Who is behaving badly here

[SpotAGuillemot]

Dh works long hours and has a long commute. He's usually out of the house approx 16 hours a day and often had to work abroad at short notice for 2-3 days at a time. Once every couple of weeks or so he's able to work from home which means he can walk dc1 to school or drop dc2 at nursery and then sometimes help with pickup depending on how much work he has to do.

We live rurally, moved here to give kids better standard of living. Dc1 has additional needs which mean I have to be a sahm. I fell very isolated here, don't really have any friends and have been struggling hugely with depression since having dc2 2 years ago.

So here's the problem. Dh will never tell me when he's coming home, when he's working from home or when he has to go abroad. It will regularly get to 11pm or so, I'll text asking what time he'll be home and he'll text back telling me he's in Sweden. Or I'll be rushing around getting dc's ready to leave in the morning, start loading them into the car and dh will come out and say 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.' He won't have told me he's working from home or that he could help. If he's working from home and I cut my day out short with dc2 so I can pick up dc1 from school he will always be free to pick dc1 up. If I ask him if I can stay out longer with dc2 and he pick up dc1 it's always 'hmm, that should be ok.' Which is absolutely no help as I'll be an hour or so away.

Whenever I ask when he'll be home/ away/ whatever I'm nagging and controlling. He tells me it's because I'm depressed and I need to learn to be more self sufficient. My argument is that I don't know whether to cook him supper or not. If he's not home I'll eat earlier with dc's and probably just eat what they do. If he is home I'll cook us proper grown up food and eat with him.

It's driving me mad. I genuinely think each time he doesn't come home or randomly does stay at home without telling me I love him a bit less. How can I make him see how much I need him to tell me these things. Or am I being controlling and I just need to chill out about it?

You text him at 11pm to see what time he’ll be home and he tells you he’s ABROAD!!!! I’m sorry but WHAAATTT????? That is utterly ridiculous and totally unreasonable. He clearly thinks of his family as a distant afterthought. You can’t put up with that, it’s really horrible behaviour. Does he value or respect you? It doesn’t sound like it. Sorry but he’s totally outrageous

So, you're isolated and at his beck and call?

He's definitely being unreasonable.

I don't think I'd want to be in such a relationship.

FFS, disrespectuful doesn't even start to cover it. He is being horrible to you on purpose, surely. No wonder you are depressed!

IF tehre is to be any hope in this situation - and not sure I can see how, with his attitude, there could be - then could you live somewhere where is travel time is shorter? But that's not the main thing, obviously,. The treating you like staff who have to just wait around on the offchance he deigns to turn up, that's what really needs fixing.

I doubt if he's interested in changing though, given his nasty attitude. I couldn't love someone who treated me like this. Someone who so obviously didn't love me. Love is something you do, and do all the time. And he doesn't, does he?

He definitely goes abroad for work. I have no idea whether he does actually get no notice about it though. Pre kids he would know what meetings were where for the following week but not whether he'd be expected to attend or someone else would do it. He's a lot more senior now though and now claims he needs to go to as many of these meeting as possible while still doing all his normal work. So maybe won't know whether he's going until he's finished something else first.

I know a couple of the other wives. They both have really high flying careers too though and they both have nannies for kids. I don't think any of the other wives are sahm's.

I don't know if I've made a rod for my own back. One of dh's arguments is that I was never bothered by it pre kids. Which I wasn't tbh. I had my own career. We always made plans for a couple of nights a week in advance. He would always be there for that and the rest of the time I would just assume he wouldn't be there/ get home after I'm in bed.

Before we had dc1 I remember dh telling me about how his bosses ds had asked why his dad doesn't live with him during the week. He was always home after his ds was in bed and left before he got up. Dh said he thought this was really sad and he shouldn't have bothered having kids as he was never there. He's never going to change is he?

You’ve changed priorities since you’ve become parents and he’s surprised? Good grief. Of course priorities change when you have children, I’m that he’s surprised! You’re supposed to be a team, not a one woman band with a useless sidekick who floats in and out now and again.

I think there is one of two things going on here

1. he is deliberately fucking with your head and enjoying it

2. he is not where he says he is and there is a whole load of shit you have no idea about

I don't say this likely but what an unreasonable fucker. I have two kids with Sen and it's hard work. Your dh is being incredibly selfish, disrespectful not to mention controlling. Frankly I'd rather be alone.

aha, I think you have just provided a (partial) solution in your last post, Spot - We always made plans for a couple of nights a week in advance. He would always be there for that and the rest of the time I would just assume he wouldn't be there/ get home after I'm in bed.

