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Original poster

Can a sexless marriage really 'work'?

251 replies

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 20:04

I'm a regular on here but have changed my name for this one. Have been married for eight years and together with my husband for ten. We have two young children. Since I got pregnant with my first child about five years ago, he has really gone off sex. I can count on one hand (truly)how many times we have had sex in the past five years, so much so that when I got pregnant with my second child, I knew exactly when, where and how it happened. We are reasonably happily married, have a good life, good health, enough money etc but we don't have sex. I would like sex and I know he wanks - a lot. We do not sleep in the same room let alone the same bed - he has huge problems getting to sleep and then if he is woken up finds it very difficult to get back off again. I know I have let myself 'go' over the years but he says this is not a problem though he would like it if I lost some weight. I'm no oil painting but he is not Brad Pitt so no real problems there. I want sex though. I'm in my mid thirties and although we are reasonably happy together I do not want to spend the rest of my life like this. Has anyone else got experience of a sexless marriage. How do you cope with it?

OP posts:
nallydoolally · 15/04/2007 00:36

there was a thread about this the other night, something like "should i give my dh sex on demand..?" it was very interesting. i have taken on board all that was said as i am the one guilty of not wanting sex in our relationship, for generally these 3 reasons: 1) too many things worrying me/to think about; 2) can't be arsed (basically having to think about someone else's needs) and 3) generally knackered at the end of the day and feel like doing nothing. i go to bed to go to sleep, not for any other reason!!!
ok, so someone (can't remember who) suggested i try it more often, to get 'back into the habit' and i have decided that i will do that. have told dh to stop pestering because then i won't feel pressured into it...
so far, so good

Elena02 · 15/04/2007 00:56

This is the first time I´ve posted. I´ve been in a sexless marriage for 4 years now (since conception of second child 4 years ago we´ve had sex only once) and it doesn´t get any easier. My self-esteem is at an all time low, and it´s not that I´ve let myself go as I try my best to look after myself as best I can. It´s comforting to know that I´m not alone and other women feel the same way. Everyone assumes that it´s always the man with the high sex drive and the woman who can´t be bothered, but that is not always true. My dh says he loves me, he still finds me attractive, etc. but it seems that I´m the only one who cares about our lack of sex life and that I´m the only one making an effort to put things right. Have tried everything, talking, books, suggesting we go for counselling, but all the time he gets so defensive. He promises he´ll go for a check-up (which still hasn´t happened), that he´ll read the book I bought and read (he complains about how boring it is). I go to bed alone every night as he says he can´t go to bed before midnight. The frustrating thing is that I love him to bits, he´s such a great Dad, and I still find him very attractive. I just miss the intimacy so much and cannot bear to think that I may have given up sex at 30. Having an affair is not an option as i just couldn´t do it (though would never judge others who do), i don´t ever want to separate or get divorced as i want more than anything for my children to have a loving mum and dad. Everytime we try and talk, it just ends in an argument. Have tried just leaving it for ages to take the pressure off but that didn´t work either. Anyway sorry for rambling on but just wanted to say thanks for all the advice. As I said, it´s comforting to know that I´m not alone.

xenabelly · 15/04/2007 10:36

Elena - you sound exactly like me (without the affair) - it just makes you feel so sad doesn't it, when everything else is great.

Not got any advice , sounds like you've done same as me and got the same result (nothing)

just wanted to acknowledge your post and say hello

Londonmamma · 15/04/2007 10:53

Hello Elena- that's a very brave and honest first post! You sound lovely and I'm sorry you're in the situation you're in.

Elena02 · 15/04/2007 11:22

Thanks. I think it would help if we got help. Anyone know any good counsellors? The thing is otherwise we get on well, he doesn´t see the lack of sex as a big problem and sometimes I think it doesn´t matter as I have two gorgeous children who give me lots of love and affection. But at times I feel like I´m going to explode! If anybody knows of any good marriage/sex counsellors, let me know. In London area or even on-line/telephone (which may be less embarrassing for both of us)? Then maybe I could persuade him to try and sort things out.

PregnantGrrrl · 15/04/2007 11:57

try the BACP website for relationship counsellors.

nogin · 15/04/2007 12:33

Hi Elena02, your not alone sounds just like my situation only the other way round,before the children came along everything was fine but now theres just no time for each other
The other problem is our ds always comes in our bed at some point in the evening so im always trying to settle him ,also our dd has night terrors so im always on gard for if one does happen . The bottom line is with all this going on i just cant be bothered and i find it very hard to relax and switch off from being mummy and becoming a lover.

PregnantGrrrl · 15/04/2007 14:39

wow. suddenly feeling very depressed today over the lack on sex here. it creeps up on me from time to time. propositioned DP while DS was napping and got turned down, again.

feel like i'm missing out on something, and feel like a huge failure for some reason.

blurgh.

hereiam · 15/04/2007 19:22

I really feel for you Elena02. That could have been me writing that post... but it would have been me 11 years ago. My circumstances are and were almost identical.

I am now many years down the line... and I look at the time I would have posted that and I just wish, more than anything, I had pushed to get help more.

