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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I dodge this date? Is it even a date? Help!

189 replies

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 02:18

Long time lurker, first time poster in this topic, looking to anyone who has more experience than I do that can shed some light on how to proceed with this situation.

I'll try not to drip feed!
I am 22, attending University [late starter, worked in retail after dropping out of my A levels then eventually got accepted to University after a one year HE Access course]
The Uni is in the UK but not my home country iyswim, so I don't have a lot of immediate friends or any family to turn to about this, and we're not that close anyway.

At the beginning of the year I came into contact with a man considerably older than me, [52] on a forum about a mutual hobby, and we exchanged general chitchat before finding out each other's names, ages etc. He seemed very laid back and not at all pushy which was nice, but I was very surprised when he asked my birthday and then commented he'd been a practising lawyer since I was 2!

I'm fairly open minded and it's not the sort of hobby it would be unusual to find a mix of ages interested in [cooking related] so it didn't phase me and we continued to exchange very casual messages, first on the forum but after on the KiK messaging app.

All continued as usual, he would usually initiate messaging and I'm not always the fastest to reply but we would have normal conversations, what we had for tea, what was good on netflix etc, but nothing deep or revealing. He once mentioned that maybe we should meet up at some point but I told him I was too focused on University having finally got to this point and didn't think I would have time during my breaks as I usually fly home and spend time with my family.

Until today, when by chance I check the app and see I have three unread messages from him.

The first said: "I've booked a bit of time off over the weekend, how about I make that visit we spoke about?" (We!?)

The second message, sent an hour after the first said: "I'll have a look at flights, and let you know if it's reasonable (:"

Fourty minutes after the second message, he sent: "All done and booked! Premier Inn for Saturday night, best get a move on and book a place for dinner Missy!"
Confused
Now, I'm diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and thus do admit I have a diminished awareness at times regarding social situations, but reading back every message we've exchanged I can't fathom how I have led him on in any way, or hinted that I wanted a relationship with his man. I have always been polite, jokey but not flirtatious, I wouldn't even really know how to start flirting with someone!

He has never called me 'Missy' or acted this strangely before so I thought perhaps he had messaged the wrong person, but after asking him if he was serious it seems he actually -has- on a mad whim booked a hotel, presumably just for him, but worst case scenario he expects to get me in it, doesn't he?

I've spent hours laying in bed now trying to draft a succinct but not unkind message that will get me out of this, I already have plans on the weekend and even if I was free, I don't think I would feel comfortable on a date with a 52 year old, he's older than my own father. It just feels very forced and like maybe he thinks I'll just go along with it?

If anyone wiser than me can come up with something, I'd be incredibly grateful. I was pretty sure he was just a genuine friendly person, but surely him booking a stay in a town he's never been to before, in a country he's never set foot in, to meet a 22 year old vulnerable adult is a red flag?

OP posts:
Charolais · 13/10/2017 08:12

Don’t make excuses such as ‘I’m busy this weekend’ etc because you will be leading him on and he will think you will be available for him another time. If you are not interested tell him that there has been a mistake and he took your on-line friendship for something else. Then cut contact. He is taking advantage of you. To him your friendliness is a come-on because he’s used to women telling him to get lost. Older men do not want to hang out with young women unless it is for sex. He is probably not a lawyer and more than likely married.

Please avoid anymore contact with this man.

User5Million · 13/10/2017 08:12

Why the fuck are some posters suggesting OP still meet him, to save his feelings?! No, OP, do not feel like you have to meet him, in a group or otherwise, just on the off chance he's a lonely old man who needs a friend. Hmm
As for sorting out an itinerary for him and looking up the weather.. really?

SuperSkyRocketing · 13/10/2017 08:21

Schmoopy is bang on with everything. The assertive response is the only way to go.

I can't believe some of what's been written on this thread, esp by sykadelic that post left me totally speechless.

Molehillfromamountain · 13/10/2017 08:22

I think other posters have said it all but I'd also be inclined to contact the moderator of the original site you met him on. There may have been previous incidents from the same guy or others.

AdalindSchade · 13/10/2017 08:24

Sarah's law and Clare's law don't apply here as the op has no relationship with him and doesn't want one. She wouldn't be entitled to find out anything she just needs to block him.

Roussette · 13/10/2017 08:26

I know this isn't funny but just imagining how excited he would be at an itinerary planned for him, a weather report, a promise to meet another time - he would think he was well in there!

Hobbies can bring different age groups together but that is IT. There should never be any more personal contact between a 50 something man and a lovely girl in her early 20's. Totally inappropriate and not on. Stick by your guns OP and don't worry about him having booked anything, he's a creepy idiot.

Onecall · 13/10/2017 08:28

Tbf I can only see one poster who advised meeting him as a friend.

Schmoopy · 13/10/2017 08:28

Men - they just don't know when to fucking stop do they?

Yes. Yes they do.

My son, brother, friends, boyfriend wouldn't behave like this!

This is NOT because he is a man. This is because he is a predator with an end goal in sight who is attempting to manipulate a situation to achieve it.

