The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

[Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Go for is 'serial'.

Yep, go for it SMM

MrNewGuy has gone quiet the evening before our date. I text him earlier today asking to confirm plans but have had no response.
We were chatting as normal up till then.
Have a strange feeling he's perhaps changed his mind.
I checked whatsapp and he's been online this evening

My refreshing finger is poised for SMM's story and 1Dad's happy ending (fnarr fnarr).

Having mentioned the tiger cuddler earlier he then messaged me for the third time. I mean three messages about 10 photos and eight words in total. He's blocked.

Oh FFS MyUser why do they make arrangements and then vanish? I don't get that at all.

So, here goes......
After 9 months of being out of my 14 year relationship I met a guy in actual real life!! We starting texting a lot, pretty much everyday, and used to talk everyday on the phone while he was on his way home after work. I totally fell for him. I saw him 6 times but all of those were him coming to my house as he was working here, we never DTD but we did lots of other 'stuff'.
He even said 'love ya' in a message one night. I told him the next day that it was something I'd been wanting to say to him for a while too but was worried that I would scare him off, he then said he's doesn't think he's ready for a relationship, it's a bit of fun and he likes me and loves talking to me, he also said never say never and maybe he might one day.
That was over a year ago and in that time we used to message constantly, chat on the phone, did naughty pics etc. He let me down lots of times saying he was going to come and see me then always cancelled.
I've told him about 3 times now that he totally messes my head up and that I'm never going to get to see him then it's best if I leave him alone (was trying to preserve my own sanity as I had fallen for him very badly). Each time he disappears for a while but always ends up coming back.
I've got to the point now where I've managed to unlove him but there's still strong feelings for him.i know deep down he'll just keep messing me around, even tonight he said he might pop over but then changed his mind lol (I knew he'd never actually come). The last time I saw him was a year ago when he was working here and I've never actually seen him outside of work time and I think that if he really did want to see me then surely in 16 months he could've arranged something.

I met him at s time when I really wasn't looking for a man or sex but he got me thinking that maybe I would be open to a relationship but obviously it never worked out with him. He also got me open to thinking about sex again and then didn't ever get to DTD with him so ended up very sexually frustrated which is when I then decided to try OLD.

Basically the short version is that I've been ghosted loads, met up with 4 guys purely for sex (something I'm not proud of but had gone without it for a year and a half). The sex with the first one was amazing, we got on really well and I wanted to see him again but basically he said he didn't wan't to see me again, didn't give a reason. The next 2 weren't my cup of tea so I'm not fussed that didn't see them again. I really fancied the 4th one and the sex was great but after a few more messages got ghosted again.
Now, 4 months after I saw the first one he got back in contact and said he wasn't looking for a relationship and was practically begging me to be his buddy. I of course said yes as I fancy the pants off him and the sex was great, so we met up again.

When I asked about seeing him again he said he was gonna try and work things out with his ex. I said ok, good luck and that he knows where I am if things go wrong. Then 3 weeks later he gets back in contact saying things hadn't gone well with his ex, so we met up again last week and had another great time. We were messaging me quite a bit and i sent a message on Monday saying i really wanted to see him again but have heard nothing since.
I hadn't been on pof since he last got in contact with me about 3 wks ago and was trying to stay off it as I didn't want to see that he was on there looking for other people but I caved and had a look and not only was he on there but he was offering night's away and was anyone interested?
Now I thought we got on really well and I know buddies aren't exclusive but I didn't feel the need to have any other buddies coz the sex with him was so great and I liked him so much, I was hoping it might turn into something more (see, I told you I get too invested too quickly lol). But I thought if it was me, I would rather go away with someone I know I get on with and have great sex with rather than a complete stranger and possibly wierdo that I'd found online.
I'm kinda hoping he doesn't get back in contact with me as I don't know how to deal with it if he does. I know I'd love to see him again but part of me is a bit jealous/ offended.
I'm so sorry for the long post but I wanted everyone to understand what I've been through and to get your opinions about whether I'm being stupid and getting too invested, although I feel that Mr Real Life gave me quite a lot of reasons to start getting invested, unless I really am too dumb to realise that what men say and what they do are 2 totally different things lol
I'm so depressed about the whole dating situation

So sorry that took so long everyone, thank you for bearing with me

been he was saying yesterday he was pretty nervous as apparently I'm his first date from OLD so perhaps he's got cold feet. Frustrating though. I'm hoping he's just been busy or something and I'll hear from him but I'm not counting on it.
Don't understand why people make plans to not follow them through. It really just wastes people's time and messes them around.

