How do I dodge this date? Is it even a date? Help!

[Slaylormoon]

Long time lurker, first time poster in this topic, looking to anyone who has more experience than I do that can shed some light on how to proceed with this situation.

I'll try not to drip feed!
I am 22, attending University [late starter, worked in retail after dropping out of my A levels then eventually got accepted to University after a one year HE Access course]
The Uni is in the UK but not my home country iyswim, so I don't have a lot of immediate friends or any family to turn to about this, and we're not that close anyway.

At the beginning of the year I came into contact with a man considerably older than me, [52] on a forum about a mutual hobby, and we exchanged general chitchat before finding out each other's names, ages etc. He seemed very laid back and not at all pushy which was nice, but I was very surprised when he asked my birthday and then commented he'd been a practising lawyer since I was 2!

I'm fairly open minded and it's not the sort of hobby it would be unusual to find a mix of ages interested in [cooking related] so it didn't phase me and we continued to exchange very casual messages, first on the forum but after on the KiK messaging app.

All continued as usual, he would usually initiate messaging and I'm not always the fastest to reply but we would have normal conversations, what we had for tea, what was good on netflix etc, but nothing deep or revealing. He once mentioned that maybe we should meet up at some point but I told him I was too focused on University having finally got to this point and didn't think I would have time during my breaks as I usually fly home and spend time with my family.

Until today, when by chance I check the app and see I have three unread messages from him.

The first said: "I've booked a bit of time off over the weekend, how about I make that visit we spoke about?" (We!?)

The second message, sent an hour after the first said: "I'll have a look at flights, and let you know if it's reasonable (:"

Fourty minutes after the second message, he sent: "All done and booked! Premier Inn for Saturday night, best get a move on and book a place for dinner Missy!"

Now, I'm diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and thus do admit I have a diminished awareness at times regarding social situations, but reading back every message we've exchanged I can't fathom how I have led him on in any way, or hinted that I wanted a relationship with his man. I have always been polite, jokey but not flirtatious, I wouldn't even really know how to start flirting with someone!

He has never called me 'Missy' or acted this strangely before so I thought perhaps he had messaged the wrong person, but after asking him if he was serious it seems he actually -has- on a mad whim booked a hotel, presumably just for him, but worst case scenario he expects to get me in it, doesn't he?

I've spent hours laying in bed now trying to draft a succinct but not unkind message that will get me out of this, I already have plans on the weekend and even if I was free, I don't think I would feel comfortable on a date with a 52 year old, he's older than my own father. It just feels very forced and like maybe he thinks I'll just go along with it?

If anyone wiser than me can come up with something, I'd be incredibly grateful. I was pretty sure he was just a genuine friendly person, but surely him booking a stay in a town he's never been to before, in a country he's never set foot in, to meet a 22 year old vulnerable adult is a red flag?

I like Lillys message. Polite and to the point. Don’t think about his feelings. He hasn’t bothered with yours.

That's very creepy of him and I would be very worried about his intentions. I would cut all contact other than very firm leave me alone type messages.

He wouldn't be able to find your halls of residence would he? I would definitely tell some people for your protection. If you get the slightest hint he will try and find you call the police and let your university know especially if there is someone who admits people into the halls. I suspect he may not give up easily.

What a predatory creep! Don't try to be kind to spare his feelings, he knows full well that his tactics are designed to railroad you into a situation you aren't comfortable with but will be too awkward or naiive to escape from. He will pretend to be shocked and disappointed that you are accusing his of predatory creepy behaviour. That will be an act, calculated to guilt trip you and trigger your kindness and good nature into being manipulated for his benefit.

There are a lot of good suggestions for responses already. I agree with you op that inventing a fake boyfriend to have prior claim on you is not the way to go. I also think that keeping your reply to being unavailable that weekend is insufficient as it carries the implication that he will be welcome to be creepy and inappropriate on a different occasion.

It is OK to be blunt and tell him straight. "Your messages have suddenly become creepy. I have no interest in and have never agreed to meeting up with you one-to-one. Please don't contact me again."

I agree with others that he will rely on you being polite to get you to his hotel room.

Tell him you will not be meeting him.

I would just block him! If you're on Kik then I assume you haven't even swapped actual numbers so it isn't like he could trace you

You absolutely don't owe this man anything! What a bloody creep! Lilys message was perfect. If you don't make it absolutely clear you don't ever want to see him he will keep pushing you

No no no ignore every single bit of sykadelic's post it's terrible advice. It's placating, infantilising, misleading nonsense. You are NOT obliged to meet a man you don't want to meet, you didn't invite and who creeps you out and you certainly aren't obliged to arrange his time for him!

He sounds like a chancing, predatory old creep. For the love of god op dont talk to him anymore and protect yourself.

Well said Adalind.

If he messages again, re meeting, I would just say you were only ever interested in chatting on the forum and never expected to actually meet up with anyone. You could also say you are uncomfortable about meeting people off the net in real life and prefer socialising in large groups of people your own age.

He is a complete predator. He is taking advantage of your politeness to railroad you into meeting and attempt to guilt you into meeting / having sex with him. You don't owe him anything and he's really crossed a line now.

If he messages again then send something like kunilos message above "Your messages have suddenly become creepy. I have no interest in and have never agreed to meeting up with you one-to-one. Please don't contact me again." then block him. I'm so angry on your behalf!

Also wtf sykadelic ? Why should the OP agree to meet this randomer just because he wants a friend? "I don't think it's a date and I wouldn't treat it like a date. He hasn't asked you to date him, he's asked to have dinner with you." Yes, because men always call a spade a spade and say "this is a date. I'm interested in you" so you know exactly where you stand and can easily refuse.

