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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a sexless marriage really 'work'?

251 replies

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 20:04

I'm a regular on here but have changed my name for this one. Have been married for eight years and together with my husband for ten. We have two young children. Since I got pregnant with my first child about five years ago, he has really gone off sex. I can count on one hand (truly)how many times we have had sex in the past five years, so much so that when I got pregnant with my second child, I knew exactly when, where and how it happened. We are reasonably happily married, have a good life, good health, enough money etc but we don't have sex. I would like sex and I know he wanks - a lot. We do not sleep in the same room let alone the same bed - he has huge problems getting to sleep and then if he is woken up finds it very difficult to get back off again. I know I have let myself 'go' over the years but he says this is not a problem though he would like it if I lost some weight. I'm no oil painting but he is not Brad Pitt so no real problems there. I want sex though. I'm in my mid thirties and although we are reasonably happy together I do not want to spend the rest of my life like this. Has anyone else got experience of a sexless marriage. How do you cope with it?

OP posts:

PregnantGrrrl · 12/04/2007 20:14

well, DP and i have sex maybe once every month or three. maybe not sexless to some, but i find it difficult sometimes. DP has a much lower sex drive than me. i went to counselling to look at why sex meant so much to me, how the situation makes me feel etc. Things are much better- i've learned to accept that's how things are. I love DP very much, and given the choice of this or not being with him, i know i would rather be with him.

it's difficult i know. i went through anger, loneliness, frustration, tears, the lot. We're different, and sometimes i feel sad, but mostly i think how life would be without him, and i know i'm blessed really. it's just one of those things.

NomDePlume · 12/04/2007 20:15

Marriages without sex, or with very little sex can and do work, but only if both partners are truly happy with the lack of sex in the relationship

Original poster

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 20:17

If he did not have a sex drive, I think I could handle it better. But I know he wanks. I think this is what really upsets me.

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peggotty · 12/04/2007 20:18

Oh good grief, I could have written a good portion of that myself!!! I think sexless/low sex marriages and relationships are more common than you would think. My DH and I have had problems in that department for about the last 7 years (of a 10 year relationship). He is also the one with the lower sex drive and since our dd was born 2 years ago (from a one off shag, believe it or not!) he also has major issues with sleep, is an insomniac in fact. I felt I was always the one who had to bring up the issue, and was then accused of nagging, or bringing it up at the wrong time. I got so fed up of getting the knock back sexually that I stopped trying and became convinced that he just didn't fancy me. I would say there are very few no-sex realtionships that are really happy. We also get on well, in the main and are secure financially etc, with a (miracle!!) gorgeous little girl. I know he loves and in the main, treats me well and respects me, as I do him. It's so demoralising to co-exist and not be able to express love sexually. I think a relationship needs sex for intimacy to exist. I felt like we were brother and sister or flatmates, and personally felt dead from the waist down!!

However, there CAN be light at the end of the tunnel. I got the Relate book which deals with sexual problems (I'm sorry I can't remember exactly what it is called, got it on amazon) and it recommended, amounst other things, a program of non-sexual touching and massage. This eventually leads to sexual contact when you BOTH feel comfortable enough. It's very recent but we have had sex a few times in the last couple of weeks, something I thought would never happen!! And we both enjoyed it!

The fact your dh wanks suggest he does have a reasonable sex drive but maybe has some kind of problem with the intimacy or even effort involved in sex. Can you or have you talked to him about the lack of sex, what is his take on it?

Londonmamma · 12/04/2007 20:18

He obviously needs sexual release but is finding it hard to 'merge' with a woman. I'm guessing he had/has an odd relationship with his mother? It is a problem because your're unhappy and there doesn't look to be a resolution on the horizon. Does he know it's a problem to you? Would he consider some form of therapy?

PregnantGrrrl · 12/04/2007 20:19

i think aswell it depends how other aspects are- if he is generally affectionate and you are happy together, it makes it easier. DP and i hold hands and cuddle, say we love each other every day etc. Some people DON'T have that, and they're at it like bunnies.

I would feel very sad if DP was sleeping in another room and masturbating 'alot' but not wanting sex . i really feel for you.

PregnantGrrrl · 12/04/2007 20:24

just asked DP about the wanking thing- he agreed with me that wanking isn't really an indication of sex drive....can be stress, boredom, habit etc.

i think you need a good chat about your feelings though. stuff like this festers and gets worse.

Original poster

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 20:27

I have brought this up - many times - and he always comes up with an excuse- the baby waking up, the pressure of his job, me coughing/turning/getting up to go to the loo in the night etc. He says that everything will be OK .... soon. He never raises the subject and I know things will not change. He does not have a particularly good relationship with his mother but I don't think this has got much to do with it really.

