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Original poster

My friend shocked me the way she rejected this guy

310 replies

Lifeisntbad · 15/10/2017 09:41

Have Ncd and changed some details but this is basically it. A small group of us are on a weekend away. After a few perfectly respectful approaches from men all of whom took the hint and departed when the conversation dried up, my friend who has admittedly had a somewhat difficult time from men in the past but nothing out of the ordinary really genuinely shocked me. We had had a few drinks but weren't drunk.

I'm not sure he was even trying his luck, seemed to be in the hotel for work reasons and just started chatting. After a while my frIend turned to him and said "you're not exactly attractive and you have zero chance with any of us so save yourself the embarrassment and just leave us alone." My other friend and I were stunned and the guy just looked utterly crushed and went away without saying another word. The thing is he was actually fairly attractive and quite a good conversationalist.
Even if he wasn't that's hardly justification. I don't know what to say if we run into him today. I'm really shocked at what my friend said and us 2 others went silently to bed after. I'll speak to her about it today but I've never seen this side to her before. I really felt so sorry for him he looked so upset and shocked.

OP posts:
brasty · 15/10/2017 13:11

ReanimatedSGB Totally agree. You don't get it in mixed groups. I have no issue with talking to someone at the bar when I get drinks, or a quick convo in passing. But no, don't come and interrupt our conversation.

RebelRogue · 15/10/2017 13:14

my confidence would have been lost forever.
Why is so confidence so fragile that one shitty comment from a random man would make it lost "forever"? Unless you were being a bit dramatic of course,

Nancy91 · 15/10/2017 13:17

Stoic, I make eye contact and look around the room and I'm definitely not on the pull? If you aren't looking for a man do you go around with your eyes closed, feeling your way around the room?

The hair flicking example made me cringe, I've never done that to get a man.

Your examples of a woman showing that she wants men to speak to her is a bit out of touch and creepy Grin

My partner started talking to me and we were friends for years before we got together. He spoke to me and I didn't call him names or in any way insult him - shock fucking horror!

brasty · 15/10/2017 13:19

Body language is different if someone is on the pull. If you really can't tell the difference, then go on a basic body language course. Because I can tell the difference. Just as I can tell when I talk to a stranger if they want to talk to me, or are just being polite.

Angelf1sh · 15/10/2017 13:24

OPs apparent failure to check in on this again means I'm sticking this in the "didn't happen" basket.

StevesFlappyCap · 15/10/2017 13:25

Yy Angel

witchofzog · 15/10/2017 13:26

rebelrogue It is not being dramatic at all. If your confidence is already a but crap or if you are just coming out of a bout of depression, all it can take is one comment like this for your already fragile confidence to nose dive

SevenStones · 15/10/2017 13:26

I regularly go for a walk on the same route. One time I met this particular man who tried to engage me in conversation. I had said hello, as you do, then answered his question with a one word answer, not rude at all, just obvious I wasn't interested in talking (besides which it was quite intrusive, not your general chat about the weather or whatever). I met him again a couple of days later, again he asked me questions, I gave him one short but pleasant answer and continued walking. The third time I met him I was dreading it, but had decided I wasn't going to answer any of his questions just say a breezy hello and walk quickly past. So I said hello, but he had obviously taken the hump and ignored me whilst making a grand harrumphing noise and stomping past me. He completely ignores me now which is fine by me.

With regards to the OP, I am also sick of men feeling entitled to foist themselves on women and that it's supposedly the women's job to A. listen to these men B. not be rude to them and/or tell them to get lost.

Batteriesallgone · 15/10/2017 13:31

Have you asked your friend about it?

brasty · 15/10/2017 13:32

Yes women do not react the way in the OP, because we are socialised to be too nice.
But telling entitled men to fuck off I think should be encouraged.

pullingmyhairout1 · 15/10/2017 13:34

I am a chatter. I'll chat to anyone. No matter male or female. Have a partner. If a bloke sauntered over to have a chat at our table my mates and I probably would just chat to the fella but I'd definitely get into the conversation early on that I have a fella at home. Purely from the fact that I wouldn't want him getting the wrong idea. To be honest I've made some great friends from random chats with either sex.

brasty · 15/10/2017 13:36

I chat all the time to strangers. This is different.
Any I understand why you do it, but why should women have to get into the convo that they already have a man?

