stability and confidence (authoritative)...

Maybe your Ds cried out of guilt rather than fear - if he is as good as you say he will know his behaviour is not on - he will know he has been taking the piss - maybe not 100 % intentionally but none the less not giving you respect. Is this the first time someone has told him off as it were - maybe also some shock and a dent to his ego - after all if he knows his own DF is abusive I doubt he will want to be seen to be like him - especially if he has seen you hurt by your x,s actions in the past.

I think he is trying to say sorry by saying everything is fine - yet if he has never been taught to say sorry this will feel difficult. Some see saying sorry as a weakness _ it's not its a strength and a necessity to move on and try and compromise and resolve.

You say your DP has messaged your Ds to say sorry - this comes from a strong man who is not ruled by an ego. I bet your x never has said sorry for anything.

The longer you are not a family unit the more damage you may be doing - get your DP back let the dust try and settle before you try to talk. Is it half term does your Ds have things to do with friends - or could he stay with a friend - kids don't take things on board the same way we do - and I'm somewhat contradicting myself here because I worry my kids have been effected by an extremely acrimonious divorce and an ongoing abusive controlling x. Sometimes we all loose sight of the good because we are so scared of getting it wrong - so scared of putting our kids through more tough times - but you will only find the good by going through this - don't loose sight of what you have by the comments on here _ some will be too scared to even risk another relatiionship some are still hung up by their own lives even though they would say they are not.

Go back to the beginning of your relationship - you've done the freedom programme you know about red flags - was there any? How did he make you feel before the pregnancy and life took over. You will know the answer and it will most likely not be what the majority are telling you on here but go with your gut - I wish you well op x

I'll answer it, if you were openly rude to my wife in front of me as an adult, I 'may' scream in your face even though you're another adult. Depending of course on context. Though it would be highly unlikely.

Would that make it acceptable? No of course not but I wouldn't expect to lose my home, family and job because of it either.

I personally think there's a lot of overreactions, one after the other. From DP, from OP and from DS.

Sorry that was to Willow2017.

Totally agree with Fredrica and the best advice on this whole thread.

I hope that frames how you move forward OP.

Offred
He has removed himself from his two children... hmm he chose emotional support for him over emotionally supporting his dc...

Eh? He was kicked out of his home by the OP.

After being kicked out of his home by the very person he was defending, and watching the OP fawn all over the rude brat who caused all this to start with, you criticise him for seeking some support? Are you bonkers? He is a SAHF who is not allowed any more to be there for his DC because the OP has removed him.

Do you understand that the op ending their relationship and asking him to move out is a separate thing to his decision not to stick around, to move hundreds of miles away and therefore not have an ongoing relationship with his DC?

His choice was between going back to his family for emotional support with the break up and sticking around in less comfortable circumstances so that he could continue to care for his DC. He didn’t have nowhere else to go, he didn’t have an ex who said she wasn’t going to support him financially to continue to raise the DC. He had options and he chose to move hundreds of miles away.

Do you understand that OP kicking him out of the house (for finally having had enough of the brat's disrespectful attitude to the OP!) meant he had to find somewhere else to live, and if he's going to be of any use to anybody, especially his DC, he has to be emotionally healthy, so went to get emotional support from his family? If this was a woman, you wouldn't question a woman getting the support she needed after being kicked out like this.

"Less comfortable" doesn't really cover it.

I'd be mortified having to beg friends for help over something which could have been dealt with far more sensibly 'in house', begging a couch to sleep on because I couldn't afford to stay anywhere else, all because we'd decided between us that I'd be the one to leave work and stay at home with the kids. I wouldn't even ask.

Not to mention that he probably wants to keep it private between him and the OP - I know I would. Some people don't like broadcasting their private business to the world.

It’s very common for abusive partners to see caring for children as entirely bound up in their relationship status with the other parent. They see caring for the children as a thing they do for the other person and when the relationship breaks down they often just walk away from their own kids and don’t see any problem with doing so... they see it as a punishment for the other partner for ending the relationship, they often handwring about being prevented from seeing their kids when it was their choice to walk away... it’s pretty classic abuser behaviour... it certainly isn’t a sign of a healthy person to go from SAHP to hundreds of miles away...

