My friend shocked me the way she rejected this guy

[Lifeisntbad]

Have Ncd and changed some details but this is basically it. A small group of us are on a weekend away. After a few perfectly respectful approaches from men all of whom took the hint and departed when the conversation dried up, my friend who has admittedly had a somewhat difficult time from men in the past but nothing out of the ordinary really genuinely shocked me. We had had a few drinks but weren't drunk.

I'm not sure he was even trying his luck, seemed to be in the hotel for work reasons and just started chatting. After a while my frIend turned to him and said "you're not exactly attractive and you have zero chance with any of us so save yourself the embarrassment and just leave us alone." My other friend and I were stunned and the guy just looked utterly crushed and went away without saying another word. The thing is he was actually fairly attractive and quite a good conversationalist.
Even if he wasn't that's hardly justification. I don't know what to say if we run into him today. I'm really shocked at what my friend said and us 2 others went silently to bed after. I'll speak to her about it today but I've never seen this side to her before. I really felt so sorry for him he looked so upset and shocked.

Thank you @Choccopop It was sleepytime on my side of the world and I was a bit worried that some might think I had retired hurt. So it was good to wake and see your post. Cheers

Anniegetyourgun I don’t think the OP’s friend’s personal insult was necessary. A simple ‘no thanks’ or ‘we’re busy’ or even ‘please fuck off’ would have done the job. That being said I think the OP was being a shit friend by not asking if her friend was okay. I have a feeling her friend was just as pissed off with the OP for entertaining the men that had come over, as I would be.

"He could well have been wanting a chat".

Oh my sides! OP, have you met men in bars beforel?!

Oh puhlease do NOT give us the 'it happens to men too' crap that is almost as bad as NAMALT!!

Yes I know it happens to men too BUT it happens FAR more to women and is far MORE Intimidating and dis empowering for women don't be so bloody disingenuous on that score

Damn i saw a brill feminist blog today titled "Tits or Ghosts" which Bant could have read but i cant bloody find it now. It appeared in my twitter feed.

Sorry the blog POST is called Tits or Ghosts.

medium.com/@youngvulgarian/tits-or-ghosts-12ef2491308b

Here you go

I'm pretty much OK with the level of rudeness of the woman described in the OP. It's a little unfair that random stranger #4 got the full brunt of the anger that should be rightly directed share between men #s 1-4 equally but that's OK as if more of us start being equally assertive regularly then men #s 1-3 will get their fair share in due course.

Those of you saying that he wasn't to know that the group of women weren't out on the pull because a group of single women interested in meeting men would be looking and acting the same are actually directly contributing to the rape culture that has boys growing up thinking that no doesn't always mean no, it sometimes means yes. A lot of us had misogynistic upbringings we were taught that a nice girl mustn't look too keen or available, she should feign disinterest and say no a few times before saying yes. So obviously boys learned not to take no for an answer, and that persistence in the face of a polite "no" was the right course. The whole thing sucks, and we MUST NOT allow it to persist or allow our sons and daughters to learn the same sick rules.

Men must learn that if women are not making it obvious that they are on the pull then they should be left alone, and women will then happily find themselves in the position that if they are looking for company and/or new friends they need to make it obvious and if they don't they will be left alone. If you want the validation of being chatted up by a persistent man when all your signals have been 'not interested' then you are just as misogynistic as the men who do this, and are actively participating in creating and sustaining a culture which is unsafe for women.

The actual words were mean but hey maybe she really did think he was unattractive, that's for her to decide and not the poster. She was too rude but I guess she is sick of it.

What is more interesting from this thread is just how conditioned some women are to put up with with their treatment from men. There is no way men are sexually harassed as much as women. Next thing is people will be demanding statistics, I don't have any to hand.

Thats the one Trills Thanks

@Graphista you think a guy talking to you is intimidating and disempowering?

That's not what I said and you know it. I said being rudely and personally insulted happens to women all the time (usually as a result of rejecting a mans unwanted advances).

THAT is what is intimidating and disempowering (not that we have the power anyway)

Thanks for posting that trills excellent article

You see Bant you had the woman you deemed unattractive filed away in your mind as Ghost. And i think she knew it.

Some days you're the tits some days you're the ghost! very good tweet. (was it a tweet). SO true.

But VERY rarely an equal human being

@Graphista there you go again knowing what people know.
you said quote
"it* happens to men too BUT it happens FAR more to women and is far MORE Intimidating and dis empowering for women"
"it" is not located near enough to your post to be clear what it stands for. Easy enough for @choccopop to interpret the way choccopop did.
(do you "know" what I did there?)

@kuniloofdooksa Wed 18-Oct-17 08:43:41 "I'm pretty much OK with the level of rudeness ......"
that is a very illuminating post and reasons for women behaving more forthrightly.
Thanks.

@ Lifeisntbad Did you talk to your friends next day or later?

nothing out of the ordinary - how do you actually know that? No one knew about my history of assault, not even my husband until last night.

I'd get pretty fucked off too if men kept acting as though they had any claim on my time and attention.

What is this ‘claim’ on time and attention? Someone can say hello in a public place and you can chat or politely say ‘not now thanks, I am busy’.

If there were a universal rule that it was impolite to approach a group (as it would be in a formal restaurant, for instance),then it would be fair enough to respond rudely.
But it isn’t, is it?

We still, by and large, as a society, expect men to make the first approach in dating. You cannot make your own personal rules. Imagine you approached someone on the school run and said a cheery good morning and they said ‘fuck off you ugly old hag’ because THEY felt you were impinging on their precious time. It would be rude and inappropriate. It is all about social mores. Right now approaching people in bars is considered ok and, as long as you go away when asked to, is not considered impolite.

@larrygrylls no,it’s considered acceptable by some people,the majority of which are the ones doing the approaching. Funny that.

Rebel,

Nonsense. Plenty of couples met in bars. It happens.

Obviously depends on the bar and the vibe. From what the OP said, though. Sounds like a lively bar where people go to meet others.

@larrygrylls let’s say some places are ok,like bars. You say everyone knows that and it’s expected.
Then how come men don’t stick to those socially (says you) acceptable places, but keep approaching women everywhere...in the train,on the street,in the library,when a woman has headphones in or a book and is visibly occupied etc.?

I mean if there is this unspoken rule that everyone should know, why are women the only ones required to follow it?

Rebel,

Some men are not good at following convention, as are some women. When they blatantly don’t they deserve the full panoply of rude replies. I don’t feel (from what the op said) ,though , that this was such an occasion.