No longer attracted to my husband after he lost all his money

[upsetmner]

I’ve name changed for this but am a regular MNer. I’m prepared to get flamed for this and don’t really know what I’m asking for, maybe if anyone has been in a similar situation?

I’ve always been attracted to wealthy older men. I didn’t grow up with a dad and my mother is a complete narcissist who doesn’t know how to love or show affection. My counsellor says I’m a classic “dependant” type, I seek out a father figures and someone who can take care of me.

I’ll cut a long story short. My husband is 16 years older than me. When we first met it was happy days, lots of money, he was wealthy and owned his own company/powerful and he let me quit my job and be a lady of leisure. In my eyes he was the sexiest man on earth and I was the luckiest woman to have him!

Then after about a year things turned sour in his business and for the last 2.5 years he has been throwing good money after bad and invested in other failed business ventures along the way.

We’ve lost millions!

To get by we have sold our house, our cars, our artwork, just to keep us afloat. I stuck by him, I didn’t want to be that girl who leaves when things get tough because I do love him and for a long time I believed he was making the right decisions for his business. Plus he told me not to worry and things are JUST ABOUT to pay off. None of it has paid off. Nothing has “come good”. It’s just gone from bad to worse.

Now we are claiming housing benefit for our rented house that we are in massive arrears for, council tax reduction, and JSA. We’re now also on the waiting list for a council house as once our landlord decides to evict us for unpaid arrears we will literally be homeless as can not afford a new place to rent. I can’t work as I’m 33 weeks pregnant. It’s the end of the road and he has to get a job.

I’m just so un-attracted to him. He’s the opposite of what I wanted, or what I thought I had. I never thought I’d be on benefits thinking about how I’m going to afford a buggy or all the other things my baby will need.

I’m also bitter and angry that his ex wife got a gigantic payoff in their divorce 10 years ago when he was still minted. I’m jealous of her. My husband has still been paying her an eye watering sum of maintenance and child support for his child with her up until recently when we really could no longer afford to and ran out of options and things in our house to sell.

Someone please talk some sense in to me!

So a millionaire who's wankered all his money away should get a grant aimed at those in need? Get tay fuck

Nah they just get to pay far more tax and ni than none millionaire folk yet get told to get Tay fuck when they need to use it in the same way none millionaire folk do.

charolais I'm not. I'm serially attracted to losers.

Is this real then? Just so I know before I invest in it.

I've meant many women in the City who chased after the fund boys.

I, like many others, will be royally pissed off if you both get financial handouts off the Government after frittering away millions (as you put it!)

People get so excited about wealthy people.

The same wealthy people who pay more into the system than regular earning people.

One would think it makes far more sense to plough everything into fixing a business that was capable of making millions than one that only generated a average or below average wage.

This feels so outing for me but logically I know it’s not.

I loved my ex-H in the early days when we were struggling a bit. Not because of that, but his whole character changed drastically when he became very successful; he became an ego-tripping, snobbish twunt who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.

Just my experience.

Almost without exception every single person I know who claimed they married for just for love nothing else just love got divorced quite quickly usually very dramatically and with lots of hostility.

Usually what they meant by love was that first flush of exciting romance. Which in reality is all a load of old bollocks that you can experance with almost anybody if you choose to it rarely means anything unless you choose to make it do so.

People who are have reasons actual reasons tend to be rather more sensible about the whole thing and regardless of nobody actually wanting to admit it or say it’s acceptable lifestyle is not a bad reason nor is it unusual.

In this situation both parties were fully aware of the situation so obviously had shared goals and this op has stayed for over 2 years because she has grown to love her husband.

Because that’s what happens if you are committed to each other (obviously assuming both parties are honest and reasonably decent and kind with each other) that first flush of romance tends to build into actual real long lasting love based on mutual respect and day to day regard for each other and a shared life.