Thanks, Serial.

About the guy who was offering nights away - like you, I would a million times prefer someone whom I knew but for some, the absolute novelty is the turn on. I would try not to be offended by that.

If you don't mind me saying so, I think your Mr Real Life is an absolute cad. I am very sorry he was your first guy out of a long term relationship because he sounds like the kind who actively enjoys messing people around.

What would you like to get out of dating? relationships, fwbs, fbs, any / all of the above?

Just place marking x

Well I'm back!! Over a month off all dating apps, loads of nights out but not a sniff in RL so here I go again.

Back on tinder tonight and been messaging Mr Scotland, date planned for Sunday.

Messaging Mr scooby on POF, bit he's only 5'7 which is too short for me really... Shame!

Hi ANTI Many thanks for your reply.

Ideally I would like a relationship. I want to fall head of heels fit someone and have them feel the same way - does this even happen in real or is it just in films and books.

After my horrible experiences on OLD I think I've lost all hope in men. I had 2 that were up for meeting then decided they weren't ready (Why go on the dating sites then??), countless ones that I think are going well, lots of messages, sometimes talk on the phone with some of them, then get ghosted.
Then there's Mr First, who I'm beginning to think only uses me for a last resort shag, when he's got no better offers. I keep wondering if he'll eventually ask me to go away with him if he has no better offers lol or whether he saw that I looked at his profile on pof and thought oh shit, she's seen that I'm looking for any takers for my offer, I better not message her again. Or maybe he'll come back again for a last resort shag sometime?!
I would like a buddy or fwb but I get far too attached too easily. But i think there has to be some feelings when having sex with someone otherwise it's just cold and mechanical

Wow SMM you've been through the wringer and you've put yourself through it too to be honest.

What's the saying? If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got. You know that though. There's no easy answer to meeting someone and I don't believe you meet better people in RL than on-line IF you filter. On-line means that the whole spectrum of humanity has access to you including the sort of losers that you'd never meet in RL so you do have to filter.

That said do you know what you want from OLD? Start with that. Whether it's NSA, FWB or a relationship what are you after?

You really need to start from scratch but you can't be half-arsed about it. In all honesty do you think you're equipped for NSA? It looks to me like you're using sex to access a man in the hope he'll then want to run off into the sunset with you. Does that sound right to you?

Anyway first things first. Bin off Mr RL. He doesn't have any feelings for you worth being on the receiving end of. You have let him waste (and I mean waste) 16 months of your life, well 15 months as it can take a month to sniff out and bin a wanker. Take control and start NC now. It's not love it really isn't. You met him six times in 16 months. He's a horribly addictive habit where a smidge of attention from him makes you feel amazing and then your hope that he'll morph into the perfect man keeps you hanging on for the next crumb. He knows that. Never accept crumbs - that's a soul-destroying habit. There's a 30-day no contact thread on MN which I think has some really good insights on it. You might find that thread interesting.

Sorry if that's a bit of a bollocking SMM

Serial, are you in Scotland? PM me if you prefer

User - I am totally at the end of my tether with crap like that.** So frustrating!

SMM - I’m going to second Been I’m afraid.* You’re having sex & hoping it leads to love & happily ever after. Ain’t never going to happen. Happily ever after & suddenly falling head over heels very rarely happens in real life like it does in the movies.*

I would ask you not only what do you want, but also, what do you believe you deserve? Right now you’re taking crumbs from the table, thanking everyone for their generosity, and the lying down to let them walk all over you.* If a man says he only wants casual - he only wants casual. If a man says he wants a long term relationship & tries to f**@k you on the first date - he only wants casual.* No amount of you bending over backwards, being incredible in bed or over investing is ever going to change that.*

In OLD we can’t control the ghosting or if someone turns out to be a dick but we can control how we react to it.* All of us here have our moments of insecurity, or sadness, or frustration when things don’t go the way we hoped. But the key is for them to be moments that we move on from not things that consume us or our lives.*

What if you set some boundaries for yourself? Make them realistic, but maybe no sex for 3 dates (if you want a relationship) or that you delete someone’s number after dtd so you can’t message them.* Only invest what they do, match messages like for like. Make it harder for yourself to get in touch so you don’t get over invested.*

Dad1 Go you! Fingers crossed it goes well for you! Wish their were more guys with your honesty out there!

