My friend shocked me the way she rejected this guy

[Lifeisntbad]

Have Ncd and changed some details but this is basically it. A small group of us are on a weekend away. After a few perfectly respectful approaches from men all of whom took the hint and departed when the conversation dried up, my friend who has admittedly had a somewhat difficult time from men in the past but nothing out of the ordinary really genuinely shocked me. We had had a few drinks but weren't drunk.

I'm not sure he was even trying his luck, seemed to be in the hotel for work reasons and just started chatting. After a while my frIend turned to him and said "you're not exactly attractive and you have zero chance with any of us so save yourself the embarrassment and just leave us alone." My other friend and I were stunned and the guy just looked utterly crushed and went away without saying another word. The thing is he was actually fairly attractive and quite a good conversationalist.
Even if he wasn't that's hardly justification. I don't know what to say if we run into him today. I'm really shocked at what my friend said and us 2 others went silently to bed after. I'll speak to her about it today but I've never seen this side to her before. I really felt so sorry for him he looked so upset and shocked.

@GrapesAreMyJam does he just randomly barge in on groups of people,going to their table?

why does he think they want to talk to him? If I've got a sitter / dressed up and gone out with my mates, i really want to see them. Not be accosted by some well meaning but boorish bloke.

Ok. When is it ok for a person (who may be feeling anxious because they're alone) to converse with an established group?

Bus stop?
AA meeting?
Tea after church?
Human rights rally?
Bar?

I think it is fine to be rude to people who are harassing you, i am sometimes rude to chuggers on the street, telesales people, strangers who decide to tell me what I should/shouldn't be doing also get short shrift. I don't have to be nice to anyone.

I think it's incredibly rude to just start talking to someone randomly and to expect a conversation to start (not including random hellos when you're out for a stroll or comments about the weather etc.), and think ignoring them is a perfectly reasonable response. And if you don't want the conversation telling them so is no ruder than them invading your time and space in the first place.

Asking them if they'd talk to you if you were a man is inviting them into a conversation - why do that if you don't want a conversation?

In addition to putting an entitled man straight, if as many of us as possible do this, maybe the message will start getting through.

I think ignoring them, turning away from them, or telling them to go away would be far more effective. Asking them a question is just encouraging this behaviour.

I would be quite embarrassed by her. Her reaction/response was over the top. It's good to be assertive but this seems just rude.

If you don't want any strangers to talk to you why the hell are you going to bars? People are normally there to have fun and socialise and having a drink makes you want to speak to new people.

Just sit at home with your friends if you don't like pubs and bars. Someone can come and sit next to you and talk all they want in a public place like a bar. Best to stay in your bubble and protect yourselves from those evil penis folk.

@Nancy91 the can talk all they want. I don’t have to talk to them though and I don’t owe them shit.

Oh and I don’t have to listen to them either.

Rubbish. Pick up bars yes people go to talk to others. Ordinary pubs they go to socialise with their friends.

The reality is that people who have chatted to groups of the opposite sex do sometimes end up making friends, having sex and even getting married.

It does depend on the kind of bar, how everyone was sitting etc. It would be very weird going up to a group of women eating in a restaurant. However some bars are all about wandering around and chatting to strangers.

It is then about reading body language etc. No one owes anyone a deep conversation but if the approach is polite, a short but equally polite ‘I am sorry but i am catching up with old friends’ is a far better response than what the OP’s friend used.

In this country, on the whole, men are still the ones expected to initiate contact (though it is slowly changing). In some other countries it is far more 50/50. Imagine that kind of response were the sexes reversed and a woman had politely tried to initiate contact with a group of men.

I'm sorry but what the hell is a pick up bar? That isn't a thing around here, we just have bars. I'm sensing a generation gap between us as I've never heard of a bar specifically for single people if that's what that is? Is it an old fashioned thing?

Why not stay at home and drink if you don't want other people around you? Friendly people like to speak to others. It's going to keep happening so why not avoid the situation.

A pick up bar is where young people go to meet those of the opposite sex. You know the kind of warehouse places with few seats and loud music.
I go to bars where groups of friends and families go out for a meal and/or drink. Very very different.

And no, women do not come up and try and dominate our conversation. Men do. This has nothing to do with being friendly.

By the way, when I was young I was oblivious to all but very obvious sexism.

I'm not young enough to be oblivious but I don't think pick up bars are a thing anymore. I literally had to google it and nothing came up. Something about guitars came up.

Women always come up and chat to me and my friends, and I always strike up conversations with women. Generally if we are outside where it's quieter we will always find new people to speak to as it's part of the fun. Drinking makes people chattier than usual.

right, so are we not meant to go to bars / pubs unless we're prepared to humour the local lech?

There was no need to comment on him not being attractive, just unnecessary. Unless he had made comments on her appearance.

Dunno,but I never had a woman approach me on a night out except for the casual “I like your hair/shoes/outfit/ehatever” . I also have never approached a woman unless for the above or if I was concerned for her safety/state of mind(looking lost,crying etc).

Nancy what you describe is what I do at a party.I have never been to a bar like that

@RebeccaWrongDaily yup basically put up or shut up(stay at home).

Wow! Nancy your idea of stay at home unless you want to be approached IS old fashioned - it's the way it was until at least the 80's!!

It's why I STILL don't feel comfortable entering a pub or bar alone as a woman

Why go there if you think bars are full of men that will keep walking over and accosting you?! That's what people are saying happens to them. Men constantly walk up and overtake their conversations and clearly only want sex, right? Surely if that was actually the case you would stop going to these places.

That's like going to an Indian restaurant and then declaring that you don't like Indian food.

(I don't believe that men only speak to you for sex, that's what previous posters have said despite it being bollocks and sexist, I'm just saying that if it was true, why the fuck would you go there).

"you're not exactly attractive and you have zero chance with any of us so save yourself the embarrassment and just leave us alone."

Yes say that to me and I'll leave you well alone!

barge pole run not touch etc..

Yes say that to me and I'll leave you well alone! barge pole run not touch etc..

That was the objective.

Oh Nancy. In trying to act all cool and with it you are coming across as a bit needy.