custody

[marinemike]

i just want a simple answer,Can my ex stop me seeing my child?

Larrygrylls the OP could apologise to the mother for pressuring her and drop the requests for overnight contact to see if that helps before resorting to court.

Offred,

I am not prepared to reread your philibuster-worthy long pages of purple prose (concision is a valuable skill). However perhaps you could point me to a single sentence within it that actually acknowledges the importance of regular paternal contact?

If your advice is clear (it isn't really), you could restate it in two or three clear sentences which even an idiot like me could understand.

If you are questioning my mental state, I think I would like to question your motivations on coming on this thread. Who do you think you are helping? Try to remember it was the OP asking for advice as to how to gain contact with his daughter.

Because you didn't give all the information in your opening post. We don't know what you know, only what you tell us.
So rather than ask let's assume he's a no account, deadbeat dad shall we. Easier than asking for clarification.
Jeez

look this has all gotten out of hand,,I as a resonable male Didnt want to sleep with my ex and play happy family because were over were not togher, but for her to stop me seeing my child because of that is not accepable.

Stitch,

Yes he could. And realistically he would have to. He needs the advice of a good solicitor, who would advise him as to the optimal way to proceed, and would also calm both the OP and his partner down, when they both realise that they will have to come to a compromise.

The idea that he should not be upset or should just 'drop it' are not helpful though. Clearly a father denied contact with his new born child will be emotional!

stitchglitched i went to her parents house to appoliogise and as i have already siad, she locked the door and stood in window laughting at me,ps her parents were in same room also.

Marine,

Have you been to see a solicitor? They will advise you of both your rights and, if you ask them, what a sensible compromise would be and the best way to achieve it.

Yes, it will cost money, but will be money well spent.

..or he could attempt to act like a rational adult in his own right who doesn't need to resort to the most difficult and long winded form of coming to an arrangement (i.e. court) and try to have reasonable and consistent conversations with the mother.

Court shouldn't be the first port of call, they won't even let it be the first port of call, it is mandatory to at least attempt mediation first, which will add weeks onto the process when he could be cutting out the middle man and coming to an arrangement with the baby's mum.

But you are still arguing on here that you should get overnights. Perhaps you could send her a text or email, apologising for pressuring her and asking for some contact. Keep it polite, respectful and child focused. If you get no joy then you can seek some advice from a solicitor but you will have written evidence that you have tried to resolve things.

CherriesInTheSnow and larrygrylls,ive tried to be reasonable and appoligise, but shes not wiling to listen, i have no other place to turn othere than the courts, its either that or i walk away for my daughter.

stitchglitched yeah im arguing on here as i need to vent my pain and anger, betting on here then else where.

CherriesInTheSnow ive also been mediation as she said its best way to go, and then she refused to go.

What was the reason you split up out of interest? Apologies if you've already said.

Thing is marinemike if you kicked off at your ex the way you've kicked off on here then I can quite understand her stopping access! You can't take a newborn away from it's mother overnight and no court in the country will give you that right until the child is at least 12 months!

You're old enough to be her FATHER and you're kicking off and trying to take a new baby away from a young woman who gave birth less than a month ago. Any court will see you for the bully and misogynist that you are!

I'm just glad that young girl saw what you were like now and not 10 years down the line when you'd bullied her into submission.

I think whilst reasonable, that you didn’t want to sleep with her given the relationship situation, you probably would be best to accept that the relationship situation also means you won’t be having overnights at the moment.

Certainly not without you both being comfortable with that while the baby is so small.

This is why I am advising that, though it is hard, you need to try really hard to take the emotion out of this situation.

If she is also creating part of this conflict you will certainly not help your child or your relationship with your child by allowing your emotions to also control you.

The emotions need to be dialled right down.

Sometimes you need to just grit your teeth and say and do things (with your relationship with your child in mind) that you don’t think are fair.

This is not just re fathers but in fact most separated parents go through this.

Being separated and coparenting is difficult.

I think Larry is rather naive if he believes solicitors calm things down. Solicitors working in this area commonly report that this is only true if the situation involves very high conflict individuals for whom even the smallest issue stands no chance of being resolved in the child’s interests without the involvement of courts.

Your relationship with your child will not be harmed by a bit of breathing space (maybe a week of NC) from the mother to allow you both to calm down.

Then I suggest that you try to use that time to think through how you can go forward resolving these things together as co parents.

If you try your hardest to keep conflict to a minimum and she doesn’t and it ends up affecting the contact for a period of time then is the time to go to mediation. If she will not engage in mediation then is the time to go to court.

If you jump right in to solicitors letters and court you will make it into a power struggle.

And if you do need to engage solicitors then use one that is with resolution.

Well that is a shame, sorry you are having difficulty. There is lots of advice on websites aimed at non resident fathers about self representing in court; this will save you a lot of money if you are willing to go that route - it is not mandatory to have a solicitor to seek contact through the courts. The court order itself costs £215 to apply for if you self represent. Unfortunately a couple of years ago they removed the right to apply for legal aid in these circumstances, so it will either have to be that you hire a solicitor.

It's only my opinion, but I do believe that in the specific case of a contact order, a solicitor might not be helpful enough to justify the cost if you would struggle to afford one and do plenty of research into self representing. The reason I think that is because a contact order is mainly granted on evidence gathered to form a CAFCASS report, and you will only have a few hearings where you need to speak yourself. You will also be asked to arrange a MIAM for mediation and attempt a session of mediation with your ex partner, however this is voluntary on her part and she can refuse to attend - but as long as you can prove you have tried (there is a form the mediator can fill out) this route, it can go on to the court.

The courts should also be operating on the principle of presumed contact - i.e. they will want to grant you access to your daughter unless there are any concrete reasons it will be detrimental to her well being. So as long as you have no track record of abuse and can offer her a stable home, you should be absolutely fine.

I would say as well, please do try to manage your expectations while baby is so very young. Consistency is key to forming strong attachments and short periods of regular contact with you will be much, much easier to cope with than extended stays away from her mother. Good luck!

Apart from anything else, why would she want sex 2 weeks after giving birth!!!!

Many many separated parents have had to grit their teeth and try to get on well with, understand the views and perspectives of and compromise with people they really really can’t stand for the sake of their kids and their relationships with their kids.

Unless a court order really is necessary you won’t even get one.

You will just have years of hearings, temporary arrangements, conflict etc

It really should be a last resort.

When my second child was two months the courts felt it was ok for my ex to start having 2 hours contact at a time once a week away from me BTW...

There was DV and drugs involved and so it was supervised and different to your situation I assume but if you are able to be on good terms with the mother it is likely you would have contact more often and for longer than if you push through the courts.

well said debbs77, at least somebody can see sense

Oh and I should mention that despite him bringing me to court it was me saying I felt he should have contact with our newborn, he only wanted contact with our eldest... so it was purely based on the age of our baby the 2 months thing and the fact we couldn’t be in the same place (because of the dv) and so it wasn’t appropriate for him to see the children in my home.

Jesus op. It didn't take long to show your temper and alarming level of entitledness. No you cant have a two week old baby over night. No, the only option if you dont get exactly your own way isnt to walk away from Your daughter. It is to go slowly and do what isnthe best interest of your daughter.

at least someone can see sense

What does that mean? You have received lots of very good advice.