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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

custody

260 replies

marinemike · 12/10/2017 16:11

i just want a simple answer,Can my ex stop me seeing my child?

OP posts:
tiktok · 13/10/2017 06:41

I'm puzzled, mike. A new mother has a night out ( having arranged for her parents to babysit presumably). Why would that show 'what kind of mother she is'?

Tip: if you get a hearing in the family court, don't raise this as an issue. It will not make you look good. Especially if the court has already heard you asked for sole overnight care at two weeks.

TJ2503 · 13/10/2017 06:50

Marinemike - i am really unsure what you want from this thread?

You asked a question and IMO have got some very sound spot on advice which I urge to take.

Whilst I completely understand you want to spend time with your daughter she, as PP have said, is 4 weeks old and currently needs her mother. That’s biology.

Please don’t turn your daughter into a possession - put her first and think about her needs.

Continue to offer/ask for access. Document everything in a factual way, seek legal representation and for god sake start paying for your child. You can approach the CMS and open a case to make formal child support payments to your ex. Whilst financial support and access are kept as 2 separate entities in family court, judges do take into account ongoing behaviours when deciding what is in the best interests of the child and IME they take a dim view of fathers not upholding their financial responsibilities to their children.

Notreallyarsed · 13/10/2017 07:15

If you’re responding to your ex as aggressively and as angrily as you have to PP on this thread, then I can see why she’s blocked you. I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving someone with such a quick temper with a newborn.
You’re supposed to co parent, not dictate to her what is happening.

wannabestressfree · 13/10/2017 07:29

You went on Facebook to apologise (stalk her) and then- only then- you discover she went out clubbing.
There could be a multitude of reasons why she didn’t ask you to have the baby. As you aren’t together she doesn’t have to.
I had sympathy for you in the beginning. As I said I had a similar problem and have always given my Ds’s father open access (he is in the army so flexibility was important) but he really takes it.
But you bombard and come across as aggressive. This will be your undoing as no one needs that around a small baby.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 13/10/2017 07:29

Mike go elsewhere where you won't get dived on. Some posters have thrown your age into, and maintanece when none of them was your questions.

I think a few posters on here was a bit cruel and goady in their response. And as for "you're showing your temper" bit extreme isn't it? He used caps lock.

I don't think court is a bad idea, but be realistic no judge will send a baby for overnights. A court order will stop your ex dictating and being cruel like standing at the window with child laughing.

ferrier · 13/10/2017 07:29

In principle, I would say that if mum is happy to go out for x number of hours leaving baby in the care of parents then she should be equally happy to go out for x hours leaving baby in the care of op.

However, op, you have come across as aggressive and unreasonable in many of your posts so I can understand why she might not be happy to do this.

Pp have given very good advice on how to get access.

C0untDucku1a · 13/10/2017 07:35

She was 11 when your first child was born. 11.

Im struggling with why a man in a relationship with a woman would demand the two week old baby overnight on his own. Makes no sense at all.

Bubblebubblepop · 13/10/2017 07:51

Op this has really opened my eyes

2 weeks on you've already tried mediation? Isn't the point of mediation that it's a little longer term than that?

I would ask if you've gone round to talk and apologise but I have a feeling this is how your whole life has gone. Did the same happen with your other child's mother?

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 13/10/2017 07:57

bubblee I'm guessing his ex has refused mediation hence the reason it's being signed off and he's getting the certificate too apply for court.

count why is her age relevant when his first child was born?

FoofFighter · 13/10/2017 08:00

Struggling to make sense of this whole situation Confused

Tearsoffrustration · 13/10/2017 08:10

Just to let you know a friend of mine has only just started seeing his 5 month only baby for the first time - this was just before court action was taken - so be prepared for it to be a while

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 13/10/2017 08:20

foof
Basically his ex asked him to stay the night he said no can he take the child, she told him no. He's then found out via Facebook she went and had a night out and left the baby with her parents but yet he wasn't allowed the child. She stood at the window with the child laughing when he has gone round to try and sort stuff out. So now he's considering court action. That's what I got out of it.

