The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

AntiGrinch thank you-you’ve completely nailed it!

I’ve read about limerance before. It is a good description of the crazy in-love feelings.

Further update- I won’t go into details how I know this as I don’t want to out myself. But I’m now pretty sure he shagged someone else on Saturday night and he is avoiding me as a result. What an idiot.

I would just be relieved to know for sure what’s happened. But the radio silence tells its own story.

Yeah, and the radio silence is worse, because he is too cowardly to tell you the truth.
For the life of me, I will never understand people who think it's ok to string people along like this.
x

I know, right?
I KNOW, RIGHT?

Oh Ruby I’m sorry. I didn’t realise you were exclusive. That makes the silence even worse!!!

It’s interesting that some of you mentioned how much you like the early days stuff - I absolutely hate it. I’m good on dates and great at being in a relationship, but I hate hate hate the early, in between stuff. I’m just more invested and more open to getting hurt. For me that’s one of the worst parts of modern dating - you learn not to trust people or even yourself and when does that stop?

Dieu - I don’t think they think it’s ok, I just think they CAN the sweet shop mentality means you can move on without any consequences. And we need to remember women do it as much as men!

For me the early stuff is the fun part, when someone can blow you away by being into you. Later on, in a relationship, they are not into you enough, they stop listening to you or being nice to you. I loved it when a man grabbed my hand, I had kind of literally forgotten that other adults hold your hand - sometimes - if they are into you. It means "I like you, I want to touch a bit of you" and that's really nice. It's a surprise, and that's fun. If you've been with someone for 20 years and you really love them and they hold your hand, I am sure that is lovely too but not as a surprise - but I haven't experienced that.

AG I can totally relate. One of the best parts of early dating for me is the physical contact and affection. As it was so lacking in my marriage. Being exposed to it again felt like a flower exposed to sunshine, corny as that sounds.

Anti & Dieu - doesn’t that just make you invest more? Make you more vulnerable? I mean I love the touching & “thinking of you” messages but they also just make me think how hurt I’ll be if the person ghosts.

Phoenix, yes that is a problem. It's funny how these things work on you on a very deep level while rationally you are trying to put the whole thing into perspective. I didn't want a boyfriend / relationship (tho maybe I do now); but being with someone who just seemed to have decided that that was what he was going to be to me (no matter what I said), exposed me to all kinds of emotional shit I now have to deal with, because he wasn't really single and he was never really mine. (the funny thing is... I kind of felt it. he never felt like mine)

Limerence: a big part of it is the doubt about how someone feels about you and the constant search for clues that they are into you. Maybe it was literally the uncertainty - the hope mixed with uncertainty - that worked on me. I didn't think / know I wanted it, till it suddenly became a very poignant and urgent question whether I was getting it. And now I am not

Ruby are you absolutely sure you've been ghosted? I wonder if he (like my Mr. RL) is just a typical thoughtless bloke who simply doesn't understand the importance us girls place on regular, consistant contact?

phoenix yes we were (I thought) exclusive. We met IRL and he hadn’t been dating anyone else. In fact he brought up the subject of exclusivity by saying he wasn’t interested in anyone but me.

PM I in no way mean this in a conceited way, but I have yet to find a man worthy of me That sounds flippant, but I mean it quite seriously. I have a good idea of my own self worth, and find it hard to meet a man who can step up when required. My expectations are high enough, yet absolutely realistic, and I am in no way high maintenance or a diva. I give back as much as I expect. I am actually quite easily pleased, and a bloody good catch!
Yet I haven't yet met a man who doesn't let me down.
It's for this reason that I am able to walk away quite easily if it doesn't feel right. I have been the dumper, rather than the dumpee. Always with good reason though. The physical contact is simply something I have enjoyed along the way. My ex husband never used to hold my hand, and I enjoy once again having it held. I don't necessarily see it as a big declaration of something else.
Fuck, did this waffly post even make sense?!

He also didn't kiss me, other than as a prelude to sex. So you can appreciate why I'm enjoying the little things such as an arm round my shoulders, a hand to hold, a hug, a bloody good snog, etc!

Ruby - I don’t think meeting IRL or online differs at all really. Dating culture is the same either way & there are plenty of people on here who have been screwed over by people irl.

I’m guessing you haven’t heard from the coward yet. Have you deleted his number so you can’t text him?

Thank you all for the insights, altho now more confused lol.
Maybe I will do more investigation into bumble, tinder and pof first. It’s such a mind field! Think I’m also a bit apprehensive about putting myself out there especially as I live in a small town full of gossips!
Do you recommend meeting straight away or more messaging first? As I am short of free time/ babysitter issues.

eye Do a small amount of messaging and try and meet fairly quickly otherwise it's easy to become interested in someone you are imagining in your head.

Biddy good call, will give one of them a bash and see where it goes.....wish me luck and I will report back if I am brave enough to take the plunge!
Meanwhile I will continue to lurk!......as you were everyone.

Phoenix no I haven’t heard from him.
He was out on Saturday with someone very close to me , who he told me had made a pass at him a few days ago.
She is also avoiding my texts and calls.
I feel sick to my stomach :(

Yes, meet fairly promptly eye. A few days, and that's it. I remember my first online date, my first ever since coming out of my marriage. The chat between us was absolutely superb, and the humour had me rolling around with laughter in front of the computer screen. By the time I met him (a few weeks later), I was already a teeny bit in love . Only to feel a bit devastated when the day after the date, he sent me a dick pic. I'm not into that shit, he disrespected my boundaries without checking it was ok first, and I ended it (well actually, I tried to give it another shot, but my initial reaction had left him mortified). So what I'm trying to say is that too much chat beforehand can leave you seriously emotionally over invested before you've even met. Not a good position to be in! There is NO, and I repeat no, substitute for meeting face-to-face in real life. It's only that that really counts. My other tip would be to stick with local matches. A relationship - along with life's usual commitments and entanglements - is difficult enough at the best of the times, never mind with distance to factor in.

Completely agree with Dieu. The man I'm seeing now we started talking on the Wednesday and met on the Saturday. I suggested meeting but after previous experience I was keen to meet sooner rather than later.

I agree that it's too easy to get invested if you talk too long before meeting. In my experience if they want to talk too long it can also be because they are married (or in a ltr) and don't have time to get away.

Always best to meet sooner.

Hey all..

Love what are your thoughts on Mr Mountain this eve?
Phoenix and been what news?

I remembered something I should share. For the hilariousness factor. Bloke messages me, I think we're not compatible. I message him to say a very kind thanks but no thanks. He sends a lovely message back, we chat a la friends over a day or two maybe 6 messages. Anyway he says ok if you're not romatically interested in me but WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET UP FOR REGULAR MASSAGES? As in reciprocal massages. I've just ignored it but christ he can't honestly have had any luck with that?!

Ha ha! It really is a fascinating and scary insight into how some people's minds actually work. For the normal amongst us, it really does boggle!

Does anyone else get messages asking if you'll have sex for money? I get at least one message like that a day.

Ha ha couch that's weirdly brilliant.
I'm still very half hearted about dating at the moment.

I've had those before rosa