Boyfriend strangled me

[namechange1224]

On Saturday night. We were both drunk. I threw a photo frame, small cactus plant on the floor and the sand went everywhere.

I was in the kitchen and he held me by my throat. Dragged me on the floor, my legs are all bruised.

I forgave him because he hasn’t done anything like it for ages and he was sorry. He wanted to know what he could do because we have these huge rows. They escalate from nowhere.

We properly made friends and I tidied up the mess I had made (luckily nothing was broken) - as it wasn’t just him, I had provoked him tbh

Come in from work today and he’s just acted like an arse. He shows no remorse. Huge row. I made his dinner, whilst he exercised and had a shower etc. He says I need help, which I probably do, but I just find it strange how he knows I’m not right but can sit and eat the dinner I made for him and watch tv whilst I cry upstairs??

I came down and said we need to talk, he just says I’m crazy, that the weekend is nothing to do with this. I just feel like he should be trying to make amends. and that strangling someone isn’t something that can be swept under the carpet.

I don’t know. Maybe I am crazy, he says I’m high maintenance but I just want a bit of respect

FFS, and this is said with love -READ THE THREAD, EVERY SINGLE POST. He is gas lighting you (making you doubt yourself), twisting the events, blaming you. Phone work, take time off, go to the police domestic violence unit, make a complaint, phone WA, do NOT go back when he is there alone. My bil almost killed my dsis, she was a twitching, jumpy wreck fir years, but at least she is alive. It is not your fault, he is not a lovely man, he is a mind fucking abusive prick.

Sorry posted to soon....he will do this again and no one, including you, can know that he won't kill you next time. Please ring Women's Aid, today while you're out at work and there's no chance he will hear you. It doesn't have to be with a view to leaving at this stage but just tell them what you've told us and see what they say

The kitten'll be dead by Christmas, you next year. Move out. Save your lives.

Please take photos of all your bruises and go to the doctor's - to get them documented and, more importantly, to get proper support with your self harming and mental health. Your boyfriend isn't supporting you, whatever you think. Report him to the police, and phone Women's Aid, immediately.

Please tell you work what he's done.

Tell someone. Anyone.

This isn't normal. Normal men do not do this. Only abusive ones. Regardless of their partners behaviour (not that I think you have done anything wrong at all).

Look up gaslighting. Please.

Crying in the loos

I can’t tell anyone at work. My company is male dominated. There’s no one I could say anything to

I know what gaslighting is I’ve told him he does it to me.

What am I doing

Nice, loving people don't strangle each other - even when they are cross.
He isn't nice and isn't loving. He is manipulative and unkind. He is abusive.
You absolutely should go to the police and talk to them about him assaulting you. They can provide you with contacts in the domestic violence unit. Go today.
You should talk to women's aid. You are at risk of further harm.
You should see your GP for support with mental health.
Don't put it off - even if he's nice to you today he will revert to violence and it will get worse the longer he gets away with it.

OP the police won't be interested in you breaking a lamp. They will be interested in your partner trying to strangle you.

You need perspectives on this that are not coming from him. What he is telling you isn't normal, kind or correct.

Please phone Women's Aid today.

Ok don't tell him anything.

But look up gaslighting. It's what he's doing to you. It's abuse.

You need to call women's aid or the police.

If you must tell work you aren't feeling well or have personal circumstances and need to leave or need some time.

I bet every single man you work with would be disgusted if you said your partner had strangled you. Disgusted with him.

Why will you not phone Women's Aid?

Just do it; lunch hour, get a sandwich, sit on a bench somewhere, make the call.

Tell them what you've told us. See what they say. Sometimes another voice can make more of an impression than words typed on a forum.

It'll take ten mins - do it

OP can you go home sick if he’s not st Home? Call women’s aid and get some urgent help

He’s gaslighting you - he’s fixing up a situation with the police so that he’s ‘got in first’ so if you go to the police you’ll look like the liar but you’re not and also you’ll probably have marks that need recording

Please please take strength from this thread, your man is not s man he’s a bully and he’s dangerous.

Is the house rented? Can you go home to friends or parents houses or can you get a restraining order out and stay at home with your cat and change the locks?

Beware he doesn’t use the cat as a weapon to hurt you, I mean by hurting (or worse) to try and control you - your story has made me go cold, please see through the fog and see this situation for what it is

I tried to ring Samaritans 4 times but no one picked up. Maybe I will try women’s aid at lunch

I feel sick to my stomach

I work closely with my boss, most of the time just me and him and I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next 7 hours.

Hello op I hope you are feeling better and strong enough to report him to the police and leave him. It is very common for male abusers to report their partner for harassment to the police. It is one of the patterns to isolate and make the partner believe it is all her fault. Tell the police everything and ask for help before it is too late and he kills you. Good luck op.

Tell your boss. Please. I bet everything I own he doesn't behave like this to his wife. I bet he would be understanding and helpful. And horrified.

Do you think he strangled his wife ?

The reason your partner is sometimes nice to you is to keep you in line. If he were vile all the time you never would have stayed. It's what abusers do. It's called the cycle of abuse. Maybe look that up too.

Op can you tell your boss that you are feeling ill and need to go home sick for today so you can sort yourself out and make the calls you need to make. Please be very very careful op. If you are planning on leaving please keep it to yourself. When women leave their violent and abusive partners is the most risky time for them to be seriously hurt. If you go home and get your stuff will he be there and is there anyone else who you can stay with safely?

