Can a sexless marriage really 'work'?

[HampshireHog]

I'm a regular on here but have changed my name for this one. Have been married for eight years and together with my husband for ten. We have two young children. Since I got pregnant with my first child about five years ago, he has really gone off sex. I can count on one hand (truly)how many times we have had sex in the past five years, so much so that when I got pregnant with my second child, I knew exactly when, where and how it happened. We are reasonably happily married, have a good life, good health, enough money etc but we don't have sex. I would like sex and I know he wanks - a lot. We do not sleep in the same room let alone the same bed - he has huge problems getting to sleep and then if he is woken up finds it very difficult to get back off again. I know I have let myself 'go' over the years but he says this is not a problem though he would like it if I lost some weight. I'm no oil painting but he is not Brad Pitt so no real problems there. I want sex though. I'm in my mid thirties and although we are reasonably happy together I do not want to spend the rest of my life like this. Has anyone else got experience of a sexless marriage. How do you cope with it?

I honestly find it hard to think that anyone would think that maturbation could replace a full sexual relationship with someone who is supposed to love you...

Hi everyone. As I explained earlier, I also have a decade's experience of living with a man with a very low libido. It took me a long long time to realise that my resentment and anger about the situation was also a huge part of the problem. I was permanently trying to seduce dp in order to prove a point rather than cos I necessarily wanted sex with him. AS I explained earlier, he knew the difference, and not surprisingly, didn't respond. Men are a) stubborn, and b)don't like shagging angry stressed-out women. Anyway, sorry for repeating mysefl ...

I also wanted to contribute a few more points. I think men are very very habitual. For me the solution involved not only working on my feelings of anger but also trying to work within his habits and rhythms etc. For instance, he's a night person whereas I like to go to bed at ten. I would always be trying it on in the morning, with no success. Another 'mistake' I kept on making was trying to introduce 'fun' and naughtiness into our relationship by trying to give him a bj while he was on the phone or the computer. THis simply irritated hin because he was working and as we all know, men just can't do two things at once. Anyway, I'm rambling, but I hope it makes sense.

PS; I found it useful to see a counsellor by mysefl about my feelings of anger, before going along with my partner.

I agree completely hereiam! And it would be SO nice to feel all of those things once in a while!!!!

Masturbation just makes me more frustrated in the long run anyway!

Masturbation is just like it is for a man.... a release. It can make me angry that I feel I have to do it. It bears no comparison to lovemaking does it?

Lilianjelika... do you feel you have had to rei in your 'naughty' side though?

that should read rein in

JUst wanted to add something about masturbation. I do feel that flossing the cat so to speak has helped me through the problem a little bit by providing me with a rich alternative fantasy life. (I have a high sex drive and do it ALL the time - oh my god, never admitted this before!!). I think dp finds it quite intimidating so now I keep it secret. Not sure if men can cope with the idea of women wanking all the time...it makes them feel inadequate I suppose and possibly compounds the problem?.

Hi hereiam. Yes I do have to rein in my naughty side quite a bit. Although I can sometimes introduce a bit of naughtiness once we're having sex - as long as it doesn't involve too much talking. He hates that!

Well, I'm a secret one too!! If my DH can do without sex, he damn sure wouldn't understand why I have to resort to incessant rabbit use!
He probably wonders why we get through so many batteries tho...!

So Lilanjelika... you have comprimised then... don't you miss being naughty, or having to not talk about what you want to do etc... Its obviously a compromise you are happy with... do you think you can build up the naughty stuff?

I have definitiely compromised but at least there's some intimacy in our life again. Without sounding cliched, a relationship is all about compromise anyway, isn't it?

Not sure if we can build up the naughty side. I suspect we can once we both feel a little more confident... my problem is that I tend to go overboard. Years ago, before the whole sex problem kicked in, we went to an S/M fetish party. Dp was horrified by how much I enjoyed it. He was really threatened!! I think, looking back, it ctronibuted towards our sex life going wrong...

Anyway, must put dd to bed but will be back later...

Yes a relationship is all about comprimise and I'm glad to hear someone has worked through the probs and reached a compromise... very encouraging.

I'm single and don't have a boyfriend. On your arguments then I shouldn't be turning down married men then on account of them being married and shoud serve my own needs by sleeping with another married mumnetter's husband if she isn't given him sex? Just looking at it from all sides....

You ladies are stronger people than I am.

When I married DH, it was with the understanding that we were very sexually compatible, too. Because that was important to both of us.

