The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Morning all!!!

Thank you all so much for your advice and I completely agree with what you've been saying, have said to my friend before that Mr Real Life is like and addiction, I'd have a phone chat with him and afterwards be grinning like a Cheshire cat, then he would do something to let me down or piss me off and I'd go from feeling high as a kite to low as shite. And I've even used a similar analogy to the waiting for his crumbs, I said I was like a dog waiting for scraps of his attention.
I really have managed to draw myself away from him so much emotionally compared to how I was and I feel totally ok if I don't get to see him, although I'd still really like to. We used to do the whole pic/sexy phone call thing but I refuse to do that anymore with him as I think if he can't be bothered to come and see me then he doesn't get any over the phone perks either lol.

The only things I would disagree slightly about I'd the whole hoping sex will lead to falling in love thing. I originally tried OLD after i realised that Mr Real Life wad just messing me around do I went in there looking for a relationship. I had a date with a guy that went really well but I just didn't fancy him. I went through loads of ghosters and messer abouters before I slowly started to realise that OLD was full of them. By that time I was very sexually frustrated, thinking I was going to get it with Mr Real Life, so I was happy then just to fill my boots.
It just so happened that Mr First was right up my street and I definitely would've like to have seen him again. I feel like I acted like a bit of a tart and I'm not proud of it and each one probably made me feel worse about myself as most of them ended up in a ghosting.
Which is why I was happy when Mr First got in contact again and we DTD a couple more times, to me if someone comes back then it means there must be a reason, I was stupid enough to think it was coz he liked me but now I realise he just probably wanted an easy shag.
I've stayed pof for a while as any new guy I talk to only seems to want one thing and they don't even have the decency to want a drink first, I'm not going to that again with anyone. I keep thinking about going back to it but know it's just full of them.

1DAD I'm so pleased you got the answer you were hoping for and OLD needs more people like you, old fanshioned gent with respect and morals. I hope it all goes great for you

1DAD great news hope it goes well going forth.

SMM you can stop the 'tart' talk right now! Took me a while too but we are just as entitled to (safe healthy consensual) fun as men! Absolutely nothing wrong with that, and while he wasn't interested romantically he was clearly attracted to you and returned not because you were an 'easy' shag but a bloody good one!

Like me you need to learn how to not over-invest. (If anyone can tell us HOW to do this I for one would be grateful).

I've just sent a tweaked version of Phoenix's text to my guy. But if he doesn't reply by end of day, sod him - I can do better. (Well so my bff says, I'm still trying to convince my heart even though my heads there).

GRAPH I really do need to learn not to over invest.
And unfortunately I now really do think he only came back coz he had no better offer, although obviously at the time I was well pleased coz I really like the way he kisses and I felt we were sexually compatible in bed. Oh well, once again I got it all wrong and end up looking like a fool lol

SMM - please take a look at the way you talk about yourself. Tart, fool, dog, addict, easy, crazy, etc. These are not nice things to say about anyone else never mind yourself!! If you believe those things you’ll only believe that you don’t deserve anything else. Honestly, I know it’s hard (and old makes it harder) but maybe counselling will help?

I agree - self talk positive and negative is powerful.

Change your language. You're not a tart you're open minded and sexually assertive, you're not a fool, you're a warm positive person...

SMM I agree with Phoenix it really jumped out at me how negative you are about yourself. Have you looked at baggage reclaim? It's very thought provoking.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

1Dad you rock!

Do tread carefully with your FWB who wants more. She'll be so hurt. Is she directly next door or down the road a bit?

Ok I know he's on his phone and is ignoring me I'm sick of this.

Thank you PHOENIX BEEN and GRAPH I think I'm in the frame of mind now where I think I deserve better and will have a higher 'twat filter' (can't remember who used that phrase but I'm stealing it!!) if I do decide to go back on pof. My my last LTR my ex was violent and has left massive emotional scars on both myself and my kids so it's been a rough couple of years, which is why when I met Mr Real Life I was definitely not liking for a man but I really do miss things like intimacy, cuddles and laughing with someone and having that emotional connection with someone. Just got to try and find a decent one somewhere lol

Yea it's hard it's not just the sex we miss from not having a relationship - frankly that's easy enough to get if so desired. It's the intimacy.

Graph at the moment he has all the control and he's filling your head. Take control. Go no contact. Delete. Block. Ignore. Sheer willpower is needed to get through the first couple of weeks then you'll see things from our perspective. Seriously Graph you've never met him...

Mrnewguy text this morning regarding meeting today. I'm en route to our date right now. Very nervous. Wish me luck.
Will catch up with the thread and update later.

I can be guilty of over-investing but I find a few things helps.

As a wise previous poster said.....until you meet they are just a character in a book they are writing themselves. Take much of what they say with a pinch of salt.

Turn off your "last seen" on WhatsApp it stops you from obsessing about them and they can't check on you either.

Talk to multiple irons until you've had exclusivity chat. Don't give them more of you than they are giving of themselves. Plus it stops you from focusing on just one person.

Don't message first during the day (this is something I'm currently just experimenting with) gives me an idea of how keen they are. I'm the prize. I want to feel like it this time.

He cut that fine MyUser. Hope you have fun and like each other!

Wise words Spring. It reminds me of Dating Thread Rule 4 - it's all BS until it happens.

Springtime I like that advice. But where I'd have come slightly unstuck is that we did have an exclusivity chat.

Not how we met but we both like kink and so - erm how to put this... We had an 'agreement'? Anyone who knows about this stuff will know what I'm getting at.

But Graph you can't be exclusive with someone you've not met. It's fantasy. Can you not see that? I know I'm saying stuff you don't believe and don't want to hear but you're not going to find fulfilment this way. You're really not.

If you don't meet him in person within a week or two then, quite frankly, you're an unpaid cam girl and sexting territory. It really suits him. He doesn't have to pay or inconvenience himself in anyway to get his rocks off and he gets to keep his real life (that you know absolutely nothing about) undisturbed and keeps you at bay with a tale of woe.

I like this stolen text for getting them to confirm plans

"Hey you, should I assume we're not on for tonight? I haven't heard from you and I've other things I'd like to do if not "

Let's them know you like a better level of communication and you've other things to do than wait on them.

Stolen from MH who has lots of wise advice on OLD if only we'd listen

Good luck USER

I definitely miss the intimacy as well as boring things like curling up on the sofa with someone to watch a dvd with and also sharing silly private jokes with someone when only you two know why you're both laughing at something lol

I do have a bit of the mentality of why would anyone ever be interested in me but I am trying to change that

Yea like I say my head gets it my heart needs to catch up. Yes I am seeing things more clearly gradually, still hurts.

What or who is MH

I totally agree with you GRAPH in my head i know how I should think and not get over invested but then I meet or chat to someone I like and my heart just runs away with itself thinking oooh could this be the one lol

I don't do that with every guy in fact it's rare I talk to someone I really click with

I dont do it with every guy lol one was cringey and one was bitey, so they weren't a problem, it just seems to be the ones that I like. I try not to but there's always that little bit inside me that can't help but hope things will work out well. Guess I need to nip that in the bud!!! Lol