He doesn't know if he loves me

[TerribleTime]

Just that really. I've been with my DP for over four years. It hasn't been the fairytale romance you dream about but we've both been faithful.

He has never told me he loves me in the time we've been together but has always jokingly avoided the question. I outright asked him if he loved me last night. His response: I'm not sure. Love is a very strong word and I use it sparingly.

I feel like I deserve a partner who loves me wholeheartedly and thinks I'm the best thing ever. When I told him I thought I deserved more in a relationship he told me to ask him again in a few weeks (WTF).

I have told him that I won't be asking him again in a few weeks and I'm not going to pressure him to feel something for me just because I want him to.

The thing is, now I know he doesn't love me where do I go? We have no DC together and aren't financially enmeshed. The weird thing is, I can't imagine sleeping with him again knowing he feels how he feels.

Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do? Any other advice is also welcome.

[Tilapia]

Sorry, almost every day.

[C0untDucku1a]

He is emotionally abusive.
He is stringing you along.
He is wasting your fertile years. His are unaffected.
He is stopping you from having a holiday. His are unaffected.
His excuses are just that; meaningless and ridiculous excuses.

Leave him now.

[C0untDucku1a]

Also, OP, be prepared for some meaningless and empty promise of a grand gesture when he realises youve seen the light and he is losing control of you.

[Bonez]

This relationship most likely doesn't have a future. Especially if he carries on like this. As far as he's concerned he calls all the shots. Get out now.

[NurseButtercup]

Let me recap on what you've told us:

He's told you he doesn't love you after being together for four years.
He's stopped you from going on holiday with your friends.
He doesn't go on holiday with you and this is one of the reason's he's given for saying he doesn't love you. But he's got two holidays booked without you.
You don't have children together.
You don't have shared finance/assets.

Do you feel happy or experience any level of joy when you're in his company?

From what I can see, you're his companion to break up the monotony of his day to day routine.

Are you happy to stay around in his life in this capacity?

Oh and you'll be his carer when he gets ill.

[SleveMcDichael]

Your OP made this sound like sad situation where he liked you, but wasn't that into you, and didn't any to make the break himself (yet). Your updates make him sound like a twatsack who deliberately has you jumping for treats he keeps pulling out of reach.

Run.

[Shoxfordian]

If he doesn't love you after 4 years then he never will. He also sounds controlling and difficult to be around. Don't waste any more of your life with him

[Hermonie2016]

I bet his ex didn't leave with no explanation, it's more likely that he doesn't want to share the reasons.

He will be giving a non truth explanation about you to his next partner.

This isn't you..he has issues and I suspect he's not capable of a normal loving relationship.
You can't love him better..leave and find the happiness you deserve.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Imho, whether he loves you or not is irrelevant. From your posts, it is clearly evident that he is not a keeper even if he did bring himself to choke out the three little words.
It would be empty lip service to further placate you to keep you where he wants you.

He has shown you who he is. Believe this. You leaving may spark an apparent epiphany for him: don't believe it. That would be short term acting, superficial.

Even if he did offer marriage at any this point (doubt it), don't take that bait. Skip the divorce, never marry him. Thus speak with your feet and move on.

[RandomMess]

He’s an emotional head fuck, ditch and move on.

He probably treated his ex the same and she wised up and moved on!

Please don’t waste the rest of your thirties hoping he’ll change

[MadeForThis]

Run

[Annoyed5678]

Emotional abusers only love themselves, tell him today you don't know if this relationship is working for you ask me in a month's time,and leave him can do better than this

[Jigsisaw]

I'd tell him that the last thing you want is somebody who knows they're underwhelmed by you. That much he does know.

[Regularsizedrudy]

Oh my god. Life is too short for this kind of bullshit. Dump this loser and find someone who knows how amazing you are. It's not that he doesn't know or that "love is a strong word" the truth is he knows you are too good for him and hopes he can mess your head up enough that you feel insecure and stay with him.

[zippydoodaar]

Have been in a similar situation. Also have a friend who has been in a similar situation. It won't improve. He is hedging his bets in the hope that someone better will come along.

Get rid. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and tells you he loves you every day.

You are mid-thirties and want children. You really can't waste any more time on him. Please leave.

[NurseButtercup]

He is hedging his bets in the hope that someone better will come along.

I agree

[Glamorousglitter]

He s keeping you dangling and it s a power play - all these hoops you have to jump through before he can say if he loves you or not. Real love doesn’t come with ridiculous conditions.
It s all more mins games. Power play. And it’s all a smoke screen to show his lack of commitment to you.

Statements like you haven’t gone on holiday together when he wouldn’t go when you offered yet he was able to get himself. Poked on two separate other holidays - says a lot.

You really have to take responsibility for yourself now. Decide if you re going to put up with this manipulation callousness and word play and lack of respect and lack of love and affection in one of the principal relationships in your life. He might not love you but you can love yourself by getting out showing some self respect. If you value yourself you won’t stand for this kind of treatment.

Write out what you would like from a relationship, what kind of feeling you want to feel in a relationship, how you want to behave, what you expect long term as the relationship proceeds and see if your current relationship answers any of these. Then take bloody action if it doesn’t before it gets worse.

[Glamorousglitter]

And as pp said beware the short term epiphany when you do leave it will be short lived do not go back to him unless at least 6 months have passed

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

If he doesn't adore you, that's not good enough for you Dump him and find someone who does.

[SandyY2K]

Don't waste another of your fertile moments with him.

[Jigsisaw]

Just read that he is 'training' you not to go on holiday with yr friends by sulking.
He sounds an ass.

I predict the first 5 weeks will be tough and then you will be amazed by how quickly you begin to feel stronger.

[TerribleTime]

I'm actually quite happy to walk away. This is the latest in a long line of bullshit and twattish behaviour from him.

I do think there is an element of him trying to erode my self esteeem so that I stay with him. He is quite a bit older than me and has always found being with me an ego boost (no idea why - I am distinctly below average so this is not a stealth boast). The problem is he doesn't need to do that - I loved him for who he is (or who I thought he was).

He is now saying that to him 'love' means let's get married immediately and have children. He now agrees that on my definition he does love me.

He realises that I am serious and is trying to back peddle. However he is still trying to get me back in line by blaming me.

Not going to happen.

[Hairgician]

Run. Far away. He doesn't deserve you. You are worth more than this.

[StealthNinjaMum]

Sorry to hear this, he is such a twat. Honestly you can do so much better.

[SouthernFriedChickenPlease]

Sorry if I missed you saying it but does he live with you?