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Original poster

My friend shocked me the way she rejected this guy

310 replies

Lifeisntbad · 15/10/2017 09:41

Have Ncd and changed some details but this is basically it. A small group of us are on a weekend away. After a few perfectly respectful approaches from men all of whom took the hint and departed when the conversation dried up, my friend who has admittedly had a somewhat difficult time from men in the past but nothing out of the ordinary really genuinely shocked me. We had had a few drinks but weren't drunk.

I'm not sure he was even trying his luck, seemed to be in the hotel for work reasons and just started chatting. After a while my frIend turned to him and said "you're not exactly attractive and you have zero chance with any of us so save yourself the embarrassment and just leave us alone." My other friend and I were stunned and the guy just looked utterly crushed and went away without saying another word. The thing is he was actually fairly attractive and quite a good conversationalist.
Even if he wasn't that's hardly justification. I don't know what to say if we run into him today. I'm really shocked at what my friend said and us 2 others went silently to bed after. I'll speak to her about it today but I've never seen this side to her before. I really felt so sorry for him he looked so upset and shocked.

OP posts:

stitchglitched · 15/10/2017 12:39

Lovedlost in what way is OP's friend like yours? She didn't get him to buy her drinks or string him along in any way. She just sent him away with a flea in his ear after having already tolerated several unwanted intrusions by other men.

witchofzog · 15/10/2017 12:39

As others have said your friend was within her rights not to want to talk, but she was nasty and cruel the way she said it.

I remember a thread on here a while ago where a poster was saying she wanted to go out to a pub or club but had no-one to go with and should she go alone. Yes! Said the majority of replies. She should go and strike up conversations with people if she felt able. Now imagine if this poster who was female had received the same response?

This sort of comment may be throwaway to your friend and a knee jerk reaction to being well and truly sick of being approached, but it is also the sort of comment that can cause long lasting mental health and self esteem issues. She could have asked him to go away firmly without being personal and she should be ashamed of herself (though I bet she isnt)

bumblingbovine49 · 15/10/2017 12:40

There is a solution no need whatsoever to start out with such a personal attack, whatever the situation. You don't need overly polite but a direct, "we are here to spend time with each other and would rather you left"is enough. You can move to personal insults after that if he doesn't go then.

I am always astonished how many women refuse to ask men out in case they are rejected. Yet men are supposed to always make the first move and just suck up any personal insult with no problem. Of course many many men do much worse to women , I know that but treating an individual like shit (male or female) who had given no reason for you to do that by their actions is crap no matter how you look at it

Winebottle · 15/10/2017 12:40

That was brutal.

It's fair enough to get pissed off at constant approaches by men, but if that was, the case telling him to fuck off would suffice. He would see that the attention was unwanted and leave.

It was harsh to go for an all out personal attack when he hadn't really done anything wrong.

TheStoic · 15/10/2017 12:41

Brasty I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that women like Curry think if it’s not a clear (and very polite) No, then it’s a Yes.

Kind of like sex.

brasty · 15/10/2017 12:42

If you want to strike up a conversation in a pub, stand at the bar and chat to people. Anyone interested will stay and chat. Those who aren't will get their drink and go. FFS why is it only women who are expected to have social skills, and men can do whatever they want? And no don't pretend women do the same.

MuseumOfCurry · 15/10/2017 12:42

MuseumofCurry If someone is sitting reading a book, do you think it is okay to go and talk to them? If a group of woman are having lunch together, do you think it is okay to approach them? If a group of woman are sitting in a pub, do you think it is okay to just go up and sit down and start talking to them?

Crucially, the man in question did none of these things.

brasty · 15/10/2017 12:43

TheStoic Yes probably.

MuseumOfCurry · 15/10/2017 12:43

Brasty I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that women like Curry think if it’s not a clear (and very polite) No, then it’s a Yes.

Kind of like sex.

Yes, I'm a rape apologist.

brasty · 15/10/2017 12:45

MuseumofCurry The other men took the hint and fucked off. This man didn't.
Personally I don't believe the conversation happened as the OP describes. But I have commented because it is very common for some men to think all a group of women are waiting for, is a man to join them and dominate the conversation.
And the phrase "a good conversationalist" probably means in reality he was a dominating fuckhead.

