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Original poster

The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

999 replies

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 06/10/2017 15:31

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
RubyRed2017 · 30/10/2017 09:53

Dieu I have absolutely no idea where I am going wrong with OLD.

Either I have not fancied them, or they have not been interested in me. I am not sure whether I am spreading the net too widely or not widely enough. I have tried a range of different dating sites. I have met with people who I liked but wasn’t physically attracted to and hot guys who I had nothing to talk about with! Maybe it’s just too soon after my marriage ended, although I don’t slag my ex off to dates. I am aware there are a lot of men my age (40s) who are looking for a young woman Hmmso that reduces the pool. I have 3 kids as well.

The typical pattern when I have got hurt is that the man has appeared keener then me initially. Then I’ve started to trust that he genuinely likes me and after getting on apparently well for a while, I get abruptly ghosted.

I have already deleted my OLD profiles as it was just soul-destroying and making me lose faith in human nature. I am just going to invest my spare time in friends and hobbies from now on.

Lovemusic33 · 30/10/2017 09:55

Phoenix is right. I wouldn't message him again as it does look like your desperate, wait for him to message you, if you don't hear anything in the next couple of days then take it that you have been ghoasted and move on.

I do think we expect too much too soon, you have to remember that these people are total strangers, we don't really know their background (what they tell us might not be true) and we don't really know their intentions. It takes time to get to know someone before feeling comfortable enough to say your in a relationship and that they are not going to vanish. I met my ex on POF, we were together a year and I didn't really know him, towards the end I started seeing the real him and he wasn't who I expected, he ended up being abusive and then I found out he was seeing other women behind my back (almost leading a double life), I didn't know him at all. So after 1 date (even 5 dates) it's still very early to be over investing.

PhoenixMama · 30/10/2017 09:57

Love - I’ve been thinking about your situation. Do you think your feelings changed because he cancelled that time? Do you think that not knowing where you stand is making you pull back? What do you have to lose by having the exclusivity chat?

RubyRed2017 · 30/10/2017 10:05

Thanks Phoenix for your thoughts. Everything you say is right, that ghosting happens to everyone. I just don’t think it should happen at all.

It probably does sound like I’m over-reacting after a short period of time of not hearing from him. But you know that feeling when the spidey senses tell you that something is wrong?

I can imagine that it sounds like I had totally over-invested in a bullshitter. I had a lot of good reasons why I thought he wasn’t a bullshitter, but I guess I was still wrong.

I don’t want to date if I can never relax and am always assuming the other person can’t be trusted or relied upon. I would never conduct a friendship like that.

RubyRed2017 · 30/10/2017 10:14

Thanks Love you are right. I won’t be messaging him again. I’m trying to mentally detach now and calm down.
Thank you all again for the much-needed handhold and for taking the time to read and reply to my ramblings.
My ex-husband was unreliable and used to let me down all the time. On reflection I think dating is reinforcing that negative feeling for me that men can’t be trusted. Maybe that’s why I’m taking all this to heart so much.
I hope the rest of you are having a better time out there.

rosareine · 30/10/2017 10:54

I saw Mr kitchens again. We went for drinks and he spent the nightWink

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 30/10/2017 10:55

Flowers ruby. Take it at your own pace and take a break if you need to.
Ooh rosa very exciting!

rosareine · 30/10/2017 10:57

Ruby I think you're right not to text again. I take regular breaks from OLD. If I'm feeling a bit sensitive and stressed about it I know it's the right time for a break. I think taking a step back for a while and concentrating on other things for now is a good idea.

Dieu · 30/10/2017 11:08

Ruby you honestly sound so lovely. The whole online dating thing is one big mystery, really. You're right to take a step back now, in order to protect yourself. It's shit though, and I hope you're ok. Keep us posted, and feel free to come back for more hand holding.

PhoenixMama · 30/10/2017 11:13

Whoooo hop Rosa!

sparklyDMs · 30/10/2017 11:14

Hello, is it ok to join? I was on the thread a few months back but took an OLD break and I just wanted to come out of the lurking shadows..
Ruby I've had a very similar experience being ghosted by a guy I met in real life and we dated for a few weeks before he just disappeared- it doesn't feel good.

I struggle a bit with OLD as I rarely get past date 2 - usually just no chemistry and when I do really like someone they fade or ghost..every time. It's hard to keep faith lol
I had my weirdest ever first date yesterday - I'd been talking to this guy on and off for months - back in the summer we were due to meet then he backed out at the last minute because of nerves. Got talking again and agreed to meet up, low key daytime thing. When he arrived he wanted to get some chips and drive a few miles away to walk on the beach. I said I'd rather stay in the town for the first date (public place rather than potentially secluded beach). He agreed but borrowed some money to park, I waited for him for ages and then he texted to say he'd gone home Confused
He kept texting to say I should have gone to the beach with him and I was being hard work - but then also asked for another date!

Dieu · 30/10/2017 11:30

sparkly I honestly have no words. For once, I am rendered speechless. I hope you give the weirdo a piece of your mind.

Biddylee · 30/10/2017 11:34

Sparkly dodged a bullet there - that is awful behaviour from him.

