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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I dodge this date? Is it even a date? Help!

189 replies

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 02:18

Long time lurker, first time poster in this topic, looking to anyone who has more experience than I do that can shed some light on how to proceed with this situation.

I'll try not to drip feed!
I am 22, attending University [late starter, worked in retail after dropping out of my A levels then eventually got accepted to University after a one year HE Access course]
The Uni is in the UK but not my home country iyswim, so I don't have a lot of immediate friends or any family to turn to about this, and we're not that close anyway.

At the beginning of the year I came into contact with a man considerably older than me, [52] on a forum about a mutual hobby, and we exchanged general chitchat before finding out each other's names, ages etc. He seemed very laid back and not at all pushy which was nice, but I was very surprised when he asked my birthday and then commented he'd been a practising lawyer since I was 2!

I'm fairly open minded and it's not the sort of hobby it would be unusual to find a mix of ages interested in [cooking related] so it didn't phase me and we continued to exchange very casual messages, first on the forum but after on the KiK messaging app.

All continued as usual, he would usually initiate messaging and I'm not always the fastest to reply but we would have normal conversations, what we had for tea, what was good on netflix etc, but nothing deep or revealing. He once mentioned that maybe we should meet up at some point but I told him I was too focused on University having finally got to this point and didn't think I would have time during my breaks as I usually fly home and spend time with my family.

Until today, when by chance I check the app and see I have three unread messages from him.

The first said: "I've booked a bit of time off over the weekend, how about I make that visit we spoke about?" (We!?)

The second message, sent an hour after the first said: "I'll have a look at flights, and let you know if it's reasonable (:"

Fourty minutes after the second message, he sent: "All done and booked! Premier Inn for Saturday night, best get a move on and book a place for dinner Missy!"
Confused
Now, I'm diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and thus do admit I have a diminished awareness at times regarding social situations, but reading back every message we've exchanged I can't fathom how I have led him on in any way, or hinted that I wanted a relationship with his man. I have always been polite, jokey but not flirtatious, I wouldn't even really know how to start flirting with someone!

He has never called me 'Missy' or acted this strangely before so I thought perhaps he had messaged the wrong person, but after asking him if he was serious it seems he actually -has- on a mad whim booked a hotel, presumably just for him, but worst case scenario he expects to get me in it, doesn't he?

I've spent hours laying in bed now trying to draft a succinct but not unkind message that will get me out of this, I already have plans on the weekend and even if I was free, I don't think I would feel comfortable on a date with a 52 year old, he's older than my own father. It just feels very forced and like maybe he thinks I'll just go along with it?

If anyone wiser than me can come up with something, I'd be incredibly grateful. I was pretty sure he was just a genuine friendly person, but surely him booking a stay in a town he's never been to before, in a country he's never set foot in, to meet a 22 year old vulnerable adult is a red flag?

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 13/10/2017 18:07

*track you down

Sniv · 13/10/2017 18:10

Glad he's backed off. Absolutely time to block!

Ugh, the messages from this man have given me the shivers. The pet names and smiley faces combined with the coercion, guilt-tripping and attempts to deny you any say in the matter...all my alarm bells are going at once.

So glad you sent that firm, decisive reply to him earlier. You're not turning it down because you unfortunately have plans elsewhere, or because you have an obligation to another man - you just simply don't want to see him, and that's that.

WellThisIsShit · 13/10/2017 18:13

You are doing everything right, so give yourself a big pat on the back :)

And I mean that genuinely, you're doing all the right things and in this situation at least, the aspergers hasnt put you at a disadvantage... I know it doesn't disappear so I'm putting this down to you being rather brilliant :)

I do keep crossing posts but hopefully in up to date now. So glad you've got people who know about this man. I hope you're not too upset about him Flowers

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 18:14

StormTreader, when we asked they said there was a process for applying to have any guests stay with you, it's strictly against our contract to just let anyone in our halls so there's no way he would be admitted, and I made it clear that I was not going to be expecting any guests.

I already have pretty busy plans for the weekend but I won't be back at halls much unless it's for sleep so I'm not worried there, he didn't seem to give the indication he would still be visiting and I think the whole thing has concluded now.

OP posts:
Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 18:15

WellThisIsShit doomed to forever cross! Thank you for your kind words (:

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 13/10/2017 18:16

Aaaaarrrrggghhhh ruddy Nora, we cross again!

