Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a sexless marriage really 'work'?

251 replies

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 20:04

I'm a regular on here but have changed my name for this one. Have been married for eight years and together with my husband for ten. We have two young children. Since I got pregnant with my first child about five years ago, he has really gone off sex. I can count on one hand (truly)how many times we have had sex in the past five years, so much so that when I got pregnant with my second child, I knew exactly when, where and how it happened. We are reasonably happily married, have a good life, good health, enough money etc but we don't have sex. I would like sex and I know he wanks - a lot. We do not sleep in the same room let alone the same bed - he has huge problems getting to sleep and then if he is woken up finds it very difficult to get back off again. I know I have let myself 'go' over the years but he says this is not a problem though he would like it if I lost some weight. I'm no oil painting but he is not Brad Pitt so no real problems there. I want sex though. I'm in my mid thirties and although we are reasonably happy together I do not want to spend the rest of my life like this. Has anyone else got experience of a sexless marriage. How do you cope with it?

OP posts:
PregnantGrrrl · 13/04/2007 07:51

it sounds like there's bit of a vicious circle going on- you've 'let yourself go' because he's not interested, he's not interested because you've 'let yourself go'

definately do something nice for yourself- like the gym and a good shave! maybe he'll notice, maybe he won't, but you'll feel a bit nicer, which is a start.

please talk to him. i asked DP if there was something i could do he'd like, or if he had anything in mind he might like to do- there wasn't. he's just lost those feelings, although i do think sometimes that when he turns me down it's out of habit!

maybe you could do something together- a regular date night, or join the gym together? do you think that might bring you a bit closer as a start?

Londonmamma · 13/04/2007 08:45

Hampshirehog - he went off sex when you first got pregnant. I know you dismissed my question about his relationship with his mother but I do thinks it might be relevant. There ARE men who find it really hard to cope with their LOVERS becoming MOTHERS, because it stirs up lots of unresolved issues for them. That is where therapy could help him and, ultimately, you.

I really would question whether the problem is that HH has 'let herself go' or that the sexless marriages discussed here are because the partner no longer finds you attractive - I think it's much deeper than that. After all, you don't usually have to be a stunner to get sex, just warm and willing!

AnAngelWithin · 13/04/2007 09:29

we have had a really rough time the past couple of years. We have not had sex for months now. I have been really depressed and now on ADs which seem to be working. We were on the verge of splitting up before christmas. To the point he was looking for flats and I was sorting benefits out. We decided to give it another go anyway and I went on ADs. Probably only 3 times since before having dd who is now 14 months and only twice while I was pg with her. We are trying to build on our relationship as a couple and be friends as well. The no sex thing has not been an issue up to now. I don't know if it will work but what else can I do?? We do care about each other and still kiss and cuddle and lay on the sofa together chatting and cuddling. I AM worried that he might go elsewhere if I am not sleeping with him. We don't have the time or the energy to have sex anyway! lol.

AnAngelWithin · 13/04/2007 09:39

the thing is we are getting on better now that we dont have sex!!

electra · 13/04/2007 09:49

I had a friend who told me her parents agreed not to have sex again because they did not believe in using contraception and already had 4 children.

A bit different from your situation, I know. I would try to work on your self-esteem as it sounds like you're pretty low.

electra · 13/04/2007 09:54

Voice what does "looking the other way" mean?

Voice · 13/04/2007 16:16

Electra it means you know what's going on but choose to ignore it in order to avoid a confrontation or having to think about it too much.

Women of my mother's generation did this for years when their husbands had affairs; they were too afraid of divorce and what that would mean for them financially.

mytwopenceworth · 13/04/2007 18:50

yes a sexless marriage can work. i'm in one and we're fine.

but it can only work if both of you are comfy with it, and it sounds as if a sexfree life is being forced on you, rather than it being something you are happy with. with us, sex just doesn't happen and it's been that way for about 7 years now. it is not an issue for us, we don't see a problem, we just don't feel like it. i'm sure if we looked at each other one day and felt all overcome, we'd have a pop, but right now, neither of us has the urge.

we laugh, cuddle, talk, and everything else, just don't get all hot and sweaty!

xenabelly · 13/04/2007 19:36

mytwopenceworth - do you talk about your sexfree life? What I mean is, I accept that it isn't a problem for you but is it just something you both don't mention or do you sometimes acknowledge it/have a laugh about it/discuss why you're both not bothered?