If he'd changed the goalposts drastically and abruptly for no reason and refused to discuss it calmly (or at all) and/or seek help about it (with me or alone), I'm not sure what I'd do.

I agree with compromise in relationships, but I'd be very, very sad and unhappy to have to 'turn off' what I feel is intrinsic to my very nature, when he knew full well who I was when we married.

I'm not talking about a spouse or partner who suddenly develops a fetish I'm not comfortable with, gets addicted to porn, decides he/she wants to start swinging (which is fine for some folks but not for me), etc.

But someone who just all of the sudden felt disgusted by 'naughtiness', playfulness, imagination in bed, sex drive, etc.

Xenia! Do we take it then that you have married man falling at your feet and you turn them down due to your moral high ground?

Xenia... that's tosh! Its rather different being a single person than a married for 20 yrs person who is expecting to carry on the sexual life that started when she was dating and first married her husband!

Yes.. expat.. you are so right. My DH knew what a horny devil I was when he married me... I haven't c.hanged, but he has

ps, on-line, yes. Lots of men are married. The first question I always ask is are you single. People lie too but I'm good at getting the truth. I've downloaded marriage certificates from the gov. web site before now.

I was just looking at say a mumsnetter isn't having sex with her husband - there will be droves of them that don't particularly when they have young children - too tired, lost interest, rather watch TV, sleep etc. He approaches someone like me because like some of the women on the thread he's not getting it at home, his wife won't do anything about it and refuses to talk about it and he loves her and wants to stay with her and the chidlren - should I be sleeping with him in a sense to aid his marriage or, as I do, rejecting him? In fact I reject them because I don't want to be a tiny bit on the side and a dirty nasty secret. I'm not sure I do it for the sake of the wives.

Hello everyone, have just been catching up with the thread. I feel exactly the same way as Hereiam. Sex and intimacy are so important to a marriage and for the self-esteem of both men and women, and masturbation is no alternative (temporarily satisfies the frustration but not the longing for love and passion).

My dh admits it´s not easy for him either as it makes him feel unmanly, he´s convinced it´s a physical problem as he assures me he finds me just as attractive as before (physically I haven´t really changed much, am still and always have been a size 10) so he reckons Viagra will solve all our probs. He´s agreed to give it a try soon (anything is worth a try) but am not sure if I like the idea of a tablet making him want to make love with me when otherwise he wouldn´t want to.

Plus I feel I´ve changed too now, like Hereiam I also feel I´ve shut myself down emotionally in order to cope with the lack of sex, so the thought of getting intimate with dh (or anyone else for that matter!) seems almost scary and overwhelming. Can´t even remember how to kiss someone let alone anything else.

The issue of whether or not affairs are "acceptable" in these circumstances is very personal, I can understand anyone for being driven to having one, but for me it would be like giving up on our marriage and would be terrified he´d find out (i´m no good at lying and hiding things from people) and would never forgive myself for what that could mean for my little ones. Tbh I do sometimes fantasise about another man seducing me one day and rediscovering my sexuality (though would prefer to rediscover it with my dh) - so thinking about it i guess is as "bad" as actually doing it. Or maybe it means I would LOVE to have an affair in order to boost my self-esteem, just don´t have the courage.

Apologies for rambling on once again ...

Elena02... I feel for you. I could have written the exact same post as you.
If you want my email add, just let me know.

Hereiam - thanks, please do give me an e-mail address so we can keep in touch and you can let me know how you´re getting along. Will be thinking of you and hoping you also manage to sort out your differences. Keep me posted!

EL, I think viagra is properly prescribed by good doctors and is a legitimate tool. I had lunch with someone whose wife was a sex therapist... it was quite amusing actually his stories to us, couples creeping up to teh house in the village in the dark hoping no one they knew would notice them and then she helps them. I'm not sure what she actually does presumably things like banning sex for a month and couples just touching etc.

I don't think thinking about adultery is as bad as adultery although I think St Paul said it was but he was a bit of an aberration.

Elena: Viagra is certainly worth a try (though if your DP has any issues like high blood pressure or heart problems then get it via a properly qualified medic rather than off the internet). For some people, the very idea of taking a pill that will make them feel randy (yes, I am over simplifying what it actually does) is in itself a turn on.
And there is always the possiblity with some sex-avoiding men that they are so afraid of willy-failure that they just daren't risk having sex, and are phobic about even mentioning the possibility, when it may all be down to a physical problem: quite a lot of long-term medications have an effect on the libido.
But, again, the biggest problem is when one partner won't even try to fix the problem, despite the other partner's deep and continuing distress.

