No longer attracted to my husband after he lost all his money

[upsetmner]

I’ve name changed for this but am a regular MNer. I’m prepared to get flamed for this and don’t really know what I’m asking for, maybe if anyone has been in a similar situation?

I’ve always been attracted to wealthy older men. I didn’t grow up with a dad and my mother is a complete narcissist who doesn’t know how to love or show affection. My counsellor says I’m a classic “dependant” type, I seek out a father figures and someone who can take care of me.

I’ll cut a long story short. My husband is 16 years older than me. When we first met it was happy days, lots of money, he was wealthy and owned his own company/powerful and he let me quit my job and be a lady of leisure. In my eyes he was the sexiest man on earth and I was the luckiest woman to have him!

Then after about a year things turned sour in his business and for the last 2.5 years he has been throwing good money after bad and invested in other failed business ventures along the way.

We’ve lost millions!

To get by we have sold our house, our cars, our artwork, just to keep us afloat. I stuck by him, I didn’t want to be that girl who leaves when things get tough because I do love him and for a long time I believed he was making the right decisions for his business. Plus he told me not to worry and things are JUST ABOUT to pay off. None of it has paid off. Nothing has “come good”. It’s just gone from bad to worse.

Now we are claiming housing benefit for our rented house that we are in massive arrears for, council tax reduction, and JSA. We’re now also on the waiting list for a council house as once our landlord decides to evict us for unpaid arrears we will literally be homeless as can not afford a new place to rent. I can’t work as I’m 33 weeks pregnant. It’s the end of the road and he has to get a job.

I’m just so un-attracted to him. He’s the opposite of what I wanted, or what I thought I had. I never thought I’d be on benefits thinking about how I’m going to afford a buggy or all the other things my baby will need.

I’m also bitter and angry that his ex wife got a gigantic payoff in their divorce 10 years ago when he was still minted. I’m jealous of her. My husband has still been paying her an eye watering sum of maintenance and child support for his child with her up until recently when we really could no longer afford to and ran out of options and things in our house to sell.

Someone please talk some sense in to me!

I'm guessing the karma comment is because it's fairly likely that pretty little young OP was the OW in breaking up the first marriage to the Ex wife who had a healthy financial recompense.

Surely Quack, you've been around long enough to know no-one really likes an OW?

😂😂😂

Thing is I bet the husband knew the deal too.

I'd be leaving. It is like any other marriage a contract, she provided youth and beauty, he provided cash, hes renaged on his side of the deal.

Not everyone marries for love and not all love is unconditional. So be it.

Did not even cross my mind that Op could have been an OW. I’m just not bitchy enough for mumsnet sometimes, I think.

So, there's a flat in west London you can stay on until you're 'back on your feet ' ? So why are you talking to shelter?

I'm with you, Quack

Shower of utter gobshites on this thread.

I'm not going to flame you. Irrespective of your reasons for finding him attractive, (they are your reasons and I'm not going to judge anyone for liking blond men, or rich ones, or ones in uniform etc etc) I get why you are upset - you are expecting a baby and your world is filled with insecurity and nothing even as basic of knowing if you will have a roof over your head. That is frightening for any parent or prospective parent.

I'm not going to take the financial high ground and tell you how you should have made sure you had financial security independently of his money - most good business people are good at using the wife/partner to squirrel money away from the tax man etc. I wont take the moral high ground and tell you what you should be attracted too. However I will say this, the man you found attractive is still there, he's hit a rather large hole in the road but if he made a success the first time around, he is likely to pull himself out of this mess and get back on his feet again. You can either stand by him, help him, be a partner to him and support him, be involved with his business ventures and reap the benefits together; or you can walk away the moment you feel it is socially acceptable to do so. But if he does get back on his feet, and you start to feel that little spark ignite, you are going to regret having walked away. If he has any sense he wouldn't allow you back into his life, not as anything more than being the mother of his child.

I think most things happen for a reason OP. So if you want support; here it is.

