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Original poster

Who is behaving badly here

315 replies

SpotAGuillemot · 06/10/2017 14:43

Dh works long hours and has a long commute. He's usually out of the house approx 16 hours a day and often had to work abroad at short notice for 2-3 days at a time. Once every couple of weeks or so he's able to work from home which means he can walk dc1 to school or drop dc2 at nursery and then sometimes help with pickup depending on how much work he has to do.

We live rurally, moved here to give kids better standard of living. Dc1 has additional needs which mean I have to be a sahm. I fell very isolated here, don't really have any friends and have been struggling hugely with depression since having dc2 2 years ago.

So here's the problem. Dh will never tell me when he's coming home, when he's working from home or when he has to go abroad. It will regularly get to 11pm or so, I'll text asking what time he'll be home and he'll text back telling me he's in Sweden. Or I'll be rushing around getting dc's ready to leave in the morning, start loading them into the car and dh will come out and say 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.' He won't have told me he's working from home or that he could help. If he's working from home and I cut my day out short with dc2 so I can pick up dc1 from school he will always be free to pick dc1 up. If I ask him if I can stay out longer with dc2 and he pick up dc1 it's always 'hmm, that should be ok.' Which is absolutely no help as I'll be an hour or so away.

Whenever I ask when he'll be home/ away/ whatever I'm nagging and controlling. He tells me it's because I'm depressed and I need to learn to be more self sufficient. My argument is that I don't know whether to cook him supper or not. If he's not home I'll eat earlier with dc's and probably just eat what they do. If he is home I'll cook us proper grown up food and eat with him.

It's driving me mad. I genuinely think each time he doesn't come home or randomly does stay at home without telling me I love him a bit less. How can I make him see how much I need him to tell me these things. Or am I being controlling and I just need to chill out about it?

OP posts:
Ploppie4 · 14/10/2017 17:47

Well done op

KarmaNoMore · 14/10/2017 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/10/2017 19:37

Tell him you would rather he stayed in a b&b and give you more space.

You're doing great. No, you haven't broken up the family, as you know.

What happened was that after years of him literally carving out the heart and guts of the family from the inside, the hollow shell it had become finally collapsed. You left because there WAS no family there to be part of.

Original poster
SpotAGuillemot · 14/10/2017 20:02

I really don't mind him staying at dsis's. I'm going to drop dc's round there tomorrow so he can take them out for the day. Then once they're in bed we'll sit down and talk about how we're going to arrange everything. I don't know whether it would be better to do this at the cottage or go out to a restaurant or something? I'm liable to cry though.

Wrt contact I was thinking a every other weekend? I don't know what he'll be able to do though. In the short term I'm happy to have him stay at cottage with boys when he's here and I go to my DM's down the road.

I do want to discuss schools with him too. They're not on half term yet here so it's a chance for dh to see the school, he's suggested a prep school nearby but I'm not keen.

I know he's a bastard and I don't want him back. Truly. But he is also the father to my dc and I don't want to try and erase him from their lives. I want them to have as much contact with them as possible. They might even end up with a stronger relationship with him if they have one on one time with him.

Personally I feel such a weight has been lifted. I didn't realise just how much I was taking my anger at dh out on the kids. I really think I'm going to be a much better parent without him. Dc1 in particular is a struggle at the best of times. But trying to cope with him when I'm sad and irritated is 100 times harder than when I'm relaxed and my mum has had them for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
TheDailyWail · 14/10/2017 20:04

Wishing you luck with sorting this out with DH. I am a bit nervous on your behalf.

Lweji · 14/10/2017 20:09

He's either relieved you're leaving (and has another woman ready to move in) or you're in for a rude awakening.

RandomMess · 14/10/2017 20:10

Thing is with prep school you are dependent on him to pay the fees, an opportunity to control you...

Butterymuffin · 14/10/2017 21:32

I would go out to a restaurant because then if the discussion breaks down or you want to call a halt then you are able to say 'we need to stop now and restart tomorrow' and leave. Much harder if he's in 'your' house and says he's not going till you've talked it all through etc.

KarmaNoMore · 14/10/2017 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoSquirrels · 15/10/2017 09:05

Not the prep school. You know best what your DS1 needs - as you have been the involved parent so far. The school you met with were giving you positive feelings - I think you should go with your gut on that. You're the one doing day to day, and it sounds like an act of control to me - giving you just enough reasonableness (I agree to you living here, look I'm helping to choose schools) but keeping the control - over money for fees, over access to "authority" etc.

Every other weekend- would the DC not go to him those weekends? Why should you move out?

Good luck with the conversation- remember whatever he says you are not responsible for the end of your relationship . Actions have consequences and he pretended to ignore that when he was happy to ignore his wife and family in favour of work and an unchallenged life for himself.

