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Any feedback welcome - Is it time to bite the bullet and go

(73 Posts)
user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:05:31

I have been reading and reading trying to get my research to match up with my optimism/denial.

My partner and I have been together for little over a year. It is the usual, he initially presented as amazing, academic, intellectual and an all round really good man.

My personal situation - living and work arrangements weren't great and my feelings for him along with a little bit of his encouragement were enough to get me to make a giant leap of faith and move area and resettle with him.

We stayed at his parents for a while and then moved, we had a few arguments and I put it down to the cabin fever effect of living with his mother.

Needless to say things have dramatically spiralled. He began getting spiteful when I spent any time away from him. Hes response to my family contacting me was they were too needy... after several months of living with him i was realistic he wasn't the one.

This was compacted by a rather serious incident where he bit me so hard he has left a semi permanent scar on my leg through denim and leather boot. I found out he was using hard drugs and was just generally and looser and abuser.

My dad who ended up clipping him in the mouth after he locked me in at work and rubbed my face in the carpet which left me with carpet burns and black eyes, said it had been a ploy by his family to off load him on to me as they were fed up of him.

Moving forward, he was forceably removed and ejected, I got support from womens aid, had a lovely shared home which i could afford.
What happened next?... found out i was pregnant!

I am now seven months along and he has put his hands on me a few times, bit me in the face, walked out on me Christmas, been using cocaine and then denying it to my face.
I permanently feel like i am having rings run around me, I have offered to leave I have threatened to run away. I fear I am starting to look like I am perpetuating this, but I just wanted to give him the chance and reason to sort him self out.

I thought the support I try and give him and the motivation of having a child would kick him in the back side and give him some purpose. All i feel now is there is a waiting game for babies arrival for him to up the anti and really trap and control me.

I telephoned womens aid tonight whilst he was at work, I want my child to be safe and I have nightmares of him phyisically fighting me for the child if an arugment got out of hand.

From what I have read there isn't much scope for people like ths to sort their lives out. But if any of you have any stories of their OH turning it around please do share.

I thought as I got bigger he would start to realise the gravity of what is going on, he has a job, he goes to school and he has got me out of shared accommodation ready for the baby. but I still feel like its all lipservice and behind my back i am the running joke of a mug - the mrs. indoors who doesn't realise how much of the micky he takes.

I hope I'm mistaking tyranny for immaturity.. and when he holds his baby it wakes something up in his head.

Womens aid have given me numbers for a refuge and if i go i will have to go properly because of my fear of retribution, he gets so angry.

Ncforthispost2005 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:11:01

I'm sure someone will be along soon who can give proper advice but I just wanted to say please get the hell away from this abusive man as soon as possible (tonight if you can). He has shown he doesn't want to change and has no intention of doing so. Get some help from your family and/or women's aid and get away for you and your baby.

Ncforthispost2005 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:11:41

Also might be worth getting this moved to relationships board as there will be more traffic there and people with experience of what to do.

NameChange30 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:13:02

Firstly this should be in Relationships and not Pregnancy, you will get much better advice there.

Secondly, run for the fucking hills.

Keep talking to Women's Aid. Go to the Refuge. Run far away and don't look back. Get all the support you need to do so.

NameChange30 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:16:20

Also I'm sorry but you're living in cloud cuckoo land if you think he's going to magically have a personality transplant after the baby arrives. He'll get worse, not better.

Protect yourself and your baby. Get away and don't put his name on the birth certificate.

60sname Mon 27-Feb-17 20:18:06

Get as far away from this scumbag, as fast as you can.

SaneAsABoxOfFrogs Mon 27-Feb-17 20:18:21

I'm really sorry, I can hear how desperately you want what you hope will happen to be true. The realitu is the opposite - having a newborn tests even the strongest of relationships. You will be at your most vulnerable when you have your baby, and he will take full advantage of that. Plus, with everything you have said so far, if you stay with him you will start to look negligent by putting your child in harm's way. Nothing he's done indicates he's even trying to change. Please please please get out now. Once he's out of your life, and out of your head, you'll be able to have a much happier life.

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:20:32

I'm sorry ladies,

I don't know how to move it, I just saw pregnancy and thought it would be ok to post there.

I am sorry dampening the positive area for all the expectant mommies, I also get the impression its going to be a unanimous run for the hills.

Its a really frightening time and I don't really want to go, in my frightened child like mind but the up and coming mother in me wants to get out.... now...

I take it theres no coming back from this... and i need to stop looking for the man i thought he was, it was just a mask i suppose

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:21:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:26:21

MNHQ can move the thread for you, if you would like them to - I have reported the thread to them just so they see it and can move it if you want.

But no need to apologise for posting here at all.

Please do trust that mother's instinct to get away. I can only imagine how frightened you must feel but there is support and you can do it. flowers

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:20

Thank you, if MNHQ don't mind moving it that's great...

When I spoke to womens aid earlier they echoed what you have all said it is only going to get worse.

I'm 28 Ive had an amazing happy life since leaving home and travelling the world through out my late teens and 20;s. I never saw this as my future, it feels like my life has done a 180 and all the positivity and happiness i built up has gone and i come across as a silly girl who has made a selfish mistake,

I was so proud of being a singleton with no kids in my late 20;s because it signified to me that i wouldn't just settle... I look at my self now and just don't know who is looking back at me anymore, I don't wish my baby away at all, I just don't know what to expect having this baby alone... Its got to be the scariest thing a woman can go through... and really scary when there is a ghost of a person who could have been there and support you and share it all with you but they aren't fit for purpose.

One last thing.... I have never even thought about birth certificates,,, what are the moral/legal implications of putting him down as dad vs not.... Can i not put him down because that's the right thing to do and father unknown is not really want i want my son to have to hand over on his birth certificate for ever... it reminds me of trigger on only fools and horses whos mum put down "some soldiers"..

Is putting dad down giving him automatic access and put me at a disadvantage?

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:40

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user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1488224831 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 Mon 27-Feb-17 22:14:16

To answer your question about the birth certificate, putting him on it would be a very bad idea. This is because putting him on the birth certificate will automatically give him Parental Responsibility, legally this means that he will have the right to make decisions about the child, and he will be able to have power and control over both of you as a result.

You can find out more about Parental Responsibility here:

If you don't put the father on the birth certificate, he won't automatically have PR but he can apply to the court to get it. However, he might not do that.

Surely it's better for your child to have no father at all than a father who is a danger to him and his mother? A father who has already physically assaulted you and has caused you to live in fear?

whirlygirly Mon 27-Feb-17 22:26:35

I'm so very sorry you're in this situation but it's one of the most disturbing I've read on here.

He's assaulted and bitten you? He's an animal, not a potential father and role model to your child. I'd move as far away as possible from him. I hope your family can support you.

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