That is all.

orzal · 13/10/2017 08:32

He probably hasn't even booked flights and a hotel room. As you had already told him you didn't want to meet up then he is just trying it on by telling you he has booked flights and hotel.

Squeegle · 13/10/2017 08:33

If he does reply in a rude and angry way just don't respond. He has basically overstepped the mark, you have said no thanks. Hat should be the end of it. If he was sensible he would have booked flexi at Premier Inn and hence can get a refund until 1 pm on day of arrival! He sounds like he has got a bit over into this "relationship" , sometimes we all do this but it's not your fault and he needs to listen to you!!

TinkleWoed · 13/10/2017 08:34

Thank the Lord everyone has shot down sykadelic's godawful advice! Because if you hadn't, I'd be ranting about it myself right now! Couldn't have left it to chance that OP might actually take such appalling advice Shock

Listen to Shmoopy, OP. Hope you are rid of this creep.

Smeaton · 13/10/2017 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CockacidalManiac · 13/10/2017 08:41

What a seedy, predatory man. I can only agree with everything that Schmoopy has said.

AdalindSchade · 13/10/2017 08:49

This is NOT because he is a man. This is because he is a predator with an end goal in sight who is attempting to manipulate a situation to achieve it

Let's be honest- women don't behave like this. Yes yes namalt but lots of them.

FluffyNinja · 13/10/2017 08:58

Yes, this guy's clearly got some ulterior motives. Block him from now on and report to the site moderators.
However, can some of you kindly Fuck Off with labelling all men as capable of such despicable behaviour. It's not a 'MAN' thing. It's like saying men rape so all men are rapists. Utter tosh.
Also there are plenty of nasty manipulative women around!

hellsbellsmelons · 13/10/2017 09:03

That's a good message.
Hopefully he'll understand that you don't want to meet him.
If his messages start to get a bit odd or threatening just one more message to him 'I am blocking you'
Then do just that.
Well done.

chocdog · 13/10/2017 09:05

Well done for not being guilt tripped by this creepy man.
Whatever you do, do not meet up with him or speak to him.
If you want to send him a final msg something like this would do:
I am not and never have been interested in meeting up. Don't contact me again.
Then don't reply to any other contact from him on the forum.

blueskyinmarch · 13/10/2017 09:07

Well done for replying so robustly to him. It all sounds very odd. Hopefully he will leave you alone now.

TrickOrRuddyTreat · 13/10/2017 09:34

LilyMcClellan is spot on, you should have called him out on the fact that he basically invited an agreement between you that he would visit. If his reponse to the message you did send is either agressive or, more likely, pleading then send what Lily suggested.

I'm not sure I believe he's booked anything either, much more likely he said it so that if/when you either called him out on it or pleaded being busy he could try the guilt trip: 'oh but I've already paid for everything, I thought you'd want to see me '

Remember that his feelings are not more important than yours, his desire to see you does not trump your desire not to see him, him wanting to be closer friends/more than friends does not trump your desire to just be randoms who chat on the net. You are entitled to choose your boundaries and stick to them, it is not more important to be polite than be comfortable/safe/happy.

glitterfarts · 13/10/2017 09:53

I think you've done the right thing. Your first "no" was quite wishy-washy - almost an invitation to be talked around, guilted into it (“It doesn’t look like I’ll be available”). You can always add another message to the first. LilyMcClellan had the right idea:

“Thinking further on this: we didn’t discuss you coming to visit. You suggested it and I declined. That still stands. I’m not going to have dinner with you, nor meet up, and it was extremely presumptuous of you to book a flight without waiting to hear if I wanted you to come. I have no interest in meeting with you, ever.”

ArchchancellorsHat · 13/10/2017 09:54

Massively inappropriate behaviour on his part - and wtf?? sykadelic?? I'm glad you've told him no, OP, and well done for not citing the imaginary boyfriend. I hope that's the end of it for you.

KarateKitten · 13/10/2017 09:57

He's been inappropriate and frankly, the way he's done this is worry that he's a danger to you. You know what he's expecting. You need to put a stop to him immediately.

Message back and say 'Sorry but you must have the wrong impression here. And it was rude to book flights and hotel before checking with me but I'm not free this weekend and although I enjoy chatting with you online, I'm not looking for anything more than that. I think it's best if we don't contact each other anymore.'

nauticant · 13/10/2017 10:01

Sorry but you must have the wrong impression here.

I think it's a really bad idea for OP so say sorry. This implies she was at fault. She wasn't. The man is at fault and he will know this.

He doesn't have the wrong impression. He is trying to steer to the OP into feeling she owes him something.

Some of these replies are driving me mad. They have the character of colluding in a game which is all about avoiding "hurting his feelings". And that's precisely the leverage he is hoping to use.

Popchyk · 13/10/2017 10:04

The other thing is that he says he's 52 and a lawyer.

He could be 70 and a part-time fishmonger or recently released from prison. Anything really.

We already know that he has tried to manipulate you into meeting him; him lying about who he actually is won't be a big stretch for him.

NeedHelp1002 · 13/10/2017 10:07

He is most likely a total loser and probably married with kids too... what a chancer!