RandomMess · 15/10/2017 09:19

Please don't move out EOW he will look through your stuff etc. It's a recipe for disaster - your H isn't kind or reasonable he is controlling and abusive and he will carry on being so.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/10/2017 09:53

You are definitely going to need barriers against this man, because he is not your friend. He will be trying to undermine you as much as possible. Once he's gone home and you move into the cottage, change the locks. Do not let him be there with the DC. He may steal or damage your belongings, or install spy cameras/keyloggers. This is an abusive man fixated on controlling you. Don't agree to anything he suggests until you have thought it over and/or taken advice.
Good luck: you can do it.

another20 · 15/10/2017 10:56

Two very hard parts of separation are the distress of your kids because their father is not around. This settles in time. You need to ride this one out. Another is the new partner which will be flaunted in your face as the biggest passionate love affair, likely they will move into your home and your children will have to have a relationship with them. They may have been the OW that you never knew about, it may be an old friend. Your DH is a wealthy manipulative man who is out to win and punish you. This will happen soon. I have seen in a thousand times. Be ready to weather that storm. Take care.

nauticant · 15/10/2017 12:31

You're doing well OP.

After being ignored for years, it now suits him to make a bit of an effort (for the moment). If he's successful, you will give him a huge ego boost that he can treat you very badly indeed and despite that he can manipulate you and reel you back in. In other words, he will see a green light that he can do just about anything he fancies.

If you end up being reeled back in you will feel even more trapped when the awful treatment resumes. You know this already but sometimes you have to keep reminding yourself so that you are able to see things clearly.

another20 · 15/10/2017 12:56

I kept "a little book of c**t" list - where I wrote out all of the incidents of hideous behaviours over decades - it was quite shocking to see the relentless patterns with no change and how the critical mass grew over time and eroded me. It was also directly proportional to the deterioration of my mental health, which impacted my ability to parent well and hold down a v stressful job.

It was shocking to glance at every now and then but to see the entirety of it was useful as sometimes you just remember most recent three incidents and be ready for others to minimise and say - its not that bad, mine did x,y,z etc.

I exhausted myself trying to flog a dead horse (I really had to end it or I thought I would die) - you have said how you have explained again and again and again. This time save your energy and your tears for yourself and your children. Communicate only via sol or another person there.

You owe him nothing now - not an explanation or anything. He will escalate the hurt, contempt and will punish you.

Dont give him any info and keep yourself out of punching distance.

You are dealing with a very dangerous evil vindictive person here. Look how he treats his colleagues - wait to you see how he treats somone who has betrayed him.

You sound like a lovely balanced person - dont afford him the same credit.

nappyrat · 15/10/2017 17:19

Op you sound like you're doing really well. Stay strong.

springydaffs · 15/10/2017 17:27

Projection city on this thread lately! Hmm

He may or may not be evil personified op but the bottom line is his behaviour has made you profoundly unhappy. That's what you need to focus on Flowers

Thebluedog · 15/10/2017 18:52

Well done OP Flowers

violetbunny · 15/10/2017 19:07

Keep your guard up, OP. Everything you have described about his behaviour so far screams of him wanting control. He may be on the charm offensive for the moment, but this will not change.

Original poster
SpotAGuillemot · 15/10/2017 19:43

I'm back a DM's now and dh is down the road with dc's at the cottage. Agreed to do EOW with him staying st the cottage. I'm really not worried about him going through my stuff or anything. There's not really any other way to do it. I don't want dc's having to spend at least 10 hours (but could easily be up to 18 hours) travelling to dh in our old house EOW. I know it won't work long term but it will for now.

Dh has decided his behaviour is because he's autistic. Something I've been saying for years but he's refused to acknowledge in any way. I know if you've met one person with autism then you've met one person with autism. But - my brother is autistic. He misses a lot of social cues and is great at putting his foot in it but if he's told specific things will upset someone he will never do it again. Like, I dunno, saying please tell me when you'll be coming home. I think dh does have a lot of personality traits which could be considered autistic, but none of those traits have anything to do with me leaving.

OP posts:
HashiAsLarry · 15/10/2017 19:52

Just popped onto this thread now to say well done. You sound very strong.

Whether or not he is autistic makes no difference. It was something he could have dealt with before now. If he's serious he can deal with getting a diagnosis etc now without it being dependent on your relationship. Don't let him try to barter that as a condition of you returning. Good luck

another20 · 15/10/2017 19:54

Well done OP. You are getting thru it well.

Lweji · 15/10/2017 20:00

Good news, but don't let your guard down. Stick to the shit hot lawyer.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 15/10/2017 20:06

Ah, trotting out excuses to explain why he treats you like shit, how fucking predictable. Yawn.

Butterymuffin · 15/10/2017 20:20

Did he accept that you want to end the marriage? Has he said he will definitely be there EOW? Because it will not be acceptable for the kids to be waiting for him to arrive, disappointed when he doesn't show and then for him to say later 'oh, work had sent me to Sweden'. I hope he's understood that.

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