Boyfriend strangled me

[namechange1224]

On Saturday night. We were both drunk. I threw a photo frame, small cactus plant on the floor and the sand went everywhere.

I was in the kitchen and he held me by my throat. Dragged me on the floor, my legs are all bruised.

I forgave him because he hasn’t done anything like it for ages and he was sorry. He wanted to know what he could do because we have these huge rows. They escalate from nowhere.

We properly made friends and I tidied up the mess I had made (luckily nothing was broken) - as it wasn’t just him, I had provoked him tbh

Come in from work today and he’s just acted like an arse. He shows no remorse. Huge row. I made his dinner, whilst he exercised and had a shower etc. He says I need help, which I probably do, but I just find it strange how he knows I’m not right but can sit and eat the dinner I made for him and watch tv whilst I cry upstairs??

I came down and said we need to talk, he just says I’m crazy, that the weekend is nothing to do with this. I just feel like he should be trying to make amends. and that strangling someone isn’t something that can be swept under the carpet.

I don’t know. Maybe I am crazy, he says I’m high maintenance but I just want a bit of respect

LEAVE HIM. Please. Please.
This can only end badly if you stay with him.

Please tell your boss.

I wish I'd been on mumsnet before getting with my ex. I didn't even know what a red flag was. I wasn't aware I was being sexually abused when I'd wake up after he'd used my intimate areas to ejaculate on while I slept. I never thought he'd go as far as trying to kill me, despite the broken nose and the increasing violence. I had MH issues and believed I deserved it or brought out the worst in him.
Needless to say the bastard was arrested for attempted murder and I'm lucky to be alive. I'm one of the lucky ones and you might not be.
Please PLEASE read these posts. You have been given some amazing advice. Tell the police what really happened, he is trying to manipulate the situation and has got in touch with them before you could. Been there too. He told police I'd had a knife to him which is why he had to pin me to the bed and punch me in the face. Silly me thinking what a good guy he really is, handing himself into police like that.
Don't let him do this. I know it's difficult. These men are snakes, my ex went to prison but still has people convinced he is completely innocent, because he's 'such a lovely guy'.
It's always recommended but the book Why Does He Do That? is really helpful and it really opened my eyes.

I assume you are going to be formally interviewed as a voluntary attendee regarding his allegations against you. In most cases like this where the police get (what appears to be) a counter allegation it will be dealt with as part of the initial allegation. However, if you decide to report him (which I hope you do) you are going to have to contact the officer in charge of the case against you, the one who's arranging for you to come in and explain to him that you are going to be disclosing a high risk domestic abuse situation including a strangulation and that you feel you are at risk and you fear for your safety. This should enable the local officer dealing with the low risk domestic criminal damage against you to realise he needs to pass this to the DV team for it to be dealt with more appropriately. Feel free to ask my advice as I am experienced in this area. You need yo make contact with the officer today. If you do nothing you will be recorded as the suspect/offender in this and you will continue living in this abusive situation where your life is very much at risk. Do it today .

What is stopping you from leaving? Fear? A place to go? Lack of support? Don't kid yourself that he loves you and has "done so much" for you, he doesn't and he hasn't. You owe him nothing, but you do owe yourself. You owe it to yourself to be safe, to be happy, to be with someone who can show you what love really is.

His actions are not your fault. If you really were so horrific to be around, a good man would simply leave, not put his hands around your throat. Do you know how easy it is to kill someone by doing that? Even just by accident? Would YOU do it to someone or something small than you, that you claimed to love, just because they broke a lamp? My dog broke my laptop the other day, I didnt drag her across the floor by her throat.

Where are your family? Do you have friends you can speak with? Do you have access to money? You need to be your own best friend here, so what would you advise your best friend to do in this situation? Would you tell her to try harder not to upset him, or would you tell her to leave?

Obviously you need to leave him because one attack is one too many. Once you have you then need to look seriously at why you throw things (at him?) during arguments as it's often said on MN that throwing things is emotionally abusive. None of this is remotely healthy.

You love him and you feel bad about your own behaviour

BUT

It is not normal for someone to strangle (hold round the neck) a person they are angry with - no matter what that person has done. It is behaviour that is out of control and dangerous. It should be taken seriously.

Agreeing with all advice above get your bruises/injuries recorded get yourself to police station today. Be brave do this for you for your future self to free you from this abusive man.
Also seek counseling and support from friends, relatives and do indeed tell your boss, you shouldn't have to hide this at all.

Strangling a person you claim to love is extremely abusive your partner does not see you as a person just an object whom he claims brings out worst in him. If this were true then he should be making plans to leave immediately.
Because he has assaulted you he now must face the consequences of that.
I know you are probably crumbling inside wishing everything could go back to normal again but living in a toxic relationship isn't normal.

Be brave free yourself

When assessments are made regarding the risk of a victim of DV to be killed, strangulations usually indicates a very high risk that he will kill. Don't become a statistic, leave now. contact womansaid or your domestic helpline to help you with your leaving plan.

I’m in a hotel.

He’s texted me to ask if I have somewhere to stay tonight and I replied.

I wish I hadn’t. I know he won’t reply and it’ll kill me.

