Hiya
Just a note to say something positive about Sex Therapists - when it's a therapist you can trust who is fully accredited.
My dh and I have had problems with him going off sex and me feeling completely unattractive and depressed. I'm glad that this is being discussed here, because when it's that way round you can really feel like you are alone. It's not something that most people feel comfortable admitting. After all, society says that men are all supposed to have these voracious sex drives, so there is often a lot of shame for both partners when things break down like this.
We saw a properly fully accredited Sex Therapist for a while and it really helped. Interestingly, what got us sexual again was the sex therapist banning sex altogether and giving us homework exercises in touching one another in a non-sexual way for a few weeks so that we were able to rediscover one another in a sensual way and to build up a physical intimacy and enjoy one another's bodies without the spectre of sex getting in the way. I say spectre, because from not having sex for so long and the recriminations that followed, the sex act itself had become surrounded in loads of anxiety and pressure for us both. Doing the exercises was in turns lovely although sometimes brought up a bit of loss and anger in us both, which we were able to bring up in therapy and work through. Most of the time, the intimacy of the exercises we did brought us closer together and to desire one another again. In fact, it went so well that we ended up cheating on the no sex rule, which was how our dd was conceived
Unfortunately we had to stop going when I became pregnant, because the therapist didn't think I would be in the right place hormonally and emotionally to continue whilst pregnant, so the process has gone back a few steps for us. In some ways it feels like we're back to square one and I find myself getting depressed, but really I know that is not the case, because it is something we can get back and there is hope. DD is still very small, so we haven't had the energy or time yet to get our sex life back on track, but we will.
I just asked my dh where he found the therapist, and he says it was through an organisation called BASRT (the British Association for Sexual Relationship Therapists). Which I imagine would be google-able.
It's realy important to see a therapist that you trust. Try and find out what their qualifications are and what their experience as a therapist has been. It's a real shame PregnantGrrrl that the counsellor you saw made your DP feel that way. It's a really sensitive issue and needs handling accordingly!
It took us a while to go and get help. When bringing up the issue with my dh, I found it was more productive when I didn't lay blame but spoke about us both having problems connecting, which ultimately was what it was. It can often be quite difficult for a man to admit there is a problem, just because he thinks his manhood is in question.
Anyway, I am in the same boat as lots of you on the loss of dh's desire thing, but I can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hope this helps