Grin
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 13/10/2017 18:42

Well done for your brilliant responses.

Just to put this in your head, he may try to reel you back in by engaging you in a discussion. You will be likely to want to defend yourself, and set the record straight, but that will be what he wants. Be really wary of this (ASD can give such a strong sense of injustice!). Know that you are right. All of his financial loss is as a result of his actions, not yours. You were clear from the start. He tried to pressure you.

He probably won't accept that, and that's not your responsibility either.

Hold your head high. And if you can, let the security on your building know his name and not to let him ever have access.

Well done!

ReanimatedSGB · 13/10/2017 18:51

I agree with keeping a record of all the dodgy communications.
Don't let it worry you too much - it sounds as though your home is safe and you have friends around you.

Also, don't feel that you can't have friendly chats with strangers online in future. Lots of people chat about shared hobbies/interests with no 'romantic' aspects. You did nothing whatsoever wrong and this creep is a nasty little loser (quite possibly with a long track record of just-short-of-illegal coercion and grooming of young women,)

ShitOrBust · 13/10/2017 18:57

this all just shows the lengths some men will go to for a shag....

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 19:05

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse (brilliant name) I totally get what you mean about the injustice factor! But thankfully this post has helped me see that actually, I don't owe him anything and I won't be messaging him again.

ShitOrBust, I accept the sentiment there, can't really argue now I see it, it was probably all for that. But it could have been more sinister and I'm thankful I asked for advice.

OP posts:
another20 · 13/10/2017 19:06

Well done OP for listening to your gut and spotting that this was an issue and seeking help on here and then dealing with it effectively.

However I would log it with the police or your uni. People do get into halls - someone holds open a door - they tell lies etc. When I was in halls I was in the shower and turned around a man was standing there watching me - I screamed and he fled. These halls had only one way in and out past from desk security.

This initial pestering could escalate to stalking. Please take this seriously. He could be hiding in the car park, behind bushes. You dont know what other online staking he has done of you to find out what you look like / what else you do etc.

LilyMcClellan · 13/10/2017 19:12

So glad to hear that my suggestion for a response was useful. That guy was definitely manipulating you and ignoring your boundaries. You did well to call him out when he started gaslighting you that you’d expressed willingness for him to come.

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 19:22

another20, I'm sorry that happened to you that's terrifying, I will pop back to the security desk and give them a description and some more details.

LilyMcClellan, sorry I forgot to thank you personally, it really was exactly what I wanted to say to him but the words just weren't formulating how I wanted!

OP posts:
OldEnglishSheepDog · 13/10/2017 19:28

Where do these awful men come from? Well done OP, you have behaved impeccably. He on the other hand is an arsehole.

IrenetheQuaint · 13/10/2017 19:28

Good work OP. Have a lovely weekend with the kitties!

mnpeasantry · 13/10/2017 19:44

Well done OP and this is the sort of thread that makes me love Mumsnet.

So many posters supporting the OP and giving her clear, unambiguous advice on how to deal with this creep.

PurpleToeNails · 13/10/2017 19:45

Great boundaries Slaylormoon. You sound really awesome!

Babytoboris · 13/10/2017 20:03

Op I work for a university. We would definitely want you to tell uni security about this guy and the security staff would increase checks around you - they are so lovely about stuff like this. Do warn uni staff about him, they will help.

troodiedoo · 13/10/2017 20:08

I work in the online dating industry, this behaviour from males is unfortunately all too common. Well done OP for putting the brakes on it.

You'll likely get a load of abusive messages later :( report to the forum moderator if you haven't already.

soothers · 13/10/2017 20:23

Definitely alert security - just in case he shows up pretending to be your dad or anything.

Well done for dodging that bullet OP

Rudedog · 13/10/2017 20:25

I am constantly shocked at some of the behaviour I read about on MN.
I'm really glad I do as it's good preparation for having a daughter growing up in the digital age.

Well done OP, hopefully he didn't bother to catch that flight

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 20:31

Thanks everyone (: the security desk replied to my email and were really reassuring, they're definitely alerted to the situation now.

Nothing else to add really! Smile

OP posts:
SuperSkyRocketing · 13/10/2017 20:46

Well done OP! You definitely handled this a lot better than I would have done at your age.

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 13/10/2017 20:46

Really glad to hear that OP!

ownedbySWD · 13/10/2017 20:47

So glad you resolved this. Kudos to you.