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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't know if he loves me

136 replies

TerribleTime · 22/10/2017 07:50

Just that really. I've been with my DP for over four years. It hasn't been the fairytale romance you dream about but we've both been faithful.

He has never told me he loves me in the time we've been together but has always jokingly avoided the question. I outright asked him if he loved me last night. His response: I'm not sure. Love is a very strong word and I use it sparingly. Confused

I feel like I deserve a partner who loves me wholeheartedly and thinks I'm the best thing ever. When I told him I thought I deserved more in a relationship he told me to ask him again in a few weeks (WTF).

I have told him that I won't be asking him again in a few weeks and I'm not going to pressure him to feel something for me just because I want him to.

The thing is, now I know he doesn't love me where do I go? We have no DC together and aren't financially enmeshed. The weird thing is, I can't imagine sleeping with him again knowing he feels how he feels.

Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do? Any other advice is also welcome.

OP posts:
SouthernFriedChickenPlease · 22/10/2017 16:49

If not I would just end it now, tonight. If he lives there I would be looking for somewhere else to live and still be ending it tonight.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/10/2017 16:52

You want kids, you want someone who loves you - so end the relationship now. Don’t waste any more time on it. It’s dead. There is nothing there for you.

Four years??!! Come on woman. Get rid, now.

FinallyHere · 22/10/2017 17:02

I keep hoping that he will come to love me.

Where do you want to be in another four years? Still enmeshed in his mind games, or .... happy?

Of course, he is delighted to be with you, you are a real catch. He knows that you wouldn't put up with this type of behaviour if you were thinking straight, so is doing his best to keep you busy trying to get his love.

Best thing you can do now? Run, now, far away.

He is not right for you. The rest of your life, without him, is going to be awesome.

RandomMess · 22/10/2017 18:49

Well he doesn’t need to sling blame around, you want different things so it needs to end for you both to move on Wink

Run for the hills before he tricks you into staying Flowers

Jigsisaw · 22/10/2017 18:54

Terribletime, I walked away from somebody April 2016 and it was different in that I already had a child so there was no tick tock issue (for me, but maybe for him) but i was surprised that even though I missed him a lot to begin with I felt better in myself, more in control, the self-efficacy of the decision fuelled my self-esteem and sense of self worth. I missed telling him things to begin with. I remember I went for a job interview shortly after I walked away (nc) and it felt so odd but within five weeks I knew I was doing things I'd postponed for a long time. Yoga, lectures in town that interested me, I went on my own! I just acted like a single person but a braver one.

Good luck starting again. I agree with pp, he will come out with some sorcery of words to mince your boundary. Decide what you want in your head. What is your boundary. What do you want? If he can't offer it, walk away.

ALittleMoreEducation · 22/10/2017 19:19

If he doesnt love you 4 years in, why will it change?

This ^.

I agree with BruceisShaving and others who have said he is emotionally abusive. Saying "ask me again in a few weeks" is utterly fucked up.

My heart breaks for you OP because I know how soul destroying it is to love some one who dangles the carrot just a tiny bit out of reach, tossing out the occassional line or the ocasional behavious that appear to be love - it will destroy your self esteem.

It's like that line from that film (is it Shawshank Redemption?) about hope can drive a person insane.

There is always enough of a hope to keep you hooked. I think you are right when you say he starts backtracking/blaming you - to keep you there.

I hope and wish and pray for you that you find the strength to leave him and move on. I wish with all my heart that it were possible that there were an extra-sensory magical way that all the emotional force from people who had been through similar who would willingly give you there wisdom, learning and new found power could beam through the internet to absorb into you and give you a magic shield

It's shit. It hurts. No good comes from loving someone who doesn't love you back.

BewareOfDragons · 22/10/2017 19:22

Run. Please. Run.

You deserve so much more.

Mintychoc1 · 22/10/2017 19:51

I had a boyfriend like this, from age 30 to 34. We got on well, it was all very pleasant and fun and easy. But he never said he loved me, and I never said it to him.

I hit mid 30s and decided I needed more. I wanted kids, and I didn't want them with someone who wasn't my soulmate. I asked him if he loved me, he came out with similar bollocks to your partner - didn't know what love was exactly, how do you define it, liked me a lot, couldn't say he loved me bla bla bla

So I ended it. It broke both our hearts at the time, but deep down we knew it was the right thing to do. Within a year we were both engaged to other people!

Don't settle for a loveless existence OP.

ThePinkOcelot · 22/10/2017 20:18

He's a proper shit isn't he?! How come he gets to go on 2 holidays next year without you? What was the rationale behind that?