RubyRed2017 · 30/10/2017 11:38

Sparkly Shock about your first date who went home. And took your parking money! And wanted another date! What a charmer!!

The not getting past date 2 is very similar to me. If OLD is a numbers game, it’s like playing the lottery for me in terms of success rate. I’ve deleted all the apps. I think I really have to accept that it just isn’t right for me at the moment.

I’ve had dates with 3 men IRL this year without really trying, as well as one or two hookups Blush

Dieu and Rosa thanks for your kind thoughts. I really do appreciate the hand-holding. Dating can be such a lonely place. All my close friends are coupled-up and they just don’t get it.

Pavonia · 30/10/2017 11:52

Sparkly Thanks for sharing that! On the bright side, it is one of the best first date stories ever! On a serious note, our safety when dating is paramount and you were so right not to get in car with a stranger, wherever he proposed going. I hope you've blocked him.

sparklyDMs · 30/10/2017 11:54

Ruby I do take complete breaks from OLD too - sometimes it just gets too much like hard work.

I really didn't want to engage in any text conversation with parking money guy after that - I just kept blocking him on every social media site he messaged me on..think I've got them all now!

Pavonia · 30/10/2017 11:55

Ruby Flowers. If he comes back with excuses be careful, I can't help thinking he met someone else.

SerialMistakeMaker · 30/10/2017 11:57

I'd like to join in the hand holding and the 'OLD is just too draining for me' group. (Probably needs a more catchy name!!)

I'm so disheartened by the whole the OLD thing, I haven't met anyone worth seeing again and have been ghosted too many times to count. I want to say fuck it to OLD but at the same time I don't have any other ways of meeting new people,so I go back every now and again, just to find out it's still the same and get crushed a little more lol

I've also found out that RL ain't much better, been messed around by a guy I met in RL last year. I wish people would just have the decency to say how they feel and just say that all they're going to do is waste your time and let you down, so don't bother investing any emotions as you're only going to get heartbroken, at least I'd know where I stood then lol

So totally fed up with it all and can't be bothered but at the same time am so lonely and would love a man in my life to kiss and cuddle and love Sad

RubyRed2017 · 30/10/2017 12:16

Serial Flowers and sorry you are going through this too.

It makes it worse for me that I had actually forgotten how nice all the early days stuff can be until this guy reminded me!

Pavonia yes, something or someone happened on Saturday night I reckon.

SerialMistakeMaker · 30/10/2017 12:32

It just seems ridiculous to me how many people think it's ok to mess people around, say things they don't mean and say they are going to do things that they clearly have no intention of doing.

I wouldn't dream of treating people like this but unfortunately it seems to be far to common these days

AntiGrinch · 30/10/2017 12:41

Hi Ruby
"It probably does sound like I’m over-reacting after a short period of time of not hearing from him. But you know that feeling when the spidey senses tell you that something is wrong? "

I don't think you are over reacting. I think you are probably sensing something that is changing/ happening, even if you never know what it is.

"yes, something or someone happened on Saturday night I reckon."

Probably.

Even if he is all back in touch tomorrow, it's not really ok to shift the tone / frequency of communication like that and not explain why. I differ from some of my friends on this. Because I think you KNOW that they are less bothered / enthusiastic if they don't even send a note saying "crazy times at work, will be in touch after massive deadline on Thursday, have a great couple of days, can't wait to catch up soon" - or something. If you don't even get that, they've changed their mind and it is not insane or over reacting to realise it.

"It makes it worse for me that I had actually forgotten how nice all the early days stuff can be until this guy reminded me! "

AAAAARGH it's fucking killer, isn't it.

Some people do end up in good relationships. I don't know how, or where they find them, but they do.

I have been reading about limerence. Really helpful

RubyRed2017 · 30/10/2017 13:01

SMM I feel the same. It makes me feel like an old biddy for saying this but standards of behaviour have dropped due to OLD.

Pixieb34 · 30/10/2017 13:02

Hand holding all round everyone! Flowers
I've been messed about online and in RL too. I always thought if I met someone in RL then it would be better, easier, more real than online. However, one of the biggest idiots I met recently was a real lifer!! There's just no rhyme or reason it seems!!
Sparkly...that is just plain weird, not to mention rude!! And the parking money, then daring to ask you out again Shock the cheek of him!

sparklyDMs · 30/10/2017 13:19

I try to stay optimistic with OLD as a couple of good friends have found lovely guys and are in long term relationships...
If old was like trip advisor where you could give ratings and feedback so you think it'd cut down on all the crap? Lol

SerialMistakeMaker · 30/10/2017 13:33

SPARKLY At first I thought this would be a great idea but then I thought it's going to be dependant on the person they're talking to as a lot of us seem to have been ghosted and we suspect it may be because they were talking to or meet someone else.
So where we would give the bad feedback, the person they ghosted us for might give them great feedback lol

PIXIE You're right about RL being just as bad, the guy I met last year totally messed me around. We started texting, I saw him a few times, we started taking everyday on the phone, he even said love ya to me, I thought we were heading towards a relationship and I totally fell for him. Then he said he wasn't looking for a relationship and that it was just a bit of fun, totally fucked my head up