The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Love - could it be a cyst? If so, high strength silica tablets really do help.

Thanks user just posted on the health board as I'm in a lot of pain. I think I will be going to my gp tomorrow and bearing all .

Hi eye and welcome! I have tried 3 dating sites, Match, POF (Plenty of Fish) and OKC (OkCupid), and have been online dating for the past 15 months, on and off.
Of the three sites, Match was probably my favourite, in that I found it easy and quite pleasant to use. POF has massive membership numbers, but there is lots of 'weeding out' to be done, as you will be approached by all sorts, good and bad. Have to say that my POF experience was positive on the whole, but I just got fed up of it in the end. OKC has been the most pointless by far.
So if you want a paid site, go Match. POF if you want a freebie.
Oh, and another top tip would be to do the free Match (3 day?) trial, and they will get in touch with a cheaper membership offer once that runs out.
Good luck!

Hi Eye - well I’m going to be the voice against the web based sites. I thought the quality on Match was rubbish (too many gurners!), met one of the most horrible people ever on PoF (and that was after all the messages from men I’d never met asking if I did anal) and never bothered with OKC due to its connection with catfishing in the states. If you are going match def do the free trial & then you get the deals.

I use Bumble & Tinder, and have used Soulmates successfully in the past. I’m in London though so def a wider playing field.

Whichever you use make sure you make it clear what you’re looking for - not everyone reads it but I noticed a significant drop in chancers when I made it clear that I wasn’t looking for ons or fbs. You can get an uplift too if you are looking for those things and say you aren’t looking for anything serious.

We’re always here to weigh in! Good luck!

Far did you like him though? Did you enjoy his conversation? Did he make you laugh?

Phoenix maybe it's time for the 2011 vintage to seize their moment!

Oh Bored a quiver is most definitely worth a second date plus if he's a bit dim and dull in the chat department then he's a perfect fuck buddy!!

He was ok..he didn't really make me laugh much. Pleasant enough company but I did get bored towards the end. I've had some spectacular dates and this wasn't one of them.
Maybe this is the year of the 2011 vintage, which means I've another 3 years to reach full maturation

Eye welcome! Just to totally confuse you I prefer POF! I've paid for most sites and like the simplicity and straightforwardness of POF. Thankfully no-one's ever asked if I do anal. I do tend to attract the monosyllabic ones who think "hi" will nail them a date but I'm happy to weed out the dross. Good luck and check in here if in doubt. The best tip you can take as gospel is that it's all BS until it happens no matter what he promises you or what you think he looks like!

Oh Far that sounds like Mr Spires. I found him so dull by the end. He wasn't repulsive but he didn't make me lean in to him. I know when I'm into a guy because I start to lean across the table to towards him!

I've spent all day thinking about a 12-course dinner and dancing all nighter with Mr TaiChi . That man is fit. In the traditional and modern meanings.

Been I'm now a part-time lurker on here and think it's great you remember my description of repulsive dates from hell ! Those challenges experiences were entertaining, but at the time I often felt like giving in. I heard at the start it was a numbers game so just kept that in mind and still think it's true now.

I have been seeing Mr PreviousIron for over 2 months I think . I'm not counting as overall it feels normal and fun. It wasn't supposed to happen though. My plan was to meet someone with a regular job, more normal than me and I didn't think the physical side would be important. In reality he has a bizarre occupation, is more unusual than me and I fancy him something silly and like him .

We have already moved through some disagreements. It could have longevity as I often bail out feel put off by differences.

I like reading the thread, wish everyone well and still find OLD fascinating. Where else in mid-life do you get to interview multiple potential long term partners, experience the oddness of ghosting, over-investment through messaging only and dates where you think "oh god no" after 10min? but feel too polite to run?

Eye I also prefer POF. To be honest when I was Match the same people who were on there were also on tinder and POF. I’ve been seeing someone now for a month, early days still but he’s so lovely, there’s nothing I would change about him and I met him on POF. Good luck xx

Eye just to add that I never had anyone ask me on POF if I do anal! Most men on there were very respectful, but then my profile was pretty strict, and I made it very clear that I wouldn't be engaging with anyone sleazy.

Jesus I thought the anal thing was common! Now I’m wondering what my pics say about me! But honestly, my two main 1st messages were “do you do anal?” And “do the curtains match the drapes?” Or some other comment on whether I’m a natural redhead or not!

It’s funny everyone here likes PoF. I don’t know anyone who met their partners on it but I know loads of people who met their partners on Tinder/Bumble/Happn. Guess it goes to show that the “how/where” you meet is irrelevant!

Phoenix you're in London and may be different?

Out around 20 dates over about 18 months, one was OKC, none from Bumble or Zoosk and rest all POF. Lots of chat from POF too. In SW.

Damn Smeaton, do you think I should take that one down?

I need a handhold please if anyone is around.
I’ve posted a few times on here but not been a regular. I’ve had a ton of negative experiences on OLD -weirdos, ghosting etc. No one where we made it past the second date.
Then I met someone on a night out IRL 5 weeks ago, while I was visiting a relative in another country in the UK. We’ve texted or spoken on the phone every day since. He had told his friends and family about me and booked flights to come and visit me. He had met up with my relative since then to help her out with odd jobs. Now he’s suddenly disappeared with no warning, not answering his phone or replying to texts other than a one liner y’day. I’m gutted. I had let my guard down because I really thought he was the real deal. He really, really seemed like such a genuine and honest person I am reeling in shock this has happened.
I was married for 20 years and the time I’ve spent single has absolutely devastated my opinion of men, or at least single men anyway. I can never see myself trusting anyone after the experiences of the last year. I just don’t know how any of you can spend years dating and putting up with this.
I’ve got to go to work, sort the kids out as usual. But I am crying my heart out inside.

