Who is behaving badly here

[SpotAGuillemot]

Dh works long hours and has a long commute. He's usually out of the house approx 16 hours a day and often had to work abroad at short notice for 2-3 days at a time. Once every couple of weeks or so he's able to work from home which means he can walk dc1 to school or drop dc2 at nursery and then sometimes help with pickup depending on how much work he has to do.

We live rurally, moved here to give kids better standard of living. Dc1 has additional needs which mean I have to be a sahm. I fell very isolated here, don't really have any friends and have been struggling hugely with depression since having dc2 2 years ago.

So here's the problem. Dh will never tell me when he's coming home, when he's working from home or when he has to go abroad. It will regularly get to 11pm or so, I'll text asking what time he'll be home and he'll text back telling me he's in Sweden. Or I'll be rushing around getting dc's ready to leave in the morning, start loading them into the car and dh will come out and say 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.' He won't have told me he's working from home or that he could help. If he's working from home and I cut my day out short with dc2 so I can pick up dc1 from school he will always be free to pick dc1 up. If I ask him if I can stay out longer with dc2 and he pick up dc1 it's always 'hmm, that should be ok.' Which is absolutely no help as I'll be an hour or so away.

Whenever I ask when he'll be home/ away/ whatever I'm nagging and controlling. He tells me it's because I'm depressed and I need to learn to be more self sufficient. My argument is that I don't know whether to cook him supper or not. If he's not home I'll eat earlier with dc's and probably just eat what they do. If he is home I'll cook us proper grown up food and eat with him.

It's driving me mad. I genuinely think each time he doesn't come home or randomly does stay at home without telling me I love him a bit less. How can I make him see how much I need him to tell me these things. Or am I being controlling and I just need to chill out about it?

I’d not reply for a few days. Get yourself sorted. Plans in place. House valued etc.

I don't want to be the person who just gave up on our marriage though.

You're not. He geve up on it a long time ago.

Bloody hell, OP, your h is a monumentally selfish twat.

Don't reply. As MrsH said, that was bait to get you to say where you were without him asking. Do get on to a solicitor today.

Yes, don't reply. Consult with a solicitor today.

My DM's best friend has just gone through a very long winded divorce from her husband who has a similar career to my dh. I've got this solicitors number and going to try and see him today. The only thing that's holding me back is should I use a solicitor that's based closer to our house? Or does it not matter?

I haven't replied to dh yet, I don't have anything left to say to him so there's very little point.

How far away is the solicitor? Probably best to go for someone who you genuinely think is good, unless you are going to be really struggling to see him/her as regards transport, childcare etc.

If your friend was happy with her solicitor, go for it.
Better than any random one.

Sorry, wasn't clear. Solicitor is in DM's town. So very close to where I am now but 5 hour drive from where dh and I live.

I don't think it matters where the solicitor is based.
A good recommendation is better than anything else.
I hope you feel the weight lifting from your shoulders.
If he suggests therapy then don't go together.
It's never recommended in abusive relationships and any decent therapist will refuse you together if they know the full story.
Leave him to it.
He'll hardly even notice you've gone.
Other than he'll have to clean his own skiddy pants.
I'm glad you are back with your support system.
We all need that.
Isolation is horrible.
I'll be doing the same in the next couple of years.
Can't wait!
Hope you manage to see the solicitor.
You've come so far already.
It's great to see a strong decisive woman on here.
Well done!

Thanks hells. I'm not sure about strong and decisive though! I'm still in bed (with my favourite Sylvanian duvet on though) and have been eating biscuits for the last two hours.

If your longer-term plan is to base yourself near where your DM is, I think it'll be useful to have a solicitor in that area. You can get to see them easily that way. So I'd definitely try and get an appointment with that one asap.

Get recommendations and see as many as you can. It really pays to block the way for him a bit. If they’ve seen you at all the cannot see him.

Solicitors are not one size fits all. It took me 4 goes to find mine. She was cheaper than others but really good at managing me and playing him. She stuck with me for 8 years.

How are you OP?

Silence (by text) is golden. You know when dealing with a tricky negotiation they advise leaving a longer than comfortable pause, to get the other person to fill it. Well, do that.

You could start placing bets on when he'll ask you 'when you'll be home'. Although he would be a massive hypocrite if he did so. I'd simply reply with 'don't hassle me about when I'll be home' or something similar to what he'd say to you - but I'm petty like that

In all seriousness, well done for leaving and make the most of your support structure.

It doesn't really matter where your solicitor is, everything can be done via the phone or post. What matters is that they've been recommended and you get on with them. Mine was an old battalax but I needed that. And she was far worse on my ex

Run hes a dick

I've not heard anything else from dh. I've still not replied to him either. Solicitor was really nice - she said very simply that if I wanted it done quickly just to be divorced then I should probably find someone else, but if I wanted to get everything I can and am happy to wait while a forensic accountant goes through everything then that's what she does. Which is good. She even has a ds with the same condition as mine so knows how difficult it would be for me to have found childcare or employment while he was young.

The school along the road has places in ds's year. They don't want him to start until he's met their senco and got everything in place for him. So that's also positive. I was worried about needing to have proof of address and all sorts.

My dsis has a holiday cottage that she rents out down the road from my dm (it's a lovely little holiday town which is another great thing for dc's). She doesn't have any bookings for next few weeks and is going to try and rearrange the rest. Dc's and I will move in there for now. We'll pay dsis what she receives from holiday let agency once they've taken fees and cleaning costs off. It works out cheap for me and she doesn't have to worry about it being empty for weeks.

I can't believe this has all happened so quickly. I know it's a cliche but it really is like suddenly having a whole new life.

It does sound like you need to get a good settlement as your DS will need long term support and as you have no clue what your STBXH earns then she is the right solicitor for the job.

You can apply for benefits as a single parent right now and also put in a CMS claim for maintenance. I think you pay £20 for which they will assess what H should pay you - they have access to what he earns. If he doesn't play ball you can ask them to collect on your behalf.

Please do these two things, don't give him the opportunity to control you by stalling with maintenance, persuading you to come to some arrangement etc. It's worth persuading a large percentage of equity over less with spousal support because even if it's agreed in court they can stop paying etc.

Well done, glad you feel free!

Well done OP, so hope you'll be happier.

This sounds much more hopeful - hope your little one is feeling better Guillemot.

Well done - so pleased for you!
Stay strong - we are all with you here. p

Wow, how lovely to be surrounded by supportive family right now. You're doing brilliantly, keep going!

Well done. But do take it carefully. This man's behaviour has been pretty calculated and deliberate so far (moving you away from family and friends, isolating you and enforcing your dependency on him by being so vague about his movements.) Unless you've been really lucky and he genuinely didn't expect you to leave him so decisively, he will be looking for ways to cause trouble for you. It's very good that you have already managed to get a decent sum of money out of the account before he stripped it, and it's actually in your favour that you are not named on the mortgage (so he can't wreck the house and leave you financially responsible for it.)

His most probable next move, for the moment, will be a charm offensive. He will beg you to come back and promise to change. DON'T be taken in. He might also disappear and refuse to pay maintenance or sell the house. He will almost certainly cause trouble around access to DC (making difficult arrangements, frequently threatening court action etc.) Keep calm, keep your back ups in place. Best of luck and well done.