How do I dodge this date? Is it even a date? Help!

[Slaylormoon]

Long time lurker, first time poster in this topic, looking to anyone who has more experience than I do that can shed some light on how to proceed with this situation.

I'll try not to drip feed!
I am 22, attending University [late starter, worked in retail after dropping out of my A levels then eventually got accepted to University after a one year HE Access course]
The Uni is in the UK but not my home country iyswim, so I don't have a lot of immediate friends or any family to turn to about this, and we're not that close anyway.

At the beginning of the year I came into contact with a man considerably older than me, [52] on a forum about a mutual hobby, and we exchanged general chitchat before finding out each other's names, ages etc. He seemed very laid back and not at all pushy which was nice, but I was very surprised when he asked my birthday and then commented he'd been a practising lawyer since I was 2!

I'm fairly open minded and it's not the sort of hobby it would be unusual to find a mix of ages interested in [cooking related] so it didn't phase me and we continued to exchange very casual messages, first on the forum but after on the KiK messaging app.

All continued as usual, he would usually initiate messaging and I'm not always the fastest to reply but we would have normal conversations, what we had for tea, what was good on netflix etc, but nothing deep or revealing. He once mentioned that maybe we should meet up at some point but I told him I was too focused on University having finally got to this point and didn't think I would have time during my breaks as I usually fly home and spend time with my family.

Until today, when by chance I check the app and see I have three unread messages from him.

The first said: "I've booked a bit of time off over the weekend, how about I make that visit we spoke about?" (We!?)

The second message, sent an hour after the first said: "I'll have a look at flights, and let you know if it's reasonable (:"

Fourty minutes after the second message, he sent: "All done and booked! Premier Inn for Saturday night, best get a move on and book a place for dinner Missy!"

Now, I'm diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and thus do admit I have a diminished awareness at times regarding social situations, but reading back every message we've exchanged I can't fathom how I have led him on in any way, or hinted that I wanted a relationship with his man. I have always been polite, jokey but not flirtatious, I wouldn't even really know how to start flirting with someone!

He has never called me 'Missy' or acted this strangely before so I thought perhaps he had messaged the wrong person, but after asking him if he was serious it seems he actually -has- on a mad whim booked a hotel, presumably just for him, but worst case scenario he expects to get me in it, doesn't he?

I've spent hours laying in bed now trying to draft a succinct but not unkind message that will get me out of this, I already have plans on the weekend and even if I was free, I don't think I would feel comfortable on a date with a 52 year old, he's older than my own father. It just feels very forced and like maybe he thinks I'll just go along with it?

If anyone wiser than me can come up with something, I'd be incredibly grateful. I was pretty sure he was just a genuine friendly person, but surely him booking a stay in a town he's never been to before, in a country he's never set foot in, to meet a 22 year old vulnerable adult is a red flag?

Op you’ve done the right thing, he’s obviously trying to manipulate you. No male friend of mine would text saying ‘I’m coming to visit and I’ve booked eveything’ without first checking, and probably double checking.
Although I doubt he has booked anything and this is his way of pressuring you.
As for calling you ‘missy’ and TELLING you to book dinner? He’s an asshole.

I agree with everyone else - apart from the poster who suggested meeting him obviously!

Block him on everything. Don't feel guilty. Tell other people in your halls about this creepy guy, just in case he turns up looking for you - they would probably assume he's your dad and direct him to where you live, in a worst-case scenario.

Take care of yourself.

OP, you're a little older than my eldest DD and I'll say to you what I'd say to her:

52 year old men don't want friendship with 22 year old women. As pleasant as your conversations may have been, that is not what is attracting him to you.
He is predatory and manipulative and cleverly cunning in the way he has set this up. In his experience, nice young women are polite and let him away with so much more than women his own age would. Plus, you'll massage his disgusting ego by being merely polite if you agree to meet with him. Then, when he tries it on, as he most definitely will, and you rebuff him, he will accuse you of leading him on. You will worry that it may all have been your fault as he is so hurt and offended.

He has zero concern for your feelings. Return the favour now.

Speaking as a 54 year old man I can add to the voices saying that he has one thing on his mind. Totally out of order. And as for calling OP 'Missy', just shocking. @Schmoopy has it spot on.

Uuurrgghh - how awkward for you OP. I hope you’re ok and have managed to deter him...

Well done for sending him that message. Sgree that he is being inappropriate and did not give you an opportunity to say 'no' before he booked it. You don't owe him anything and he sounds dodgy.

Don't worry about his response, please PLEASE block him on everything immediately. Your safety is far more important than worrying if you've offended him.

Tell other people in your halls about this creepy guy, just in case he turns up looking for you - they would probably assume he's your dad and direct him to where you live, in a worst-case scenario.

^ This is very good advice.

I'm just worried that I'll get a an influx of nasty messages because he's angry that his money has gone to waste, or that he'll come anyway and turn up where I'm staying (easy to find the halls with a Google search) etc.