I forgave him because he hasn’t done anything like it for ages and he was sorry

But he shouldn't do it at all, ever. Clearly your relationship isn't working , please find a way to separate and rebuild your life and mh without him. Do you have counselling for your issues?

Being strangled by someone who subsequently takes no responsibility is about as scary a thing in life as possible OP. This happened to me. How I survived I don't know! I think it was the fact that I collapsed and he kicked me and my airway opened. I am not grateful to him for saving my life though!!!! I left immediately after. He was still pretending to his family we were still together a year later. He was and still is an arrogant prick and dangerous with it. Now I am older I desperately wished I had called the police on him. I worry about other women that have been and are likely to be subject to his behaviour. If he had a police record that might change the picture. As you get older you get more kick ass!

OP it can be difficult to get through to WA on the national number (but by all means try) so it might be worth searching for your local service, they won't be available 24 hours like the national line but it can be easier to get through to them during the daytime. Scroll down this page til you get to 'search by region or local authority' then select your area www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

I'm so glad you're trying to get some advice, let us know how you get on won't you

Call women's aid and get out of there. A lot of refuges also now have connections to pet chairities who could care for your cat. My dog is in one right now.

I don't doubt that at times he's been a wonderful man that's why you fell for him. But strangling is unacceptable. Violence is unacceptable

Your mental health issues haven't caused this but they may be blurring your judgement so trust us as the ones on the outside looking in- get out of this situation

It's actually good you need to go to the police station this week. Please go on your own, and explain what really happened.

Your partner is all of his behaviour, not just the good bits. He's the bad bits too and the bad bits are abuse.

I still have problems with my neck, started by my husband thumping me in the throat so hard I flew across the room and got knocked out by hitting the back of my head on the wall. Necks are very vulnerable places... injuries can be severe and death happens very easily. So your man can be all of your and his excuses for him (not that kind of man, hasn't done anything like this for ages, didn't mean to hit so hard, only put his hand around your neck etc etc)... well, he can be all those good things AND yet you could still be dead, or horribly injured.

Just because he didn't mean it, or says it wasn't bad enough to do damage, doesn't stop you from getting killed. It really doesn't. You have to stop listening to him.

My husband was sweet, and charming and gorgeous looking, so kind to people. And he had his bad side I made excuses for, that he didn't handle anger well, lost his temper etc etc etc. And I blamed myself. If only I'd just shut up, if only I didn't 'make' him act like this, if only I made home nice enough he'd be happy. I thought it was my problem, I thought I had an anger issue... except it wasn't him getting battered was it? It was me. I thought I was nuts, he told me I was crazy, unstable, mad. No one else would put up with me. And I believed him for so long.

But of course nothing I did was ever good enough to stop the shouting and nastiness. Everything got twisted round and unless he said something had happened, I was left thinking... did it happen?

I was a mess.

But I got out (well, he moved out at first, then I moved and he doesn't know where I live now).

I'm not such a mess now. My mental health is SO much better. Living with someone like that really messes with your head. You think only he can help you, put up with you, cope with your fucked up head. But in reality, living with a person like this is making your mental health so much worse. Even if 'he doesn't mean to do it', it's still happening.

Please think about this. Really think. You're not safe right now, though you may feel you are, or you can cope with it, handle it.. so many women think that, and I don't know of even 1 who managed it.

There isn't a happy ending being with this man. I'm sorry, but there isn't. You can be so much happier, and healthier away from him though. And maybe make your own happiness? The world is good out here, away from the awfulness of trying to cope in an abusive relationship.

Please start on that path to getting away. Don't wait too long. I'm so glad I got away, but if I'd have left earlier, I'd not have this awful bad neck. Im disabled from it, and although my life is so much better than being in the abuse, it would be great if I could lift my head properly, or turn it, and if I didn't get such horrible pain.

He did that to me. But he didn't mean to. It wasn't 'that hard'. I shouldn't be hurt, according to him. But my neck couldn't obey him, because I was hurt, badly, and still am. I have to live with this every day, and he got to walk away with no scars, no wounds, no nothing.

I was lucky, I didn't die. But you can be luckier, and not get injured by leaving before it happens. Even accidents can damage you forever.

I hope you can hear me in your distress and hurt. I hope you can hear the other people on here too trying to reach out to you...

I didn’t say anything about the strangling but I have to go down to the police station sometime this week.

Go down to the police station as soon as you can. Ask to speak to someone about domestic violence. Do it straight after work today - do not go home, first. Show them this thread if you need to.

Good luck, OP.

Leave before he kills you - this will escalate. Do you have family or friends you can go to?

Do you know what gaslighting means OP? I'm asking because it's been said a few times here and the first time I heard it I had to look it up. What you describe is absolutely textbook gaslighting. You say he won't kill you but can you be sure? He clearly has no problem with hurting you. What does "I'm high maintenance" mean? That you disagree with him? That you get upset by his behaviour? Does being low maintenance mean you walk around on egg shells trying to appease him and avoid "provoking" him? That's not any kind of life.

OP,
Do you think that any of the 144 women killed every year in the UK by their male partners really believed that they would be killed?
That is 2 every single week.
In the US it is 3 every single day.
Did those women wake up in the morning thinking the man I live with is going to kill me?
I bet the majority of them also said, at some point: but its not that bad/it was my fault/he's under stress/he's actually a really nice guy/he really loves me.
You've had lots of advice. Please take some of it.