Elena02

I really relate to what you said about shutting down because of the lack of sex and finding the idea of getting intimate with DH scary and overwhelming.

It was exactly the same for me with my DH - I got so fed up with putting myself up for a fall by coming on to him and getting rejected all the time - which is bloody humiliating! - and I was so hurt by the constant rejection - that I built up a bit of a defence mechanism and shut that side of myself off.

In terms of your DH thinking that viagra is the answer, I guess it could be. That's not something I know an awful lot about and I'm not dismissing what your DH thinks may work for him. FWIW though, what is also occurring to me is, does he feel anxious about being sexual, especially since it's been a while and it has become an issue. I ask because that was definitely a factor with me and DH. Also, there was the problem that we just lost our connection to one another somehow and it made intimacy a real problem, which made the idea of feeling sexy a remote dream!

When we saw a sex therapist, she got us to do lots of work at just reconnecting to the intimacy - sex being banned so it wasn't there as a pressure. We had a homework exercise of touching. We had to set a time each week that we had to stick to, even if we didn't feel like it. We both had to make an effort - be freshly showered and smelling nice. The room was prepared, so cleared up, warm with soft lighting (we used incense and candles). Music was played in the background - but not music with distracting lyrics. We both had to be naked for the exercise. Then for 15 minutes each, one of us had to touch the other person starting from the top of the head and finishing at the toes. We were not allowed to touch sexual organs. In touching, we were not to touch the other person how we thought they'd like to be touched, or to try and turn them on. It was all about rediscovering that person's body and touching them as we'd like to touch them. The person being touched wasn't to give instructions or make comments. During the exercise we weren't to talk. After 15 minutes we'd swap toucher and touchee. After the other person had done their 15 minutes, then we were to cuddle and talk about it with one another - saying what we had enjoyed and not enjoyed so much.

We both found this exercise really helpful in helping us to reconnect to one another, and also to appreciate one another's bodies again. As the weeks progressed, the exercises changed and became more sexual, but the taking the sex away was very effective because we had just got so wound up by the whole 'we have a rubbish sex life' thing and all the other stuff about doing it right and having orgasms etc that easing back into it and just focussing on intimacy was very positive.

The fact that we were seeing a therapist regularly whilst doing these exercises was good because we found that resentments that we had buried were uncovered as we became intimate again, which was a healthy thing, but seeing someone who could help us move on from those resentments really helped.

Anyway, I'll stop wittering on because this is turning into a bloody thesis but I guess what I'm trying to put across is that sometimes the intimacy has to be worked on first so that a healthy sex life has a solid foundation to be rebuilt on.

DixiePixie - you´re right, not just sex has become a problem but also intimacy for us too, which needs to be worked on first. Sounds like you had a good therapist, and you have a wonderful dh who is so willing to work through all the problems with you. Cannot really see my dh wanting to talk to a complete stranger about our sex life, but the "homework" sounds good so maybe I´ll suggest we try out the first exercise

Xenia and Madamez - you´ve made me feel more positve about the viagra route, maybe if it works for him a few times it´ll increase his sexual confidence and he won´t need to use it anymore once we relax a bit and he realises it´s actually quite fun after all .. or at least i seem to recall it used to be fun!

Yes, we were very lucky and had a brilliant therapist who we found through the BASRT (British Association of Sexual Relationship Therapists). I can understand your dh being a bit reticent about discussing personal details with a stranger - it definitely has to be a therapist who knows what they are talking about and who you feel comfortable with!!! It was good for us to have someone to talk to, because, through doing the 'homework' exercises, we found there was a lot of emotional baggage that came to the fore relating to why our sex life had come to a standstill, and we needed help dealing with that so that we didn't build up further insecurities and resentments. I guess going to a therapist wasn't too huge a deal for either of us because we had both had therapy in the past for other issues. We really need to go back to the therapy because it is not totally sorted out - but everything came to a bit of a standstill when I got pregnant (though I am sure I have our therapist to thank for the fact that my husband and I were able to produce a beautiful dd!!! )

Elena02 and everyone else who has posted about this - good luck with it all! It's amazing how something seemingly enjoyable and fun like sex can become this hugely stressful thing. I have found it really comforting to know that I am not alone in all of this, and the postings have helped me think it all through and get back into a positive headspace about it all, so thanks everyone!