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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend shocked me the way she rejected this guy

310 replies

Lifeisntbad · 15/10/2017 09:41

Have Ncd and changed some details but this is basically it. A small group of us are on a weekend away. After a few perfectly respectful approaches from men all of whom took the hint and departed when the conversation dried up, my friend who has admittedly had a somewhat difficult time from men in the past but nothing out of the ordinary really genuinely shocked me. We had had a few drinks but weren't drunk.

I'm not sure he was even trying his luck, seemed to be in the hotel for work reasons and just started chatting. After a while my frIend turned to him and said "you're not exactly attractive and you have zero chance with any of us so save yourself the embarrassment and just leave us alone." My other friend and I were stunned and the guy just looked utterly crushed and went away without saying another word. The thing is he was actually fairly attractive and quite a good conversationalist.
Even if he wasn't that's hardly justification. I don't know what to say if we run into him today. I'm really shocked at what my friend said and us 2 others went silently to bed after. I'll speak to her about it today but I've never seen this side to her before. I really felt so sorry for him he looked so upset and shocked.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 15/10/2017 11:00

@Nancy91 Butting in on a group of strangers is never the right way to 'meet people'. And it really, really is men who do this to groups of women and feel entitled to do it. Someone who is new in town or whatever and looking for friends generally knows that you don't just barge in on other people who are talking to each other and expect to be welcomed.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/10/2017 11:01

Again: tough shit if the man felt humiliated. It serves him right. No one wanted to talk to him or be interrupted by him, and with any luck the memory of that crushing put down will teach him not to pester women he doesn't know, ever again.

KickAssAngel · 15/10/2017 11:01

I'm more surprised that the OP thought it was "perfectly respectful" for a few men to approach them. Unless you were in the kind of place that's definitely a pulling joint, there's nothing respectful about a man trying to interrupt a group of women together.

I wouldn't barge into a family reunion and expect to be made welcome. I wouldn't join a work's night out and just make myself part of the crowd. Why should any man think he can do that to a group of women? If a man is single and wants to meet up with a woman, he can go to the kind of pub/club where that's what's going on, not gatecrash someone else's night.

She may have been rude, but he was rude first. Why does the OP think it's OK for men to act like this? It isn't.

brasty · 15/10/2017 11:02

I said it sharply but nicely because I am a coward. In my head I just want to say fuck the fuck off forever.

Trills · 15/10/2017 11:05

This thread probably feels familiar because this sort of thing happens all the time.

I think I probably did my best Scary Face, too

I bet SGB's scary face is a sight to be seen.

TheStoic · 15/10/2017 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

theaveragewife · 15/10/2017 11:11

Ahhh, the first few comments were worrying...I feel warm and fuzzy now. Bear

Nancy91 · 15/10/2017 11:14

SGB how do you meet a potential partner without one of you approaching the other to start a conversation?

Why not just drink at home with your friends if you're so antisocial?

I have walked up to groups of men on nights out to have a chat and a laugh. That's how you make friends - talking to strangers.

You sound very unfriendly and a bit conceited if you think every man that speaks to you on a night out fancies you. That's simply not the case.

TheStoic · 15/10/2017 11:16

You sound very unfriendly and a bit conceited if you think every man that speaks to you on a night out fancies you. That's simply not the case.

You think men chat to women they don’t fancy —ever— on a night out? Have you met any men?

Be3Al2Si6O18 · 15/10/2017 11:17

It is basic human manners to not gatecrash a party of people having a private conversation. I never do it and wait until the group body open up to others in the room first. It is also basic human manners not to ridicule someone for their looks or physical ability. Both are independently in the wrong.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 15/10/2017 11:17

Christ.

If that were my friend it would change how I viewed them. It was rude as fuck, and I've no time for people who make disparaging comments on the appearance of others.

Whilst I understand and agree that it can be frustrating to have your conversation interrupted, that still is no justification for behaving in such a cruel and nasty way.

Your friend sounds horrendous. But I'd have said something rather than silently going off to bed.

Dieu · 15/10/2017 11:23

An unnecessarily cruel thing to say, no matter how drunk or pissed off. And imagine if a guy said this to a woman?!

RebelRogue · 15/10/2017 11:25

This thread is so fucking depressing.
Bla bla bla polite.
Bla bla bla mean.
Bla bla bla jealous.
Bla bla bla but how will we ever fund a man/make friends.
Bla bla bla stay at home.

