Can a sexless marriage really 'work'?

[HampshireHog]

I'm a regular on here but have changed my name for this one. Have been married for eight years and together with my husband for ten. We have two young children. Since I got pregnant with my first child about five years ago, he has really gone off sex. I can count on one hand (truly)how many times we have had sex in the past five years, so much so that when I got pregnant with my second child, I knew exactly when, where and how it happened. We are reasonably happily married, have a good life, good health, enough money etc but we don't have sex. I would like sex and I know he wanks - a lot. We do not sleep in the same room let alone the same bed - he has huge problems getting to sleep and then if he is woken up finds it very difficult to get back off again. I know I have let myself 'go' over the years but he says this is not a problem though he would like it if I lost some weight. I'm no oil painting but he is not Brad Pitt so no real problems there. I want sex though. I'm in my mid thirties and although we are reasonably happy together I do not want to spend the rest of my life like this. Has anyone else got experience of a sexless marriage. How do you cope with it?

Yes that's what I felt, 'dead'. It's like living a sort of half-life. It becomes your only focus, it's all you can see about your relationship, that you're abnormal and it's always going to be that way. Join that gym and look after yourself for you.

Also, and please don't be upset by this, but try to see it from your husbands point of view. Insomnia is an awful thing, and a highly stressful job can be debilatating to a relationship. He's permanently totally fucking knackered, he knows he's got problems with you and probably just doesn't have to energy to tackle them.

I feel for you so much..

Having been ignored myself I know how that feels. The constant irony for me was that men would hit on me almost constantly but my DH didn't seem to see me.

I don't have an answer for you but it's likely he also feels a bit rejected and perhaps a bit sad too.

What happens if you try and initiate sex? Or even a cuddle?

Tinker I can't answer your questions positively. I haven't initiated sex for as long as I can remember and neither have I cuddled him either. I feel 'dead'. Although I want sex, I don't touch myself IYSWIM.

Perhaps you should get to know what you like and then work on things with your DH. I know it's been a while but seriously, you are missing out.

EVERYONE except you does it you know!?

Don't be sad, do something about it. You can fix this.

Thanks for chatting ladies. I've got to go now. He is staying away tonight and I have got to do everything before I go to bed. I will think about things though. Thank you.

Talking about it makes you really down. doesn't it? It's like lancing a boil to let the poison out iykwim. I would be in denial for months at a time and tell myself I didn't care, but if I thought about it for any length of time I would feel so sad and think my life was being wasted away. Yes, that sounds dramatic too, but it's how you end up feeling. You are crying out for affection, as well as sex. TELL HIM!

Thank you pegg. Everything you have said I have really been able to identify with. I am sad for you that you understand what I am going through but in an odd kind of way it does help that someone else knows how I feel and has been through this too ... and survived. Thank you for your time.

Good luck. There's no quick fix, but honestly, if i can sort it out, I'm sure you can - our situations sound so uncannily similar.

Kerrymum may well have a point. An awful lot of people think that there's something called a "normal" sex life and anything that doesn't fit in with these imaginary parameters is somehow wrong.
I don't mean to frighten or offend you OP, but there are a whole load of sexual preferences that go on between consenting adults which are unusual but not unethcial, IYKWIM. People whose tastes run to the unusual (just for clarity, I'm referring to things like dressing up in particular clothes, bondage, spanking) can find that, the more they try to pretend they don't desier such things, out of fear that they will be rejected or because they feel that their desires are "bad", the more their libido will fade away.
Is it possible you could have a chat with your DP about erotic literature/porn and see if he expresses any particular enthusiasm for anything. You are, of course, under no obligation to do anythign that you find revolting or frightening or painful, but if your DP has a particular taste that you think you might be able to indulge (or even, when you find out what it is, think it actually sounds really horny) then things could get better.

a sexless marriage definately cant and wont work.

my guess is that it will 'work' until one of the partners is re-ignited/comes alive with some sex outside the marriage. at which point the marriage falls apart.

hi

I've posted on a couple of other threads recently with the same problem. My hubby and I love each other to bits but never have sex, or if we do it's initiated by me and therefore it's rubbish cos i feel like it's just a massive chore for him.

After trying everything, talking about it, not talking, weekends away, sexy underwear, not mentioning it for ages, waiting for him to make the first move, rows, tears, books....I gave up!

I tried to accept that I would just have to live in a sexless or very crap and infrequent sex marriage and it would be ok cos the other 90% of our relationship is great.

However over the months and months and year or so I just became more and more resentful of him at not appearing to care how hurt I was by his constant rejections and how rubbish I felt about myself. Is a horrible feeling to think that your partner doesn't find you even slightly attractive or worth the bother of having sex with.

Last year I met a bloke at work who started flirting with me and paying me loads of compliments - I couldn't believe it! Someone thought I was sexy!! I even told my hubby that a bloke at work fancied me and he just laughed and said 'nice one, good for you' !?!
Think you probably know what's coming next...yep, temptation was too much and I was desperate for some affection and to be desired and for someone to 'want' me. I've been sleeping with this bloke every couple of months for the last year.

I'm not proud of it and it makes me very sad that I 'have' to do it but the lack of sex was seriously affecting me and my confidence and so the rest of our relationship. Since starting my 'arrangement' with the bloke at work, I feel great about myself again, I'm happy and feel sexy and me and hubby are getting on great (still not having sex though!)