Not judging, think anything goes in a relationship and if you're both happy great - was just wondering....being nosey really! lol!

nogin · 13/04/2007 20:25

having children is great but just dont seem to have the time or energy to have sex anymore ! had it only 5 times last year ,twice so far this , however just dont feel the urge i used to ,dh and i dont get any time for each other always working or with children,think that part of me has gone.i do find it hard to switch off i know ,unlike men who dont have this problem ,anyone els relate?

mytwopenceworth · 13/04/2007 20:33

xenabelly - yes, we did. it was dh who first 'went off it' and i was very upset as i thought it meant he found me repulsive. i had sex=love firmly in my mind. but we talked lots and i realised that he loves me very much and he shows me in very many ways and once the pressure was off me to be desired and desirable through being mounted thrice weekly (lol), i felt totally ok, because tbh, sex itself has never been something that i have loved, i just needed to feel loved, iyswim. and i do.

we don't talk about it much any more, because it doesn't occur to either of us. i think if we saw it as a problem then we would discuss it to try to find a solution, but because we are happy with the way things are, there's really nothing more to talk about.

i mean, we haven't sat down and said right, we are never going to have sex again, it just doesn't come up.

pardon the pun.

keziah · 13/04/2007 20:43

It's the opposite way round for me, my husband has a much higher sex drive and it's caused a lot of unhappiness over the last ten years. I found this book very helpful \link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sex-starved-Marriage-Couples-Boosting-Libido/dp/0743252411/ref=sr_1_1/202-0017568-8845448?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1176493240&sr=8-1}

keziah · 13/04/2007 20:45

Sorry _ i just can't do the link thing. try this have a look at this

keziah · 13/04/2007 20:47

Phew! Michele Weiner Davis is a brilliant marriage therapist and is really positive and encouraging. I'm always reccomending her books.

madamez · 13/04/2007 23:30

Having sex is different and separate from being co-parents. You dont own anyone else's genitalls or libido.

Why do all you straightpeople make such a F** big deal about it?

xenabelly · 13/04/2007 23:33

madamez - what??

What do you think we (straight people) making a big deal out of?

Not sure what you're so wound up about....

madamez · 14/04/2007 00:07

Xenabelly: straightpeople make a big deal out of monogamy ie "if I don't want sex ever again my partner is not allowed ot have sex ever again".

Londonmamma · 14/04/2007 00:59

Whether the partners are gay or straight the issue here is about one wanting sex and the other being switched off. We maybe shouldn't get sidetracked into a heated debate about gay vs straight approaches to relationships - that's for a different thread!

lazyanna · 14/04/2007 23:03

to answer your question, yes, sex is just a thing some people seem to think they have to put up with because they are married - once you get past that you don't have to have it

SpawnChorus · 14/04/2007 23:24

lazyanna - you amuse me! I knew you'd post on this thread I had a little peek at your posting history (weirdo stalker alert!!) and nearly all your posts are re: the lack of importance of sex. I think you protest too much.

Seriously though, I like the way you stand your ground against the tide of a thousand nympho MNetters.

singledadofthree · 14/04/2007 23:26

Not a chance unless both partners dont want it. does that ever happen? cant happen often, unless youre maybe Mr lazyanna

ebenezer · 14/04/2007 23:27

Sorry have i missed something? is this a new heterophobia thread? Why the straight bashing? No doubt if someone made a similarly prejudices homophobic comment there'd be friggin' uproar.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2007 00:04

I agree with singledadofthree.

xenabelly · 15/04/2007 00:17

ebenezer - that's what I was thinking! Where did that rage all come from? very strange and a tad bitter i think!

expatinscotland · 15/04/2007 00:23

I wish I owned my husband's willy .