That’s why a few people are saying his dramatic withdrawal from his kids is ringing an alarm bell. Committed parents don’t move so far away from their kids and healthy adults don’t need the emotional support of their family after a relationship ends to the extent that they should need to move hundreds of miles away from them...

If it was a woman I absolutely would question why she moved so far away and I have seen women questioned on this far more vehemently than men because sexism dictates a woman’s role is with the kids...

Odd - I don’t think feeling embarrassed is a good reason to make a decision which is potentially so damaging to your relationship with your kids...

The proper thing for a parent to do is recognise that being there for your kids is more important than feeling embarrassed in front of friends...

How many red flags do people need?

Screaming in someone's face
Shouting at the op when she pulled him up on it
Deserting his own dc for what is easiest for him
refusing to apologize until he faced consequences
Refusing to attend counselling until the op lets him move back in

If you were removed from your home - and had no job, and no access to money to fund a flat or hotel it us obvious that he needs t go to family who happen to live a long way away. so it's quite rational for me. I work in an area where I can almost guarantee getting a job but it would take time to get it organised 2-3 months when I would need to stay with family.

Ok offred
How can you stay close when your family isn't near, don't want to impose on friends (and it would be an imposition) and can't afford a hotel. A tent?
How ridiculous.

If a woman did this she would be absolutely shunned. She’d probably benefit from sexist assumptions that her shouting was not as abusive but if she moved hundreds of miles away after being a SAHP she would be totally pilloried with ‘what kind of mother abandons her kids?!’

When men do it people just kind of shrug and go ‘that’s men for you!’ Or somehow think because they are the father and not the mother the kids have less of a bond with them...

You could choose to impose on friends while you looked for somewhere permanent because you know your kids matter more than the discomfort of asking for help...

What I actually did when my marriage ended and I was a SAHM was find a rental property and move in there... I didn’t go live with my family hundreds of miles away... I am an adult with responsibilities that matter more than my embarrassment.

Bujinkhal

My question was would it be alright to do the same to an adult for the same reason, that they didnt jump when you told them to and sighed or said 'alright I am coming'?

A teenager saying 'alright' while he was walking towards his mum, doing as he was told albeit in a 'do I have to' manner is still not in the same league as someone openly being rude to your wife (the boy didnt shout, swear or say anything rude to his mum, she had already called him out on his attitude and he was doing as he was asked) I doubt you would scream and swear at a shop assistant, or waitress or similar.

Teenagers often think everything is too much effort for them, its fine to pull them up on it as op had already done, there was no reason to jump in and 'defend' her. There is no need to be screaming and swearing at them for every minor infraction.

My teen drives me mad sometimes, other times he is sweet and helpfull and very protective of me and his sibling. I call him out on behaviour when it happens and punish accordingly depending on what he said or did. I do not march up to him and scream and swear in his face.

To think it is ok to go nose to nose with anyone and scream and swear in their face is not the sign of someone who is in control of themselves.

How can you stay close when your family isn't near, don't want to impose on friends (and it would be an imposition) and can't afford a hotel

You put your dc first and impose on friends while you do everything possible to sort things.

BaronessEllaSaturday

You put your dc first and impose on friends while you do everything possible to sort things.

Oh, you mean like the OP has done with their children by kicking their father out for defending her against her disrespectful son?

You see how this works;

On one hand you have very young kids who need stability and consistency and an ex who is sympathetic and offering support to set yourself up after the relationship ended...

On the other hand you have a grown man who is upset about the end of the relationship, doesn’t want to ask for support from friends and wants to retreat back to family.

Why on earth would you not just swallow your pride, ask for help on a temporary basis and bite your ex’s arm off when they offered support?

The OP doesn’t owe him anything in law, just like all the unmarried SAHMs he is in a very vulnerable position financially, but in this case the OP has willingly offered to continue supporting him because she recognised the ethical commitment she made when they agreed he would SAH.

FlowerPot1234 Yes I believe she has put them first be removing an abusive man from their home