The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Loo update.
He's being quite negative and moany about everything. Totally different to his online persona. Finding it hard to establish any sort of conversation and he hasn't asked me any questions. Have a feeling he's not that into me.
This is awkward. Don't want to be rude but I'm not feeling it.

MH is Michael Hussey he has some really good videos on YouTube

Will check out MH.

myusername honestly if there's no spark I tend to say so - politely. Don't know if that's considered correct.

Isn't MH all about playing games?

User Make excuses and go. Seriously. Life is too short!

User the only thing I'd say is that my current iron didn't do it for me AT ALL on our first date. We're heading into double figures on the dating front

Well I'm home now.
We carried on chatting then he came onto me and tried to kiss me. I politely declined and he looked pretty upset then started ranting about how women always declined him. I bloody wonder why! strangest date ever and for the first time ever I'm glad to be home.

Purple - whooohooo on double digits! Sounds like it’s going well!

I’m having a rubbish weekend & feel quite teary. I’ve just discovered some (newish) friends are having an affair and have been lying to me about it. I mean it wouldn’t be my business if she hadn’t come to me asking advice in how to “let him down gently” and not knowing what to do with his affection because she was married & her husband was away and he was professing love. They were exposed after another friend ended up suddenly going to see him in the country & lo and behold she was there despite telling us she was away with her mum in a different part of the country.

I have spent a lot of time & energy helping these people out. I’ve had a seriously tough week in rl (think bereavement, being told we have to move because our house is being sold, work issues, my exh being difficult PLUS the ghosting) & they haven’t once asked how I am and now just feel like a mug.

I can’t condone an affair (I caught 1st exh in bed with a friend) and I don’t know why people pull others into their lies. Just makes me feel stupid really. Clearly I need new friends!

Just feeling really down about how people can act. God knows we see enough crap from people when we do OLD the last thing we need is it from our friends too!

Sorry you're having such a hard time at the mo PHOENIX
I've never understood cheating, I think that if people aren't happy in a relationship they should say something or have the decency to leave. I think that's much better than lying and cheating.

I value honesty and even with OLD and getting ghosted after you've met them, I would much rather they tell me that they don't like me, even better if they give a reason why, rather than be sat here wondering lol

My thick sink is back on after my month off dating and I'm ready to get back out there. I went back on pof last night and woke up to 15 messages this morning. Talk about new meat effect.
In my month off I've seen a bit more of my FWB and started worrying he's getting the feels with a few things he's done/said but know he's still been on pof this whole time. He knew I was taking a month out due to childcare issues. He text this morning asking how pofing was going so clearly already seen me on there, sent him a funny message I'd got and that his competition wasn't up to much. He told me my competition was non existence. I asked why that was and he avoided the question. I'm confused by him to be honest, we both know the boundaries but maybe they got a bit blurred when he knew I stopped dating. But I also don't see him as long term and thought he was on the same page. Think I'm going to have to ask him but I don't want our arrangement to end as the sex is great and fits in my life perfect. We've know each other 5 month now

SerialMistakeMaker agreed. I far much prefer the truth even if not what you want to hear. And as I like to treat people how I like to be treated I like to be honest with people too.

I have been on the receiving end of lies, games and manipulation. It hurt me and broke my heart that woman I loved could do that to me. So I wouldn t want to do it to anyone else.

I get that sometimes lies are more cowardice or selfserving rather than deliberate atempts to hurt but doenst make it right.

As long as you remain clear and honest with your long term intentions there is no need for it to end. If your honest with them it's up to them to decide whether to keep seeing you on your terms or not.

To minop above

MyUser at least he showed his true colours up front - that was decent of him . I hope you met somewhere public so you felt safe.

Phoenix I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time . Affairs are shit. The ripple effect on everyone else is so underestimated.

Minop it does sound like he might be falling. It's so rare to have both sides successfully maintaining the lack of emotion. Good luck with the chat.

User I'll take back what said! He sounds like a knob!

Phoenix I don't like it when supposed friends behave that way when you've given them lots of support. They're clearly not friends. I've ditched one like this. Best thing I did!

And yes, I think we are very near double digits for dates. I've lost count! I'm relaxing about it and he appears very open and honest. Now it's just a matter of getting to know each other more and enjoying the journey. I hope anyway. I'm also keeping a grip on myself as I will fall very hard if he does pull away or disappear.

