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Original poster

No longer attracted to my husband after he lost all his money

291 replies

upsetmner · 17/10/2017 20:01

I’ve name changed for this but am a regular MNer. I’m prepared to get flamed for this and don’t really know what I’m asking for, maybe if anyone has been in a similar situation?

I’ve always been attracted to wealthy older men. I didn’t grow up with a dad and my mother is a complete narcissist who doesn’t know how to love or show affection. My counsellor says I’m a classic “dependant” type, I seek out a father figures and someone who can take care of me.

I’ll cut a long story short. My husband is 16 years older than me. When we first met it was happy days, lots of money, he was wealthy and owned his own company/powerful and he let me quit my job and be a lady of leisure. In my eyes he was the sexiest man on earth and I was the luckiest woman to have him!

Then after about a year things turned sour in his business and for the last 2.5 years he has been throwing good money after bad and invested in other failed business ventures along the way.

We’ve lost millions!

To get by we have sold our house, our cars, our artwork, just to keep us afloat. I stuck by him, I didn’t want to be that girl who leaves when things get tough because I do love him and for a long time I believed he was making the right decisions for his business. Plus he told me not to worry and things are JUST ABOUT to pay off. None of it has paid off. Nothing has “come good”. It’s just gone from bad to worse.

Now we are claiming housing benefit for our rented house that we are in massive arrears for, council tax reduction, and JSA. We’re now also on the waiting list for a council house as once our landlord decides to evict us for unpaid arrears we will literally be homeless as can not afford a new place to rent. I can’t work as I’m 33 weeks pregnant. It’s the end of the road and he has to get a job.

I’m just so un-attracted to him. He’s the opposite of what I wanted, or what I thought I had. I never thought I’d be on benefits thinking about how I’m going to afford a buggy or all the other things my baby will need.

I’m also bitter and angry that his ex wife got a gigantic payoff in their divorce 10 years ago when he was still minted. I’m jealous of her. My husband has still been paying her an eye watering sum of maintenance and child support for his child with her up until recently when we really could no longer afford to and ran out of options and things in our house to sell.

Someone please talk some sense in to me!

OP posts:
CrackedEgg · 18/10/2017 13:25

Lord....people keeps saying she doesn't love her husband. She does state she dies love him....she was attracted to him because he could after her...because his age and wealth gave her security and peace of mind.....but she stuck with him as everything slipped away because she loves him.

WitchesHatRim · 18/10/2017 13:27

but she stuck with him as everything slipped away because she loves him.

Not quite what she said though. She actually said

Can’t remember who said that DH has made money in the past so he can make it again. I absolutely believe this and it’s probably the reason I’m still with him because I know he’s capable of making lots of money again, doesn’t make life any less difficult right now though.

Lostin3dspace · 18/10/2017 14:55

Actually, I get what the op is trying to say here. It isn’t the actual money that makes him attractive, it is his ability to make it - the general intelligence that you need, the business acumen, the negotiation skills, the work ethic, etc. These are all the things that go towards making someone attractive - they’re part of the whole package, along with the non material things you also love. Just as someone who drinks their money, gambles it away or is generally a work shy arse is emphatically NOT attractive.
Op you’ve not mentioned self inflicted things that could have caused this like addictions, surely the man you love is still there somewhere, still capable and he will be back.

StrangeAndUnusual · 18/10/2017 15:15

Try thinking of yourself as a Jackie Collins heroine rather than a Barbara Cartland one, and this disastrous event may be the start of you as a self-made woman of power in your own right!

CrackedEgg · 18/10/2017 15:17

WitchesHatRim.....

The OP also said this...

"To get by we have sold our house, our cars, our artwork, just to keep us afloat. I stuck by him, I didn’t want to be that girl who leaves when things get tough because I do love him and for a long time I believed he was making the right decisions for his business"

PerfectPenquins · 18/10/2017 15:33

Your lazy, selfish and a user being open about that dosnt make it any better.

Please do leave him he deserves better than you, I hope he then re builds his life and moves on with someone equally hardworking and genuine whilst you seethe with jealousy watching his bank balance grow whilst you can’t touch it

Autumnskiesarelovely · 18/10/2017 15:37

What if you lost your youth and looks? They don’t last unfortunately.

dragonwarrior · 18/10/2017 16:02

Oh man I hate it when my millionaire husband throws money around recklessly and we end up on benefits!

Dustbunny1900 · 18/10/2017 16:05

The husband is not some poor naive vulnerable victim she conned. She said they both were open about everything. And she also said she loved him, a real gold digger would have jumped ship and taken half just as soon as she saw things going downhill, not stuck around and gotten pregnant
People are complicated, relationships aren't two dimensional

Op I think this will be a good growing/bonding experience for both of you. As a couple and individually. If you can dig yourselves out together , you'll be that much stronger

itshappening · 18/10/2017 18:13

I find dark haired men in rugged outdoor clothing a turn on.

Well...now you mention it ....Grin

Agree the husband is not some innocent victim and was not conned. He knew what he was doing and he used his wealth to get the woman he wanted, he then clearly made some huge mistakes and was very foolish because you don't go from being that wealthy to in their current position if you have been careful.

BishBoshBashBop · 18/10/2017 18:18

OP as others have said what is you DH doing to support his other DC? Is he regularly seeing them?