Those flaming you are ridiculous. Many people choose a life partner based on their ability to provide - at least in part. I don't see why that's so hard to understand.
OP I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I agree that one of you needs to get a job and soon. What's the reason your DH hasn't found one?
It's time to stop thinking about the past and his ex and get practical. One of you needs to work, you need to beg and borrow all you can for the baby... and hopefully the accommodation will get sorted soon.
I feel for you, I really do. I think the nasty posters are just jealous of your previous lifestyle

Fuck me, some of the personal attacks on here are vile.

He'll leave you when he finally works out that you are the jinx that made him poor.

The fact your gold digging ways have to end?

Are your diamond shoes too tight, love?

Bet he feels the same about his bloated, nagging, unemployed debt ridden so called wife too.

Escapepeas ridiculous diatribe

Disgusting.

Good luck op, can't believe some of the responses on here. Mumsnet used to be a supportive place for women suffering hard times (but you're young and pretty and have known great wealth so you apparently don't deserve it). I'd view my husband differently if he'd been as irresponsible as yours and probably lose respect. He could have ring fenced your house, many business men put it in their wife's name to keep it from creditors. It would bother me that he hadn't protected the three of you from homelessness. Hope things turn around for you soon.

The poster has admitted to having MH issues and seeking help. As much as her situation is unusual and she comes across as a bona fide gold digger she is a woman who will never ever know real happiness probably.

Basically admitting wealth on MN is not tolerated. My advice is to look back to what your counseller said and revisit their words.

I'm not sure what the crime is here since it seems you were both open about your needs and expectations. It's not in my view a great recipe for happiness though - as we can see.

Best of luck with your baby and new accommodation as it must be a difficult time.

I don't understand the line that the op shouldn't have recourse to public funds. Presumably they've paid more into the public coffers than your average Joe. Not that I think that should be the criteria anyway - it's a safety net for a reason. And does their child not deserve to be housed, clothed and fed? Sick of this 'deserving poor' crap. Businesses fail all the time. Expect more of it as Brexit bites properly.

OP, I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position. It must be so worrying for you. I've been on my arse more than once and managed to climb out of that hole. This period of time could be the making of you both - there is nothing like the birth of your first child to show you what is really important in life. Yes, it's necessary to have enough to cover the basics but love and family are priceless. You will adapt to this situation.

If you husband had a successful business he obviously must have skills or experience in a certain area. Unfortunately it is as easy to lose money as it is to make it but I should think he would be able to start again. Although as another poster said maybe his ex-wife was the brains behind his success. The input of the first wife in building wealth is often overlooked by the younger woman.

You sound very shallow. You don’t love him.
It sounds like possibly you never have?

Sockamnesty again speaks the most sense on this thread.

Some of you are fucking stupid. So because her husband used to be a millionaire he shouldn’t be entitled to any benefits ever, at all. Even though he has more than likely paid more into the pot than you ever will in your entire life? The benefits system is there originally for those who have fallen on hardship and need the hand while getting back into work, so exactly like the Op and her husband then.

Peas.* You do realise that I’ve now got Kanye West’s goldigger going round my head? 😝.* I’ll have to listen to something else now to get rid of it!
Brilliant song though ...........

I feel sorry for the OP she has been very short sighted in all of this.
She can't think beyond the sexual attraction aspect for the moment, and she can't be criticised for this I'm sure there are many of us who have "gone off" partners temporarily because of a myriad of reasons (think weight gain, depression , moodiness, lack of self esteem due to job loss) but because of a basic and lasting "love" for that person we stick with it if we can.
It must have been difficult to watch someone previously so "reliable" financially spiral out of control, who has probably had an inner belief about his infallibility of his business acumen.
He would in all reality find it difficult to "get a job", he would be a nightmare to employ, he has always been his own boss!
(I can see a scenario where he becomes a SAHD while the OP works)

Due to the recession in the early 1990's we found ourselves on our uppers and after using up our entire savings had, reluctantly, to claim benefits. We survived (as many others do) Our 4 children never went hungry or unclothed, and due to DH being prepared to do any type of work, and me doing paid evening babysitting, we rode the storm so to speak.
The OP says she is getting counselling but I strongly believe that perhaps her DH needs it too if he is to be able to move on from this.