Butterymuffin · 22/10/2017 20:25

He sounds like a miserable sod who's made a point of giving you as little as he can get away with. End it now. You could be having a baby with a genuinely nice bloke who will say he loves you without all this drama within the next few years, instead of wasting time on this loser.

Mrsyorkie · 22/10/2017 20:36

You deserve so much more x

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2017 13:41

I bet as soon as you walk away, he will run after you saying he's realised he loves you after all. Don't fall for it. He's shown his true colours and you deserve much more. Ditch him and find someone who actually appreciates you! Flowers

Original poster
TerribleTime · 23/10/2017 14:03

He is now trying to convince me that he thought that by saying 'I love you' he would be saying that he was ready for marriage and kids.

Apparently everyone knows that this is what 'I love you' means.

Am I completely out of touch - I love you simply means that I care a great deal about that person and not that I want immediate marriage and children doesn't it??

He is in full on panic mode. I have stopped responding.

OP posts:
Bruceishavingfish · 23/10/2017 14:07

Well i didnt see that coming!

What a shit. Lots of people fall in love with people and dont get engaged or married or have kids. Most of us have been in love and it not led to marriage and kids.

He is a complete twat and trying to rrel you back in. He will give a little and then take it away once he has control back.

Dozer · 23/10/2017 14:15

Run for the hills OP. You have wasted way too much time with him already, are mid 30s and want DC: fertility wise time may not be on your side. There is nothing wrong with wanting commitment and DC. He has never offered you that and hasn’t treated you well.

NewLove · 23/10/2017 14:20

So he doesn't want marriage and kids with you by that definition - it gets worse...

Mrsyorkie · 23/10/2017 14:27

Don't fall for it. There are so many people out there who will respect you and love you enough to tell you. "I love you" doesnt mean i want to get married and have kids. Saying "I want to get married and have kids" means I want to get married and have kids. It's not rocket science. He's playing games.

Gah81 · 23/10/2017 14:28

I have had a fair few relationships where we said I love you (and did love each other) but were in no way implying that we therefore wanted kids and marriage.

I have never come across someone who thinks the way about saying "I love you" that your DP does. He's desperately scrabbling around for excuses.

I was in a similar situation but for 11 months - hadn't realised we had never said it (long-distance relationship) but as soon as I did realise and asked (and he couldn't give me an answer), I was out: if he didn't love me by then, he never would.

Especially if you want kids, cut your losses now and find someone who loves you as much as you love them. Broke up with my ex 4 years ago, am now engaged to a wonderful man and getting married next year.

KarateKitten · 23/10/2017 14:33

My DH took 2 yrs to say it! And we were wildly attracted to each other from the moment we met. He had just never said it to anyone (he was 32) and put huge weight on it as something to say to someone. Sounds dysfunctional and made me a bit insecure at the time but he's just slow and careful about these things. He always reassured me that his intention was to have a long term relationship, marriage, kids etc. or else he wouldn't be with me at all but that he just wasn't there yet. We're now together 10 yrs, married 5, and have 4 kids. He's an excellent husband, not perfect but great in any case. He's just a bit serious about doing things the right way.

But I always knew that about him. I never had to doubt his loyalty or integrity. Have no idea if your DP is the same.

KarateKitten · 23/10/2017 14:36

OP, just saw the most recent posts but I would say that my DH equated 'I love you' with being pretty close to 'will you marry me'.

Tilapia · 23/10/2017 14:36

What an idiot. He realises he might lose you over this, but he still has to make it your fault (clearly it was your use of ill-defined terms that was the problem!) rather than apologising and admitting that he was in the wrong.

And even if you use his (bizarre) definition, to be honest after four years I would expect someone to be able to commit to marriage and children. Especially as you're in your mid-30s.

Wh1stles · 23/10/2017 14:36

So he wants you to waste more time on him.

He doesnt want marriage and kids after 4 years, time to call it a day. Poor you. Shock now but your life will be better without him.

Teddy7878 · 23/10/2017 14:39

He sounds like he has serious commitment issues and maybe doesn't think you're the person he wants to spend his life with deep down.
If my partner hadn't told me he loved me after a year together I'd find it massively telling and would end it to find someone who thinks I'm great

pallisers · 23/10/2017 14:42

End it.

I suspect he likes having the upper hand emotionally - likes that you are waiting for him to express his love.

That or he genuinely doesn't love you. In which case you deserve better.

And that thing about marriage/children is just bullshit. But even if it isn't, he is still prevaricating. He might think he loves you but he can't imagine marrying you - in his mid-30s - give it up, he isn't worth it.

RandomMess · 23/10/2017 14:46

Doesn’t matter either way, he still isn’t ready for marriage and kids so get on walking!