Like you, I felt I was the only one who cared about our sex life. Like you I tried to push the counselling, check ups and help. And like you... I got nowhere.

If I could offer any advice... I would urge you not to leave it.. not to do what I did. After such heartache I sort of shut down. I could not put myself through it any more. I threw myself into my children and my life.

The problem did not go away... problems like this never do. It came back with a vengeance because a woman cannot live without physical affection and lovemaking. Without it you shrivel up and die a little inside every day. You feel unloved, unwanted, unattractive and your self esteem plummets. That is not the way to live.

So please Elena do not give up trying to get help. I know its hard... tell your DH that this is a make or break situation. You cannot and will not live without making love. I thought I could and after 15 years realised I can't. Be strong.

If you would like my email address let me know.

xenabelly · 15/04/2007 21:49

hereiam - you sound like a woman who knows what she's talking about...do you mind me asking what happened eventually in your relationship?

I am guessing from the sound of your message that you split up - did you?

lazyanna · 15/04/2007 22:33

"a woman cannot live without physical affection and lovemaking." piffle

expatinscotland · 15/04/2007 22:35

That sux, hereiam.

Hope you're in a better place now.

Londonmamma · 15/04/2007 22:42

OK Lazyanna, how about 'a woman in a committed, monogamous relationship canno....' - is that any better. Sure, if you're single and don't have anyone around you make the best of it, but if you're meant to be part of a couple it's very hard, as these women have very bravely explained, to feel so very alone.

Oblomov · 15/04/2007 22:45

I find it really upsetting, what the current definition of a sexless marraige is.
Apparently ours !
They make out that if you are not at it atleast twice a week, then it is sexless - no seriously, I have seen articles where they said that if it was less than once a month then it was sexless.

Well, I don't think thats true.

Dh are I are very loving, friendly, talkative, affectionate, thoughtful, cuddly, kissing. All the time.
Sometimes we don't have sex for a couple of months, even 3 months. Other times there are plenty of bj's. Sometimes full sex three times in a day.

Sexless = unhappy.
No. We are not.
Apparently we are sexless, but I resent that defintion.

nallydoolally · 15/04/2007 22:49

Oblomov - sounds like what we have too

Oblomov · 15/04/2007 22:50

cheers nally. Glad we are not alone.

lazyanna · 16/04/2007 09:55

Londonmamma - I can not agree with that either, as I am in such a relationship, and it is still a marriage, and sex doesn't feature - there was an article in the Observer about this yesterday, though the woman in it still gave in a certain number of times a month to her husband. If a man came out with "a man cannot live without physical affection and lovemaking" I think i know what most of us would tell him to do.

PregnantGrrrl · 16/04/2007 10:49

sexless marriages can only work if both partners have no sexual desires for each other and don't feel they are missing anything.

i too read that article- her book is called 'i'd rather eat chocolate' (i think) Perhaps it would be helpful for people to read the perspective of the partner with zero libido.

i think the reason theirs works is that there's physical affection and they talk alot- her husband proof read every chapter of her book.

hereiam · 16/04/2007 12:50

Oblomov... no of course you aren't in a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage is one where you do not have sex for years ... not a couple of months. I could cope with only a couple of months but when it has actually been so long that you cannot remember what it is like... that is a sexless marriage - a whole world away from intermittent sex.

Lazyanna... I admire you if you are in this sort of marriage and are happy with it. The trouble is, both husband and wife have to be totally at ease with never making love again. I would imagine that is extremely unusual. And if a man said 'a man cannot live without affection and lovemaking within a marriage (as that is obv what I am talking about)' my sympathies would be with the man just as much as with a woman. No one should be condemned to a marriage without physical love.... unless it was what they signed up for in the beginning.

xenabelly... no we haven't split up... we are still together. I have been driven to go down the same route as you....

Expat... thank you for your kind words. I'm not resolved tbh.

PregnantGrrrl · 16/04/2007 13:35

i suppose technically mine isn't sexless-especially given my user name. it feels it sometimes though. i really think in a year or two it will be totally, and i don't know what i'll do then.

hereiam · 16/04/2007 13:35

then you must get help... i think.

PregnantGrrrl · 16/04/2007 13:38

we went to counselling together once, but the counsellor was pretty tactless in how she spoke to DP, and it really put him off.

i don't know- most of the time life's ok, then other times i feel like i'm grieving for something i've lost.

i can see us seeing a sex therapist eventually.

hereiam · 16/04/2007 13:43

That would be a good way to go... I tried to get my DH to a sex therapist but he kept putting it off.

If a counsellor is not tactful with your DH, it will put him off totally. Because this is not the 'norm' for a man and it would touch a huge nerve I think

PregnantGrrrl · 16/04/2007 14:13

oh she was dreadful- i went on my own at first, and she said that given some of the issues i was discussing, it might be more productive to have DP there. He agreed because it meant something to me, after 5mins she waded in with 'yes, but the real problem is you not wanting to make to make love to X isn't it?'

totally one sided, tactless etc. i remember thinking, great, he's not coming to see you again. (and i didn't either)

hereiam · 16/04/2007 14:23

how awful.... for both you and your DH. Hopefully the memory has faded for your DH now...?!

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