HotNatured · 18/10/2017 18:25

Well maybe your DH will think twice next time he marries someone far younger than him. Silly deluded man probably thought you were marrying him for love. Funny that you don't often see poor older men with much younger, gold digger wives, isn't it.

cantfindagoodname · 18/10/2017 19:04

Sorry to hear your woes, OP. I am self-employed and lonely, am very well off and own my own IT business (clearing dirt from computer keyboards), but Companies House threatened to a winding up order as I don't have a Director for my accounts. Dinner? Grin

BertramTheWalrus · 18/10/2017 19:19

needasockamnesty Your post is a pain to read because of the complete lack of commas.

SilverySurfer · 18/10/2017 19:36

You could have learned some pretty important life lessons from being in your present situation OP but you appear to have chosen to learn none of them. Good luck with your DH becoming rich again but by that time I guess he will likely have moved on to a younger gold digger.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 18/10/2017 23:29

Are people thick and unable to actually read? The Ops husband knew what relationship he was getting into, he isn’t some poor deluded man like you are making out and the Op has already said she does love him. Do you think someone purely out for money would stick by for this long and become pregnant whilst her husband is broke and she has lost everything he provided. I mean come on, I don’t think that would happen.

Tortycat · 18/10/2017 23:57

I feel for you op. There's no doubt that status, money and authority are attractive to many women, otherwise there wouldnt be so many couples where a rich older man marries an attractive younger woman. I can see that if those things disappear, so does a lot of the attraction. Your dh sounds as though he bought into the deal. It must be really hard for you both to have such a change in circumstances, esp with a baby on the way. No particular advice but some sympathy.

WitchesHatRim · 19/10/2017 00:01

Are people thick and unable to actually read?

Hmm
ShellyBoobs · 19/10/2017 00:10

Are people thick and unable to actually read?

Having read some of your posts I think I might know the answer to this one.

LesisMiserable · 19/10/2017 09:57

I think you've been very honest. When I met my millionaire exh I wasnt attracted to his money it was his power I guess. But ironically it was the money that turned me off him and I divorced him and took none of it. A champagne lifestyle is a huge aphrodisiac and when I was moving in those circles it was blatantly clear that it was attractive to women, its nature in some way isn't. The peacock with the best tail feathers gets the girl.

Telstar99 · 20/10/2017 01:01

@NeedsASockAmnesty

The same wealthy people who pay more into the system than regular earning people.

Nah they just get to pay far more tax and ni than none millionaire folk yet get told to get Tay fuck when they need to use it in the same way none millionaire folk do.

Ha ha . Bollocks. Grin

You are deluded if you think that people who earn MILLIONS pay shit loads of taxes. On the contrary, many of them use every every trick in the book to avoid paying it. Whilst stamping on the heads of people at the bottom of the ladder who earn a tenth of what they earn, but somehow pay more taxes!

I will say it again, the OP is merely getting what she deserves.

BadLad · 20/10/2017 01:35

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elliemillie · 20/10/2017 07:56

People are so mean!

My dad made millions and wanted my mum to be a stay at home mum so she quit her job.
He made some really bad decisions and lost all of the money and made us destitute. Our house was used as a collateral for a huge loan. We became the laughing stock in boarding school. My mum's parents had to step in and give us a house and pay our fees too.
My dad didn't make any more money till he died. He became ill for a long time instead (18 years)
My mum had to step up and become the main earner. It was really hard for her because my dad did think, being am employee was below him so made no effort to find a job. And yes my mum stopped being attracted to my dad. It's hard to be attracted to a man who has jeopardised your security by making terrible decisions. Women are generally not attracted to unemployed men. I have read several posts on here to that effect.

He doesn't sound like he will make any more money. A bit like my dad. So if you are staying in the hope he will, you will keep getting disappointed. As he is older he is more likely to die or get ill and be an extra burden on you.

Be brave. Take your life in your hands and get a job after the baby arrives. Use the time you have now to plan how you will want your life to be and take little steps to make it happen. You may become a millionaire in your own right. Flowers

QuackPorridgeBacon · 20/10/2017 10:37

Laughing at a pregnant woman who has gone from security to nothing is ok is it? Wow, I am genuinely shocked that a site that accepts and encourages to not find a man attractive for any reason including shoes can be this horrible because the attraction happens to be his money or rather that he had the power to earn so much. Try not to be hypocrites now and go an berate women for finding men unattractive for the simplest of things.

ChuckleVisionChuckleChuckleVis · 20/10/2017 11:37

Blimey! There are some nasty posts on here!

Upsetmner there are mass of things going on here.

I think you are being harsh on yourself when you say you are not longer attracted to him because of the money. If you were attracted to older wealthy men, it was probably also mixed up with how he seemed to you and older successful & wealthy men are often more confident and go-getting which is sexy. If h'es fallen on hard times, I would think he's probably feeling down on himself and the confidence that attracted you is damaged. There is nothing wrong with wanting financial security in a marriage for your children - many people factor this in to a marriage decision.

You are pregnant and that may have vulnerability and hormonal changes with it meaning you are feeling very different to how you would if you were your normal more robust self.

The main question is - forget about the money and sexual attraction for a moment - do you still like him as a person? do you care about him If he's someone you basically like and care for even if the attraction is not present, then there is hope for the future. If not then maybe you need to look at cutting your losses. You do need to think about your child's future.

If what you describe is true - it is one thing to have a run of bad luck and move from millions to a less comfortable lifestyle it is quite another to move from millions to a council house and benefits; that suggests major finanical failings and bad decisions and all kinds of other trouble that you could be better well away from.