Do that. At least you will have some commitment that he will be there, then do your own thing the rest of the time.

He is being an ass though; acting like a single man. Pretty selfish IMO.

Your husband is a selfish arse. A gaslighting one at that. I am pretty lousy at communication - if I am working late, I sometimes lose track of time and forget to tell DH that I'll be later than usual. This inconveniences him as he needs to know when/ if he should put dinner on. Any irritation at this is, I think, reasonable and I try to keep him informed of where I am when I need to.
To say your DH is taking the piss is a massive understatement.
I also wonder if there is some sort of secret life he's leading. The gaslighting and defensiveness over nothing are big warning signs for me. You are absolutely not doing anything wrong.

He wouldn't do that now though 2017. He would be there for when we had plans. He won't be there if I just say 'can you be home by 8 on Weds and Fri so we can have a meal together and watch a film?' If I got tickets for cinema or booked a restaurant he'd be there though. But I can't do that because dc1 wouldn't cope with a babysitter.

I'm really shocked by this. He is being horrible and disrespectful. He is also gaslighting you by saying that it is down to your depressing and that you are controlling etc.

If you think your marriage is worth saving I would go to relate counselling where you can explain the situation in front of a stranger and it might make him realise how wrong he is.

As a warning my ex who always had to go on last minute over night 'work' things was cheating.

The sad thing is that I think I'd actually be ok with an affair or a secret life. Then I'd have a real reason to leave and I wouldn't feel guilty about breaking up our family.

oh that makes me mad and sad for you, Spot Really mean of him. You poor thing. Chunky has good advice there.

Clearly, his "work" trips aren't last minute and essential if he can keep to plans.
He either thinks you're not worthy of being on his plans or he is indeed having an affair or second family.
Either way, he's not a partner.

AnyFucker has nailed it as usual.

This sounds like gas lighting at its finest. He's got you spinning like a top & doubting yourself. The whole family is on standby for when HE decides to walk in. Soon your self-confidence will be eroded & you'll be dancing on eggshells.

The question is WHY is he doing it?

Funsies? Shits & Giggles?
Because he feels superior to you?
He enjoys being deliberately abusive?
Or to hide a secret life?

Fuck this for a lark. Ducks >>>> row.

He is being completely unreasonable. From now on just act under the assumption that he will not be at home unless he is physically there and says otherwise. Don't wait up for him when he is late, don't cook supper for him because he might be having his supper in Sweden for all you know. If he asks why just say that, seeing as he didn't let you know that he was coming home, you assumed the e wasn't. You can't keep changing your life atbhe last minute to suit his.

Maybe his colleagues' wives "don't nag" because their husbands are considerate enough to keep them posted about their movements.

He's very cruel.

If he doesn't have a secret life I can't even see the point of someone acting like that.

Of course people want to know what country their loved ones are in!

I would start a long term plan to leave him.

It's hard to just expect him not to come home. I often go days at a time without speaking to another adult so I do want him to come home. Pfffft, 9pm on a Friday and no sign of him.

I'm quite tempted to put dc's in the car and drive to my mums for the weekend. Fuck him.

I'm guessing you've given him a ring? Cheeky bastard. I probably would up and go to my mum's to be honest.

Do it then, he doesn't inform you of plans so why not suit yourself and go. Inform him when he rings up and ask...

Get other adults to talk to. Make friends.

There are babysitters who specialise in SN and will work with you to build up a relationship with your child so you can go out and everyone's happy.

What utterly selfish behaviour.

Start by only cooking for yourself and the kids unless he’s told you he’ll be about. If he ends up having to cook his own meal, that’s his own fault for being disorganised.

Secondly when do you get respite from the kids and could you relocate?

Lastly give him a taste of his own medicine. Go away for a few days here and there but don’t tell him. If he wonders when you’ll be back don’t tell him.

I've been in one of those jobs where you have to be off at the drop of a hat and always take your passport into the office.

Not once did I ever get abroad without dh knowing where I was. And we had no kids at the time.

FFS, it takes seconds to send an sms, and you always have to hang around for ages at airports. Not letting you know is a power game and anyone who power games in a marriage deserves to be told 'game over'.

This would seriously do my head in. I actually couldnt cope with it. Please do go home to your dps. Say nothing. Maybe he will realise that its cracked. Try and move nearer people. Does yoyr dh make good money at least so you could have a regular minder? I could put up with a lot and am pretty easy going but not that.