The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

[Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

bored Your date sounds good!

I've felt that the guy I am seeing is so caught up in all his problems that there is no room for me. I took him out on his birthday, I've helped out with his childcare (it was an urgent situation) and I've given up my limited spare time to see him. Our time together has mainly been catching a couple of hours at his house. This was our fourth proper date - which I organised because it wouldn't have happened otherwise.

Sounds like too much hard work Biddy. At this stage it should be fun shouldn’t it? Sounds as though it’s just not the right time for him to be meeting somebody. I’d dump and move on to be honest.

Yes - it should be fun but it's been hard work. I wanted to talk a bit about how I was feeling because I had been a bit anxious and unsure of things. I told him I don't need him to fix my problems - just the occasional bit of encouragement - something I have been doing for him loads.

Hi everyone. I haven’t been on here for months. I had a dating break. But went on my first date in ages last night. I liked him.

Then I was walking home (after four glasses of wine) I got chatting to a man and gave him my number!

mother Two for the price of one!

My date last night said the date was all about me and not him or us. Even though I organised it so we could spend some proper time together.

Biddy it's been four dates. This is the time for fun not emotional support and hassle. If you hear the words "I don't do emotions", "I don't do commitment", "I don't do relationships" then tag on the unsaid words "with you" because that's the reality. Why this happens so much (where two perfectly nice people seemingly looking for the same thing can't achieve relationship gold) is down to a myriad of things. Sometimes one side isn't being honest either with themselves or you, sometimes the other person is a tosser but I think most of the time it's timing or fundamental compatibility. If I were you I'd be sending him the goodbye text. From the sound of it I don't think he'd be overly fussed.

Mother your "I'm receptive" signalling system must have been working well. I bet you were all smiley and he couldn't resist! When I put numbers in my phone I've got to the point where I have to add distinguishing features in the surname field so I know who's ringing. Will yours show "Phil Walking home pissed" when he rings?!

beenthere I did offer him the chance to finish it but he said we should wait and talk. We have been seeing each other for over two months (yes - not very long). But yes - someone saying i don't do emotions is a big deal. He is affectionate and caring and we speak every other day on the phone but the experience is exhausting me.

Biddy so you've been seeing him for two months but you've only been on four dates? Is that right?

I have my date with Mr Mountain today, he's messaged me this morning so deffently going ahead.

So last night I woke up with a pain down below, this morning I have found a lump (nearer my bottom) and I can hardly sit. Doesn't look like I will be able to have mooseburger and I might need a trip to the doctors this morning. On top of that I have cut my hand and finger this morning and I'm now covered in plasters. I have a feeling today will go badly.

Beenthere yes - only four dates because he has work/parenting commitments with no support.

Love that sounds horrible. Hope you get the lump sorted swiftly.

Oh god Love. A friend of mine was staying with me once and woke up with a lump in her groin and pain. She was in remission so we stared in horror at her groin lump. She rushed off to the doc and it was a spider bite! I was mortified (it was my spare room and the bedding was all fresh) but it was around this time of year when the buggers come in from the cold. Good luck with Mr Mountain despite the plasters and lump...

I hope it's not a bite. I think it might be a boil as I had one on the top of my leg last week which was very painful, I have had a look and it looks like nothing (just a small lump) but my god it's painful 😖 Mr Mountain has messaged to ask 'what I would like to do today?', I can hardly sit and am walking like a cow boy, we were going to go for a walk but not sure if I can manage walking far.

Biddy I think four dates is still way too early for all this angst. Phones calls and messages seem to trick the brain into over-investing and thinking there's something more significant going on. You don't offer to break up. That's really just a gesture of hope on your part that he'll turn you down. Don't read anything into his "wait and see" words either. If he's getting hassle free sex on his terms every couple of weeks it's probably worth the aggro. Sorry but I don't see a man who's interested in a relationship at the moment.

Bored good luck tonight. I love it when a man looks at you like that!

Beenthere I had been taking it fairly easy and was happy to see how things went but when there is lack of meeting up and getting to know someone, I start to doubt that it has any potential to go anywhere. I suppose this is about what my needs are when I am dating.

Love can you find something else to do for a date? (Not sure of any suggestions)

Biddy I agree with you that a lack of meeting up is no way to be able to figure out any potential with another person. That would bring out a lot of insecurities in me and my behaviour would slide to appearing needy as I'd badger on about meeting up when I'm not remotely needy. Sometimes you don't know until you try. As my dating 'career' (what a god awful thought - a career-dater) has progressed I've become less and less open-minded to certain situations and less tolerant because I know what right looks and feels like and all the time I'm compromising on a duff bloke I could be blocking the door to a good one.

Hello all! Hope you're having a good weekend.

So, as you may remember, I posted here on Friday about a guy on OKC who I was feeling a bit-halfhearted about. We were due to have our first date last night. I messaged him yesterday morning to say hi, and to ask what the plan was. He asked what my preference was, which I then told him. He mentioned that he had a migraine, and would let me know once it shifted. I replied with the appropriate response (sorry you're ill, etc, hope better soon) and asked him just to let me know in due course, as I had the chance of another night out if he couldn't make it ... and hate wasting my weekends off from the children!

He suggested that I go on my night out, he would rest up, and then we'd meet up the following day instead (today) for a coffee in the afternoon. I said no problem, and asked him just to get in touch when he felt able, about a place and time (feeling that by now, the ball was in his court a bit). I also mentioned that last minute arrangements are tricky for me, but that with a couple of hours' notice I'm generally good to go.

He also phoned me for the first time yesterday, to apologise for not being able to make it (the migraine) and for a wee chat, which was nice.

I know that he is working this morning, and I realise that I said I only needed a couple hours' notice, but I haven't heard anything yet (and know that he has been on the dating site). It's now 11am or so.

I'm not a fan of plan-making on the actual day, and much prefer to know what's happening.

At what point would you bin this off? Or would you at all?

I know that you lovely lot said that I should meet him, although I was half-hearted about it, and I agreed ... but I kind of feel that I've made the effort, and I do not chase guys normally. It's just not me.

Thanks! (btw, at this point I feel fine - as I wasn't that bothered anyway - but would have been a bit anxious right now, if invested in this).

Hi Dieu I'd bin him off now. I've never had a migraine but of the people I know who do have them then a chat over the phone is nigh on impossible. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt to people I know not strangers... I'm like you, I hate plan-making on the day under those circumstances as it makes me feel like plan b.

Thanks beenthere, and I think I agree with you. Only thing is, I'll feel bad if he comes back to me with: 'well, you knew I was working, and you did say that you only needed a couple hours' notice'.
It's a minefield, isn't it?! Thankfully I wasn't fussed by this one anyway, but I can now confirm that OKC is the worst dating site EVER! Actually, to be fair, the set up is great, with all the questions etc. Really helps you gain an insight into someone. However, the membership numbers are too small (I'm in a city) and it has the last proactive members of any site I've tried.