TessoftheDoobieBrothers · 15/10/2017 12:46

It's so weird when women get out of their way to defend a man's right to intrude on the time and space of another woman.

Wot The Fuck? People are allowed to at talk to one another. They are also allowed to stop talking to one another if they so choose; Some even want to talk. Some people don't. Some people want to make it clear that they are unavailable, and that's completely up to them. Even so, there are ways of talking to reasonable people reasonably.

This thread is so fucked up i don't even know where to start telling you what's wrong with it .

brasty · 15/10/2017 12:50

Women defend men's shitty behavior all the time. I remember the comments on here defending Jimmy Salville, until of course the evidence became overwhelming.
Some women will always find an excuse for how some men behave. And blame the woman for it.

Landed · 15/10/2017 12:51

What TessoftheD.....brothers said!

brasty · 15/10/2017 12:56

Maybe we should have an MN day where we all randomly approach groups of men and start chatting to them, making sure of course to dominate the conversation. And then post here about the reactions we get.
I expect the apologists on this thread to defend us against any negative reactions we get (of which there will be many), and say we were only being friendly.

MuseumOfCurry · 15/10/2017 12:58

MuseumofCurry The other men took the hint and fucked off. This man didn't.

They were not together. This happened after the others drifted off. For all we know, OP and her friend may have been standing at the bar and he may have been doing exactly what you said was OK:

If you want to strike up a conversation in a pub, stand at the bar and chat to people.

Why are you bringing Jimmy Saville into this?

itsbetterthanabox · 15/10/2017 12:59

Why was he talking to you? He doesn't know you. Interrupting a conversation so he can try it on.
I have no patience for this either. Some Men need to learn not to intrude on women's day to day lives attempting to get sex.

IrritatedUser1960 · 15/10/2017 13:01

i have been in the same position where I have just lost it after being bothered all evening when all I wanted was a quiet drink.

brasty · 15/10/2017 13:03

MuseumofCurry Are you a man or a woman?

Graphista · 15/10/2017 13:03

Op I think you were a shit friend. You didn't check on her if she was ok, if he said something completely out of line in a low voice, touched her in a way that was inappropriate and clearly unwelcome that you didn't see...

Actually even BEFORE that point if you were a good friend you would have sensed she was getting pissed off with getting approached and looked out for her!

You prioritised an entitled arse of a man over a supposed friend!!

I have a brother and a ton of lovely male friends but yea in honest conversations they don't approach women in bars etc to make 'friends' they're hoping for at least a snog or future date.

brasty · 15/10/2017 13:05

Agree that OP is a shit friend.

TheStoic · 15/10/2017 13:06

But the OP is a friend to all men, and that’s really all that matters.

brasty · 15/10/2017 13:07

Oh yes, mustn't hurt the poor menz feelings.

AbsentmindedWoman · 15/10/2017 13:09

I have to say it would throw me if a friend did this - male or female. A simple 'fuck off' wouldn't shock me as much. But a personal barb about someone's looks would make me really, really uncomfortable. As would telling them they were stupid, for example.

I wouldn't go silently off to bed though! I'd be concerned and having a conversation with my friend to see wtf was going on.

There is of course a wider context of patriarchal norms that are damaging, and that can provide us with explanations of why these things happen - as posters upthread have said, maybe this women was just really pissed with men not taking no for an answer and went in strong to make sure he fucked off. But on a personal level, I couldn't ignore such a spiteful remark, designed to hurt - I don't want to surround myself with people who are okay with efficient cruelty.

The personal is the political but for your own sanity, you have to choose where your own boundaries when these situations arise in your own personal intimate relationships. I'm not down with unkindness.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/10/2017 13:09

I do wonder if the posters saying ooh, waah, how horrible are people who just don't spend time in female-only company when they are not on the pull. If you are generally out and about with a mixed group, you don't get this level of pestering, because entitled men can see you are marked as the property of the men in the group.

seven201 · 15/10/2017 13:10

Fucking hell how horrible. If a man had said that to me my confidence would have been lost forever. I think I'd have jumped in and said "don't be so rude! He is attractive and a nice guy. Sorry Bob". Yes your friend would have been a bit pissed off at you but she's totally out of order. If you see him today you should speak to him.

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