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Original poster

Can a sexless marriage really 'work'?

251 replies

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 20:04

I'm a regular on here but have changed my name for this one. Have been married for eight years and together with my husband for ten. We have two young children. Since I got pregnant with my first child about five years ago, he has really gone off sex. I can count on one hand (truly)how many times we have had sex in the past five years, so much so that when I got pregnant with my second child, I knew exactly when, where and how it happened. We are reasonably happily married, have a good life, good health, enough money etc but we don't have sex. I would like sex and I know he wanks - a lot. We do not sleep in the same room let alone the same bed - he has huge problems getting to sleep and then if he is woken up finds it very difficult to get back off again. I know I have let myself 'go' over the years but he says this is not a problem though he would like it if I lost some weight. I'm no oil painting but he is not Brad Pitt so no real problems there. I want sex though. I'm in my mid thirties and although we are reasonably happy together I do not want to spend the rest of my life like this. Has anyone else got experience of a sexless marriage. How do you cope with it?

OP posts:
PregnantGrrrl · 17/04/2007 09:19

how lovely!

mumto3girls · 17/04/2007 09:23

I have tried to understand..but can't help feeling sorry for her DH...I guess he does love her alot to stay...but does she love him the same? Hard to get my head around her refusal to accept sex within their marriage.

PregnantGrrrl · 17/04/2007 09:26

i think it's fine to not want sex, as long as you've tried to make a compromise, or at least you're respectful and sensitive to the other person's feelings.

considering she thinks it's an irrelevance, it seems to be all she posts about.

mumto3girls · 17/04/2007 09:29

There was quite a long thread about it where I did feel she got a bit of a roasting ( probably from me too) but unlike some of the stories on here where peoples partners have given them permission ( and even urged them) to find sexual gratification elsewhere, she said he defintely was NOT free to seek it elsewhere and he had to be faithful to her....

PregnantGrrrl · 17/04/2007 09:32

ah well. different strokes and all that. Their choice to have a marriage like theirs i suppose. and nobodies is perfect.

mumto3girls · 17/04/2007 09:39

Yes, you're right. I always like to learn about other people's situations to help me appreciate my own, and see it's strengths and weaknesses...

lazyanna · 17/04/2007 14:10

I'm really sorry, but this is something that I have strong feelings about. I know my views are not popular, but that does not make them unique, or wrong. I do not see that because I do not want him groping me that I should let him grope someone else.

Sex is not the centre of all marriages, it certainly is not the centre of all relationships, they are two seperate things that do not have to go hand in hand.

expatinscotland · 17/04/2007 14:15

'that I should let him grope someone else. '

You're right. Any sentient adult who allows something as personal as his own intimacy to be absolutely controlled by someone else who seems to nurture a pathological hatred towards any physical display of affection or love deserves all he's most certainly going to get.

kks · 17/04/2007 14:16

I know marriages work well with or without sex but i couldn't and wouldn't want a marriage without it. I love the intamacy etc, i know you can be intamate without having sex but for me its still nice to have.

mumto3girls · 17/04/2007 14:29

Lazyanna - weall know your views. But you can never explain sufficiently why your needs come before his. You have said you have no dark secret or horrible experience that makes you hate sex...you obvioulsy did it when you wanted to have your children..but have now decided that he doesn't need it and cannot in any circumstances have it ( with you or anyone else)...

I know he loves you and I know he could leave if he wasn't happy ( but you have already admitted he's not that happy with this situation)but why do you not want to makw love to your husband, the father of your children> Why don't you want thim to be happy?
Why should your happiness be of more importance than his I mean?

madamez · 17/04/2007 14:34

Lazyanna, the point is not that you are a bad person for having a low or non-existent libido. The reason people criticise your postings on this subject is that you give the impression that your wishes, feelings and desires are far more important than your partner's. Just like someone with a high libido telling a partner "I want sex therefore I'm going to have it with your body, that's just a part of marriage."
Couples with mismatched libidos need to be prepared to discuss the issue, respect each other's right to want/not want sexual contact, and try to work out some sort of compromise where both partners feel the other partner is making an effort to understand and accommodate their feelings. Exactly how such a compromise is worked out, whether it means the lower-sexd partner taking steps to increase his her sex drive, or the higher sexed partner having sex elsewhere with the other partner's knowledge and consent, is for the couples concerned to sort out for themselves. But stating that your parnter will just have to put up with things the way you want them to be is not a recipe for a good relationship, whether the issue on which you differ is having sex, having more children, how you spend the household money or who does the cooking.

hereiam · 17/04/2007 14:43

lazyanna.... you say 'I would be lying if I said my DH is happy with things as they are now'

Surely your situation is mine in reverse... my DH does not want sex and can't you see from this thread how desperately unhappy it makes that person?

