How do I dodge this date? Is it even a date? Help!

[Slaylormoon]

Long time lurker, first time poster in this topic, looking to anyone who has more experience than I do that can shed some light on how to proceed with this situation.

I'll try not to drip feed!
I am 22, attending University [late starter, worked in retail after dropping out of my A levels then eventually got accepted to University after a one year HE Access course]
The Uni is in the UK but not my home country iyswim, so I don't have a lot of immediate friends or any family to turn to about this, and we're not that close anyway.

At the beginning of the year I came into contact with a man considerably older than me, [52] on a forum about a mutual hobby, and we exchanged general chitchat before finding out each other's names, ages etc. He seemed very laid back and not at all pushy which was nice, but I was very surprised when he asked my birthday and then commented he'd been a practising lawyer since I was 2!

I'm fairly open minded and it's not the sort of hobby it would be unusual to find a mix of ages interested in [cooking related] so it didn't phase me and we continued to exchange very casual messages, first on the forum but after on the KiK messaging app.

All continued as usual, he would usually initiate messaging and I'm not always the fastest to reply but we would have normal conversations, what we had for tea, what was good on netflix etc, but nothing deep or revealing. He once mentioned that maybe we should meet up at some point but I told him I was too focused on University having finally got to this point and didn't think I would have time during my breaks as I usually fly home and spend time with my family.

Until today, when by chance I check the app and see I have three unread messages from him.

The first said: "I've booked a bit of time off over the weekend, how about I make that visit we spoke about?" (We!?)

The second message, sent an hour after the first said: "I'll have a look at flights, and let you know if it's reasonable (:"

Fourty minutes after the second message, he sent: "All done and booked! Premier Inn for Saturday night, best get a move on and book a place for dinner Missy!"

Now, I'm diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and thus do admit I have a diminished awareness at times regarding social situations, but reading back every message we've exchanged I can't fathom how I have led him on in any way, or hinted that I wanted a relationship with his man. I have always been polite, jokey but not flirtatious, I wouldn't even really know how to start flirting with someone!

He has never called me 'Missy' or acted this strangely before so I thought perhaps he had messaged the wrong person, but after asking him if he was serious it seems he actually -has- on a mad whim booked a hotel, presumably just for him, but worst case scenario he expects to get me in it, doesn't he?

I've spent hours laying in bed now trying to draft a succinct but not unkind message that will get me out of this, I already have plans on the weekend and even if I was free, I don't think I would feel comfortable on a date with a 52 year old, he's older than my own father. It just feels very forced and like maybe he thinks I'll just go along with it?

If anyone wiser than me can come up with something, I'd be incredibly grateful. I was pretty sure he was just a genuine friendly person, but surely him booking a stay in a town he's never been to before, in a country he's never set foot in, to meet a 22 year old vulnerable adult is a red flag?

Are his initials RM? His behaviour, age and profession match someone I once had to block from contacting me.

Not a match Temporaryanonymity, sorry to hear you had a similar run in

I just want to echo others in giving you a massive bloody cheer for having such firm boundaries and for seeing his attempt at manipulation exactly for what it was.

This is a tricky thing for an NT person to negotiate and I think you should be massively proud of yourself for handling it so well.

I hope that doesn't sound patronising.

OP, if you've discussed places/locations that you frequent then be extra vigilant this weekend when you're out and about.
I'm an aspie and learned the hard way it's always best to listen to that 'uneasy' feeling and my own intuition...even if 'logically' it makes no sense.
Keep an eye out for the same guy/car etc turning up wherever you are, he could easily follow you anywhere from your halls.

I don't think this is the last you'll hear from him (unless you block him).
You might end up getting random texts talking about where he is, what he's doing...or even comments about your halls/uni because he just 'happened' to pass by there
His ego is not going to let someone off 'that easy'

Well done, OP, on dealing well with this creep. I hope the weekend in question passes without incident.

Thank you!
Absolutely not a word from him, or a sign of him anywhere today, so it was a much more relaxing day at the cat sanctuary than it would have been if I didn't get all this lovely advice :)

Really glad to hear that OP and long may it continue! 😊

I would be tempted to log this with the police - he might have a history. He might be on the SO register already.

Police would know from the photo you have of the flight tickets if he travelled etc. I assume that the name on the ticket is real.

I think that you still need to be extra vigilant and careful. Does he know your department/course you are doing.
Do you have other SM profiles he could stalk and find out about you.
He has invested a lot so far I doubt he will drop it.

Make sure your department and friends are aware - tell as many people as possible - they might spot any odd people in the area before you do -
they will literally be looking out for you - or may have already encountered or spotted odd things.

Also is he near your home town - or does he know much about it - as he could pop up there when term ends.

He will def have previous form - men dont start this type of thing at 52 - either he has just not be caught yet, or is on the SO register already - please be careful - I really would log it with the police.

I would be tempted to log this with the police - he might have a history. He might be on the SO register already.

Stop catastrophising. The OP has dealt with the situation.

cockacidial maniac. Hear hear . another 20 you are OTT

OP - you have been groomed, harassed and possibly stalked.

The following police resources will help you to protect yourself.

www.cityoflondon.police.uk/advice-and-support/protecting-you-and-your-family/Pages/stalking-and-harassment.aspx

"Stalking and Harassment are similar offences, however the term harassment is used to describe behaviour by a perpetrator which is repeated and unwanted by the victim and which causes the victim to have a negative reaction in terms of alarm or distress.

Although harassment is not specifically defined it can include repeated attempts to impose unwanted communications and contacts upon a victim in a manner that could be expected to cause distress or fear in any reasonable person.

Stalking is now a specific offence in England and Wales

As of 25th November 2012 amendments to the Protection from Harassment Act have been made that makes stalking a specific offence in England and Wales for the first time. The amendments were made under the Protection of Freedoms Act 2012.

What is stalking?

Stalking is not legally defined but the amendments include a list of example behaviours such as contacting/attempting to contact the victim, publishing statements or material about the victim, monitoring the victim (including online), loitering in a public or private place, interfering with property, watching or spying. This is a non exhaustive list which means that other behaviours, which are not described above may also be seen as stalking."

Good luck. Keep strong and vigilant.

Thanks for your concern another20 I've definitely made sure my tracks are covered here, but I appreciate that you can never be too careful and that's still sound advice so I will take it on board.

Yay for the radio silence :)