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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend strangled me

158 replies

namechange1224 · 09/10/2017 20:53

On Saturday night. We were both drunk. I threw a photo frame, small cactus plant on the floor and the sand went everywhere.

I was in the kitchen and he held me by my throat. Dragged me on the floor, my legs are all bruised.

I forgave him because he hasn’t done anything like it for ages and he was sorry. He wanted to know what he could do because we have these huge rows. They escalate from nowhere.

We properly made friends and I tidied up the mess I had made (luckily nothing was broken) - as it wasn’t just him, I had provoked him tbh

Come in from work today and he’s just acted like an arse. He shows no remorse. Huge row. I made his dinner, whilst he exercised and had a shower etc. He says I need help, which I probably do, but I just find it strange how he knows I’m not right but can sit and eat the dinner I made for him and watch tv whilst I cry upstairs??

I came down and said we need to talk, he just says I’m crazy, that the weekend is nothing to do with this. I just feel like he should be trying to make amends. and that strangling someone isn’t something that can be swept under the carpet.

I don’t know. Maybe I am crazy, he says I’m high maintenance but I just want a bit of respect

OP posts:
PickAChew · 09/10/2017 21:34

You're lucky he didn't kill you.

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/10/2017 21:35

There is no "main yourself easier to live with". You are not the problem. He is. You really must leave, as others have said, he could kill you.

Wolfiefan · 09/10/2017 21:35

He is minimising the abuse. That's what's it is. Nobody should put their hands on your neck. Never. For any reason.
The issue isn't your MH. (Which will undoubtedly improve when you get away from your abuser) Your problem is domestic violence.

washingmachinefastwash · 09/10/2017 21:36

I forgave him because he hasn’t done anything like it for ages

That once sentence speaks volumes to me OP. Please contact woman’s aid.

MrsKCastle · 09/10/2017 21:37

OP, you do need to leave, but please at the same time don't underestimate how dangerous this man can be. The most dangerous time for women in an abusive relationship is when they are leaving. Get advice from women's aid and/or the police and start making a plan for leaving safely.

You don't need to become easier to live with, you need to learn how to value yourself more and take back control of your life.

PandorasXbox · 09/10/2017 21:39

Every week women are murdered by their partners. Get out now before you’re one of them.

Butteredparsn1ps · 09/10/2017 21:42

OP please phone Women's Aid and have a chat.

You can do it.

Just pick up the phone.

Tiredmum100 · 09/10/2017 21:43

Seriously. Leave. Why would you want to put up with that. Sorry but if you love someone you don't do that to them. How awful for you. I really hope you find the strength to do what's right for you. No matter what he might make you think you don't deserve to be treated like that!

GrumpyOldMare · 09/10/2017 21:43

Leave him. Soon. My ex husband tried strangling me a couple of times. The last time he was violent to me,I ended up with badly bruised ribs and nearly blacked out when I hit the floor. He too said he was "sorry" after each time. Not sorry enough not to do it again.

This isn't a loving relationship and it's NOT your fault! He's the one at fault. Get out of it for your own safety and self respect.

GrumpyOldMare · 09/10/2017 21:43

Leave him. Soon. My ex husband tried strangling me a couple of times. The last time he was violent to me,I ended up with badly bruised ribs and nearly blacked out when I hit the floor. He too said he was "sorry" after each time. Not sorry enough not to do it again.

This isn't a loving relationship and it's NOT your fault! He's the one at fault. Get out of it for your own safety and self respect.

fredericapotterslawyer · 09/10/2017 21:44

He says it wasn’t strangling he just put his hand round my throat

Oh well that's ok then.

Hands round the neck/strangulation/whatever you want to call it is considered a significant predictor of future lethal violence. One study found it was associated with a six-fold higher risk of attempted murder, and a seven-fold higher risk of murder.

Four years ago, my (then) boyfriend and I were arguing, drunk. I tipped a pan of pasta off the stove and onto the kitchen floor. He took me by my neck and slammed me into the wall so hard I saw stars. Like you, I rationalised the incident later, telling myself I provoked him, because I threw something on the floor. Like you, I used to wonder why our arguments spiralled out of control so quickly. Like you, I had mental health issues: depression, anxiety, occasional spates of self harm.

Guess what? He didn't change. He became nastier, more abusive, and less repentant over time. It took me another two years to get out. But when I did get out, my depression and anxiety magically lifted. I haven't self harmed since.

Living with an abusive man will have a deleterious effect on a woman's mental health. They will blame your mental health problems for their behaviour, when in actual fact, it is their behaviour that causes your problems. Many of the women giving you advice on here are speaking from bitter personal experience. Please listen to them.

PricklyBall · 09/10/2017 21:49

Wholly crap, OP.