Aren't you afraid he is going to look elsewhere because we all have needs and desires. The only way a sexless marriage works is if both parties are accepting of that.... very rare.

hereiam · 17/04/2007 14:45

You consider lovemaking within a marriage to be an 'irrelevance'. Does he agree with that statement?

I'm not getting at you.. I am genuinely interested... i am trying to apply your circs to mine (to try and understand mine a bit better tbh)

lazyanna · 17/04/2007 14:50

I am sorry, but I can not see that there is a compromise that can work in this sort of situation. It is not as if we are talking about something critical, like food or water, we are talking about a recreation.

I do not like or wish to indulge in that recreation, but if my DH went and "indulged" with someone else, then there would be an emotional aspect which would undermine what is meant to be a faithful marriage.

I would imagine that if we had some sort of sympathy sex, to some sort of timetable, as suggested in that book, then it would not be nice for either of us.

mumto3girls · 17/04/2007 15:03

When you got married did you tell him that it would be a sexless one ( after procreation)?

The point I don't understand is that you say you view sex as something unnecessary, almost frivolous and definitely not meaningful - therefore why do you still view it as an important part of your marriage vows??

If you say it means nothing and is irrelevant then why would it bother you if he ws getting it somewhere else but the rest of your relationship remained the same?

hereiam · 17/04/2007 15:15

i am amazed by your view tbh lazyanna. I really need to know if this was something you agreed with him before you both married.

For my part, it was something I did not agree... and I feel cheated and bitter. I would imagine he does too.

How can making love with the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with, be an irrelevance? He obviously doesn't share your view... you are punishing him for something... I havent yet worked out what it is.

expatinscotland · 17/04/2007 15:16

We all want our children to be happy.

Lazyanna's husband is someone's son.

hereiam · 17/04/2007 15:16

And I disagree... it is critical to a marriage. I would hardly be on this thread talking about it with such a heavy heart, if it wasn't critical.

mumto3girls · 17/04/2007 15:37

In Jan06 eith Lazyanna had a different opinion or her dh was using her sccreen name

i quote from her post 'I just try to accept that some people aren't interested, though He used to be. I don't think I could bring myself to seek an alternative. '

PregnantGrrrl · 17/04/2007 15:39

for what it's worth, as much as i find lazyanna bizarre at best, i can see why she still wouldn't want her husband to be with someone else in a way. at the end of the day, i assume she doesn't keep him with her by locking him in the house. i assume he chooses to stay with her.

hereiam · 17/04/2007 15:41

agree pregnantgrrrl.... but how does she know? I assume he is not in the house 24/7

PregnantGrrrl · 17/04/2007 15:42

perhaps not. who knows?

expatinscotland · 17/04/2007 15:42

True, PG, but I'll be frank with you.

A number of my mother's friends have found themselves in situations similar to lazyanna's husband.

And have had either one or many affairs, some for decades with the same man - whose wife also went off sex and refused to do anythign about it.

None of them have ever been found out, and if the guy knew, he certainly didn't bring it up.

All have been married for 30+ years.

It does happen.

It's very sad, but honestly, if the partner isn't willing to do anything about it, it doesn't leave his/her spouse with much choice, does it?

hereiam · 17/04/2007 15:45

Maybe I shouldn't be on here because I do feel rather too strongly about it. Unless there are valid reasons, FWIW I think it is unfair and mean to decide to withold physical contact unless you have both agreed you are happy with that. And Lazyanna's stance seems to be of the witholding type. L

mumto3girls · 17/04/2007 15:45

I think lazyanna is the one who wants sex really..

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