Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

He doesn't know if he loves me

136 replies

TerribleTime · 22/10/2017 07:50

Just that really. I've been with my DP for over four years. It hasn't been the fairytale romance you dream about but we've both been faithful.

He has never told me he loves me in the time we've been together but has always jokingly avoided the question. I outright asked him if he loved me last night. His response: I'm not sure. Love is a very strong word and I use it sparingly.

I feel like I deserve a partner who loves me wholeheartedly and thinks I'm the best thing ever. When I told him I thought I deserved more in a relationship he told me to ask him again in a few weeks (WTF).

I have told him that I won't be asking him again in a few weeks and I'm not going to pressure him to feel something for me just because I want him to.

The thing is, now I know he doesn't love me where do I go? We have no DC together and aren't financially enmeshed. The weird thing is, I can't imagine sleeping with him again knowing he feels how he feels.

Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do? Any other advice is also welcome.

OP posts:

RefuseTheLies · 22/10/2017 07:53

Why would you stay with someone who doesn't love you?

Dozer · 22/10/2017 07:54

End the relationship.

Original poster

TerribleTime · 22/10/2017 07:54

Fair point but I love him and I suppose I keep hoping that he will come to love me.

OP posts:

Bruceishavingfish · 22/10/2017 07:56

If he doesnt love you 4 years in, why will it change?

Walkacrossthesand · 22/10/2017 07:58

For 3 years I was with a lovely man who couldn't say he loved me - it meant he didn't see a future for us together, so in the end I ended it - I didn't want to carry on investing in something without a future. Broke my heart, but I got over it. Does your DP talk about the future?

Rainbowqueeen · 22/10/2017 08:00

I would end it.

He sounds like someone who will mess with your head.

You are right you do deserve someone who will love you wholeheartedly and if he doesn't know that he does by now, it is unlikely that he will ever. Sorry . And good on you for addressing it. At least you know where you stand and you can make a decision accordingly

HerOtherHalf · 22/10/2017 08:01

Fair point but I love him and I suppose I keep hoping that he will come to love me.

So what exactly do you imagine might change for that to happen? How much more time are you prepared to risk wasting hoping for something that probably won't happen? Are you confident you can, and happy to, prevent your relationship becoming any more complicated (babies, mortgages etc) until you know if he's ever going to be completely committed to you?

Dozer · 22/10/2017 08:01

Why have you waited 4 years?!

The “ask me in a month” thing is cruel. Seems like a power game.

Badgertastic · 22/10/2017 08:05

I'm so sorry. That is a really hurtful thing to find out after 4 years. You deserve a lot more than the answer...I'm not sure. He should know that by now.
I had a previous relationship where we were very much in love in the beginning and got engaged but at some point along the way we grew apart, the love was not there anymore and neither of us worked to keep the relationship going dispite talking about what we needed to do to fix things. It was one of the hardest decisions to make to walk away from a four year relationship as we were living together happily enough just without the spark, but I realised I deserved more for myself.
I met my now DH two years after the breakup. I love him more now than I did in the beginning. He shows me his love every day and tells me too. I'm so glad I made the change to my life.
You deserve to be loved and feel that love every day.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2017 08:11

I wonder why he has been in a relationship for four years with a woman he doesn’t and has never loved. Surely he himself wants more?

Four years together and you have not entwined your lives, no marriage, no kids, no joint finances. Just end it, this is no way to live. Thinking he will come to love you is foolish, if he doesn’t after four years he never will and certainly not in thr next few weeks. That was a particularly cruel thing to say.

Is he cruel in other ways?

Original poster

TerribleTime · 22/10/2017 08:12

I know I need to end it. I no longer see him in the same light.

I'm not up for just being a convenient shag until someone better comes along.

He does mess with your head though. He keeps hinting that he does love me but then I ask him outright and he says he doesn't know but to ask him again in a few weeks. What will change in a few weeks? Nothing.

OP posts:

pog100 · 22/10/2017 08:12

More important than saying it, is showing it. Does he?

Aussiebean · 22/10/2017 08:16

What a cruel man. Playing with your emotions like that.

