Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

He will have a relationship one day and the majority of men in prison is because of domestic abuse, violence or coercive behavior. He could end up shutting down and giving up. She needs to sort out her son and make sure his future is secured.

I feel sorry for her partner I don't think he knew what he was taking on. The op needs to sort herself out and see someone to speak about her issues. She needs to sort out her son. She needs to stop the dysfunction now.

The son has been a victim of abuse, firstly by his own father, and now by this incident from his stepfather. He is not the perpetrator.

And I'll add that the OP is setting a very good example to him by throwing the partner out..

She has shown by her actions that any form of domestic abuse is not to be tolerated. That there is never an excuse for losing control like her partner did and blaming it on the 'red mist'.

Wtf?
He says 'alright' in a reluctant tone as he does as he is told (as teens are wont to do) but this is an indication he is going to end up in prison?

We have enteted the twilight zone!!

Ops son is working he is making his way in the world whats wrong with that? My friend left school at 16 and started work as a secretary and now manages high earner accounts for footballers and the likes. School isnt the b all and end all for everyone.

Wow, thanks for your thoughts everyone.

Can I just clarify, my son is not a brat, disrespectful, abusive or anything else vaguely like that.

My son is also not in a crappy job, he is on a scheme where he will gain qualifications through his work and in 2/3 years will be on very good money and fully qualified.

My son occasionally, and i do mean very occassionally, eyerolls and huffs at me. Are you seriously telling me that all of your teens instantly get up and do everything you ask, even if they don't want to, and do it with a huge smile on their faces and a spring in their step? I doubt it very much.

Dp has decided he is moving closer to our dc. Not sure how or when yet but he is. I will help him with that.That's the best outcome I can imagine for now.

I'm still very confused about the whole thing, both sides of this thread (not the ones insulting my son for the sake of it) are like the battle I'm having within myself at the minute.

Hopefully dp will move closer, we can parent together and see where things go from there with ds. The distance is going to take the pressure off a lot of the situation.

Thanks again everyone.

MN is like heaven and hell.

Happyemoji Wed 25-Oct-17 18:12:39
Shoes you really believe that don't you. Would you be proud if your daughter started dating a young man like the op son. The males in my family are very protective of the girls.

I want my girls to find someone like their dad hard working, studious and who respects his mother and other people. He's far from perfect himself.

"The op should be encouraging him to go on with his education. If he's struggling get a tutor. The only way to free a person from shit is to educate that person. It brings confidence and freedom. Wrapping a 16 year old up in cotton wool will achieve nothing and he will continue to play on those emotions for as long as people allow him to. Very sad I would feel so disappointed if my children wanted to work in a minimum wage job and not continue education."

The boy is not in shit: he is in employment. The problem detailed by the OP was that it took him a few weeks to find a job and she got a bit nervous about it and nagged him. He went on looking- and found one.

The one person who seems to disrespect women in this household is not the son who walked away rather than shouting at her: it is her dp. The man who barged in when she was in the process of pulling her son up (looks pretty disrespectful to me), and then shouted at her afterwards and accused her of being in his face the moment she entered the room. That is a whole load more disrespectful than a muttered "oh yeah".

People are falling over each other to say that the dp's behaviour was just the once (it wasn't; he was then rude to the OP again), but they seem very happy to invent supposed misdemeanours perpetrated by the boy.

cross-posted with the OP

the boy seems very much as he is doing something about his future and has an excellent chance of doing well

good on you, OP, for staying so calm, both here and in RL

hopefully you will all be able to sort something out

He's 16 years old he is 2 years away from going to a big man prison.

For saying "alright" in a sarky tone?

OP, I really think that is the best outcome to hope for, for now.

Wish you the best

Italian - if this man was abusive I'm sure op would have picked up on this before now - there would be instances of him losing his patience - 2 toddlers are enough to test anyone's resolve -if he needed validation I'm sure he would have tried squaring up to the op or even the Ds before now

No there is no set time but three years to pretend you are not an abuser when you really are is a hell of a long time to keep up a pretence

The op was in an abusive relationship previously - she would have been on alert for any signs of this long before now with her new DP

I doubt this is the only time her Ds has made a sarcy comment - it sounds to me like the op is carrying some guilt for her current situation and maybe has become immune to her Ds attitude as she doesn't want to give him any more upset - maybe she just lets it go thinking it is mo big deal - this is what leads to abusive adults

I don't get what you mean about MN norms

The DP was supporting the op - maybe he didn't apologise because he didn't think his behaviour warranted it - it was only with the ops reaction that he saw maybe he had handled it wrong

Why shouldnt he go back to his family for support - his whole world has come crashing down too - it's still v early days - two weeks I think op said - he must be reeling - it's funny how he in now being seen as weak for having a supportive family

Yes a bit of back chat - roll on 5 years when he is giving gf backchat every time he gets asked to do something he doesn't want to - the op is letting him off the hook for being lazy etc - but note it was actually her that was telling him to get a job -

Where else do they get this attitude from?

No im not saying that at all - mothers Will naturally put their kids first some men have an issue when they are no longer the centre of attention and feel second place to their kids - it's these men that have the problem and if unchecked the damage to their ego will come out in anger

DP was told to go - that is very different from removing himself

Christ

I knew I would get that response. I thought the whole argument was over him getting a job and showing you respect. Now he is in a fantastic job and your partner is a cunt for raising his voice and shouting. Got it

I said at the start of the thread that he had been out of work/education for a few days at the point of this happening and for a total of 2 weeks

Happyemoji, the OP told us on p 2 that the job situation had got sorted after a few weeks. She only mentioned it at all to explain the background to the argument. I imagine the only reason she didn't mention the job in her OP was that she had not foreseen the extremely vivid imagination of some posters. But we hadn't gone many posts into the thread before she did clear it up. For the benefit of those that can read, that is.