OP posts:

Original poster

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 20:33

The book sounds interesting peg - I will definitely look into it. We do not hold hands, but he does try and give me a hug sometimes. He tells me he loves me but not in a 'loving way'. More a sort of 'although we are not intimate I do love you you know' kind of way. I have given up telling him that I love him (unless he says it and expects a reply in which case I automatically say I do love him) and never initiate a cuddle or anything like that anymore. I feel betrayed in a way. He is staying away in a hotel tonight near his work so that his day today and tomorrow will be easier due to no commute.

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suzycreamcheese · 12/04/2007 20:33

sorry no help... dont think i could face one either...well, i know i couldnt....

peggotty · 12/04/2007 20:47

I also think not having sex just becomes this big self-perpetuating BAD habit. It's like you're both in a big rut. I TOTALLY understand how you have given up on intiating any physical contact. Being in a no-sex relationship made me absolutely miserable, so I know how you're feeling. My DH also used to make constant promises that things would change. Does your dh have a stressful job? I think stress can play a huge part in these kinds of problems and certainly our problems started when my dh took on more responsibility at work.

Original poster

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 20:52

Yes, he does have a very stressfull job and I am a SAHM. He is older than me (by 9 years) and I often wonder if this makes a difference. I know my sex drive is less than it was 9 years ago, so could his be even less due to his age? Am I grasping at straws here? I don't think he sees wanking as anything else than a method to go to sleep. I see it as a slap in the face.

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stitch · 12/04/2007 20:58

hh, im going to suggest something that everyone else is pprobly going to lambast me for.
lose some weight. do some self grooming. increase your confidence in your own attractiveness.
next, sleep in the same room. im not sure how, othere s will be able to advise better on this.

Original poster

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 21:02

I am beginning to think about me now. Enrolled at a gym yesterday and shaved my legs and under my arms last night (no joke - haven't done this for ages and ages). I don't think my lack of personal grooming turned him off me, I feel that the lack of attention led to m ejust not bothering to look after myself. That and caring for two little people. I now kind of feel that I want to be/feel attractive again - but not for him.

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peggotty · 12/04/2007 21:03

I think a stressful job and major sleep problems are probably your dh's main issues - a lower sex drive is likely the be a symptom of those things. Sounds like wanking is a way for him to get to sleep, as you say. I doubt very much if he has a problem with you or the way you look/are.

Maybe he would be more open to tackling his sleep problems/general stress rather than seeing it as a 'sex problem' (from his point of view). Then hopefully the rest would follow. He sounds a lot like my DH, and he's in his early 30's, so it's not necessarily an age thing....

stitch · 12/04/2007 21:04

well done you!
caring for yourself, and knowing tht you look good, will do woonders for your self esteem, adn eventually how he sees you.
noww keep it up and make sure you use the gym

peggotty · 12/04/2007 21:06

Oh god yes, DO start looking after yourself more!! I joined a gym about a year ago, and while I certainly don't have a honed gym body (far from it) just feeling like I was looking after myself made me feel so much better!!!

tinkerbellhadpiles · 12/04/2007 21:07

I had a sexless marriage - well at least it was sexless within the marriage itself . It was unsustainable for us. But lots of people live this way. The problem is tht if you are raising it as an issue, it's clearly bothering you.

Are you thinking about having an affair? A lot of people would do so to get some attention. But it's a slippery slope you may not want to get on.

Original poster

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 21:11

I'm not thinking about having an affair - at the moment. It does bother me that we do not have sex. I genuinely do not want an affair and neither am I ready to even think about one but I can say that I am wo worn out trying to sort this out that if I sort myself out and the opportunity arose in the future I might, in the future, consider it. Don't want this really though. Want my husband to want me again.

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peggotty · 12/04/2007 21:14

Would he consider going to a sex therapist?

Original poster

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 21:15

Haven't asked him about seeing a sex therapist - yet. I think for the time being I am going to channel my frustration and anger into improving myself for me. Thanks for all your help.

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peggotty · 12/04/2007 21:16

Ok. Please don't give up. It sounds like you love one another.

Original poster

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 21:19

We do and we have children together which is very important to both of us. I won't give up but I am starting to feel that I am 'dying' a bit. Sounds dramatic I know but I am not trying to be. It really is how I feel - that I am rotting away and my feminine side will desappear soon. I used to be attractive but now just feel let down.

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stitch · 12/04/2007 21:21

which is why it iss very important for you to do some self grooiming,f or your own confidence

Original poster

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 21:22

Yes stitch, I realise that but I feel sad too.

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