Omg. Bold hates me! sorry everyone!

I have my reply from contract, she is chuffed to bits. So am I, thank goodness I read the situation right.

Just to recap Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt I met contract on POF. At the time my profile was set on casual. We talked, went for a coffee. She explained that she was just divorced (like me) and was looking for some fun times with a good man before she moved away. So we sort of set up a fixed contract fling. As part of that she wanted sole rights to me. So I must of liked her (actually I really fancied her) because I totally cut ties with other women during this period. I mean I didn't have to what would she know but I am a man of my word, old fashioned in that way. Anyway she moved away started dating a man down there, strangely she left more an impact on me than I was expecting. Any way a month or so ago she made contact as she decided that this was her home and moved back. I suggested coffee and a chat that happened tue.

In a strange way I was almost hoping she would say no. I am a classic overthinker so to me this is totally epic. One I am fairly old fashioned when it comes to proper relationships. If I'm going to do it in going to do it proper. So to me this is a serious deal, no messing around. Two I have for the first time in years opened my self up to romantic risk. This is serious stuff now, not just something I can cut a run. There is a possibility downnthe line one or both of us could get seriously hurt. Romance wise the gloves are off, I'm actully going to attempt a conventional relationship.

Also I have a lot of ends to tie up from living the past couple of years with very little bounderies. It's been fun but is messy. Mainly with my FWB, we both knew this time would come but I know it will hurt her. To be fair I am sad too that it has to come to an end. I do think highly of her but for some reason there was just never that spark for me. Also a little sad that I won't have got to find out more about roller girl.

But all that said I don't know what it is but something feels so right about this. So I am happy I have been brave enough to give love a try again (if I'm honest my ex tottaly broke my trust, my sanity and my heart). But I am also very scared also. I think I am quite looking forward to being able to show signs of affection in the open. Simple things like holding hands in public (something I couldn't do with FWB for fear of leading them on).

Ok still nothing from him, agree my main difficulty is lack of social life. I moved to mum and dads home town for their support as I'm a Lp (didn't really get it - whole other thread) and I am not seen as a local especially as I don't have local accent. Very cliquey here and also the few friends I have made have work and family responsibilities

Unexpected night out - lots of fun but no dating potential

Serial you sound a bit like me in the way you find it hard to break away and move on. You let men mess with your head and use you, do you really want to be 2nd choice with someone's ex?? I have had one guy that I met first time I was OLD, we met up, the sex wasn't that great but I really liked him, turned out he was married and going through a rough patch, he got back with his wife and tried to make a go of it, 2 years later he's back on POF and messaged me wanting to meet up, I hadn't had much action for a while and thought 'what the hel, just meet up for sex', went to meet him, chatted for a bit, had sex and then heard nothing from him, he vanished from POF and I heard nothing from him again. POF is full of men like this, they are going through a rough patch in their relationship, they go on POF to look for sex, they tell you everything you want to hear, get you into bed and then vanish until they need it again (or their ex kicks them out), these men are not worth it. I would walk away and find someone who only wants you, someone who doesn't have a ex hanging around who they clearly are not over. Don't be anyone's 2nd choice.

Serial, people do fall in love with each other and someone may well fall in love with you. but it won't be any of the men you've dealt with so far.

1Dad - congrats that’s such good news for you. Be gentle with your FWB as this is really going to hurt her. But look at you - not on the thread too long before it worked out! Sounds like she’s a good one - enjoy!

1DAD, so happy for you. I feel like you are an example of how things can work out if you have good boundaries, honesty, think about what you are doing, and treat people well. I always try to behave like this but it sounds like you are the don.

Yay 1Dad I'm glad you got the reply you were hoping for here's to a happy ending (or beginning in this case)

I have a date tomorrow night. No name yet. He's been single quite a while but there's no obvious red flags as to why. Some of his early chat felt like 40 questions but I did say that and it calmed down. I've no real expectations and nothing invested so hopefully just be a nice chat.

I've got other irons in the fire, Inc a date penciled in to break one irons many year dry spell.....No relationship chance but could be a fun night