Massive red flag here.
He wasted his money because he has got to know you well enough to know it would throw you and he'd get a slim chance of an in - against your will (but he doesn't care about that - an in is an in). Everybody knows you don't book unless it's agreed first, but he's deliberately decided to tell you he's done it (which I doubt) so you'll feel bad. Very cunning. Very untrustworthy.

There's always the chance he won't but then I didn't think he was the type that would book a visit so randomly either.

You don't really get to know people by chatting to them online. It can be so deceiving. It's not real life and can't ever replace it either. Take it as a lucky escape op!

Please don’t feel at all as if you owe this manipulator anything whatsoever. For all you know he is trying his luck with lots of young women, hoping that statistically, one may agree.
He will move on. Just say ‘No thank you, I’m not interested in a RL meeting with you.

And also, just to reiterate - his behaviour is absolutely not normal.

Im confused (and ive rtft btw) You are both from england but he has to book a flight to get to you?

Either way - its wierd, yes it could be totally innocent and he's just thought since you both get on well etc, but he really should have checked with you first - i wouldnt go and what youve replied to him is perfectably fine. Good luck.

Why is that weird midnight? Could easily be from Southampton/Bristol to Newcastle/Manchester or whatever.

OP is studying in another country of the UK. Not England.

So Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland by my reckoning.

Actually looking back at the OP it seems she is studying in the UK but her home country is out with the UK so it is possible this man is from her home country - or i guess he could be from anywhere given they have only ever talked online.

Midnight, the op says she's in another country. So they're from England but uni is in Scotland or Northern Ireland or l'Wales, hence the flight.

If you get any more messages from him (particularly if they are 'but I thought you would want to see me' an especially if they are abusive and suggest you 'led him on' or are a 'tease') then send him this.
'You have overstepped the mark. Do not contact me again.'
Then, if he keeps on messaging you, he can be reported to the police for harassment (the rules are that you have to literally tell a pest to stop contacting you, and only if they ignore that instruction does it become a police matter,)

You've had some great advice (and some not so great!). He is hoping to push you into meeting him. Don't listen to what he says, he has not been honest with you, and is trying to force contact.

In my experience if someone is a nice guy, when you tell them the truth, they are sorry. So in this scenario, he should respond with "you're right, this was really stupid". I still wouldn't want to have further contact with him because he has shown himself to be dishonest (saying you had discussed meeting in the way that he suggests) and that he wants more contact than you do.

He has crossed your boundaries, broken the social rules hoping that you will try to 'mend' them by meeting you, and is not someone you need in your life. You are better without him. So cut him off.

And no more "I'm sorry". You have nothing to apologise for. You have done nothing wrong. Not one thing.

Block him

Would love you to come back with an update OP. We are all very angry on your behalf.

Hope he got the message!

I think he's lonely and would like a friend

Bullshit.

If that was the case, then why not engage with other men his own age instead of a much younger woman?

OP as a matter of interest, what did you think was going on between you both? Did you consider him the equivalent of a pen pal? Did he have a mentoring role to you or perhaps a father figure?

He has obviously been trying to impress you with talk of him practicing law for so long. Perhaps dropping hints about his money, maybe trying to set himself up in a sugar daddy role? I wonder if you missed these hints because of your ASD 🤔

SleepFreeZone hmm, or he's just a predator feeling out the op for whether or not she'd give him any pushback. Are you implying that op should have shut this down earlier or was somehow encouraging him to think there was more going on? Because she went through their messages and still saw no sign of it.

Dh and I spend a lot of time with another couple in their small town (SW). We meet their friends and their adult child's friends all the time and often end up chatting over drinks as a big group. It isn't unusual for to chat with people 20 years older/younger esp if we have something (eg a hobby) in common. Sometimes we get people's business cards or end up being fb friends. I would not expect any of them to show up on my doorstep in London, and if they did I wouldn't think it was because I'd missed them 'dropping hints'.

Even if I'd chatted with someone as a mentor/father figure(??)/friend, if they showed up unannounced the blame is squarely with them. It's just wrong. Why can't women just have conversations ffs? It's a case of Chatting while Being Female, apparently it brings out all the crazies and you're meant to know which ones are mad and repel them at the first sign of, what?, being vaguely friendly?

Good grief! The fucking nerve of some people!

Well done for sending that response, do NOT feel bad for hurting his feelings, the slimy git

Op, this man is a predatory chancer. Do not apologise, just say no and block him. Unfortunately, they’re are a lot of them about and the Harvey Weinstein crap, just shows you how many of the f**kers there are out there.

He was trying to pressure you into a situation that was in his sleazy self interest. Given the slickness of his move, I’d hazard a guess that he’s spent time honing it and there is probably a trail of young women who’ve been subjected to this opportunistic power play.

Your Aspergers might have saved you from this chancer because it made you question your role (you had no role) in his behaviour, instead of just going along with it. When it comes to predators, the issue is never with their prey.

Urgh, what a sleaze.

arousing personally I wouldn't have been having lots of chats with a man I wasn't interested in romantically online, especially a man so much older who I had no real life connection with. So I'm wondering what sort of relationship the OP thought she was having, im assuming a pen pal role?