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No longer attracted to my husband after he lost all his money

291 replies

upsetmner · 17/10/2017 20:01

I’ve name changed for this but am a regular MNer. I’m prepared to get flamed for this and don’t really know what I’m asking for, maybe if anyone has been in a similar situation?

I’ve always been attracted to wealthy older men. I didn’t grow up with a dad and my mother is a complete narcissist who doesn’t know how to love or show affection. My counsellor says I’m a classic “dependant” type, I seek out a father figures and someone who can take care of me.

I’ll cut a long story short. My husband is 16 years older than me. When we first met it was happy days, lots of money, he was wealthy and owned his own company/powerful and he let me quit my job and be a lady of leisure. In my eyes he was the sexiest man on earth and I was the luckiest woman to have him!

Then after about a year things turned sour in his business and for the last 2.5 years he has been throwing good money after bad and invested in other failed business ventures along the way.

We’ve lost millions!

To get by we have sold our house, our cars, our artwork, just to keep us afloat. I stuck by him, I didn’t want to be that girl who leaves when things get tough because I do love him and for a long time I believed he was making the right decisions for his business. Plus he told me not to worry and things are JUST ABOUT to pay off. None of it has paid off. Nothing has “come good”. It’s just gone from bad to worse.

Now we are claiming housing benefit for our rented house that we are in massive arrears for, council tax reduction, and JSA. We’re now also on the waiting list for a council house as once our landlord decides to evict us for unpaid arrears we will literally be homeless as can not afford a new place to rent. I can’t work as I’m 33 weeks pregnant. It’s the end of the road and he has to get a job.

I’m just so un-attracted to him. He’s the opposite of what I wanted, or what I thought I had. I never thought I’d be on benefits thinking about how I’m going to afford a buggy or all the other things my baby will need.

I’m also bitter and angry that his ex wife got a gigantic payoff in their divorce 10 years ago when he was still minted. I’m jealous of her. My husband has still been paying her an eye watering sum of maintenance and child support for his child with her up until recently when we really could no longer afford to and ran out of options and things in our house to sell.

Someone please talk some sense in to me!

OP posts:
upsetmner · 20/10/2017 18:48

Thank you for the kinder replies on here. I think I’ve calmed down and seen sense re: DH. I do love him, it’s just incredibly hard at the moment with all the insecurity surrounding us and the arrival of our baby.

Just wanted to say a massive thank you to the posters who suggested the sure start maternity grant and healthy start vouchers. They will be an absolute life saver for us! If it hadn’t been for MN I wouldn’t have known about them. Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 20/10/2017 18:54

No worries upsetmner hope things get easier for you and that baby arrives safely and healthy. They are so beautiful and perfect when just born and really don’t want for much, just plenty of snuggles. Healthystart vouchers were a lifesaver for us as well, it meant I had some milk and veg and fruit no matter how skint we were.

Be3Al2Si6O18 · 20/10/2017 23:55

Never rely on anyone else.

wonderingstar01 · 20/10/2017 23:57

I feel for you OP. Your DHs sales pitch included the fact he could offer you a particular lifestyle and take care of you and there's nothing wrong with that if it works for both of you. For whatever reason it went wrong for him but you stuck by him regardless of the situation. Now what you need to do is support him to get a job and start again from the bottom up.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/10/2017 00:31

Your post is a pain to read because of the complete lack of commas

Meh sorry for that Bertram I only use commas when I’m in my office because I have a helpful lady who bungs them in for me
At home I can not be arsed to faff about with the speak and type thingy.
If it’s that traumatising feel free to imagine them.

You could even have a nice lay down after

sashimiyummies · 21/10/2017 19:45

Lol Badlad!

BlankSpace1 · 21/10/2017 19:56

Sorry people were so mean to you, my problems are different but I come here a lot to say everything that I want to say but feel like I can’t!
I would be angry if you watched it all fritter away too, but I hope things get better for you.
I hope you all manage to keep together and have a good life, I suppose the only way is up?
Love to all xxx

teaortequila23 · 21/10/2017 20:14

Tbh I can’t even be bothered to mention your marriage and the issues around it all I want to say is.
Kids are not expensive if your smart!
Buy second hand everything!
Get yourself a nice durable second hand buggy.
People sell bulk kids clothing bundles.
Good luck

BarbarianMum · 21/10/2017 21:18

Maybe if you stick by him when he's skint, he'll stick by you when you lose your figure and your looks? (Probably as well to get a job just in case though).

