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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I dodge this date? Is it even a date? Help!

189 replies

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 02:18

Long time lurker, first time poster in this topic, looking to anyone who has more experience than I do that can shed some light on how to proceed with this situation.

I'll try not to drip feed!
I am 22, attending University [late starter, worked in retail after dropping out of my A levels then eventually got accepted to University after a one year HE Access course]
The Uni is in the UK but not my home country iyswim, so I don't have a lot of immediate friends or any family to turn to about this, and we're not that close anyway.

At the beginning of the year I came into contact with a man considerably older than me, [52] on a forum about a mutual hobby, and we exchanged general chitchat before finding out each other's names, ages etc. He seemed very laid back and not at all pushy which was nice, but I was very surprised when he asked my birthday and then commented he'd been a practising lawyer since I was 2!

I'm fairly open minded and it's not the sort of hobby it would be unusual to find a mix of ages interested in [cooking related] so it didn't phase me and we continued to exchange very casual messages, first on the forum but after on the KiK messaging app.

All continued as usual, he would usually initiate messaging and I'm not always the fastest to reply but we would have normal conversations, what we had for tea, what was good on netflix etc, but nothing deep or revealing. He once mentioned that maybe we should meet up at some point but I told him I was too focused on University having finally got to this point and didn't think I would have time during my breaks as I usually fly home and spend time with my family.

Until today, when by chance I check the app and see I have three unread messages from him.

The first said: "I've booked a bit of time off over the weekend, how about I make that visit we spoke about?" (We!?)

The second message, sent an hour after the first said: "I'll have a look at flights, and let you know if it's reasonable (:"

Fourty minutes after the second message, he sent: "All done and booked! Premier Inn for Saturday night, best get a move on and book a place for dinner Missy!"
Confused
Now, I'm diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and thus do admit I have a diminished awareness at times regarding social situations, but reading back every message we've exchanged I can't fathom how I have led him on in any way, or hinted that I wanted a relationship with his man. I have always been polite, jokey but not flirtatious, I wouldn't even really know how to start flirting with someone!

He has never called me 'Missy' or acted this strangely before so I thought perhaps he had messaged the wrong person, but after asking him if he was serious it seems he actually -has- on a mad whim booked a hotel, presumably just for him, but worst case scenario he expects to get me in it, doesn't he?

I've spent hours laying in bed now trying to draft a succinct but not unkind message that will get me out of this, I already have plans on the weekend and even if I was free, I don't think I would feel comfortable on a date with a 52 year old, he's older than my own father. It just feels very forced and like maybe he thinks I'll just go along with it?

If anyone wiser than me can come up with something, I'd be incredibly grateful. I was pretty sure he was just a genuine friendly person, but surely him booking a stay in a town he's never been to before, in a country he's never set foot in, to meet a 22 year old vulnerable adult is a red flag?

OP posts:
TrickOrRuddyTreat · 13/10/2017 17:14

ooops crossed with you there!

nauticant · 13/10/2017 17:15

If you do hear from him again, and I'd say it's more likely than not, I'd suggest you send him a very clear one line response:

Do not contact me again

and then block.

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 17:15

Also everyone keeps thinking my username is Stayformoon 😂 maybe that will be my next name change.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 13/10/2017 17:16

Can I just check that he doesn’t know where you live and that you can be safe/have others around if he turns up?

MagentaRocks · 13/10/2017 17:16

Good for you. I hope he has got the message and doesn't turn up. If he does don't answer the door.

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 17:17

Popchyk yes he could be pretending to be that person, what I meant was that's as far as I could validate the claim that he was a lawyer.

OP posts:
MillicentFawcett · 13/10/2017 17:17

Sorry it's because I'm the same age as your unwanted suitor and I haven't got my reading glasses on GrinGrin

WellThisIsShit · 13/10/2017 17:20

Sorry my more lighthearted post crossed with your updates.

The man is a manipulative sleasebag. Every message he sends makes him more and more unpleasant. You need to be extremely clear and immovable.

This is not acceptable!

His attitude shows you what he thinks of women, and he clearly thinks their consent is NOT necessary or important. He thinks he has a right to ignore your wishes in order to force you to see him (& more, I assume).

He's vile.

Message him a clear NO.
"As I said in my previous message I do NOT consent to your visit, this weekend, or ever. If you continue to try and force me into seeing you, I will contact the police. I will not be messaging you again as I have nothing more to say to you. Leave me alone."

Good luck.

Also, does your halls have any security? Or any nearby campus with security? If so, please tell them that a much older man is harassing you and is threatening to come find you this weekend, against your clear no and lack of consent...

I'm hoping he will realise that his attempt to force himself upon you has failed, but just in case, can you go stay somewhere else this weekend? Or have people over so you're not on your own?

Poor you Flowers

BrokenBattleDroid · 13/10/2017 17:24

Hopefully he'll just be briefly annoyed and this will all blow over, but just in case please DON"T DELETE ANY OF YOUR COMMUNICATIONS WITH HIM (in capitals because it's really important!).

Even a couple of months down the line when you haven't heard from him for ages - keep a folder on your computer with it all in just in case he pops up again, or becomes stalkerish, or tries to discredit you somehow.

TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown · 13/10/2017 17:26

Your last message was very clear OP Hopefully the sleaze leaves you alone now.

Can't believe he text you all confused about why you wouldn't want a complete randomer inviting himself to visit you, such a sense of entitlement!