In all of this there is a new baby , who needs very little materially to enjoy life. For the sake of the baby both the Op and her DH need to think realistically about the future.

'I thought I was poor'

You owned a property you were able to let out for extra income and a place you could live in for less than full rent or no rent at all and you thought you were poor? Dear god, you really have no idea.

Wow.....such a judgemental lot aren't we? I see no shame in admitting she finds wealth something she finds attractive. That's life. I find dark haired men in rugged outdoor clothing a turn on. I don't find blond men or long haired, muscle-bound men even remotely appealing. I cannot change who I am chemically programmed to find attractive. Just as the Op does. I don't think she is saying her only criteria is wealth but it is a driving factor for her. Add to that her natural fears we all have when expecting, her insecurities on how she will manage...I can understand her upset. She now sees her husband as a weaker man, not the man she met and fell for. If you took the money out of the equation the OP wouldn't be getting attacked the way she is.

Absolutely she us entitled to claim benefits. For all we know they money had gone on covering debts and tac bills. There is honour in that. Many wealthy people walk away and file for bankruptcy after having safeguarded their money under the wife's name. We do not know the circumstances and shouldn't be judging whether or not the money was squandered, ill-spent or badly invested. Entire banks and countries collapse and nerd public funds....why shouldn't the OP and husband not need help? They are entitled to it as much as the next man. But I can guarantee you this....that unlike a lot of benefit claimants who will stay on benefits indefinitely....I bet the OP and husband don't. I bet he will get back on his feet, hopefully with his wife and child standing beside him.

This is what happens when you marry someone for money. Once the money has gone you have nothing left. Now your stuck with a man you don’t love with no money. And your pregnant with a man you don’t love either. I understand that your childhood has lead to you finding a man older than you.. I think that’s a reaction to having no dad. I grew up without my real dad and my mum jumped straight into a relationship with my step dad ( who’s an alcoholic) and we had nothing. I grew up and im in a lot of debt because I was constantly spending and buying crap to make me happy because I didn’t have anything as a child and wanted to give my kids things I didn’t have even though I couldn’t so I understand that childhood does affect your thinking and how you perceive life and people. The one thing I can’t understand with you though is that your still staying with him in the hope that he will make more money one day and your directing your anger towards his ex wife and being jealous of her. She’s got kids to your husband and she has every right to that money when she divorced him and Maybe your jealous because she’s done a better job at managing that money than you and your husband did. At least your honest and admit you only with your husband for the money but you can’t expect much back if that’s all your prepared to give.

I’m not going to get into the morality of your relationship. That your business and life is complicated. I hope it all comes good for you.

But for baby things - have a look on Freecycle - I’ve given away a number of baby items if there and see there are lots of others who also do this.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

OP - when you are in a position to do so (ie. when you are not pregnant or caring for a tiny baby) you really need to find some meaning in your own life without relying on your DH. Even if he was still minted why would you be happy to live like a lady of leisure off his hard work when you could be finding happiness in your own achievements if you took the time to think about what you really want to do with your life? Your DH may have lost everything but he did make all of his money through his own initiative and hard work to begin with - you didn't. There is a great big world out there, you could do anything with your life, be something, do something productive and achieve something amazing off your own back. Don't waste your life latching on to rich men like a leech and doing nothing with your life. You could find your own self worth and even your own independence if you dig a little deeper.

For richer or poorer.

If you didn't mean that, then you shouldn't have got married.

Of course it's gutting to be in this position when pregnant, but your husband tried his best and sometimes shit happens. You were very lucky and fortunate in material sense: you have lost that, but you still have a husband who loves you and a healthy baby on the way. You'll have a roof over your head, you won't go hungry and if you support your DH then you can rebuild your lives together.

This is a challenge, but you'll be a better person for it

I think people have been incredibly harsh. Obviously you've made mistakes, but your position now sounds awful, at a time that should be happy. I'm afraid I don't have any advice but I do want to wish you well. I hope your husband finds a job quickly and you're able to get back on your feet. Then, in time you can work on finding yourself a job and unpicking whether you should stay with your husband or start afresh if you truly don't love him. Good luck. Things can get better.