Offred · 13/10/2017 09:48

So the timeline as I read it is as follows;

Around April 2016;

Op (42/43) and ex (20/21) enter relationship. At some point they plan a baby and start TTC.

Christmas 2016;

Ex conceives planned baby. OP and ex do not live together as OP has another child who is 9/10 and ex does not have room for them both. They continue in a relationship through pregnancy.

September 2017;

Baby is born they are still together. Ex moves in with her parents after the birth. OP visits ex and baby at her parents’ home on a very regular basis but there is not much room so this is difficult.

Beginning of October 2017;

One of them suggests OP spends full night with the baby. OP wants this to be at his home without ex, ex wants this to be at her home with her and baby, they are still in a relationship at this point, there is a conflict over this which leads to the relationship ending. Ex tells OP she doesn’t want to continue the current arrangement of him spending all his none work time with her and baby as relationship is over, they do not come to an agreement about what contact op can have (no details about why this is), op is very distressed about not seeing baby at all, op tries to apologise by going round to her mum’s house, ex won’t let him in and apparently laughs at him, ex then has a night out which makes OP very angry as he is not seeing baby at all and hasn’t for two weeks.

tiktok · 13/10/2017 10:02

The court has no powers to stop someone standing at the window and laughing, Kungfupanda Confused.

The best way, whenever possible, is to avoid court. Mediation is designed to avoid court and the attendant inevitable bitterness.

But if the court hearing goes ahead, the restrictions on either party''s behaviour would not include the window/laughing thing.

Offred · 13/10/2017 10:03

Is that about right mike? I have inferred some things I know...

I think the thing is some things that she is doing are not right and some you are doing are not right, most are understandable given the situation (living arrangements, ages, your other child etc).

I can certainly see why it would be distressing for you to not be seeing your baby after seeing her all the time then find out ex has had a night out without baby but that’s one of those things you have to try and suck up.

I can also see why her laughing at you when you were upset would also be very distressing but she is very young and possibly immature again something you need to try and not react to.

I can also see why if you were in a relationship she wanted you to stay at home with her as a family and why she didn’t want the baby to stay overnight without her when she was only 2 weeks old.

One of you has to break the cycle of pettiness. Since you are the one that has come here, you are the one who is going to be advised that it should be you.

What is important is for you now to be trying to establish an agreement about the contact you can have going forward as separated parents.

If you’ve ended the relationship very recently then it is possible you will need to allow time for the dust to settle first.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 13/10/2017 10:05

tiktok I never said court would stop that Confused
I think that was his tipping point, that's why he applied for mediation.

CockacidalManiac · 13/10/2017 10:12

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
marinemike · 13/10/2017 10:44

Offered yeah that sums it up

OP posts:
Offred · 13/10/2017 10:47

Ok so how has it been left?

Is she basically saying ‘we’re not together so you can’t see the baby at all’?

Original poster
marinemike · 13/10/2017 10:49

Yeah because I chose not to be with her,I can't see our child

OP posts:
Offred · 13/10/2017 10:49

Oh and what’s your arrangement re your older child?

Now you have split up and given your commitment to your older child what realistically do you have to work with in terms of commiting time to your new baby?

Quartz2208 · 13/10/2017 10:52

Hold on did you choose to end the relationship or did she?

Because if you ended it straight after the baby has been born and now want to take the baby overnight it kind of comes across that you picked a young vulnerable woman to carry a child for you because you wanted another child

Original poster
marinemike · 13/10/2017 10:54

No I ended it because she was always lying ,but I'm not going to go into that.

OP posts:
Original poster
marinemike · 13/10/2017 10:56

Offred older child from a 15 year relationship not same mother

OP posts:
Offred · 13/10/2017 11:02

No I know, just obviously you will need to propose contact with dd with regard to your other commitments such as work hours and contact with your son.