Your first proper boyfriend - so no yardstick of normal to compare against.

You moved abroad to be with him - so totally isolated from friends and family.

This relationship has more red flags than a communist party convention. Seriously. Leave. Leave as soon as you can save the air fare. Put it on a credit card and beg your parents to bail you out when you get home. Just get the fuck out of there.

LewisThere · 09/10/2017 21:49

When you love someone, you don't treat them like this.
If he had done that to a dog, he would never be allowed to look after an animal again. Think about that.

It's not you. There is nothing you can do to make your itself easier to live with. Because he is the one who has an issue, a really big issue.

A.so the fact that you are/used to self harm doesn't mean you are an awful person and deserve to be treated like this. Quite the opposite actually.

dangermouseisace · 09/10/2017 21:54

OP the only action that would justify him putting his hands around your throat/strangling is if you had been trying to murder him. Throwing stuff is not attempting murder.

No-one deserves this sort of treatment. Abusive people like your ex seek out vulnerable women e.g. with mental health problems as they get to play 'rescuer' whilst also having someone that will accept their aggression without kicking them out.

As pp's have said you need to contact women's aid. You seriously cannot stay with this man. He will continue to hurt you. You will never get mentally well whilst with him (in fact if you were he'd be off looking for someone else who 'needed' him). Stay safe if he tries any shit like that again please call 999.

Original poster
namechange1224 · 09/10/2017 21:55

I broke a lamp and he cares more about that than he does me.

I can’t understand him. He says he loves me but he just can’t.

Also thank you for all the kind words. He’s not a monster he’s actually done so much for me. Supported me, put a roof over my head although I’ve been on my own feet now for while now

I do need help and I have tried a myriad of ADs, therapists but they all just pass me from one to the next

I feel like I’m a weight on every bodies lives

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/10/2017 21:56

He is a monster.
He's behaving in a monstrous way. You are not to blame but you could end up dead if you don't get out. Do you have children? Can you leave tonight?
Be careful he can't see this thread. Or you could be in immediate danger.

beesandknees · 09/10/2017 22:00

Op I know you want this to be your fault. Because then you can excuse it.

I'm sorry though, it doesn't matter whose fault it is. Once a partner puts his hands on your neck in anger - even if he doesn't squeeze - you risk of being murdered by him just jumped by something sick like 500%.

Do whatever you choose. Just know that he's probably going to end up killing you. Whether he loves you or not doesn't matter - people, especially men, kill people they love all the time.

I know you don't want to hear it but if you want to live you need to go x

Iris65 · 09/10/2017 22:03

It's pretty handy that he has chosen to be in a relationship with someone with mental health issues. It means he can can blame you and you MH every time he decides to abuse you, and you'll believe him.
This is my experience too.

HolyShmoly · 09/10/2017 22:04

Also thank you for all the kind words. He’s not a monster he’s actually done so much for me. Supported me, put a roof over my head although I’ve been on my own feet now for while now

This does not outweigh the fact that he is abusive. Of course he's not a monster all the time. But his occasional kindness is not worth your life.

Your life is not a weight on others. Please seek support to get out of this relationship and to get further help for your own mental health. Please, please, believe that you deserve safety.

ParanoidBeryl · 09/10/2017 22:08

It's worth remembering that people like this aren't horrible all of the time. Otherwise no-one would ever be with them.

I'm sure he has been lovely to you, helpful, a rescuer. This means that he gets to feel good, makes you feel grateful and in debt towards him meaning it is harder for you to leave.

Gaining your gratitude is a calculated move so that you will put up with his abuse when the mask slips.

Voice0fReason · 09/10/2017 22:09

He’s not a monster he’s actually done so much for me. Supported me, put a roof over my head although I’ve been on my own feet now for while now
And strangled you and abused you.
The things he does for you aren't actually for you, they are self-serving. Just enough to keep you there to suit his needs. He doesn't have to put much effort in - nothing that would actually mean something to you. He can't show you loving behaviours like complimenting you because there is nothing in that for him. You are his skivvy and he doesn't love you.
Please call women's aid. His behaviour will never improve, it will only get worse. It's not you, it's him.

jojowilko · 09/10/2017 22:18

Dump him and never ever look back.

Bombardier25966 · 09/10/2017 22:21

What happened in the lead up to this, how did the lamp get broken?

There's no doubting that his behaviour is unacceptable but even without that the two of you sound like a toxic combination. Get out before you kill each other.

spudlike1 · 09/10/2017 22:28

You are being mentally and physically abused

SirGawain · 09/10/2017 22:43

He says he loves me but just doesn’t show it
He does not love you OP!! He has a problem and he is convincing you that you it's all your fault.

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