No longer attracted to my husband after he lost all his money

[upsetmner]

I’ve name changed for this but am a regular MNer. I’m prepared to get flamed for this and don’t really know what I’m asking for, maybe if anyone has been in a similar situation?

I’ve always been attracted to wealthy older men. I didn’t grow up with a dad and my mother is a complete narcissist who doesn’t know how to love or show affection. My counsellor says I’m a classic “dependant” type, I seek out a father figures and someone who can take care of me.

I’ll cut a long story short. My husband is 16 years older than me. When we first met it was happy days, lots of money, he was wealthy and owned his own company/powerful and he let me quit my job and be a lady of leisure. In my eyes he was the sexiest man on earth and I was the luckiest woman to have him!

Then after about a year things turned sour in his business and for the last 2.5 years he has been throwing good money after bad and invested in other failed business ventures along the way.

We’ve lost millions!

To get by we have sold our house, our cars, our artwork, just to keep us afloat. I stuck by him, I didn’t want to be that girl who leaves when things get tough because I do love him and for a long time I believed he was making the right decisions for his business. Plus he told me not to worry and things are JUST ABOUT to pay off. None of it has paid off. Nothing has “come good”. It’s just gone from bad to worse.

Now we are claiming housing benefit for our rented house that we are in massive arrears for, council tax reduction, and JSA. We’re now also on the waiting list for a council house as once our landlord decides to evict us for unpaid arrears we will literally be homeless as can not afford a new place to rent. I can’t work as I’m 33 weeks pregnant. It’s the end of the road and he has to get a job.

I’m just so un-attracted to him. He’s the opposite of what I wanted, or what I thought I had. I never thought I’d be on benefits thinking about how I’m going to afford a buggy or all the other things my baby will need.

I’m also bitter and angry that his ex wife got a gigantic payoff in their divorce 10 years ago when he was still minted. I’m jealous of her. My husband has still been paying her an eye watering sum of maintenance and child support for his child with her up until recently when we really could no longer afford to and ran out of options and things in our house to sell.

Someone please talk some sense in to me!

I'm not going to flame you. I understand the desire for a father figure subconsciously. But this is why you should not depend on a man, no matter how rich or stable they appear to be. Anything can happen, the only person you can depend on is yourself. He could have turned incredibly abusive, it's a dangerous situation to put yourself in. In the end I had to admit to myself that the needing a daddy days are over, I'm an adult now, and I need to be there for myself and my kids. Mourn your loss of a stable father and don't let it blind you again.
If he's being lazy/stupid/irresponsible I understand the loss of attraction, I just posted a thread myself along those lines. You're also stressed and pregnant. But do you love him OP? Or the stability he represented?

Well don’t you sound charming

@NotTheDuchessOfCambridge thank you for at least seeing I was trying to be open and honest. I can’t be honest with the women in my social and friendship group so I turned to MN. Our marriage has worked because he took care of me and he had a young pretty wife to show off. We’re both open about this with each other. I don’t want to leave him, I’m just not sexually attracted to him at the moment.

Loving the "our artwork" etc. Our?
No, not really.

Perhaps this will be the making of you, as you learn not to be so shallow.

So in reality you never really loved him just his money.
I'm sorry this is happening to you BOTH whilst your pregnant but in reality it's time to grow up take responsibility for your choices...stop blaming your parents.
Make a plan face the situation together...go to charity shops for baby stuff or get it as presents or borrow from friends hand me down.

Through divorce from someone I really loved I had to suddenly stand on my own 2 feet and looking back it was the making of me. Stop winging get on with life with or without husband. Either leave now or give it a year or 2 you nay want the baby to have a father.

Ex wife that's history...look forward

OP you'll get flamed on here so if you're looking for support not the best place

Assuming this is all true (I'm not sure) it's obvious you've got a lot of "issues" from your childhood. All I'll say is you need to help him find a job asap. Rewrite his CV, send it everywhere. He shouldn't find it too hard to find a job if he's owned a business.

Thank you @Dustbunny1900 ! Funnily enough that’s what my mother told me after I confided in her about DH, she said it’s time to stop living in my fantasy land and join the real world but I miss the stability the represented. I do love him! I could have left a long time ago but I stuck by him, it’s just hard to see him fall from grace. It’s been tough on his ego and it makes me sad to see him sad. But it’s just all a bit unattractive and I want to stick my head back in the sand and wake up and it all be ok.

I believe you, no really, exactly the same thing happened to several of my friends. Does he have good life insurance, maybe there could be a 'tragic accident'. It certainly worked for my friends!

She's hardly the first woman to be attracted to a man because of his money. He hasn't got any now and so it's natural the attraction would die out. I think that's pretty easy to understand. You can call it shallow but economics almost always plays a part in who we choose to partner and have children with.

Unfortunately you are pregnant so not in a great position to leave him and find someone else. It's shit but you are going to have to try and make the best of it in the short term and think seriously about how you can support yourself and your child in the long term so that you won't feel the need to rely on anyone else.

As kevin bridges said... did ye aye?

You need to be very clear what your housing options will be if you make yourselves what's known as 'intentionally homeless' through rent arrears.

In seven weeks you'll have a baby.

Your attraction to your husband because you had to sell the artwork seems microcosmically small compared to this priority, tbh.

I think some of these posts are very cruel if the OP is genuine.

I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. You have lost your home and are now wondering how you will cope with a baby on the way.

The posters who are telling you to get a job are ignoring your situation: about to have a baby!

I do think you are focusing on the wrong things. The jealousy of his ex wife for example. But after losing such a desirable lifestyle, I can see that comparisons are tempting and would hurt.

To get through this you are going to need to develop some independence: you will probably need to get out and work too now (once you can). And focus on the positive: you are about to have a baby. The most precious thing that no money can buy. And yes, it's not how you pictured things, but joyful nonetheless.

I haven't mentioned your relationship because most of this is about you having a look at yourself and re evaluating what's important.

All the best OP. Good luck

I’ve always been attracted to wealthy older men.

I stopped reading at that part.

2 and a half years of 'throwing good money after bad' and you decide to get pregnant 7 months ago?

It is, as you put it, "a bit unattractive". Being a gold digger or a troll does make you ugly.

Oh dear.

You've got 7 weeks to go before you give be birth and your worrying about your sex life?.

Very odd.

Seems a really bad decision to have sold the house etc and now rent when, presumably, there was enough money to buy a small house or flat which would be way cheaper in the long run unless you get lucky with a council house. I feel l a bit sorry for you as you have been honest about finding rich old men attractive but that is the way the cookie has crumbled and you should at least try to be a supportive wife if your husband has done nothing wrong other than go broke.

So what exactly do you contribute to the relationship? You may be pregnant but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something you can do. You’re not incapable. Many women work until the end of their pregnancy. You’ve set your self up for failure. Depending entirely on someone else and having nothing to fall back on.

Thank you @WineGummyBear and @NatMatCat You’re right that I should be delighted at this new life I’m bringing in to the world but I feel like we have failed our baby already because we can’t provide all the things we want to.

@LineysRun yes we spoke to our local housing authority who say once we receive an eviction notice we are entitled to emergency accommodation. Hopefully my husband will get a job before then and we can start paying down our rent arrears as well as rent somewhere cheaper. We’re currently stuck in our lease with no break clause which makes things tricky. We are about to receive our first housing benefit payment next week or week after (if our application is approved!) which will also help.

Erm...get a job maybe?

At eight months pregnant? Good luck with that

Except this one isn't even any good