MuseumOfCurry · 15/10/2017 13:39

Brasty, do you accept that single (and even not single) men and women like to go to bars to meet people for sex and romance?

MuseumOfCurry · 15/10/2017 13:39

Body language is different if someone is on the pull. If you really can't tell the difference, then go on a basic body language course. Because I can tell the difference. Just as I can tell when I talk to a stranger if they want to talk to me, or are just being polite.

Sure. That you should be able to tell is probably the only thing we can agree on here. Why haven't you checked in with the OP to see if anyone was actually 'on the pull' last night?

Some women like being approached by men. Others don't. It may be that one group of women is comprised of both. Of those who do like being approached by men, they might bat away several that they don't find attractive, but remain open to other men.

You've filled in the gaps in this story with your own imagination.

fredericapotterslawyer · 15/10/2017 13:39

I am also sick of men feeling entitled to foist themselves on women
Me too! And as previous posters have said it happens everywhere. I work in my local library every day (with headphones) and there is an man who comes up and interrupts me to talk about his own work every time he's in there. He does it to other women too, but never men, I've noticed. He's boring, rude and can't seem to read my not very subtle cues telling him to go away. I only wish I had the guts of some women on here and could say 'fuck off'!

brasty · 15/10/2017 13:40

MuseumofCurry I will respond when you answer my question that you ignored.

MuseumOfCurry · 15/10/2017 13:41

What question is that.

brasty · 15/10/2017 13:41

Are you a man or a woman.

MuseumOfCurry · 15/10/2017 13:42

Woman. Not sure why this matters to you.

brasty · 15/10/2017 13:45

When I go out with friends to socialise, we are not looking to be chatted up. We are looking to socialise with each other. Some are too polite for their own good and won't shut down conversation from a random man, and it is always a man, with the exception of one woman with clear learning difficulties who goes to our local pub. My friends are always grateful when I get rid of men who approach us and won't take the hint.

WhoWants2Know · 15/10/2017 13:48

(If it happened) The OP's friend wasn't nice to a man who was quite clearly irritating her. It isn't her job to be nice. No big deal.

brasty · 15/10/2017 13:49

WhoWants2Know You are wrong. All women have to be nice to all men, all of the time.

AufderAutobahn · 15/10/2017 13:54

Ha, weird. I think the OP's friend was out of order but I do wonder about people's (well, men's) intentions when they strike up a conversation with you. A couple of years ago I was sitting outside a pub in the sunshine, having had a nice day out and passing the time away while waiting for my bus home. A guy was driving past me into the car park and he stopped and said he used to have some Doc Martens like the ones I was wearing. We had a brief, friendly chat about boots and bands we'd seen, and I thought he was just a friendly guy who liked my boots. Then he said he'll be having a drink with me in a few minutes, when I join him in the pub Hmm. I said I was going home in a few minutes and was waiting for my bus to arrive. His face then darkened, and he drove off looking furious. When I went to get my bus, I had to walk past him, he saw me and gave me a right evil look. I told my DH this later, he laughed and asked how I could have been so naive, of course he wasn't just after a nice chat! It's impossible to read people's intentions when they strike up conversations with people they've never met. Whilst I think there was no need for such a personal attack like the OP's friend launched on the guy, I can definitely understand her being wary.

BitOfANameChange · 15/10/2017 13:58

I'll speak to her about it today but I've never seen this side to her before.

OP, this suggests the comment was out of character for your friend. In which case, I would totally agree you should talk to her. Because it's highly probably more was going on than you were aware of.

I've had the misfortune to be a lone female eating dinner out when on a work training course. I had a whole load of men trying to chat, or touch me up (really) when I was making it clear I didn't want company ( a book, what could be clearer).

I have definitely noticed that you don't get these approaches when you're in a mixed group, but when out with a group of females, we've certainly had the blokes trying it on.

RebelRogue · 15/10/2017 14:07

The thing is this type of thing doesn't happen just in places/situations where some consider it socially accepted to do so. Men don't bother with silly limits like where it happens or in what circumstances. They want a woman's attention and they go for it.
Like the guy that stopped his car when I wanted to cross and blocked my path trying to chat me up. I was just walking down the street but apparently he just "liked my swagger and simply had to stop".

Or the guy that asked for directions when I was in the garden,made a few steps then came back,tried the gate and shouted at me that I was cute.

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