He doesn't know if he loves me

[TerribleTime]

Just that really. I've been with my DP for over four years. It hasn't been the fairytale romance you dream about but we've both been faithful.

He has never told me he loves me in the time we've been together but has always jokingly avoided the question. I outright asked him if he loved me last night. His response: I'm not sure. Love is a very strong word and I use it sparingly.

I feel like I deserve a partner who loves me wholeheartedly and thinks I'm the best thing ever. When I told him I thought I deserved more in a relationship he told me to ask him again in a few weeks (WTF).

I have told him that I won't be asking him again in a few weeks and I'm not going to pressure him to feel something for me just because I want him to.

The thing is, now I know he doesn't love me where do I go? We have no DC together and aren't financially enmeshed. The weird thing is, I can't imagine sleeping with him again knowing he feels how he feels.

Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do? Any other advice is also welcome.

[Bruceishavingfish]

he has had a traumatic experience relationship wise in the past where a woman he'd been in love with for years left him without any explanation (or so he says).

Or she realised he didnt love her. He was abusing her. And she left.

But it doesnt matter. As you say that not your issue. And its not upto you to fix.

[thingymaboob]

9 years ago I was with a man who I loved. Again, we had no DC together and were not financially tied to each other. One morning as he left my house I said "I love you". He stayed silent and he confessed that he didn't love me and he had only said it previously because he felt pressured into it. I was devastated and after a painful conversation, he ended it. I was heartbroken. I applied for a job in another city as couldn't face being where I was. About a month after the relationship ended I forced myself to go out to a friends bon voyage party. No make up. No intention of staying as I was so depressed. I met my dear husband at that party and he is wonderful and we are very much in love and expecting our first child together. End this relationship now. There is someone else out there for you!

[Whisky2014]

Get rid!

[Ecclesiastes]

It hasn't been the fairytale romance you dream about but we've both been faithful.

It's always been a bit shit, hasn't it OP? Seriously, give yourself the best Xmas present EVER and cut him loose.

[SusannahL]

I'm sorry op but listen to yourself. You said he can be quite cruel.

I'm sure you wouldn't want to have a friend like that, let alone a partner.

There are plenty of lovely men out there who wouldn't play mind games with you.

[Dozer]

So he is emotionally abusive. You have already made big mistakes wasting so much time with him.

You want DC. Don’t waste any more time you don’t have on an abusive loser.

[Goosegrass]

Don’t have children with someone so unkind and selfish.

[Hellywelly10]

Oh yes i did. My ex was messed up, but he did not take active steps to change his life (ie threapy). I agree you can't hang about and wait for him to change. I'm suspicious that his ex could have given him fair warning. He could have been distant with her too.

[Wellandtrulyoutnumbered]

Leave and give yourself the chance to have children with someone who is committed and loving.

[SandyY2K]

Your mid thirties and want kids .. hurry up and leave him.

[TheVicarOfNibbleswicke]

From a movie I loved as a teen. I'm no romantic but this stick with me.

[W0rriedMum]

Move on - don't waste a moment more.

Marry a man who thinks he has won the lottery - marriage is hard enough when you're both mad about each other and a short-cut to a divorce otherwise.

[donajimena]

You want children? Get the fuck out of there! Today. I'm guessing he will do a u-turn and decide he does love you when you do this but don't believe it.
I was messed around cheated on and dumped by someone who I thought was the love of my life. Broke my heart. Six months later I went on a blind date. I didn't even glam up as I didn't feel ready. He's now my fiancé.
Of course this may not happen with everyone who leaves a relationship but it sure as hell wouldn't have happened had I still been in that shitty relationship.

[SouthernFriedChickenPlease]

I had an ex who was “scorned “ by an ex who suddenly “left” with no explanation. When I look back now with hindsight I realise she probably left because he was an abusive bastard and if she hadn’t just packed up and gone he would have played lots of mind games and drama so she would feel guilty at leaving.

[TerribleTime]

He is now saying that he enjoys spending time with me but we don't see each other often enough to know whether we are compatible.

I see him almost every day! He is complaining that we haven't been on holiday together but I have tried loads of times to get him to go on holiday over the years but there's always been an excuse. Next year he has already booked two holidays without me.

[Josuk]

OP - i’ll say something different to most of the comments above.
There are people - and I am one of them - people that do find it difficult to use that word.
Difficult and nearly impossible.

I don’t know what love really is. When I read my diary from when I was a teenager/younger adult - I see myself doubting and questioning what it is I feel.
There are many reasons for that - and they don’t matter.
It changed only a bit over time - and even now - only looking back into the past, I can say - yes this must have been love.

So - if the rest of the relationship is making you unhappy, sure, there isn’t a reason to stay.
But - if he is like me, and some past trauma made him like that - he can’t answer this question.

But a question about whether he sees a future together and children - that he should be able to answer.

[Oleanderrules]

Leave him and find someone who loves you . He sounds dreadful and you deserve better . Please do not waste your life on this man

[BorisTrumpsLair]

Leave. You deserve better than this guy.

[dorislessingscat]

OMFG JUST LEAVE HIM FFS.

Sorry for shouting but he is one fucked up bloke. It’s not your job to fix him, nor can you.

[BackInTheRoom]

I was thinking it's ok to be unsure whether to say 'I love you' because to be fair, many couples say these words to each other and their relationship turns to shit anyway so it makes no difference in the long run but your DP is leading a separate life to you (holidays) so there's your answer 😕

[Alpanini]

I had this for 9 months, and the breakup was awful. Within two weeks I was lightheaded with happiness. I got off easily, his ex had had 8 years where he wouldn't say he loved her. All down to him being v insecure and, whether he knew it or not, being on a bit of a power trip. LOL at traumatic experience come on. Everyone gets their heart broken once it's a normal part of growing up. The sooner you leave him the sooner you'll realise what a great decision you made. I met my DH 4 months later and we told each other we loved each after 3 months. You know you deserve better than this -- and his power lies in convincing you you don't.

[Alpanini]

I only had to read the title of this thread to mentally say ' he doesn't'. Sorry to be blunt. He's a user.

[peanut2017]

Op this is a horrible situation you are in. If he doesn’t love you after 4 years I’m sorry to say it isn’t going to happen.

Don’t waste any more of your precious time on him over wise you will wake up in another few years asking the question - why can’t we get married and have children?

Trust me there is someone out there for you who will love you. If you stay your confidence and self esteem will only get more of a battering.

[Aussiebean]

Do you actually love THIS man? Not the one you hope he will one day become... but THIS man.

[Tilapia]

After four years of seeing each other every day he hasn’t spent enough time with you to know if he loves you?!

He’s setting you unrealistic targets to gain those words.