Ruby sadly ghoasting happens in RL just not OLD , I know exactly how you feel and I have got to the point where I have almost given up and I now expect to be ghoasted which makes me anxious all the time. I have met several men that seem really into me, text me every day, all over me when I see them and then they vanish, it's really hard. How long has he not text for? Could he have lost his phone, had a family emergency? I usually give them a couple of days to come back with an excuse (but it has to be a good one).

Phoeneix I get asked about anal a lot but I get more messages asking if I'm sub and if I want a Dom? Oh and I get asked about group sex . This always shocks me as my profile is quite tame and states clearly what I am looking for.

ooh so glad I've found this thread.
I have joined two dating sites in the last week just to see what its all about. Its very early days for me in terms of separation and current divorce proceedings but I just thought...what the hell! I have stuck by my cheating husband for years whist unhappy and unfulfilled.
I have a LOT of shit going on at the minute and if in a couple of months I get a couple of dates from these sites then yes that would be a nice distraction from the shite that is going on at home!

I am surprised how expensive some of them are though, and that you have pay for several months up front!... so have joined a cheap one just to test the waters

Aw Ruby I'm so sorry. I hear you, I feel like my opinion of men has changed because of some of the negative experiences I've had online. I just keep in mind that all men are different and I just need to focus on treating people well myself. Ghosting is such a cowardly thing to do.

Och Ruby, it sounds like you've had the rug well and truly pulled out from under you, and this must have shaken you, and your trust in men. It's an awful thing to have happened to you.

I know it's incredibly hard to accept, when as you say he seemed really genuine, but I reckon he must have been a bullshitter ... and I'd bet my bottom dollar on him not having actually booked the flights.

How anyone like this ends up happy, or in lasting relationships, is absolutely beyond me. Maybe the thrill of the chase gives his pathetic ego a boost.

However - and I certainly don't mean to sound harsh here - it is rather unusual not to have made it past Date 2 with anyone thus far. I am by no means attaching any blame to your lovely self, but is it that you are (delete as appropriate ): too fussy/not fussy enough and meeting the wrong men/not over your marriage break-up/giving off a certain vibe/too trusting.

In as much as I feel for you, I think a little bit of introspection is needed as to why it keeps happening. And while your devastation is completely understandable, you must next time hold a little bit of yourself back, in order to protect yourself, and not render yourself too vulnerable at the hands of weak and pathetic bullshitting men. Easier said than done, I know.

Please don't allow this experience to get you down for too long. Pick yourself up after a few days, and remember that not all men are full of shit, and you could always try another dating site.

Hugs (((RubyRed)))

Thanks Love and Far for the much-needed handhold.

I last heard from him properly on Saturday evening and everything was totally normal. No hint at all of fading out. I texted him on Sunday morning and hours later got a one line reply saying he wasn’t ignoring me and would be in touch later. I’ve messaged him x 3 since and no reply. He has never ever done this before.

I would never, ever have thought this of him. But he normally texts me throughout the day every day. There is absolutely no reasonable explanation for this. If his phone was dead he could have FB messaged me on his laptop. It would take seconds to send a message explaining if there was an emergency going on.

I am devastated, as they say it’s not despair that really does for you, it’s hope. Hoping that people actually mean what they say! It’s not just what has happened with this guy, but this is the final straw I think. I have a full life, with a good job, hobbies, friends and kids. I just had absolutely no idea how many apparently normal people there are out there who cannot be trusted when it comes to dating.

Ruby it's hard isn't it? I often wonder if there are any genuine people out there . I'm only on date 4 with my iron but there have been big gaps between dates, I'm waiting for him to vanish into thin air which makes it hard for me to feel anything towards him . I think it's hard to trust anyone unless you know them really well, even then they can still turn out to be someone different.

Ruby darling, I think you need to calm down a wee bit. It hasn’t even been 24 hours since his last message. Ghosting means hearing nothing. Absolutely no contact or explanation - you’re not there yet. Yes his communication has tapered off or changed, but until it’s 48 hours of no contact I think you need to chill out. Sending 3 messages after he told you he’d be in touch it ott & will make you look desperate, which will
In turn push him away.

You’ve had what? 1 actual date with this guy? The rest is just fictional chit chat unless it’s backed up with actions. You can’t say you were dating him unless you actually had been on multiple dates Also, with it being long distance it was going to be even harder to make work than with someone down the road.

Every single one of us on here has been ghosted by someone we liked (and usually after a lot of chat), we know how brutally hard it is on you. But at the same time we’ve all also had to admit how overinvested in something that hadn’t found its legs yet.

I don’t think it’s strange not getting past 2 dates, Mr bbc is my first 3rd date this year, but I do think we can expect too much too soon. Even with as much as I like Mr bbc, I’m still trying to be cautious. Not messaging too much, trying to match him msg by msg, not chasing him for dates every time, giving us both time & space for it to grown, but without it over taking our thoughts. It’s bloody hard work at this stage too although the mooseburgers are delicious but there are plenty of lovely blokes out there - just look at our own Smeaton! Try not to lose hope, take a break if you need one, and remember that we’re here to help!