I believe I have AS and when I was younger someone saying "it's not a date" would convince little naïve me to go along, luckily as you get older you become more streetwise and can pick up clues more.

Good luck OP

OP - you've absolutely done the right thing. His behaviour has been very predatory. Something I just want to add - was one of the reasons you were comfortable with exchanging messages with him because he'd led you to believe he was a 'trustworthy' and 'responsible' solicitor? As I always say about online dating (I realise you didn't meet this way but it's analogous) do bear in mind that anyone you meet online is a stranger writing their own story. He might be a solicitor but there's a good chance he's not. Don't let him talk you into meeting up even for a drink. I'm speaking as a cynical 51 year old female!

Bloody hell, he’s a bit presumptuous isn’t he! Sounds like a crack pot! If you want to be polite about it I’d say something like;

Hi, sorry you’ve booked a hotel room for the weekend, but I’ve already got plans. I enjoy talking to you but thought we were just friends? Hope you understand and you don’t lose any money on the hotel.

He might just be a lonely guy who wants to meet up but I’d just maybe leave it there, it’s very strange that he’s booked the room and expecting you to do something at the drop of a hat! Hope it gets sorted xxx

Eww how gross! I would send him a very clear message that at no pint do you want to meet with him, block and move on.

Agree with pp. You do need to make it clear if he contacts you again that you have no intention of ever meeting up with him. If you want to be polite you could just say the age gap is too much for you.
Being charitable, the weirdness could have been the result of too much drink and maybe on reflection he will realise how inapproproiate he has been.

Tell him your parents are visiting for the weekend! That should see him off. You also need to make it very clear that you are not interested in a relationship with him and have a boyfriend. Then block him. Don't feel guilty. This creepy beyond words.

I'm actually appalled at some of the responses on here.

People, and women in particular, with ASDs are vulnerable. Vulnerable for many reasons. In this situation, we are vulnerable because we tend to take people at face value and trust that they are who they say they are for the reasons they say (eg. "It's not a date"). We are also vulnerable because we 'catch on' later than other women when this turns out not to be the case. We are vulnerable, because when we do realise, we find it difficult to handle the situation, especially if it becomes overwhelming and we feel anxious.

This is a clearly predatory man; there is no reason whatsoever that a 52 year old man wants an equal and mutual platonic friendship with such a young, woman. Just none.

And yet there are WOMEN on here advising the OP to meet him anyway, or be polite in her response, in order to protect his feelings.

There is NO need at all for her to invent a boyfriend who already has a claim to ownership of her (well done OP for realising that); nor is there any reason to make an excuse and make the 'issue' hers by pretending she is only comfortable socialising in larger groups (esp when AS means that's probably utter bollocks!). She, and we, and every one of us needs to throw the problem back to these men as being theirs!

“We didn’t discuss you coming to visit. You suggested it and I declined. That still stands. I’m not going to have dinner with you, nor meet up, and it was extremely presumptuous of you to book a flight without waiting to hear if I wanted you to come.”

This is a good response, not because it is 'polite' (ffs), but because it is assertive and tells him, in no uncertain terms, that his behaviour was wrong and and unwelcome. I'd also add "do not contact me again" to the bottom of it. He knows what he is doing. He isn't a misguided, naive, hapless chap who just got a bit mixed up. And we should stop treating predatory men as though they just misread the signals.

It's the sort of response I'd have been unable to send at 22, but would have no problem sending at 42.

I wouldn't send the "creepy" message either. It sounds very young and girly, which is probably the attraction in the first place. Communicate with these men in the way that they understand - direct and to the point.

Oh and not a single message to him needs to include the word "sorry".

You have done nothing to be sorry for.

Please tell someone in real life about this. Ideally someone at university. Just for your own protection. Can you genuinely go away this weekend too? Just in case he walks around looking for you. You have done nothing wrong!

Excellent post Schmoopy, I agree with every word.
You owe this guy absolutely nothing at all, certainly not an invented boyfriend or an apology.
A brief message and a swift blocking would be my suggestion.
Take care OP.

He is predatory. Sounds like he's been grooming you and because you are a lovely friendly person he thought he could bully you into meeting and then goodness knows what.

This is an unsafe situation. You know nothing about him. Sarah's law, Clare's law.

Don't meet him. And I don't think you should message with him anymore either. Speak to one of the student reps on compass about it. Enjoy uni. You've worked really hard to get there.

What an utter weirdo!!! Who books a flight to see someone they hardly know, without getting the ok from them first? Especially as here you'd actually already said no!! He's definitely trying to force you into feeling like you have to meet him because he's got the tickets no, I'm so glad you didn't do it! Also 👏👏👏 to you for not inventing a boyfriend for exactly the reasons you said.

Schmoopy is so right. I am such a people pleaser and, when younger, found it very hard to be sufficiently direct. You need to be completely unambiguous.
"I never said that I wanted you to visit. It is not appropriate and I do not feel comfortable. I am not going to meet you."
Be strong and do not second guess yourself. You have no reason to feel guilty about this. Listen to your instincts. Trust yourself and not this man.

Just - who does this? Honestly, whatever happens now, you need to block him on ALL accounts/medias/emails as he has overstepped the mark.

And yes, go see one of the uni staff for support. Men - they just don't know when to fucking stop do they?

Good on you stayformoon

You have indeed done nothing, absolutely nothing to deserve or invite this behaviour. I'm glad you have told him this straight, being clear that it is your own decision and not tried to hide behind excuses. Not a bad idea to mention it to someone, is there a welfare officer around campus anywhere?

Social media may bring this kind of thing to the fore, but the type of behaviour has been with us for a long time. Being clear that you are just not interested, and following that up with showing no further interest, as you are doing, is the way forward. well done.