Focus on the fact that he is the type of man who would do that to someone. That may help you consider if you really love the real him.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2017 08:17

More important than saying it, is showing it. Does he?

This Isn’t just not saying it though is it. This is being deliberately cruel, dangling it like a carrot, I assume so he can get easily laid.

Original poster

TerribleTime · 22/10/2017 08:19

He can be quite cruel. For example, I used to go on short holidays away with a friend for a couple of days in the sun. We had done this for years since university but once I got together with DP he used to make it difficult for me to go and would withdraw from me before and after - there would always be consequences. Not physical but emotional.

But when I confront him about this he denies it and says I'm imagining things.

OP posts:

Bruceishavingfish · 22/10/2017 08:22

Thats emotional abuse.

He isnt telling you not to go. But he is acting in a way so you modify your behaviour so it suits him better.

He is doing it with with holding the i love you. He wants to keep you limbo. So you keep working harder to make him love you.

He is abusing you.

GeekyWombat · 22/10/2017 08:23

If after four years he’s not sure he loves you, what on earth is going to change his mind in the next couple of weeks?

You deserve someone who loves you and is happy to both say it and show you that’s how he feels about you.

I’d never heard of the sunken costs fallacy before I started reading MN but it really is true in this case I think.

JustGettingStarted · 22/10/2017 08:23

He likes to play games. When you dump him, he will say things to make you change your mind. He may even say that he loves you.

If you fall for it, you'll be sorry.

Ecclesiastes · 22/10/2017 08:24

I'm not up for just being a convenient shag until someone better comes along.

The time to draw that particular line in the sand was four years ago, but I guess you already know that.

He can be quite cruel

Do yourself a big favour and make today the day you tell him to fuck off.

Hellywelly10 · 22/10/2017 08:25

I'm sorry op. I had a relationship with a man that didn't love me. I don't think it was his fault, his early life experiences led him to cut off his emotions, was easier for him not to feel anything. Looking back was probably PTSD.

HerOtherHalf · 22/10/2017 08:27

he used to make it difficult for me to go and would withdraw from me before and after - there would always be consequences.

That's controlling and emotional abuse.

when I confront him about this he denies it and says I'm imagining things.

That's gaslighting, a classic abuser's tactic.

There's more going on here than just the lack of love issue, which should be a dealbreaker in itself. FFS, get away before he wears you down to the point where you believe you aren't worth any more than what he's offering. That's what will eventually happen.

Bruceishavingfish · 22/10/2017 08:28

Oh and when you do try and break it off. He will probably tell you he loves you.

To reel you back in and make you question wether you should leave him. He will love bomb you. Make you feel like the most special woman in the world. And when he has you back. He will start withdrawing affection to modify your behaviour again.

He will be lovely when you do what pleases him. And thats how he will control you. Until one day, you arent a person anymore. You just there. Just existing. You dont know who you are, what you enjoy, what you want. Its all about who he wants you to be, what he enjoys, what he wants.

Can you tell i have been where you are?

Dusktilldawn · 22/10/2017 08:28

He will panic if you end it and suddenly decide he does love you madly after all.

Original poster

TerribleTime · 22/10/2017 08:29

Hellywelly he has had a traumatic experience relationship wise in the past where a woman he'd been in love with for years left him without any explanation (or so he says).

However that's his issue not mine. I can't be expected to hang around whilst he makes up his mind. I'm in my mid 30s now and want children.

Did you leave him in the end?

OP posts:

Glamorousglitter · 22/10/2017 08:29

Not only does he not love you he seems to enjoy keeping you dangling and power play. I would worry the further you get enmeshed in the relationship the more he will chip away at your psyche he s already trying to alienate you from going on holidays with your friends.

I really think it sounds unhealthy and actually in the long run even more damaging. It sounds like you can’t see fully what he s doing or take the courage to step away.
I imagine if you do end the relationship he ll do a lot of gaslighting and put it back on you - things like of course he loves you why wouldn’t you know that etc and minimise your feelings and opinions.

I think for your own good you should call halt on the relationship. He is cruel and manipulative and playing the unkindest of mindgames -

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6