If the OP’s son has two years before “big man prison” because he had a huff and puff and sarcastic one liner, it’s just as well she chucked out the screaming, aggressive DP, because by your standards Happy, he’s got 2 weeks until he’s a serial killer.

I'm making stuff up - this would be funny if it were not so tragic - I have twin 16 year olds - I could easily be the op - my kids are good kids too but I have struggled with what may be normal teenage behaviour but does this make it acceptable or excusable.

Kids need firm boundaries now just before they go into the adult world for good - I could excuse my kids they too have been through a tough time - but what good will this do - the last thing I want is them having any thought at all that it is ok to disrespect people if you are having a shit day or are in a bad mood or are feeling lazy.

This translates to unchecked adult behaviour.

If you are lucky enough to have compliant teens good for you - you may have expert parenting skills or you may just be lucky that your teens have an easy going attitude. This does not give you the upper hand though it just means your experience is different as is everyones.

Personally I don't think the DP is abusive and I too was in an abusive marriage - I think he's had a tough couple of years as have they all. He lost it _ this makes him human - he said sorry - this makes him able to question his own behaviour and more so he is prepared to go to counselling. This is someone who cares very deeply for the op her Ds and their 2 kids - you don't get many like this

Op I hope you manage to work this out

greenberet, the OP did pull her son up, she was in the process of doing so when the dp barged in

there is absolutely no suggestion either that she didn't pull him up on his rudeness or that her telling-off re his job seeking didn't have an effect: after all, he did get a job

sounds like parenting result to me

Happy
Rtft.
Op said at the start that her son had only been out of school 2 weeks before he got a job.

The dp wasnt screaming at him over getting a job.

He was screaming at him as he was butting in on something op was dealing with.

He was screaming at a child Who was actually doing as he was told

Then he screamed at op to "get out his face" when she walked into a room after him. How bloody ironic is that considering what he had just done?

His screaming wasnt a one off.

He frightened a child.

He wasnt sorry until his actions affected him.

He didnt move clise to his own kuds despite op being willing to facilitate this.

He didnt think of his two young kids who he cared for during the day he ran home to be consoled by his mummy.

He wouldnt consider counselling unless op let him back in. Despite her offer to support him close to the home.

None of the above makes him a victim in all this.

I am glad they are at least going to try to work at this for everyones sake. I really hope it works out if he is sincere about it. But he needs to know what be did to a vulnerable child who has memories of his abusive father and so does op.

The truth of the situation doesn't suit emoji's take on it, the boy has to be at fault. So the truth has to be totally ignored.

"your partner is a cunt for raising his voice and shouting" - now that IS the truth. Sums up the thread nicely.

" ... the last thing I want is them having any thought at all that it is ok to disrespect people if you are having a shit day or are in a bad mood ... * - what, you mean like the OP's partner did? Oh. Ok.

Op your son sounds like a great young man. I can tell you're very proud of him & so you should be. He's lucky to have you for a mum.
For anyone on this thread to read your posts and think otherwise is truly baffling.
Teenage eyerolls, the odd sarky comment and a bit of huffy puffy are nothing out of the ordinary!

Happyemoji........
Your comment is totally out of order. "The op needs to sort herself out and see someone to speak about her issues. She needs to sort out her son. She needs to stop the dysfunction now."

1. The OP is doing a great job
2. The son is a good lad & doesn't need anyone sorting him out
3. The OP has stopped the dysfunction by not allowing partner to bully her son

But sure you stick your wee knife right in there and give it another twist why don't you

Willow2017

He was screaming at him as he was butting in on something op was dealing with.

No, he screamed at him to stop disrespecting the OP and start to change his terrible attitude.

He was screaming at a child
He was screaming at a 16 year old who was disrespecting his mother.

Who was actually doing as he was told
No, he didn't, that's a lie. He disrespected his mother, when told off by her, he then went even further and disrespected her even more.

Then he screamed at op to "get out his face" when she walked into a room after him.

Having defended his partner, he (as I would be) must have been absolutely aghast to have the person he defended start to have a go at him, and absolutely humiliated to be forced to apologise to the 16 year old disrespectful brat, whilst seeing that said brat received no punishment for his actions, and was not asked to apologise to the OP. Quite reasonably, he didn't want to be around his partner who had failed to back him up in the way he had backed her up and humiliated him the process.

How bloody ironic is that considering what he had just done?
Yes - bloody ironic that the OP who he defended then criticised him for doing so. Bloody ironic that the disrespectful son received not one word of criticism for the further disrespect he showed the OP.

His screaming wasnt a one off.
The OP said it was.

He frightened a child.

He made a 16 year old rude boy cry.

He wasnt sorry until his actions affected him.

He's apologised. The OP and her son haven't.

He didnt move clise to his own kuds despite op being willing to facilitate this.

He is a SAHF and he was kicked out of his home by the OP.

He didnt think of his two young kids who he cared for during the day he ran home to be consoled by his mummy.

Your presumed powers of telepathy stink as does your rudeness about anybody - man or woman - who needs emotional support from their family when they have been kicked out of their home away from their children. This comment alone of yours is vile.

He wouldnt consider counselling unless op let him back in. Despite her offer to support him close to the home.

He doesn't see the point of relationship counselling if they are not in a relationship.

None of the above makes him a victim in all this.
All of it does.

I am glad they are at least going to try to work at this for everyones sake. I really hope it works out if he is sincere about it.

No you're not.

Have you ever thought about writing a book flowerpot that's quite an imagination you have there