MillicentFawcett · 13/10/2017 17:29

Great reply Slaylor (xposted with your update). Please keep all the messages and let someone know. If you're in Halls, there should be a warden or similar that you can alert to what's happening just in case the creepy old fucker decides to try and track you down.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you - it's just horrible

TheChampagneGalop · 13/10/2017 17:31

I am worried about you OP, does he know your full name, where you live or study?

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 17:31

LaurieFairyCake Yes you can! Sorry I forgot to update on that front.
While he -could- find the halls, it's unlikely he could even gain access without the swipe keys we have, and front desk (if there's even anyone there) wouldn't let a strange 52 year old man into the premises without a specific reason (We checked).

I've told the roomates I'm closest too everything and they're incredibly supportive and have been really kind.

Don't worry WellThisIsShit, definitely gave me a giggle I needed!
As did MillicentFawcett's lack of specs Smile

I haven't blocked him yet, I don't get notifications from the app so it won't bug me if he replies but I would just like to see how he responds to the message I sent, even if I don't reply to him again. Either way I don't want to talk to this man again, don't worry about that! I'm not easily talked round once I'm aware I'm being talked round 😂

OP posts:
BrokenBattleDroid · 13/10/2017 17:33

And he only booked the flight without checking first because he knew you'd say no - that's really controlling. Much easier to railroad someone when you've already parted with money and they might feel too guilty to say no Angry

Well done for realising it wasn't right and being assertive, I know I wouldn't have managed that until at least my 30's, I'd have probably been flattered that he wanted to force his company on me.

midnightmisssuki · 13/10/2017 17:39

Oh my what a crazy man! Good reply OP and it's also good to hear your friends are being very supportive.

DearMrDilkington · 13/10/2017 17:39

I'm gobsmacked at how his behaving. Be careful, he sounds unhinged. I doubt it's the first time his done something like this.

TheChampagneGalop · 13/10/2017 17:44

Glad you have spoken to your roomates about it and sent that message to him. Others here have suggested writing to the mods of the forum you both use, I think it's a good idea since he might be doing similar stuff to other female users.
Damn what a creepy man!

holdthewine · 13/10/2017 17:44

OP did you alert some people in real life about this situation? I’d like to feel people in your halls and your tutor were aware in case he has the audacity to pitch up. Just as a safeguarding measure. It might be a good plan to call the Suzy Lamplugh trust for advice.

Also can you make a code with someone (your mum?) that if you put a certain word in a text you’re in trouble? I did this with my DCs when they were online dating and they always told me or each other where and when.

Hopefully you will hear no more but I am worried for you. If he turns up do not be polite! Can you not be alone?

holdthewine · 13/10/2017 17:45

Ah just seen you’ve told room mates - all
good and very sensible.

TemptressofWaikiki · 13/10/2017 17:49

So glad OP that you got mostly great advice and stood your ground. As for him trying to guilt-trip you over spending money on a flight and hotel etc to come to your town without any actual firm agreement, can just imagine that this would then be further used to blackmail you for sex post dinner, like ‘I came all this way and went to so much effort and expense blablabla…’ Next move would then be to get more forceful and accuse you of leading him on. Someone earlier suggested for you to contact the site/forum or whatever hobby group where you first come across this creep and let them know that he might be targeting young women in an inappropriate way and to warn them. I would really second that!

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 17:56

Thanks everyone, I'll fire off a quick email to the moderators of the forum, in case he does still use it etc.

He replied with a really strange sort of rant, basically saying that he -had- mentioned coming to see me and that I -hadn't- mentioned being busy then so I must be trying to fob him off!

I asked if he was alluding to the one conversation where he had said maybe we should meet, and I had said no because I had no time/spent breaks with my family, and he responded:

'Whatever...if you can't/don't want to meet then you can't/don't.'

OP posts:
nauticant · 13/10/2017 17:58

Beware of getting drawn into a discussion with him OP. If you do respond, and I don't think you should, say nothing other than:

Do not contact me again

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 18:02

I won't be responding, I think I made it all clear and his last message to me really does hit home that he's being unreasonable about it, trying to pull me in to defend that I actually am busy and don't want to hurt his feelings etc.

Not that I'll be telling him this, but I'm actually volunteering with a cat sanctuary this weekend so I'm very sure I'm actually busy! Although it's more,

Can't+Don't want to meet him than can't/or/won't!

OP posts:
StormTreader · 13/10/2017 18:02

"and front desk (if there's even anyone there) wouldn't let a strange 52 year old man into the premises without a specific reason (We checked)."

It might also be worth specifically warning them "This person has been harassing me and has threatened to force entry here to see me, I am not expecting ANY adult visitors this weekend, so please do not let anyone in".
He knows your name, he could well turn up claiming to be your dad/uncle/brother and wanting them to not check because he wants to "surprise you".

I think I would actually stay somewhere else, with a friend etc who does not live in halls if its at all possible.

SleepFreeZone · 13/10/2017 18:07

God he sounds scarily persistent doesn't he. I agree about blocking him at this point and if he does appear trying to track him down then it's a police matter at that point no?

I guess you could make it extremely clear that he was an online friend only. It was never your intention to meet up - in the same way that you wouldn't plan to meet any of the people you conversed with through forums or messenger on a daily basis. His behaviour is now scaring you and you would appreciate him ceasing contact at this point or you'll have to consider reporting him for harassment. Then block. Plus get the hell out of town on the weekend he's planning to visit incase he comes anyway in the hope it might bump into you.

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