Thanks for all the advice. I do believe he is a good guy but I think I bring the worst out in him. He’s done so much for me and when we’re good we’re amazing. I’m not sure how much remorse he feels for what he did.. I don’t know why but I keep just thinking about him bringing the police around. I think that’s what’s confusing me more than even the Saturday night incident. Why he’d bring police into a situation that wasn’t even anything compared to what had happened two nights before. I don’t get it.

I don’t know what the next few days holds for me. I can’t stay in a hotel again. I can’t even afford it tonight.

I mentioned it to some people at work but like I said lots of males... relationship chat definitely isn’t their forte :)

I’m regretting almost not going back. Here it’s just me and my thoughts. At least if I went back we’d be able to hash the situation out.

I bet he’s sat at home enjoying his free evening.....

Please please ring women's aid. They can help you and find you somewhere to stay.

Whatever you do, don't go back home.
Whether he is 95% good is irrelevant. 1 time is enough for you to get out in a box and this man is dangerous and has proven it. You might not get a second chance.

A good guy doesn't ever ever strangle anyone especially not the person he loves!
He called police on you for damage limitation for himself to save his own skin so if you reported him for any counter assault he's got in there first has it on file before you.
Extremely manipulative of him - he physical assaults, you waits for dust to settle ie waited for you minimize it and then literally pulled the rug from under you
He is controlling you through fear of what he'll do next and now trying to manipulate police to be on his side
He wants to make you believe he's the victim of you!
But please remember he isn't a victim he's an abusive man who strangled you

If you truly believe you bring out worst in him then leave him to find his 'perfect' woman don't return to the misery

sweetbell that’s what I thought about him getting in there first.**

I really hope not.** I can’t imagine he’d ever do something so calculating .... :(

Please read my thread!!! I can't tell you enough its not going to change AMD he will trap and isolate you until your too frightened to reach out. I know how hard it is.. If you can't bring your self to leave now called the domestic violence helpline. They will talk you through everything.. I have asked them all sorts of questions but it helped me work up to leaving.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2865707-Any-feedback-welcome-Is-it-time-to-bite-the-bullet-and-go

Don't worry about his free evening.. He is stewing and plotting and depending on you coming back to restart the cycle... The pace will increase over time too and it will become more frequent. I read somewhere and other posters might correct me.. But men who strangle are 3 times more likely to kill.

Right, assuming what you say about yourself is true, that you are hard to live with and bring out the worst in him (which is total bollox btw, he's just latched onto you and groomed you into an abusers wet dream)

But pretending it is true

Surely if you LOVED him, you'd realise that you aren't right for him, after all you are high maintenance and hard work ( and whatever other bullshit he has fed you) if you REALLY cared you must let him go to find his next poor victim true soulmate.

No you will doubt yourself and go back to him, this resolve of tonight wont last. You'll go back, Bruised, hopeful that it Will All Be Ok. and maybe just a tiny bit wiser, a shred of doubt in your heart that maybe all these strangers are right, maybe it IS him.

And when it turns out that we all predicted exactly what he will do next, maybe that glimmer in your heart will grow.

Come back to us, then, anytime, we are here the hivemind of mumsnet. Hundreds of years worth of experience all here. Keep talking, it takes on average 8 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. MN will be here for you.

OP imagine what you would say if your friend said that her partner; "was a good guy, he hasn't beaten me up for ages". As they say in Yorkshire, think on.

You effectively have Stockholm syndrome. The man you love doesn't exist, it is part of this man lure. After all men don't get partners by saying 'I am a murderous control freak who will use you and kill you when you are of no further use to me'.

namechange1224 I'm sure you never imagined he'd be violent and strangle you either

But yet he did

If a stranger on street strangled you how would you feel? Would you ever want to be around that person ever again?
no
Would you call police? Report assault?
yes
That is the correct response for every time anyone is violent

Protect yourself

Ring WA now, the line tends to be quieter at night. Tell them you're in a hotel and that you can't go back, be clear that you can't pay for more than tonight. It's terrifying, I know it is, like throwing your life up in the air with no idea where the pieces will land but you've come this far and that must've taken huge strength and courage, you can do this.

If you go back you will be here again, in a week or a month or a year if you're lucky, I won't labour the point about what could happen if you're not so lucky. You have support here and there are people who can help you practically, you're not alone

If you go back he will twist it all again. You won’t be able to hash it out with someone who gaslights. Your mental health problems are caused by him.

No loving partner does this.

Saying sorry doesn’t mean anything. And of course he’s nice some of the time. That’s the head fuck. You wouldn’t put up with constant abuse, but abuse mixed with good times....that’s when the abuse is excused.

I went from self harm into an abusive relationship. I left several times before the final one. But would have left a lot sooner had I read about gaslighting, abuse cycles etc.

I hope you find the strength to leave. Please do

Have you contacted Women's Aid or the police, OP?

Morning OP hope you have gathered up some strength to seek support.
You do know there is nothing to hash out or nothing you could say to stop a violent man from being violent
If it were as simple as hashing it out he'd never have laid a finger/hand on you then if words worked!
Toddlers are taught that hitting is bold/wrong this man is long past toddler age

The only way to avoid violence is to avoid the person dishing it out and then reporting him
Going back to talk to an abuser just gives him an opportunity to manipulate gaslight minimize and guilt trip you. Nothing is solved only he gets to do what he does when hes in the mood to do it.
And if you think its your fault then also don't return to him, let him be a 'betterman' with someone else who doesn't supposedly bring out his violent side!