However, I do think that seeing me with some confidence back and appearing a bit cocky again is making my hubby find me more attractive, I'm going to gym too and joined a slimming club - I'm hoping that eventually he'll remember what a sexy minx he married and start making the effort and until then there's the bloke at work....

Not sure what advice to give you, just wanted to share my story.

xenabelly whats the point in being married when ya getting it off someone else.you should just leave ya poor hubby before he gets hurt and finds out what your doing.disgraceful.typical woman thinking ov there own feelings and noone elses.

know where you are coming from xena.. fancy pants of another (married) man due to sexless marriage, however that's as far as it goes, unfortunately..watch this space

Mr Nice - without wishing to get into an argument...I think I mentioned in my post that I have tried EVERYTHING to improve the sex life of my marriage and address the problems. My husband knows exactly how frustrated, upset and massive this problem is but seems unable or unwilling to meet me half way and make any effort from his side.

Do you suggest that I am selfish for wanting sex but he's totally in his rights to expect me as a 30yr old woman to never have sex again (cos he's not bothered)?

When it's comes to being selfish I think that my husband is being very selfish in not considering how much his lack of interest is hurting me.

Also...while I'm ranting (lol)...I'm not going to throw away a marriage that is very happy otherwise with a man who makes me laugh, looks great, is a wonderful dad and whom I love to bits and fancy like mad...now that's stupid!

i can see where ya coming from but having an affair is all going to end in tears.why dont you go and see a sex therapist with your husband?

Mrnice: now this is exactly what I mean about the cult of monogamy screwing things up for people. Xena's found a sensible solution to her problem - and it is a sensible solution.
Her partner is not entitled to prevent her from ever having sex just because he doesn't want to have sex. It actually sounds as though he's relieved she's getting it elsewhere. A 'sexless' marriage can work very well indeed with one or both parties getting sex outside of the marriage but getting other things they need (companionship, shared child rearing, economic comfort) within it - though to be fair it works best when the partners are able to be honest with each other. Decades ago, lesbians and gay men sometimes married each other for the sake of respectiability and covered for each other (when gay relationships were stigmatized) and lived happily.

Xena, good luck to you. Hope it all works out well.

I've posted about this before under this pseudonym, but can't find the thread. . .maybe it was on "chat" and disappeared?

Marriages like this can work for some, but it doesn't work for me. After trying everything but ultimately spending much of my 20s and early 30s practically celibate, I told dh that either he'd have to let me have an affair(s) or I was leaving. He agreed to affairs.

I think there's a time when, if you're the one who's deprived of sex, you start to feel "hoodwinked." I mean, being married and not having sex is not really the agreement, is it?

I've been seeing someone now for nearly 2 years and I love him and want to be with him, but he's set in his solitary life so I don't think it will happen. Meanwhile I have a loving dh who knows about the affair and is OK with it. My kids know him too, and like him a lot.

But it's easier for me to get away with an affair: I'm in a field where practically everyone's love life is dramatic and f*cked up in some way, and people don't even really notice or care if you're having an affair except from the point of view of gossip. So our relationship is public among our colleagues which makes things a bit easier. But it's not public to my family or dh's family or any of our neighbours, or to parents in my kids' schools, or anyone really who might be judgmental or shocked.

I don't think it's an age-related thing, hampshirehog. i thing these things just vary from person to person. My boyfriend is 18 years older (mid-50s) and has a high sex drive.

I'm sorry that so many of you are in these celibate situations, and I hope you're able to reach some kind of arrangement. But to answer the OP: I suspect that if you have to ask if a sexless marriage can 'work', then it's already not working for you.

FWIW I agree with MadameZ's point that Xenabelly's dh (a) has no right to prevent her from ever having sex just because he doesn't want it and (b) is probably OK with it and doing a bit of "looking the other way." My dh did the "looking the other way" thing for a long long time, to the point that I wondered if he even know. But eventually we discussed it directly and it turns out that he knew pretty much from the beginning.

I should stress though that I think my situation, even though it works, is actually pretty sad. I live with a man I don't really love, and part of the reason I don't love him is because the physical closeness was never there and because I felt rejected for so many years. But on the other hand I love a man who isn't willing to be with me or my children completely. So I can't really "sell" my situation. But you asked how we cope with it, and that's how I cope with it.

am about 5 years on from you Hampshire hog and feel rejected, unloved and extremely unattractive....every time I see one of these threads I want to cry from sheer frustration.......

Having an affair does not solve the problem that the man you married for whatever reason does not find you attractive anymore though does it?

Apparently 10% of men have used prostitutes, does that mean that their marital problems are solved this way - I doubt it.

Men and women have sex IMHO for different reasons most of the time. For men it's a pleasurably physical thing and for women, it's an emotional thing (which hopefully is also physically pleasurable). If you are having an affair for emotional validation it's not a sex problem, it's a communication problem.

Once either of you starts playing away, the marriage is pretty much over and you are just sticking around because you took on the 'job' of being a married parent. Which makes no-one happy.

I (sadly) speak from my own experience. Short term affairs are great, long term they are the death knell of trust and also of your future together. Which in some cases is the objective .

Now I have my DD and am in my second marriage I would do anything rather than put my relationship at risk.

If you choose to go down the 'affairs' route, it's your choice but from my PoV it'd be much more efficient to file for divorce now, before the recriminations start (and they will)