ItsInTheDogsMouth · 21/10/2017 21:43

Flowers for you. What you are going through sounds very hard. Good luck with your pregnancy and birth. I hope things pick up for you soon.

Bubblebubblepop · 21/10/2017 21:47

I get it OP. This was me 10
Years ago. It turned out ok. No man of perfect Smile

everydayanewday · 21/10/2017 21:54

There are local charities too that your HV can hopefully point you in the direction of. Charities that provide second hand baby equipment free of charge.

I was in a tricky situation around the time my twins were born and my HV contacted them about me and offered me lots of bits and bobs (a cot was a biggie for a while) and even when they were a bit older and I was struggling to cope with them both trying to sit up at the same time she turned up one day with a playnest.

If you look after it you can donate it back - which is what I did.

Loz90333 · 21/10/2017 21:58

This reply has been deleted

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Whisky2014 · 21/10/2017 22:14

OP this must be so stressful and such a shock to the system. Can your family help or his family? Parents or siblings etc?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/10/2017 22:20

Loz90333 she did, then her husband offered her the chance to quite work and he will provide and she took it. We all make different choices and hers isn’t wrong. Also, not sure how she can get a job while heavily pregnant. Maybe think a little before posting.

dazedandconfused2016 · 22/10/2017 11:26

I don't see what's wrong with a woman finding wealthy men attractive. I know of several older rich man/young pretty woman scenarios. It's a tradition that goes back centuries.

It's no different to men pursuing and marrying women for their looks. Some of whom trade those women in for a younger, shinier model 20 years or so down the line when their wife has lost her looks.

I have always worked long hours (nature of the industry I'm in) but have spent years with a poor man "because I loved him" and it's tremendously stressful. I absolutely would not do it again.

My sister always went for wealthy men and I used to think she was mercenary. Now I just think she's sensible.

AngelsSins · 22/10/2017 18:25

I struggle to feel sympathy for either of you in this situation, you both married for extremely shallow reasons. You really need to learn that you can't rely on ANYONE, more than you can rely on yourself. Things may work out with him, but what's to say he won't want a younger model in 10 years time? You'd be left with very little, how would you cope? You need to support yourself and not rely on some old rich guy to carry you through life. You desire security, but you'll never have true security if you're relying on the "kindness" of someone else to provide it.

Ethylred · 23/10/2017 22:05

Fucking hell, if the OP were on here moaning about being fat she'd get all the sympathy in the world despite her unfortunate choices in food. But in Mumsnetland any weakness concerning money gets the vultures diving in.

Just maybe the qualities that led her husband to make money are qualities that she genuinely found attractive. Right now he's spending too much time feeling sorry for himself, which is unattractive in any adult.

Winebottle · 19/10/2018 10:03

You backed the wrong horse and that is bad luck.

I don't think you can really differentiate between a cynical gold digger and genuine attraction. Sexual attraction comes from the same brain.

Everyone has characteristics that they are attracted to in a partner. That comes from somewhere. I don't see why it matters whether it is a conscious thought or an unconscious one.

I think people who say vague things like "I'm attracted to him because of who he is" either don't understand their own feelings or don't want to reveal them.

Newerversion · 19/10/2018 10:20

Sadly, this is now your life. You need to grab it by the horns and ride it the fuck out of dodge. Follow advice here about grants etc, help your dog search for a job, search for one yourself, have your baby and be thrifty.
Your husbands ex is a red herring, she is entitled to what she has. Had she stayed with him then she would be in your situation.

I totally get how bloody hard this change of lifestyle must be (opposite of rags to riches) but, if you love your doh and he loves you then that is pretty lucky still.

Newerversion · 19/10/2018 10:22

Clearly your dog can’t search for a job- autocorrect for dh! Although, if you have a talented pet...

DontCallMeDaisy · 19/10/2018 10:22

Grrrrrr read this thread, get to the end...11 pages!!..front and back...!!...and its a freaking

+++++++++++ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!!++++++++++++++++++

Why do that???

Newerversion · 19/10/2018 10:23

FFS - bloody zombie thread .

bowdownbeforelokitty · 19/10/2018 14:31

Well it was a trade-off wasn't it. You got a rich sugar daddy and he got a younger model. I suspect you'll be looking around for your another rich pay check once your post baby bod.

I'm not judging either of you. While it was working and you both got what you wanted it was fine, but I suspect that he expects you stick around and tough it out and I just don't think you will.

bowdownbeforelokitty · 19/10/2018 14:32

Bloody frickin hell!!!!!!!!!!

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