HmmHmm

stitchglitched · 15/10/2017 11:25

Men say nasty stuff to women all the time, often in response to being rejected politely.

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2017 11:26

I think if a man said this to a woman there would be an outcry. Yes it was rude and unnecessary.

However on saying that, I have a friend who uses the term “fuck off”. They just have to come near her and she says fuck off as soon as they open their mouths. I don’t know why but there is something in the way she does it that’s actually highly amusing. She’s got some form of comical timing and the tone of her voice when she says it, it’s comical, but I doubt it’s comical for the men being told to fuck off.

Schmoopy · 15/10/2017 11:27

You sound very unfriendly and a bit conceited if you think every man that speaks to you on a night out fancies you. That's simply not the case.

My experience, largely confirmed by every man I've spoken to on the topic, is that men won't waste their time being 'friendly' and having a chat with strange women they encounter on a night out unless they would, at least, be open to the idea of sex with them, should the opportunity arise.

And that women who don't realise this are very naive

RebelRogue · 15/10/2017 11:32

As for if a man did it... Men do do it. Daily. In fact they do it so fucking much,they developed a pick up technique based on it. Google negging.

stitchglitched · 15/10/2017 11:35

I'm struggling to imagine how anyone can type out 'imagine the outcry if men did it' with a straight face.

Nancy91 · 15/10/2017 11:39

Seriously? None of you have any male friends?! You've never spoken to a man and had a nice conversation?

What a load of shit, not all men fancy you, they could just be being social.

Again, how do you meet a man without one of you approaching the other (ie, a stranger) and starting a conversation? How do you make friends?

That guy, no matter what his intentions were, didn't deserve to be insulted about his looks or whatever. Just act uninterested or say you can't chat right now. Don't be a dick.

user1493413286 · 15/10/2017 11:40

I’d be interested in everyone’s responses if a man had said this to a woman who was chatting to him.
There isn’t any need to be rude unless someone isn’t taking no for an answer or if they’ve said something offensive. I’ve always said something polite then followed up with can you leave us alone if someone doesn’t respond to politeness.
This is how a lot of people meet partners etc by getting chatting in bars so I’m not sure how men are supposed to know if their approaches are wanted or not until they try.

TheStoic · 15/10/2017 11:44

I’d be interested in everyone’s responses if a man had said this to a woman who was chatting to him.

If a man said this to a woman? It would be business as usual. Only his friends would be laughing along, not wringing their hands on mumsnet.

stitchglitched · 15/10/2017 11:46

I'm not interested in making friends with men and I've never been approached by any in a bar who are just looking to make new friends either. They have invariably wanted the chance of sex.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/10/2017 11:48

Clue: approaches are not wanted when the other person is part of a group having a conversation. This is particularly the case when it is an all-female group and the approacher is a man.

As to meeting potential new partners: people do go out on the pull and that's fine. Women even go out in groups, on the pull, but when that is what they are doing, they are going to be looking around at men, checking them out, hitting the dancefloor and generally showing they are open to making new friends.
Women sitting chatting to each other are not looking for a man.

What this type of man (and there are, actually, socially competent, well-mannered men who know perfectly well that this is dick behaviour) believes is that women are available if they are not visibly owned by a man, therefore any group of women talking to each other can simply be selected and picked up by any man who wants one of them. Because women owe men attention, and must always ignore each other in favour of a man.

RebelRogue · 15/10/2017 11:53

What's even more depressing is that two women gave the silent treatment and left a friend,all because an UNKNOWN man got sent away(rudely or not). And all the hand wringing over what to say/do if they see him again. You owe him nothing FFS,he's a stranger. You definitely owe your friend bit more loyalty.

TessoftheDoobieBrothers · 15/10/2017 12:05

And those of you whining about 'poor Nice Guys, what can they do?' might like to think about this: how many times, when you are part of a mixed group, or with a male friend/partner/relative, do random men come over and interrupt? I bet that's 'pretty much never'. Any man who approaches a women-only group in a public place is acting on a mindset that women without visible male owners are 'available' and he can just pick one up.

You are messed up. Unless there is a major backstory we haven't been told, her comments were utterly, utterly cruel. How would you feel if someone said that to you? I bet you'd be crying yourself to sleep. I hope this bloke finds himself a nice woman, or stays single, because that kind of poisonous comment can really mess with your mental health. I wonder how you'd fell if he'd said it to her? Or to you?
Bet you wouldn't be so cocky then.