Pip are you still lurking? How's it going?

Ooh Purple that's great - it means you're seeing each other regularly which is lovely.

Been yep, pretty regularly! Wondered if it was a bit of an overkill but we both seem happy with it

Hey everyone! I know I haven't posted in a while but wanted to pop my head in with an update about Mr M Hunt, as this thread saved my sanity about a month ago when I really needed it.

Well - your advice helped, and continues to help, especially around grey rocking and how to manage events we are at together etc.

It's going OK although still really hard at times due to frequent unplanned contact - he was really rude to me a couple of weeks back (too boring to go into here but it was completely uncalled for and left me quite upset as at dropped my walls again) which shook me up, then two days later was as sweet as pie again as it turned out he'd had a fight with the new girl. Then, about a week of near constant contact again which some days I was good at deflecting but some days not so good and get a sucked into his dramas, including giving advice on his new girl which is the last thing I feel like doing.

But I am better at not feeling too invested and am feeling rational much of the time. It requires constant diligence on my part as well as still confusion about his motives, but I guess it does not matter.

Hope all is well with all of you!

User he sounds like one of my dates, boring, moans and sleazy ☹️

I need someone to give me a shake and tell me not to beg Mr Mountain to see me ASAP. I'm feeling sexually frustrated, I'm struggling with not being able to see him have mouseburger for over a week. We chatted last night but still no date set. I'm going to go crazy, but I can't message him saying 'get over here now I need sex' as he will probably think I'm crazy and just after one thing. He's not really into sexting, there's been a few cheeky texts but nothing too raunchy so I'm thinking he's not a sex addict like me. I'm going to keep busy, off to work on a bit, must not text him

Well last night I established contact with roller girl to basicly explain that I wouldn't be seeing her again because ghoasting is not my style. I opened up with the normal pleasantries. Before I could explain that I was not going to see her again
Her reply beat me to it and let me off the hook. Remember I said our date was lovely but it lacked a spark? Basically not only do I share the say name as her ex husband but my personallity, politics and crazy theories were the same. Bit of background from what see told about her ex was he was a good guy but as time went on just not for her. So that's fair enough and luckily easily let me off the hook. I must admit in terms of a relationship point of view the fact she left a good man and a marriage (in her terms) was to me a bit of a red flag. I know theres no point being in a marriage your not happy about but marrige is not easy or perfect, he sounds from what she said a good guy. Im looking for equal levels of effort and loyalty. I dont want to be with someone who I was always woundering if they are going to jump ship down the line. Did make me wounder if she is cut out for a LTR, some people are not I think (probably over thinking things again). Her politics were in many areas more conservative than mine. But that that is important to me but I think it is for her. But I am really pleased she is adult enough to message and be honest about not wanting to see me again for the reasons stated. Big respect for that and for her. She is lovely and hopefully she finds someone a bit more suited to her. I love it when things just come to together.

The kids have been away for the weekend with there mum and don't come back till this afternoon. So I am picking up contract and we are going on a nice date in the country. If all goes well this could see me taken off the dating market. As a happy plus her kids are with their dad on the say every 2nd weekend as mine.

Lovemusic33 you really are in a pickle. A high sex drive can be a real pain. All I can suggest is trying to keep your mind off it with lots of wholesome activities (preferably ones that don't involve and inanimate objects that are suggestive in any way).

Hello everyone - long time, no see! Hope you're all well, and that the dating is working out ok.
So, after a bit of a hiatus from online dating, I joined okcupid last night.
So far, so awful! I'm an attractive, intelligent girl and have so far received 2 messages!
Is this the norm for that site? You know what it's like, you're usually inundated with interest when you first sign up!

1DAD I'm not sure why I am like this, was in a almost sexless marriage for years but since coming out of it I have a new lease of life , but it's no fun being frustrated. I shall try and keep busy with work, I have some painting to do which will keep my mind off things.

Dieu I have had no luck with okcupid. All my matches seem to live miles away and I get no messages, same with most of the sites you have to pay for. I get loads of messages on POF but most are weirdos and I have had quite a few messages on Tinder but nothing on okcupid.

And only 3 likes! It's so frustratingly slow.

Thanks LM33. Glad it's not just me!

I had a email this morning with my matches, all were over 50miles away .