This period in your life is all about adjusting to change, to be grateful for what you have, to learn more about the struggles other people face daily, to learn that money does not bring happiness, to learn to support another rather than rely on someone else, to re-assess your relationship ideals and to find strength in yourself.

Good Luck

good luck with your pregnancy and baby OP, I am not going to flame you. I hope things work out better for you in the future.

You say that what you loved about your DH was that he took care of you. Do you mean emotionally as well as financially? Is he still good to you emotionally? Are you supportive of him during this difficult time?

Relationships are hardest when the chips are down and this is going to test it brutally.

But it could be the making of your character if you do truly love each other. Love is priceless.

You remind me of something of which I hereby dedicate to you:

Hong Kong’s ‘King of Cantopop’, Sam Hui ‘s

N.B. ‘Cheen’ = Cantonese for ‘Money’ . . .

You can always change your values after some self reflection. People change.

Also look forwards! And also live in the present. Dwelling negatively on the past and picking over mistakes is pointless. Use what you now know to grow.

It's a sad turn out and could happen to anyone. I'm sure you are both suffering loss and clearly losses from way back affect your choices. This is a real growth opportunity for you both to now see that even if you hit rock bottom the only way is up. Perhaps you can explore the idea of unconditional love. You are seeing a Councillor perhaps Relate can help you both strengthen your relationship at a critical point so you can look forward to the arrival of your baby. Radical forgiveness might be in order and forgive yourself too while you are at it. Wishing you and your husband and baby bump love.

Well all I have to say is you stay together through good times and bad times. My husband comes from a wealthy family and works extremely hard himself. When we met he was able to show me things and take me places I never would have dreamed we'd go. We were about to start our life living together and he lost his job in banking (think 2008 crash) and suddenly I was the sole earner. I put my property up for rent, moved into his dads with him and supported him to find a new job. 3 months after finding that new job I raised the equity to fund the deposit on our new house and he raised the mortgage. He went on to be successful yet again and now we live in the house that has grown hugely in value along with the value of my flat. I thought I was poor, but it turns out that I was able to provide what it took to get us set up for the life we have now. I'm now a stay at home mum and he supports me. Perhaps you should think "what can I add to this relationship / situation"

A marriage of convenience that isn't convenient any more.

OP If he genuinely had millions and you are now facing homelessness then he must be incredibly irresponsible with money. That shouldn't happen, there should be safety nets, investments etc. I personally wouldn't find someone like that attractive, I couldn't deal with it, especially with a child, I would leave him. And fwiw I was only ever interested in men who were wealthy, and I cannot see what's wrong with that.

...

Best ever use of Kanye lyrics on a Mumsnet thread EscapePeas.

OP if you are still reading I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure you envisioned your pregnancy and everything to do with welcoming a first baby in entirely difference circumstances. It’s horrible when things don’t go as we had dreamt and there is a sense of loss you mourn.

There are worse crimes than marrying for financial security (if the partner is also happy with that deal) and then wanting to vent anonymously on the internet when ‘the dream’ collapses.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and your baby.

Re not being able to provide everything your baby needs

All a baby really needs and wants (aside from feeding and nappy changes!) is to feel loved and secure. They won't care if their baby gro is designer etc all they'll want is to know mummy is there keeping them safe. Focus on that xx

OP, was he telling the truth about his fortune from the start?

I’ve known men who pretend to be rich, they’ll have fancy cars (on lease), a nice house (rented or borrowed from a mate), and fancy holidays (off-season, paid on credit cards). Before long they’re living with their mum “while the house is being renovated”, driving an old banger “because my flash car is in the garage”, and so on.

I imagine he couldn’t have kept such a lie going for the length of time you describe; but is it possible that it was all lies? How much actual evidence of the wealth did you see, before it all disappeared?

Op, have you considered a job on as a journalist. You have a certain way with words, maybe you could become a blogger or similar.

Have you family/friends around you for support, OP?

There are no words

Can’t see a problem with this.
Plenty of men dump their wives when they get old & fat.

Hope all works out ok for you op.

Most women are attracted to successful men.