He doesn't know if he loves me

[TerribleTime]

Just that really. I've been with my DP for over four years. It hasn't been the fairytale romance you dream about but we've both been faithful.

He has never told me he loves me in the time we've been together but has always jokingly avoided the question. I outright asked him if he loved me last night. His response: I'm not sure. Love is a very strong word and I use it sparingly.

I feel like I deserve a partner who loves me wholeheartedly and thinks I'm the best thing ever. When I told him I thought I deserved more in a relationship he told me to ask him again in a few weeks (WTF).

I have told him that I won't be asking him again in a few weeks and I'm not going to pressure him to feel something for me just because I want him to.

The thing is, now I know he doesn't love me where do I go? We have no DC together and aren't financially enmeshed. The weird thing is, I can't imagine sleeping with him again knowing he feels how he feels.

Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do? Any other advice is also welcome.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better.
You will have up and down days for some time yet.
You will have wobbles.
But you WILL get through them and you will be OK in the end.

[TerribleTime]

Thanks. I feel a bit better today. Hopefully, I am on the mend. Even now I see my life is much more stress free without him.

Still no sign of my period but feel some of the usual pms symptoms so hopefully it's not too far away.

[dorislessingscat]

KOKO OP. You have done the right thing. It will get better.

[Aussiebean]

Now you know, I doubt your period will be far away.
When I was young I used to say nothing brings on a period like a negative pregnancy test.

You are doing fabulous and I am sure when you meet the one for you, he will be a distant memory

[TerribleTime]

Thanks hellsbellsmelons I feel a lot more positive now.

My week has been pretty down so far if I'm
honest. My anxiety levels are really high and I'm hardly sleeping but yes, I'm holding firm.

I hope you're ok.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I'm glad that your mind is at rest about that.
Hopefully you are holding firm and not contacting him.
How's your week been?

[TerribleTime]

Phew - I did a test. It's negative. 👍🏻

I know I want children but not in these circumstances. Onwards and upwards.

[TerribleTime]

Thanks again everyone for the support.

If AF hasn't arrived tomorrow I will get a test. I do think it's just the stress as I've got an IUD which is apparently pretty much invincible.

[luckyDuvet]

You need to get a test to out your mind at rest. I agree with others that its probably stress but best to know sooner rather than later, to give more time to make any decisions.

[Tilapia]

Here to hold your hand OP

[coolcahuna]

I've just had to walk away from someone I have been seeing for about 14 months for exactly this reason.

I love him however the most he can say back is that 'he cares deeply'. I know he will never commit and I just can't keep on. He will even say things like ' You are perfect in every way, but there is just something missing'.

Sometimes you just have to do it and walk away. You deserve better! I'm finding it incredibly hard!

[brrrfreeezy]

Yes well, I love you does usually mean you are at a stage where you can discuss marriage/kids/permanent plans. Don’t put off testing, worrying is not going to help.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It could be the stress but try not to delay too much.
You'll have decisions to make.
Get a test today and then take with your first pee in the morning.
We can all help you through it!

[qazxc]

You deserve to be with someone that loves you.

[Gah81]

to you OP. It could well be stress - when I am off the pill and regular as anything, severe emotions can really muck up my cycle.

Can you get a supportive friend to come with you to buy a pregnancy test? The earlier you do it, the more options you will have (I know you already know that, but sometimes it helps to have someone else saying it).

As for him - every individual has the right to end a relationship that isn't making them happy. He is not entitled to be in a relationship with you. The sheer fact that he has so little regard for your wishes is an extremely bad sign.

And if you are pregnant - have the baby or do not have the baby - but I would just say that don't think that he will change the better for fatherhood (they never do, just have a look at the MN boards) and get back together with him.

[TerribleTime]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to help me out.

I've had a bad week really. Ex DP has been desperately trying to get back to me. I've blocked him on everything I can but we work together so I have to see him there. I'm currently sitting in the car park not wanting to go in.

Also, my period is now three days late. I am never late. I am too scared to POAS because I don't want to know the answer. I'm hoping it is just the stress.

[user1485196412]

Leave. You deserve more than that!

[LemonShark]

"Hellywelly he has had a traumatic experience relationship wise in the past where a woman he'd been in love with for years left him without any explanation (or so he says)."

Doesn't actually matter what the reason is. What matters is whether your needs are met and you're happy and want the same things. A man who doesn't love you isn't gonna suddenly marry you and have kids with you.

Ps the bolded happened to me too. If anything it made me appreciate being in love even more, once I realised it could evaporate in a heartbeat. Terrible excuse.

[eyebrowseyebrows]

"Hellywelly he has had a traumatic experience relationship wise in the past where a woman he'd been in love with for years left him without any explanation (or so he says)."

^ This happened to me. Do you know how many people I took that out on in relationships after that?

None. Zero.

That's a bad excuse for shitty, abusive behaviour.

[Mishappening]

Honestly - they do not change. He is never going to say he loves you and if this is important to you then show him the door.

[Oysterbabe]

Well you do want marriage and kids don't you? Does he?

I've been with my partner for 4 years and we're married and expecting our second child. We met when I was 32 and I'm now 36. Like it or not, the reality is our eggs have a shelf life and you can't fuck around for years with a manchild who will very likely decide he never wants children with you.

[GeekLove]

'I don't know if I love you' = I don't love you but I am too much of a coward to tell you but if I keep you dangling I have the power 'cause I can still have sex and have someone do my shit work for me. Plus I am such a wimp the thought of being on my own terrifies me more than being in a dead relationship because I would have to sort out all my shit myself.'

[Josuk]

OP - sure - he has commitment issues. Whether general, or to you, specifically - it’s impossible to say.

But given where you are: 4 years in; mid 30s and the fact that you say it yourself that you want children - what he is saying he thought you meant is not wrong.

You need him to say - I love you, we are in it for the long term & kids. All those in close succession.
You can blame him for many things - but you must be fair on this.

And you are absolutely right to want that conversation/commitment about long term + children.
Just he may not be ready for any of that.

[ohfourfoxache]

What a cruel, nasty "man"

[TheWorldIsMyCakePop]

*He's